Legal Name Change- not BN related

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Hi Ladies-- I have sort of been on and off the boards the last few weeks. I consider this my home board so I hope you all don't mind a more personal post.

So, H and I will be divorcing. He's moved out, and I am beyond thrilled. It's a long time coming and I feel fantastic and hopeful- BUT this isn't the point of the post.

I am trying to decide a few things about going back to my maiden name. So far, aside from avoiding the hassle of a name change, the only pro I can come up with is that Josie and I would "match". I can't really feel / tell if it would bother me if we had different LNs. Any advice/ thoughts?

Part two is that right now, my legal name is FN Maiden Name Married Name-- I legally dropped the middle name I was given at birth- and while it's a lovely name and has a nice enough flow, it sort of popped into my head that since I would potentially be changing my LN, I could very easily come up with a new middle name. It could be sort of symbollic? Is that a completely insane idea? Thoughts please?

evaazalea · June 2014

I currently have a different LN than my children, it bothers me a little but has never caused any issues. SO and I are not married and don't really have plans to be any time soon, however, I would le to change my LN to his anyhow. This has more to do with the fact that I am not close with my father and feel no need to keep his LN, having the same name as the kids is a bonus. I also would like to swap my MN while I am at it, to have something with my sentimental value. So, I guess I am all for a fun, meaningful mn while you are already doing a LN change!

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Thanks @joy2611-- yes I guess that is the feeling I have too-- maybe it's a little cheesy and I am sure my parents would probably side eye me a bit!

strawberrytree · June 2014

Hugs to you, Helenah!

I think that these days, it's somewhat common for kids to have a different last name from their mothers, whether it be due to parents not being married, a mom who kept her maiden name, remarriage, etc.

As for the middle name...do you know if your old middle name was something meaningful like a family name, or just something chosen for "filler"? If you had a random middle name a la Marie or Lynn, then I'd say might as well choose something meaningful to you while you're at it.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Thanks @strawberrytree!

Both of my given names (first and middle) are just names my parents liked. It's not any of the typical Lynn/ Marie/ Anns that were typical MNs of the 80s.

PB&J714 · June 2014

Glad to hear you are in a good place with the situation at hand.

I know a few people who have gone back to their maiden names after divorces, and in all 3 situations the relationship was extremely volitile so the name change was the final cut-off of association to their ex's. I also know a couple of women who kept their married names (specifically to have the same LN as their children); however, they are both on friendly terms with their ex-husbands which I'm sure helps. I don't know your particular situation, but I would suggest whatever feels right for you. There are so many moms with different LNs from their children that have minimal problems with it.

As for the symbolic MN, I get where you're coming from. But I just couldn't do it. I kept my given MN and dropped my maiden LN when I got married because I felt that my MN was so much a part of my identity. For some reason, to me, naming yourself just seems a little too odd.

blu-eyedwife · June 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. Even if you'll be in a better place, I'm sure the reality of right now and what you've been through is full of mixed emotions.

No surprise, I agree with Joy. I don't think having a matching last name is terribly important, especially in this day and age where many professional women keep their maiden names. But I also think, as name nerds, we put a lot of thought into our kids names, so I like the tradition of keeping/going back to the name your parents picked for your middle instead of coming up with one yourself.

lauralew · June 2014

Like others, I am feeling very hopeful for you. Despite the circumstances, this type of life change is difficult. I am glad you're feeling at peace and hope that continues!

My parents divorced when I was in high school. As such, my friends, who all defaulted to calling their friends' moms Mrs. Child's Last Name were confused about what to call my mom. And honestly, that's probably the only issue I would see coming up if you had a different LN than your daughter. And I doubt it would even come up since this is happening early in your daughter's life. I imagine that would be fixed pretty quickly by saying "Hi Suzie. I'm Mrs. Your Last Name." Or "Hi Suzie. You can call me Your First Name." I agree with PP that it's almost just as common to have a different LN as it is to have the same last name as your child. As long as you're comfortable with that, then I say go back to your maiden name.

As for the middle name thing... I don't really have an opinion. I get your line of thinking. I get some PPs' line of thinking. I don't think you can go wrong here really. So do what feels right! Just don't use Breyaylynn.

