So upset with my husband (venting, this is long)

mels823 · June 2014

I read a lot of posts from ladies with such supportive and wonderful husbands.... but is anyone (other than me) having some issues with theirs??

My husband was great the first week we found out. He was so excited. We had been having some troubles before hand but things had gotten better over the last few months. All of a sudden now that I am pregnant I am seeing that side of him I don't really like again and its making me so upset.

He does not understand that I am tired. Sometimes after I work for 10 hours I really don't have the energy to go home and take our dogs on a 5 mile walk and then come home and cook dinner. He complains that I am just using being pregnant as an excuse. Any time I say that I don't feel well (which honestly is not that often) he kind of just rolls his eyes and says "of course". If I've been feeling sick and have a craving for one specific thing, he gets cranky because he wants something else so we just end up getting what he wants because I don't want to deal with him being cranky about it.

This morning was the last straw. He has never liked my cat (I had this cat for years before we started dating and I love him so much) and he is not happy to have to clean the cat box. This morning he tells me "That's it, I'm not cleaning the F'ing cat box anymore, he can just f'ing go outside because I am not doing this" yadda yadda yadda. Cat is an indoor cat because we live in the middle of the woods and honestly has been for 9 years and I don't expect him to adjust to being an outdoor cat with wild animals around, he is so friendly he'd try to cuddle them as they try to eat him). So yeah, I guess today I will go buy some gloves and a medical mask to keep cleaning out the cat box. UGH.

Thanks for listening, I really just had to vent. For the most part no friends and co-workers know, so I can't talk to anyone about it. Anyone else have any frustrating stories they would like to share??

babeRN101 · June 2014

Aw I'm sorry your hubby is being a douchebag. I'll just say it like it is.
Have you sat him down and explained that it hurts your feelings and you really need his support right now?

mahalo3 · June 2014

Have you guys had a dr. appointment yet? My dr. gave a list of list of things to be aware of (pushing myself too hard working out, getting rest, not cleaning a cat box). Maybe if he hears it from the dr, he will realize all of these things are a real part of being pregnant.

PollyPositive · June 2014

This type of behavior would upset anyone. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this, on top of the raging hormones and nausea. You're growing a human that HE helped create. He should be willing to pick up some slack around the house. It's a small sacrifice.

Personally, I'm not one to grin and bear it. I have to speak my mind, and tell it how it is. I would hope that you two would be able to sit down as two adults who love and respect each other, and have an honest conversation. There might be more to his actions than you think. Maybe he's having a hard time adjusting to the pregnancy and all the changes that are on the horizon. He's a guy. He doesn't get all that you're already going through physically, mentally, and emotionally for this little person. You'll probably have to spell it all out for him. I really hope you guys are able to talk about things and come to a resolution.

Good luck!

ambmama · June 2014

My H seems to be a lot like yours. With my first pregnancy with DS and this one, he does not "believe" how tired I am, thinks I use being sick as an excuse (says "of course" too), and really just doesn't buy into the pregnancy symptoms. I cried a lot with my first pregnancy and told him that I wish he was one of those supportive husbands running out to the store at 3am for pickles for me. But he wasn't and it was something I had to accept. He did get a little better as I got huge and we had a cat - so I made him research why I couldn't change the cat box. I can say pushing through my fatigue, dizziness, and other symptoms definitely helped prepare me for those first few months of mommy-hood where the little baby doesn't care if you are too tired to stay up all night! I knew what I was getting into with my H because he's never been overly sensitive, but I did wish for more sympathy/support when pregnant.

The one good thing I can say is how my H treated my symptoms while pregnant (really not caring) is that it had absolutely no impact on how he behaves as a dad. He's a really good daddy and my DS loves him more than pretty much anyone (even me sometimes!). So my best advice is hang in there, try to get support from others (family/friends), and have faith that he will come around.

wintersong139 · June 2014

mahalo3 said:

Have you guys had a dr. appointment yet? My dr. gave a list of list of things to be aware of (pushing myself too hard working out, getting rest, not cleaning a cat box). Maybe if he hears it from the dr, he will realize all of these things are a real part of being pregnant.

This. DH never believes me unless I show him on WebMD or something similar. Then he changes his tune.

dreemkin84 · June 2014

I agree with @2013JEM‌.

