SAHM?

mommymeg143 · June 2014

I have a few questions for all the stay at home moms out there... Would you highly recommend it? Do you regret it? What are the positives? If you had to do it all over again, would you?

The reason I ask... DH very much wants me to stay at home with LO once she arrives. His mom stayed at home with him and his siblings from the time he was born until they went to high school. It is very important to him. We are very fortunate in that DH can support us. I would absolutely love to do it but I have a great job that I love too. I have worked hard the last six years to build a name for myself in my industry and hate to give it up. Although, I think the only thing I would give it up for, no problem, would be my children. I spoke to a woman the other day who said she hated it and wished she was still working. I also spoke to someone who said it was the best decision she has ever made. So...can anyone give me some input?

CarrieAnne09 · June 2014

I don't as I'm a FTM - but I'm very interested to see what everyone has to stay.

DH and I are going back and forth on this. Luckily I do get a full year off to make this decision but it's always nice to hear experiences and stories.

kjmommy1214 · June 2014

I have stayed at home since I got pregnant with DD. I had been laid off. So, we crunched numbers and decided I would stay home.

I love every.single.minute! However, it is not for everyone. My MIL said that she could never have done it. It was not for her. My sister likes it most days. I had a few moms on my previous BMB that started out SAHM and then went back to work. They just didn't enjoy it as much as they thought.

My one suggestion is if you decide to SAH I to get out of the house by yourself from time to time. Even if it is to grocery shop ALONE. DH knows that I need and encourages that I get some me time.

jlove253 · June 2014

I think that when working it is easier to feel rewarded because you are meeting deadlines and getting recognized by your peers/bosses. Staying home is jut as rewarding, but it comes in the form of smiles, hugs, and witnessing the process of growth in your child. I love staying home, but I also tutors couple nights a week and appreciate the difference in feedback for my efforts. I know staying home is the right thing for us, and certain things have made it easier. If you do stay home get involved in a mom's group. I am part of a women's Bible study group with other young mothers and really love our time together every week. Also, finding things you enjoy doing with LO, even if its just window shopping or getting a coffee is really helpful.

My SIL just made the transition to parenting and being a sahm and I love her so I've enjoyed our time together. She was having a hard time at first, but really felt better about it after getting out of the "newborn fog".

Perhaps you could still work a little? It may be just the balance you need. Also remember, you can always change your mind later.

CPM13 · June 2014

I work occasionally (maybe 1-2 days a month?) But consider myself SAHM. It is hard, but I wouldn't give it up for anything. But I do think you have to be a certain type of person, if that makes sense. I also had a job I loved in an industry that I worked very hard to get into, but I never defined myself through my career and not having a career was something I was ok with.

I feel fortunate we can afford it financially and I believe that our family and DD are better off with me home with her. I don't know how working moms get it all done though... I am able to grocery shop/run errand with her and do laundry slowly during the course of the day. I admire people who get all that stuff done after spending time with their kids after being at work all day.

wildflower75 · June 2014

This is a very individual decision... every woman is different...
I love my job and never in a million years did I think I would want to be a SAHM but when my DD turned 2 months and I realized my maternity leave was ending in 3 more months... IT HIT ME!! I did NOT want to go back to work! I wanted to stay home and watch my child grow and teach her everything but alas we are not in the position for me to do that right now (thankfully we have my MIL who comes to our house to watch her daily) ... I am jealous of SAHMs and it breaks my heart to leave the house each morning. I usually don't get home until 6 or 6:30 every week night and DD goes to bed at 9 PM so that doesn't leave much time each evening for me to spend with her just playing and reading and teaching her things when you factor in dinner and bath time. But if I were home I would be able to do the things I try to cram into the weekend...right now it's learning her ABCs and colors, going to the park and other child activities in the neighborhood.
A co-worker friend of mine who gave birth just one month before me said she could never be a SAHM... she said she just doesn't have it in her and that it was hard work being at home with her baby during maternity leave...
To each their own...