LisaG09 · June 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. I, as many PPs have stated, know plenty of women that have different last names from their children. You might get the occasional school worker calling you Mrs. Daughter'sLastName. This happened to my sister a lot. She still has her maiden name and her two children have their father's last names (different fathers). She corrects the school over and over but for some reason they assume if they are calling the mother of Jane Smith, they must be speaking to Mrs. Smith. It's annoying. I work in a school also and I always check last names or I don't use the last name.

As for the middle name, this is entirely up to you. Do what you feel is right. If you really are feeling a middle name and have no connection to your old middle name then I would sit down with your parents and explain it to them. They should understand and if they don't, it is no longer their job to name you. I wouldn't personally change my middle name but I'm always for women feeling empowered and if changing your middle name will make you feel empowered then by all means change it! I'll be happy to critique any middle names you are considering the same as I would for a baby on the way! Good luck!

NerdyLucy · June 2014

I retained my last name when I got married, so DH and I have different last names. If we have children, they'll have his last name.

I, too, am not sure how I'll feel about having a different last name than my kids. This is partially why I like the idea of my kids having my last name as a second middle name. I don't know.

Yeah, basically I'm no help, but I get what you meaning regarding your last name and Josie's not matching.

If you do choose your own middle name, do you have any ideas?

capulet · June 2014

My parents divorced when I was in middle school. My mom reverted to her maiden name, which I don't remember being an issue, as far as us having different last names. And she also changed her middle name. Her middle name at birth was after her grandmother, who died when my grandfather was young. She changed it to Alex to honor her favorite uncle. So I don't think it's a strange idea.

Best wishes to you!

bobcee · June 2014

My MIL did this when she divorced FIL. Actually she changed her given FN and MN and went back to her maiden name for her LN. She never liked her given name and since she wanted to change her LN back, she figured she might as well go for it. My H still gets confused sometimes when he needs to fill out legal documents (like our marriage license) as to which name to use, but she's personally had no issues.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Wow-- thanks so much for all of the feedback and support, everyone. I totally appreciate and value the advice and insight- I don't have a huge support system IRL.

I am leaning more towards going back to my maiden name. As for the MN-- I am still sort of torn. My orig middle name was Lauren. It's perfectly nice, and even though I am not a huge fan of my IRL first name (which some of you know) the two names sound nice together. I am not named after anyone (either FN or MN).

If I did decide to pick a new middle name, it would most likely be either Joan or Giovanna, for my dad's mother who my father was extremely close to. Joan sounds better with my FN, but well, Giovanna is prettier (she was Giovanna).

Anyway-- thanks again for the comments/ responses and support. It is going to be a difficult time, but worth it.

NerdyLucy · June 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

Wow-- thanks so much for all of the feedback and support, everyone. I totally appreciate and value the advice and insight- I don't have a huge support system IRL.

I am leaning more towards going back to my maiden name. As for the MN-- I am still sort of torn. My orig middle name was Lauren. It's perfectly nice, and even though I am not a huge fan of my IRL first name (which some of you know) the two names sound nice together. I am not named after anyone (either FN or MN).

If I did decide to pick a new middle name, it would most likely be either Joan or Giovanna, for my dad's mother who my father was extremely close to. Joan sounds better with my FN, but well, Giovanna is prettier (she was Giovanna).

Anyway-- thanks again for the comments/ responses and support. It is going to be a difficult time, but worth it.

I like Giovanna with your first name, FWIW. I like the flow.

WestIsleFlower · June 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you sound like you are in a healthy state of mind, so props to you! *big hugs*

My mom changed back to her maiden name when my parents divorced and the only weird part about it for her was professional reasons. She sells insurance and now has a mix of awards (most sales, most improved, etc.) with the different names on them. It also took a while for word to get around her company and clients of the change. Again, that was just her experience, it was just a weird time for her.

I say pick a new middle name! If you don't want to go back to your original, this is a great way to use that name you've always wanted! Fresh start! If it has special meaning, I think your parents will understand.

Legal Name Change- not BN related

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