That behavior wouldn't fly with me. Maybe you need to tell him you don't appreciate his attitude and talk it out. If he doesn't change i would have some serious thinking to do. Good luck!

nauticalmama · June 2014

Sorry you're dealing with this:( My suggestion would be couples counseling. DH and I have been going for almost a year now and it helps so much. We honestly didn't even have any specific problems when we started, just wanted to do some premarital counseling before the wedding. We both find it very helpful. Our counselor really helps us understand where each other are coming from. (We are both extremely stubborn.) We only go once a month now, for maintenance. Another couple I knew only went for three sessions and haven't had to go back since. So don't think you'll have to go every week if you don't want to or don't think you can afford it. I hope that helps, good luck!

mels823 · June 2014

Thanks for the support ladies! I think we are going to have to have a major talk tonight. He works a high stress job and has been working a lot of overtime
Lately, but that is really no excuse to be acting like a jerk. He's a Sargent in a max security prison and I think he is forgetting how to treat people like humans. Venting to you guys definitely helped!! Thanks

elysek18 · June 2014

My husband has similar feelings towards the cat box! I'm sure things will come to a head with us too. I hope things get better!

stefani103 · June 2014

Glad you're feeling a bit better about it.

Does he have any guy friends who have been through this? Your hubs sounds a lot like mine with the lack of sympathy. No matter what I say, it seems to be more believable when his friends explain that their wives went through the same thing.

I did flip out on my husband the other night. We hadn't ... been intimate ... in over a week. I told him that I was taking pills every night, giving myself a shot, and waking up every morning feeling like I'm dying. I wish I wanted to do more, but I feel like a blob. He later apologized. Growing a person isn't easy!

rslilly1 · June 2014

My husband *tries* to be supportive, but tends to forget. Since there aren't any outward signs (no bump, I haven't had any m/s), sometimes he asks (jokingly) "Are you sure you're pregnant?"

Yesterday, we were doing some chores together, and he was understanding when I said I needed to take a break, but then it was about 5 minutes before he was asking me to pitch in again.

I think things should get better when it seems more "real". If he's still being a pain when you're big, have him wear one of those sympathy bellies and see how he likes it.

As far as the litter box, I understand where he's coming from. DH and I have three cats- two are ours, one is his. I'd do anything for ours, but I only do things for his begrudgingly. Remind him he's not doing it for the cat, but for the baby and for himself- If the box gets too dirty, cat will not learn to go outside, he'll learn to pee on your stuff.

thegoodpotato · June 2014

It sounds like your husband has a pretty stressful job... And to be honest, without having experienced the pregnancy exhaustion myself, it would have been hard for me to sympathize. It's really hard to know what someone is going through unless you've been there.

With my H, he only really 'got' how tired I was when we were on our lunch break (we worked for the same employer at the time) and I fell asleep on the table and didn't even get to eat. I napped with my head on the table with my arms hanging like sausages for an hour. It finally clicked for him then.

I can see how, with the job that he has, that he might be a little resistant sympathizing with being tired. But he really does need to understand how you're feeling.

I think PPs have given you some great advice. He needs to be a little more empathetic at home. Not sure how to get him there, though.

So maybe my long-winded post isn't all that helpful...

bhjones1980 · June 2014

amberhoon said:

My H seems to be a lot like yours. With my first pregnancy with DS and this one, he does not "believe" how tired I am, thinks I use being sick as an excuse (says "of course" too), and really just doesn't buy into the pregnancy symptoms. I cried a lot with my first pregnancy and told him that I wish he was one of those supportive husbands running out to the store at 3am for pickles for me. But he wasn't and it was something I had to accept. He did get a little better as I got huge and we had a cat - so I made him research why I couldn't change the cat box. I can say pushing through my fatigue, dizziness, and other symptoms definitely helped prepare me for those first few months of mommy-hood where the little baby doesn't care if you are too tired to stay up all night! I knew what I was getting into with my H because he's never been overly sensitive, but I did wish for more sympathy/support when pregnant.
The one good thing I can say is how my H treated my symptoms while pregnant (really not caring) is that it had absolutely no impact on how he behaves as a dad. He's a really good daddy and my DS loves him more than pretty much anyone (even me sometimes!). So my best advice is hang in there, try to get support from others (family/friends), and have faith that he will come around.

all of this^^^

sounds like my DH, I think I can count on one hand (and still have 5 fingers left over) how many times he asked me how I was feeling with DS pregnancy. I eventually just figured it was how he is and whining and complaining about it wasn't going to change his personality.

I have been having some nausea this time (didn't with DS) and last night I said something about how I felt sick and he said "why?" ..... grrrrrr

But he is an excellent father, takes care of things around the house, etc. so I try to pick my battles.

