Stay at home dads?

nolagal79 · June 2014

Good Morning people - bare with me as this is a bit lengthy but I'd like opinions on the situation.

My husband and I had our first child in January. I'm employed full time as a therapist and rehab director and am compensated well for it. My husband's contract with the Navy ended in April. The plan all along was for him to get a job and for my mom to keep our daughter while we worked. I don't want to use daycare for personal reasons, and do not see anything wrong with using daycare (and feel it's quite helpful and appropriate for some families) it's just not what's best for our family right now. Since his contract ended, my husband has been home taking care of E while I work. Initially it was rough for me to handle as some of you may remember.

Fastforward to last week and my husband got a job, the job he wanted. I thought that I would be SO excited about him getting a job, but I wasn't. Now that it's coming closer to him signing the contract for the job I'm having second thoughts about him working outside of the home. My mom's health isn't the best and I'm concerned that by her keeping E it will decline. We both sat down and talked about it last night and made a list of pros/cons of both situations - him accepting the job or him staying home with E. On paper it makes sense for him to stay home with her and maybe get a part time job. Another option for is for him to stay home with her and go back to school for a degree in business and let the GI bill pay for tuition and while he's a fulltime student he would also receive a housing allowance that would help with the mortgage.

My concerns are that I would resent him for being able to stay home with her and not me. Foolish, I know, but that is my concern. Fortunately one of our paychecks allows for the other one to stay home with E, but unfortunately (for me for purely selfish reasons) it's not me that gets to stay with her.

Is anyone else out there in a similar situation that would like to share their story? I'm sure I'm leaving out details that are important but I'm rushing to get out the door to work. Any stay at home dads that can share perspective??

Thanks for listening and any advice ya'll have.

RondackHiker · June 2014

What does your husband want? YOU were upset he was home with her, YOU are now upset he might be working and possibly want him to stay home.... But at the same time YOU think you'll resent him?

There's a lot of you in here. That may just be how you wrote it, but that jumped out at me. What does your husband want?

Where would she stay if he's in school?

If mom is sick, don't ask her to watch your DD. That's not fair.

JessaPrimate · June 2014

H works from home and I left the daycare decision up to him. He decided to keep DD home. I did feel some resentment when missing her but it wasn't constant. I also never felt like I was missing milestones.

My H has the temperment for it. Even if he wasn't home with the baby, he doesn't feel the need to go out. I also made a point to bring up the daycare discussion every now and then to make sure the situation was still working for both of us.

allonsyalonso · June 2014

Ultimately, I think it could be him that ends up resentful if he's really excited about this job and you talk him out of it so you don't have to send your DD to DC.

I loved SAH, but after 7 months I needed to be doing something else. Involving talking to grown people. I WAH now, but it's awesome to have something that's mine and an identity outside of mommy and to be able to talk to adults on a regular basis.

You should be talking this over with your husband. He may have additional reasons for wanting to go back to work. SAH is a bit lonely.

BootsOrHearts · June 2014

I would love for DH to stay at home with Baby Boots, we've talked about it and this may be an option for us next year. Our income would be cut a little bit, but we could find a way to make it work. I'd love this almost as much as I'd love to stay home with the baby.

I doubt you'll resent it as much as you think. It may just take some adjustment time. But if you can't stay home with baby, isn't your husband staying home the next best thing?

NotSharknado · June 2014

Ask your husband what he wants. I'm confused as to why you would grow resentful?

RondackHiker · June 2014

ScoutNumbers05 said:

NotSharknado said:
Ask your husband what he wants. I'm confused as to why you would grow resentful?
Well, if she wanted to be home but the financial reality doesn't allow that, I understand what she's saying.

But again, I think some of that is actively working and choosing not to give in to the resentment. IF they BOTH feel it's important that he be home.

But she said she could stay at home and choses not to, so I don't think it's fair of her to decide to work and then be resentful if her H decides to stay at home, especially if she encourages him to do so.

NotSharknado · June 2014

ScoutNumbers05 said:

Ask your husband what he wants. I'm confused as to why you would grow resentful?
Well, if she wanted to be home but the financial reality doesn't allow that, I understand what she's saying. But again, I think some of that is actively working and choosing not to give in to the resentment. IF they BOTH feel it's important that he be home.