SweetMelissa5 · June 2014

I stopped working after my youngest was born because daycare for three kids was more than my salary (and DH made almost twice what I did, so obviously it was in our best interests for him to keep working), and while there are definitely things I appreciate about being home with my kids, it has been a really hard adjustment for me to make. I liked my job (and absolutely loved the place where I worked), so leaving that environment was really tough, and I still miss it (and I hope to go back there someday when my kids are all in school), but in my case, it was a job, rather than a career, so I wasn't concerned about losing momentum or missing out on advancements during the years I SAH.

Honestly, it kind of sounds like you'd rather keep working, and that is a completely legitimate desire to have; I think you and your husband need to really talk about this, and I think it's kind of unfair for him to just expect you to give up your career so he can have his vision of the way a family is supposed to be.

Singingmama10 · June 2014

I am a FTM planning to be a SAHM. I can't speak from personal experience because this is all new to me, but I can say is, we did not get pregnant till I was ready to give up my job. I am quite a homebody, so I think that will work to my benefit, or at least I hope.

All the people that I know that are SAHM's have told me you must get out of the house!! Go to mom's groups, play dates, the park , a walk, whatever gets you out of the house. They have told me that is what they think makes someone a successful SAHM.

I have one sister that is a SAHM and loves it! not to say every day is easy, by any means, but I know she wouldn't trade it for the world. My other sister, on the other hand, tried to be a SAHM and it just wasn't in her. I believe(as does she) she became a better mom when she went back to work. I think it really depends on each person individually

mexinugget · June 2014

Everyone is different. I love it and find it very fulfilling. My sil loves to work outside the home and feels she would go stir crazy. Also i left a job i hated that wasn't that great. So to leave a job you love, i don't know, that might change things. Either way i always knew i wanted to stay at home. My mom did and they were the best times. I've never regretted staying home. I love being there for my ds and never missing anything.

mussalynn · June 2014

I agree with everyone when they say it really depends on the individual. I have been a SAHM for 16 months now and I love almost every second of it (DS is moving into toddler-hood, so not every single second is as fun as it was before!!). I had a great-paying job before, but did not enjoy it and I was really only in it for the paycheque so I don't miss working at all.

I will say, however, that being a SAHM is what you make of it. If all you're thinking about is "I could be at work right now" or you just stay at home every day and think "this is so boring", you're not going to enjoy it. We get out of the house at least once a day, take lots of classes, try to go on lots of playdates, play groups etc., all of which breaks up the monotony for me and makes life more interesting for DS.

I would say see how you feel while you're on mat leave and take it from there - if you feel like you want to go back to work, I wouldn't let your husband guilt you into staying home because that's how he wants it - sounds like a good breeding ground for hostility and resentment, and that won't turn out well.

momtojad · June 2014

I would love to stay at home but we had to settle for the next best thing of my dh SAH. It still breaks my heart to leave my son everyday but it was extremely important to me for him to be in our house when he was very little. Hopefully one day we will get to switch places.

mommymeg143 · June 2014

Thank you for all your input!!

A little background on myself: I absolutely love children and spent most of my high school days baby-sitting for local families. When I started college, my goal was to become a kindergarten teacher. I love love love the feeling of teaching children their abc's, 123's, reading basics, etc. It is so rewarding!! I changed my major because I met a few children who had such bad home situations. I seriously went home every night and cried for them. I decided that I couldn't handle going through that every single year without the ability to help each of them. So, I changed my major to communications. Fast forward six years after graduation and I am a Promotions Director. I love my job but it is very, very stressful. That is one of the reasons DH wants me to consider being a SAHM because of the stress my job puts on me. I'm at the peak of my career and really have no where else to go because there is no promotion from my position within my company. The next step would be to move to a larger city to work for a record label or artist management company. When I think about it the only thing I can focus on is that I want to be a mom, I want to have a lot of children, I want to be a foster mom, and I want to adopt children. DH knows this and wants the same. I think that's why it's so important for him that I stay at home and follow what my heart is telling me to do. If I decided to continue working, he would support me 100%. We have already discussed having both grandmothers babysit while i'm working.