StephanieLBerg · June 2014

I am so sorry to hear that your hubby is being such an ass. That's not fair for him to give you ultimatums like the cat box. If my hubby talked to me like that, he wouldn't live long enough to make an apology for it. Regardless, you really shouldn't handle the cat boxes, even with rubber gloves and a hospital mask. The parasites can enter the blood stream through the eyes even, so I honestly wouldn't risk it. Do you have a friend, or are willing to pay someone maybe $20/week to clean out the cat box? Maybe you know someone with a 12 or 13 year old kid looking to make a few extra bucks while your pregnant! I would exhaust all efforts in trying to find someone to come do it for you, before you result to taking on the risk yourself.

rslilly1 · June 2014

StephanieLBerg said:
The parasites can enter the blood stream through the eyes even

I really don't think that's true. I'm pretty sure it has to be ingested or directly into your blood stream (so in theory an open wound).

StephanieLBerg · June 2014

rslilly1 said:

StephanieLBerg said:
The parasites can enter the blood stream through the eyes even

I really don't think that's true. I'm pretty sure it has to be ingested or directly into your blood stream (so in theory an open wound).

This is what I was told by my OB. But either way, better to be safe than sorry imo.

MorganneMpls · June 2014

I'm sorry to hear your husband is indulging in some douchery. My husband is not unsupportive, but he does seem a little annoyed with how tired/under the weather I have been since getting pregnant. I'm not one to cut him any slack, but I think that it is an adjustment period for both of us (going from walking the dogs after work and cooking every night, to wanting to lay on the couch until I feel justified in transferring to bed is a huge, boring change.) I finally cried because of some "you don't want to do anything anymore" comment, and I think that he is starting to get that I would love to have the extra energy/feel up to going to a bike ride or walk, but it's just not in me right now.

On an unrelated noted, I convinced my husband like 3 years ago that if we ever want to have children that I cannot be exposed to toxoplasmosis or they will be born with three legs so I haven't cleaned a cat box in forever (with the exception of deployments.) Does this make me a terrible person? Maybe.

Mom2DrG · June 2014

StephanieLBerg said:

rslilly1 said:

StephanieLBerg said:
The parasites can enter the blood stream through the eyes even

I really don't think that's true. I'm pretty sure it has to be ingested or directly into your blood stream (so in theory an open wound).
This is what I was told by my OB. But either way, better to be safe than sorry imo.

My OB said if my cats never went out (they dont) and I hadn't been exposed to the parasites before (blood test) I was fine to clean the litter box. Not what I wanted to hear but DH has never been one for foul smells so I didn't push it. I didn't let him out of dirty duper duty.

OP - hopefully your heart to heart will go well with you hubs.

Frommbaby · June 2014

Me and my husband have our tiffs but we work through it. Don't worry. Yours will come around.

.

kimmykaye · June 2014

Hope your talk tonight goes well. It makes me sad to think that there are DH's and SO's out there who aren't supportive and caring for the things we go through. My sister's DH was like that for both her pregnancies. She had to be on a special medication that was expensive, and he tried to find it on amazon for cheap. He's a cheapskate when it comes to her and their family, but yet he can spend ALL their tax return on stuff HE wants. With her 2nd pregnancy she had to give herself shots for her nausea, and he was still a jerk about the cost. She says they're done having kids because sage doesn't want to go through all that again without having his support. He gets my blood boiling, but I have to stay out of it. She's the one that loves him, not me. I'm just thankful to have a DH who supported me through all the trials of our high risk pregnancies (including multiple trips to the hospital). I hope your DH starts to understand your pregnancy symptoms and starts to help support you through this time. (Sorry if this seemed like a rant on my BIL.)

Lrjjj08 · June 2014

Have you considered talking to a counselor? It's probably best to resolve these issues before the baby! He may just need some time to adjust. I think it takes men longer to digest the idea if a baby!!

sweetdreamz6700 · June 2014

I'm sorry about your husband. Mine has his moments too and seems to decide to give me a hard time about things at the wrong time. He didn't realize this was an issue until I told him how I felt about it. Now that he knows he's gotten much, much better.

As far as all the toxo talk...OB's tend to exaggerate toxo transmission. I don't know why but they do. I talk at least 1 pregnant woman off a ledge each week about this. Here's a link from the cdc :https://www.cdc.gov/parasites/toxoplasmosis/gen_info/pregnant.html. You are honestly more exposed to toxo from unwashed fruits and veggies than cat litter boxes; especially those cleaned everyday ( it takes days for it to become infectious). If you are really concerned then have a titer done to see if you have already developed immunity.

aggiebug · June 2014

StephanieLBerg said:

rslilly1 said:

StephanieLBerg said:
The parasites can enter the blood stream through the eyes even

I really don't think that's true. I'm pretty sure it has to be ingested or directly into your blood stream (so in theory an open wound).
This is what I was told by my OB. But either way, better to be safe than sorry imo.