Agreed. Plus also, there's no "I" in team, yo.

NotSharknado · June 2014

I thought she was worried about being resentful because of him working? She wants him to stay home.

allonsyalonso · June 2014

ScoutNumbers05 said:

RondackHiker said:

ScoutNumbers05 said:

NotSharknado said:
Ask your husband what he wants. I'm confused as to why you would grow resentful?
Well, if she wanted to be home but the financial reality doesn't allow that, I understand what she's saying.

But again, I think some of that is actively working and choosing not to give in to the resentment. IF they BOTH feel it's important that he be home.

But she said she could stay at home and choses not to, so I don't think it's fair of her to decide to work and then be resentful if her H decides to stay at home, especially if she encourages him to do so.
I think you're misreading the OP (it's not written super clearly). They can afford to live on one paycheck, but only the one she brings in. I took that to mean his salary would not allow for a single income situation. It's either they both work, or just her. His pay was not enough.

I could be wrong, but I believe that's what she's saying.

This is what I got, too. It sounds like she's resentful because she wants to be the one to stay home and can't because her paycheck is the one that makes ends meet. I don't think it's an option for her to stay home.

MissChanandlerBong · June 2014

You mentiond that one of your options is for your H to stay home with your DD and go to school fulltime. My H stayed home with DD1 for the last 3 years, and went to school at night fulltime after I got home from work. It was really hard on all of us, but especially him - he was home alone with her all day, then had a 40 minute commute to sit in class for 3 hours, and most of the time didn't get home until 11. And he had to fit in homework, studying, and group work in there too. We made it work, but it was not easy. There was a little bit of resentment on both sides, but like PPs said, you have to consciously realize that neither of us had it "easy" - our jobs were different but they were both demanding. Your H would be working 2 full time jobs (childcare and student), and it will be tough.

Anyway, I agree with others that what your DH wants is a critical missing piece of information. And financially, him staying home is not just the loss of a paycheck, but years of raises, promotions, experience, and retirement contributions.

ASmallWonder · June 2014

Wonder if the OP is ever coming back. OP, bluntly, you don't seem to be considering what's best for any of the other people in this situation, just yourself. You haven't said how your husband feels and you haven't given near enough thought to the burden caring for your child puts on your ailing mother nor the fact that being cared for by her could actually be detrimental to your daughter's development. Chilling with Grammy over a movie is fine for a kid sometimes even if Grammy can't get up and play but for full time care, kids need. They need interaction, they need to run, they need outside time, they need, need, need. She's young now but her needs are only going to get harder for your mother to handle from a physical standpoint.

Lolapop29 · June 2014

I think this was a post and run, she hasn't been active since she posted it.

allonsyalonso · June 2014

She said it would be a post and run in her OP.

nolagal79 · June 2014

Sorry for the post and run - I was rushing out the door to work and am on my lunch right now. I haven't had time to read all of the response but from the first few I definitely think that I didn't explain myself well.

My husband wants to stay home with her and has the same thoughts as me in regards to wanting her to stay with family. My mom keeping her is no longer an option due to health concerns that we have for her. She still wants to keep E, but we are in no way considering it.

My husband and I talked in great depth last night about it. We both share the same fears of a single income family and both share the concerns of of me getting out of the house and him being in the house. We discussed that we both need clear cut expectations as to what our roles/responsibilities. He definitely wants to get some outside work (he's a musician) to continue that part of his life.

I have to get back to work but in reading the first few responses I realize that I wrote my op from a very one sided perspective but infact we discussed in at length together last night.

Look forward to reading the rest of the responses when I get home tonight!

Unknown · June 2014

This content has been removed.

nolagal79 · June 2014

I read a few more responses and real quick -

The job that he was offered wasn't his dream job, it was just a job in the school system he wants to work in. The job he was offered is actually not one that he wants.

My question to him is "what do you want and to do" and he answered stay home with E. We are just trying to sort out the logistics of it and to really think about it to see if it will work for both of us.

Again I apologize for the post and run this morning and now. I will have more time to respond and fill in any missing pieces when I get home.

Lolapop29 · June 2014

Since he is a musician, is it possible he does something like in home music lessons to make a little extra income? It might take some of the one income pressure off.

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