I think i'm just scared of taking the leap. Especially after hearing from a few moms who hated it. It is so refreshing hearing that most of you really do love it. I honestly think there is no better or harder job in this world than being a full time mom and i'm not even one yet!!

I really do appreciate all of your input. Thank you so much!

thedjinn88 · June 2014

I have been a stay at home mom since I was pregnant with dd. She is 5 now. I will continue to be a sham for all my children. I do watch kits to be able to afford it. After this baby is born I plan to do doula training. I love it, some days I wonder why the heck I do it, then I see my other friends who wish they could spend more time with their own kids and feel guilty that someone else is raising the kids. It's a lot of work, no breaks and your boss throws fits and cries lol but for me it I'd totally worth it. I would not do it any other way

my daughter loves that she has her mom full time.

jess123456 · June 2014

I will be a SAHM come November for many reasons. A big factor is that it is always something that I have wanted to do and also because daycare is so expensive here that working full time on my salary just doesn't make sense and I am grateful that my husband salary pays enough to support us financially.

I know it's a big decision but remember that it doesn't necessarily have to be forever either. I imagine that it is probably harder to get back in the work force after being out of it for a bit but there are always options and you are never stuck. Are there ways to keep your foot in the door a bit in your current industry on a very part time basis or could you eventually freelance or volunteer to keep your resume fresh if that is a concern?

Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

candyfisherman · June 2014

I've been a SAHM for 4 years now and gave up a job I loved to do it. I absolutely DO NOT regret it ! Some days are really hard (I can't lie) but most days, I appreciate that I get to be home with my kids. The hardest part is just making sure I still get some time to be "me", that it's not just all about the kids, all of the time. As long as I get that then I'm pretty happy:)

Its such a personal thing though, I have friends who've been at home for a couple of years and could not wait to start working again;)

Do you get any maternity leave that you could see how it feels for a bit before you have to make the decision?

Best of luck to you!!

moroccojade · June 2014

I had a year of lovely Canadian mat leave and I LOVED staying at home. I dreaded going back to work. In fact, I was practically panicking about it! lol.

But, after that year, I did go back half time...    (And did a lot of work evenings and weekends... so DD only needed care a half day a week for quite a few months.)   Then my position went up to 3/4 time... And that meant she needed a bit more outside care. Finally, I started working FT when she was about 2 and a half. That meant a lot more care...   She was in a FT preschool at age 3.

Was I glad to be working? Sure, I guess. We did need the income.... (Although preschool was expensive.) And I have enjoyed my job well enough. But now that I am only 3 days away from quitting? I am VERY happy. I really feel like I missed out on some important times with my daughter.   As of next week I can focus on her, my business (which is pretty part time... and can be done at my leisure), and this new baby coming. I really don't care if I ever work FT for someone else again. I am very happy working for myself as much as I'd like...   and I can always help DH with his business if I feel the need to do something a little more.

As hard as many say being a SAHM is... I found being a WM much harder. You still have the same amount of cooking and cleaning to do... but a lot less time to do it. Sure, you get 8-10 "child free" hours a day....   but hey -- I like my kid! I wanted to be spending more time with her!