Your OB is completely wrong on this. It is 100% fecal oral transmission (well that and organ transplant) . Even entering through an open wound is not a risk.

Wih excellent hygiene you should be safe but because of the risk of serious problems many don't take any risks. And TBH you are more likely to get it from undercooked pork or beef than from a litter box.

OP, good luck. I don't have anything to add except I am sorry. It is frustrating.

mels823 · June 2014

Frommbaby said:

Me and my husband fight all the time now. Very depressing and stressful on the baby. He doesn't get it. He expects me to stay up and watch movies with him and gets angry when I fall asleep. I'm fucking tired!!!!!!! Not to mention I have to cook dinner and do all the laundry. Wtf?!? So over it.

haha YES. This. He is so annoyed I don't want to stay up late and watch movies! I went to bed at 8 pm yesterday, I don't think I'll make it till 1 AM going to a double feature at the drive in every weekend lol.

mels823 · June 2014

So ending to the story is I came home on lunch while he was also home, he didn't say one word to me, so when I finally said hello to him, he asked me why I am in such a pissy mood! I briefly lost it. Lots of tears. He was shocked. I honestly think he just had no idea how I was really feeling and that he is really, really upsetting me. Well, he's been great the last 4 hours so that is a start LOL maybe we will go back to counseling in the future, but hopefully he can keep to his word and promise to be more supportive! Good luck to the rest of you ladies with significant others like mine lol !! We will all get through this

cutiepie0104 · June 2014

Im sorry to hear your Husband hasn't been supportive. I had mine go with me to the first appointment to hear every good and bad thing the Doctor had to say. Be Honest, and clear with him.

amt0312 · June 2014

Ugghh, sorry to hear about your DH

I mean, my husband forgets sometimes why I complain of fatigue or nausea, but mostly, he's happy to hear I am tired and just wanna lay around because that means he gets to lay around too. And seriously? Your DH wants dinner? Give him a coupon for a frozen dinner and tell him to suck it. The fatigue is real and its almost debilitating at times.

sgautschi · June 2014

DH didn't take my pregnancy symptoms seriously half the time when I was pregnant with DD. It wasn't until I passed out and got a concussion around 15 weeks that he knew how taxing pregnancy was on my body. He has been much better this pregnancy.

I hope your talk goes/went well!

krasley · June 2014

Idk if this is helpful, but I asked my husband to download a man-focused pregnancy app. It gives weekly updates, compares the baby size to a funny guy thing (bottle cap, cigarette, etc.) and most importantly explains what is happening inside us women and how it is affecting us. My husband plays games all the time on this phone so I thought he might like a new app to explore and he loves it! He tells me the updates and it has helped him understand me also. Just an idea!

kimb311 · June 2014

krasley said:
Idk if this is helpful, but I asked my husband to download a man-focused pregnancy app. It gives weekly updates, compares the baby size to a funny guy thing (bottle cap, cigarette, etc.) and most importantly explains what is happening inside us women and how it is affecting us. My husband plays games all the time on this phone so I thought he might like a new app to explore and he loves it! He tells me the updates and it has helped him understand me also. Just an idea!

Do you know the name of the app? That sounds perfect for my husband!

danichyl · June 2014

Thinking about you and wanted to check in.

mylazypony · June 2014

Boy oh boy, I'm glad I don't have a husband. I'm co-parenting this lil bean with my friend.

gnjforever · June 2014

My fiance and I are separated now because "I was using pregnancy as an excuse". You are not alone! I get where you are coming from and I'm so sorry!

tortor4 · June 2014

kimb311 said:

krasley said:
Idk if this is helpful, but I asked my husband to download a man-focused pregnancy app. It gives weekly updates, compares the baby size to a funny guy thing (bottle cap, cigarette, etc.) and most importantly explains what is happening inside us women and how it is affecting us. My husband plays games all the time on this phone so I thought he might like a new app to explore and he loves it! He tells me the updates and it has helped him understand me also. Just an idea!
Do you know the name of the app? That sounds perfect for my husband!

I just found this app for my husband and he loves it! I just searched for men pregnancy apps in the App Store and it was the first one that came up. Good thinking!

Jessicaj703 · June 2014

So sorry to hear what you're having to deal with. Especially right now when you are exhausted!! I have a girl friend that is due this month and in the beginning she said her husband didn't believe her symptoms either. She bought him the "my boys can swim" book and it really helped give him a better understanding about what she was going through. It's short, funny and written for men. I would give it a shot! I bought it for my husband as well. Hope that helps! Good luck! Xoxo

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