Avoiding Family Conflict

Ljames102 · June 2014

Mommies -

Need advise on a family situation. As you may or may not be aware, the number of whooping cough cases in California has officially reached epidemic proportions according to the California Department of Public Health. There have been more than 3,400 new cases reported in California between January 1, 2014 and June 10, 2014 (350 in Los Angeles County alone), with more than two-thirds of pertussis hospitalizations being children four month or younger, and two infant deaths this year. All health organizations
recommend that all adults who will be in close contact with an infant should get the TDaP vaccine at least two weeks before contact.

Accordingly, I asked mine and my significant's mothers to get the TDaP vaccine booster. In addition I advised them of this information and asked them to spread the information to close family who intend to spend time with the baby during the first six weeks. My family is all on board. This morning I received an email from my significant's mother refusing to get the shot because she "doesn't believe in such preventative measures."

I am not sure how to handle this situation. I am unwanting to put my baby at risk, however I know that denying her the right to visit will cause world war 3. Hoping you guys have some words of wisdom.

TIA

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

Look, you are gonna be a mama soon. Find that inner mama bear and do what is best for you child. Remember, your child's health and well being is more important than MIL's feelings and you are not keeping her for the baby. She is keeping the baby from herself.

bluebird1109 · June 2014

You need to stand your ground. You have valid concerns. It is your SO mother's right to refuse to get the vaccine, but then she has to understand what the consequences of that decision are. If you feel more comfortable doing so, respond in an e-mail since she sent you one to express her refusal. I would have SO read it so that you are both on the same page with what was said by her and what your response as a couple will be. Make sure you involve your SO in order to have a united front because that will make it easier to stand your ground. Personally, I would never back down from this even if my DH did not agree because if something did happen to my child I would never in a million years forgive myself.

ASmallWonder · June 2014

Let her know that she is free to make medical decisions for herself however she sees fit but that you and DH will be making medical decisions for the baby and that means protecting the baby from whooping cough. Plain and simple.

PrimRoseMama · June 2014

No TDAP no baby until LO can be vaccinated. An adult can have minor symptoms (think runny nose) & pass pertussis to an infant without even knowing it.

She is entitled to her beliefs (as absurd as I think they are), but she is NOT entitled to endanger your child. Family strife be damned, your kid comes first!

Lizarella82 · June 2014

I just went through this with my MIL- she said "I don't think I'll be getting any shots" and DH said "I'm not asking- it's not optional. Either you get the shot or you don't see the baby." Your SO definitely needs to be involved. I firmly believe that if you don't stand your ground on this you are setting yourself up for more conflict down the road- establish the boundary now. You are the parents, you get final say on what is best for your child.

lookame3639 · June 2014

"MIL
I understand you don't believe in such preventative measures and I respect your decision to forgo the TDap vaccine. H and i however feel the shot is important and with the recent outbreak we are concerned with the risks of exposure to LO. With this being said we feel it necessary to protect LO and will be limiting the exposure as best we can. Unfortunately if you don't receive the shot we have decided these actions are appropriate
-you will not be allowed in the hospital room
-you will not be allowed to hold LO
-you will not be allowed to kiss LO hands, head, shoulders, feet ect
-you will not be allowed to see LO for more than (30? This is up to you) minutes at a time
-you will not be allowed to watch LO with H or I present
-other actions you feel appropriate
i hope you understand
thanks"

The list of actions i provided can be changed to your liking but above all your H needs to be on the same page as you.

JSS1002 · June 2014

I would also make sure that the message comes from you and your SO -- perhaps even have him deliver the message -- so that you aren't painted to be the bad guy.

SaranJonathan · June 2014

I agree with PP. No visits until your LO has gotten the vaccine.

ErnieZippy · June 2014

Oh man, this is a tough situation. It's a shame she is putting her needs so far ahead of your new baby's. I'm sure if you and your SO explain your fears she will come around. Good luck x

Pinkmom19 · June 2014

Is the TDaP being recommended outside of CA? My OB has never mentioned it.

foreverapartofme · June 2014

I know I personally despise conflict, but sometimes it is important. In this case, you are protecting your child, which is always worth the fight. First I would sit down with your SO and make sure he is on the same page and deliver her your news as a united front. She might be annoyed at first but she will get over it if she wants to see your LO. Good luck with everything!

Wyn · June 2014

I live in Nebraska. Got Tdap at 30 weeks. Midwife said good to get while preggo and pass some immunity to baby. Hubby agreed to get Tdap n flu shot this year. Usually doesn't. Love him.

Pinkmom19 · June 2014

Thanks @ClrkKntismyAE‌ I will be asking my OB about getting it.

Erin0303 · June 2014

I'm certain your doctor would advise against anyone coming in close contact with your new baby not to be if they have not had the shot. Here in Texas, it's a requirement since we have already had confirmed cases as well. Stand by your doctor and push it on your famil; if they choose not to get it then they cannot be allowed around the baby. Plus, UT takes a few weeks to build up in their system so they need the shot now. No shot? No baby. That's what I had to say and everyone in the family is now vaccinated. Good luck.

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

Wow, the Bumpie consensus on this has really done a 180 since I had my first. I didn't allow my brother to visit the baby because he refused to get the Tdap booster & flu shot and I was considered the worst sister ever for that (he did meet her at the next family function when DD was 5 months old). I guess the CDC recommendation that came out shortly after has changed people's minds.

Anyway, OP I agree it makes sense to set limits and for this to be your hill to die on, but your husband should be the one going on that hill, not you. Let him call his mom and explain that you both have decided you just can't risk your child's life given the current epidemic; if she really feels she can not get the vaccine, then plan a visit for when baby is 10 weeks old.

Avoiding Family Conflict

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