With all that said... I will send this little one to some sort of preschool, too. DD loved it. (Maybe a couple of half days when they are 2.5 or 3?) I think a little variety is good for kids...   The kindergarteners that had never been away from their mother's sides had a rough time the first day of school!

carcrashheart · June 2014

I decided to stay home after being with DS for two months. I didn't have a career. Just a job and I was making $10/hr as an admin so it wasn't really impacting our income any (we actually weren't using it to live on anymore anyways, it was just saving). The plan was for one year, but we moved when DS was 7 months and daycare is more expensive, so I'm still home. I don't love it, but I definitely don't hate it. It's hard. No breaks. No going to the store before picking the kid up from daycare or going to the gym before going to pick the kid up. He is with me always. For dr appts, for the store, everything. We don't have family that is generally available during the day to do occasional babysitting. I had an ob/gyn appt when DS was three months old and he got cranky so I held him on my chest while I laid on the table for the exam.

you do what you have to do. I no longer think twice about having him with me, he's just a part of my daily life, errands and all. I had a Brazilian done last January and DS sat in his stroller playing with the sticks the woman gave him to keep him occupied. It is what it is. I'm looking in to utilizing a Mother's Day out program for occasional babysitting now. I probably should have done it sooner.

Anyways, it works. But I won't do it forever. Only until the boys are in school, if not sooner. My mom said she is glad she stayed home (she kind of had to-my dad is an airline pilot and gone a few days a week), but she said that she wishes she had gone to work sooner bc now she's older and mostly unskilled, so there's not much work out there for her after being a sahm for 20 some years. She regrets not getting back to working sooner so that she could feel more successful. I keep that in mind. I also don't see a reason to sah once the boys are in school. Why? To stay home and clean and cook and be a PTA mom? I'm not a good housewife, so I know that I'll just sleep all day. I actually feel like I could be ok with putting DS in daycare now and working, but it's obviously useless to do that now. Maybe when #2 is one year old or so, if I can find a way to pay for two in daycare (unlikely).

Maelara · June 2014

I love staying home; however, it's what I've always wanted to do and I didn't have a really awesome career to go back too. I made $15/hr answering phones. It definitely isn't for everyone and you know what? That's ok! It's amazing, actually

the women out there working every day are pushing for equality in the work place and ensuring both my girls will have a bright future.

Being a SAHM is hard, I get bitten, hit and pinched on a daily basis. I also get my hair pulled and my glasses almost broken daily. I've had many days were I wished I worked and DH has even offered to switch positions. His earning potential is much higher than mine though. So that would never work.

All of that said... I wouldn't give it up for anything. Ever. I get to see her explore and discover new things, squeal in delight. It's amazing and I get to do it all day. I wake up every morning EXCITED to do this. I love it.

jac409 · June 2014

With my first LO, I was in the same boat as you. I liked my job and was good at it. I had worked very hard to get where I was. DH really wanted me to stay home though. I took maternity leave and told him I wanted to see how I liked staying home before I made a permanent decision. Turned out, I loved it and couldn't imagine handing my sweet baby over to a day care for 10 hours a day. So, I left and I have never regretted it. Sure, there are days when I miss the adult conversation, socializing with colleagues, meeting goals and deadlines, etc. But, there is so much I would have missed if I had gone back. They are only little once and there are no do overs. All that said, it is a very personal decision. Not everyone is cut out to stay home all day, and that is perfectly fine too. You have to do what works best for you and your family. If part time had been an option. I might have chosen that, but it wasn't. I don't know if it is for you or not, but maybe something to look into?

wallygirl · June 2014

I'm with pp as in I think it is a personal decision. I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM. We talked about it before we had children. However, it can be difficult to be home everyday without adult companionship. Also, if you identify yourself through your career then I would think it might be even more difficult. Being a SAHM is the most rewarding yet challenging job I've ever had.

mommymeg143 · June 2014

I have 6-8 weeks of maternity leave that I am going to use once baby comes. I wish I could work part time at my job but it's not an option. Most weeks I work a minimum of 60 hours. I'm sure they would say I could work part time but I know they would end up working me 40 or more!! The more I think about it, a 60 hour work week will not be good when baby comes.

My general manager seriously calls me into his office once a week to see if I'm staying or leaving. He said he needs to make arrangements if I plan on leaving so I feel a lot of pressure to make a decision. I would love to wait out the maternity leave and decide after baby comes but I don't think he's going to give me that option.

After seeing baby girl at the a/s today, she was ALL I could think about. I hardly got any work accomplished today because I was thinking about her. I want to do what's best for both of us and I really can't see myself being able to leave her everyday. I'm so thankful for you girls...your input really does mean a lot to me and it's definitely helping me to make a decision. Thank you so much!!

MrsLillyG · June 2014

All of my friends that are sahm love it. They say it's much nicer and easier than their jobs they previously had. But these women always wanted to be sah. I think that I would hate it. It is a personal decision!

venussapphire · June 2014

It's not easy it's a lot of work. But all the sweet moments make it worth it. I am home until DD is in kindergarden. If you can swing it then do it. Although once the kids are in school fulltime I really don't see the point of staying home.

Of course it does get boring sometimes but worth it.

hiketheworld · June 2014

FTM here, so take my opinion for what it's worth. I spent years and hundreds of thousands of dollars (yes plural) getting my degree and to give up everything I've worked so hard for seems like a waste of my time and talents. The idea of being a SAHM is very appealing for a lot of reasons but ultimately I don't think it is right for me.

I doubt many kids look at a SAHM and see the hard work, accomplishments, value in education, etc in the same way that you can see these traits in a working mom. SAHMs likely have all of these traits but it isn't as visible. I want my kids to look at me and see that working hard in school matters.

I also think about myself. In ten, twenty, and thirty years from now, will I see my former colleagues' careers as chief counsel for major corporations, government attorneys, or partners at big firms and feel like I missed an opportunity to really use my skills to their fullest extent? I may have no regrets or a ton of them, it's hard to say at this point.

It is difficult to step away from a career completely for the years while your kids are young. The longer you are out of the workforce, the smaller your professional network, and the less experience you have compared to your peers. You will never make the amount of money you otherwise would've by missing out on the critical years of your career in your 30s. That is the whole "Lean In" concept.

Finally, what if you've been out of the workforce and you get a divorce? Suddenly you have to support yourself while your partner has received the benefit of your care for the kids and his/her time devoted to work.

I would really think about the long-term consequences of being a SAHM. They may be totally irrelevant to you or they may matter a great deal. I think many, if not most, women would like to stay home for an extended period, but in the long-term is it worth it?

Singingmama10 · June 2014

As @hiketheworld indicated in her post, this is not some spur of the moment decision to make. Which I am sure you would not do. There is no right or wrong answer here. Some women want to keep their jobs, for personal or financial reasons and for them that is the best thing for everyone involved. And for others the best thing for all involved is for mom to sah.

I do think though, that even though I plan to be a SAHM, my children will still see my hard work, accomplishments, and value in education. My mom was a SAHM and I saw all of those attributes in her more than any other person in the world. And sure, there is a ton of risk in my decision to be a SAHM. This is most definitely the scariest and bravest thing I have ever done. Leaving my job where I have made a name for myself, plus basically all of my friendships is not an easy decision, but it is one I have decided to make because it is something that is important to both Mh and myself. Like I said there is no right or wrong answer. It's a personal decision that every woman must make.

BkBaby118 · June 2014

I'm an expectant FTM and I'm sort of in an interesting situation where I don't really have a choice about staying home or continuing to work, at least for this year. I just moved from NYC to Michigan (my husband will be working at a hospital out here for 1 year, before we move to NJ for 3 years to finish his residency), so I had to leave the job I was at for the last 6 years, but I'm still working remotely for them 3 full days a week. It's a temporary set-up though, and I don't anticipate it lasting past the summer. I'm due in November, so I'll obviously be home with the baby and won't have a job to go back to, plus we'll be moving again by June so I don't think I'll look for anything else.

I'm excited about the free time I'll have before giving birth, and the time I'll have to take care of and focus on my baby, but I haven't really thought about whether I'd want to go back to work next year. I think I would love staying at home, but I know my sister, who works long hours, would probably go crazy if she were at home all the time with her 2 kids. There are pros and cons to both choices, and I don't know if either would fulfill all your needs and desires!

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