18 mo old behaviour help

larissarachelle · June 2014

My 18 month old throws tantrums all the time. I am unable to sit through a church service, eat at at restaurant or go anywhere without him acting awful. I have taken him to the doctor several times, they say he is fine. He has an allergist appointment coming up in a few months. Saturday we had a church dinner, he proceeded to knock over a cooler, not only once but twice. I am at my wits end. My mother keeps him and I can tell it is taking a toll on her. This morning when my sister dropped her son off, my son proceeded to break a glass fruit figurine. He doesn't cry when spanked and he does whatever you tell him not to or get on to him for doing. When you take him outside, he runs constantly. I NEED HELP! Is this normal behavior? Should he go back to the dr? Any input would be appreciated.

Myaflowers · June 2014

It's pretty normal for an 18 month old to have difficulty in situations where they are expected to sit still for long periods of time (like church). My DD is 17 months old and is very busy and into everything. I feel this is normal. I would never expect her to just sit through a church service. She does OK when we go out to eat, but we have to keep her entertained. As far as breaking things is concerned, glass/breakable things don't need to be within the reach of an 18 month old. They are naturally very curious and are also clumsy. Things will get dropped. As far as spanking your toddler... Please don't. That isn't going to be effective, will teach him that it's OK to hit others, and he's just a baby and isn't going to understand why you are hitting him. Poor little guy. I could never imagine spanking my DD.

kjsmith9 · June 2014

Yup, totally normal. The past 2 weeks it seems like DD throws a tantrum over anything, and for no reason. Picking the wrong shoes, wanting to read a different book, wanting to walk down the first 3 steps but then needs to be carried, wanting the OTHER stroller. Literally. Anything.

They can't communicate well enough to tell you what's wrong, and they want to be up and moving around and getting in to everything all the time. If your LO is already a bit "spirited" to begin with, spanking is going to backfire on you BIG TIME - he's going to think that hitting is okay when he doesn't like what someone else is doing. You need to completely ignore what he's doing, as long as he's in a safe space and isn't going to fall down steps, bang his head, etc - just leave him be. He's doing stuff to get a rise out of whoever is around (you, grandma, anyone else).

ashiscute · June 2014

I agree with PPs. Everyone thinks their toddler is more spirited or more stubborn but most of our toddlers are just normal. Usually when I notice DS's behavior is more out of control I stop and examine my own and realize what I could be doing to change it. I realize I haven't been giving enough warnings when we are transitioning activities. Or that I'm not letting him be independent enough by not giving him a chance to put on his own shoes or letting him choose a bowl for snacks or something like that.

I would not expect my 3 yo or 21 mo to sit through a church service. I think that's a lot to ask of a child of that age. Does your church have a nursery he can go to at that time? As far as eating out both of my kids are usually good about this. But we go to restaurants that are family friendly and I always have cheerios in my bag along with stuff to color and a book or two. That will help until the food gets there.

I'm not sure why you are spanking him but I don't believe that is a very effective type of discipline. We started time outs around 17 mos for the big ones (hitting, kicking, throwing things at people) and both my kids got it right away. But at this age you also need to still redirect and ignore behaviors that are annoying but not really dangerous. I do not think it sounds like he needs to see a doctor.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

valeriegp · June 2014

Agree with PPs. My son is very active and running everywhere. He would definitely break fragile things if he got his hands on them -- not on purpose but just because he doesn't know any better.

I read that saying no too much is ineffective at this age, and I have tried to implement this. I noticed my son got to where he thought "no" was a game. At this age, distraction is still a great tool for misbehavior, so we reserve "no" for serious or repeated things. Mostly, we use no to stop behaviors we don't want at the table and for dangerous activities. Otherwise we use a lot of redirection. This works well for us.

Also, agree on the church thing. That is way too long to expect a toddler this age to sit still. My son can't sit still for 10 minutes unless he's tired or sick. We only go to family friendly restaurants and take lots of snacks, but eating out is getting harder and harder because he doesn't want to be still that long.

When I was a teacher we were told that an average child has an attention span equivalent to his age in minutes, give or take a few. So, a 15 year old has a 15 minute attention span. I think older kids can learn to have better attention spans, but think about what that means for a 1.5 year old!

valeriegp · June 2014

Also, try to remember that getting into everything and picking up everything is because they are curious. This is how they learn. If it's safe, it's good for them.

larissarachelle · June 2014

I do have friends with kids, but none of them act the way my son does. I suppose this is normal behavior, we are from the south and believe a little spat on the hand will not hurt the child. (this is what i mean by spanking) My son does have eczema at which reason he is seeing the allergist. I do not make him sit through a church service, he plays with toys, eats snacks, and does attend the nursery when needed. I just needed some moral support from some mothers whose kids throw tantrums. Apparently, there aren't any in my area. LOL!

brachysira · June 2014

Yes, normal. Like pps have said, adjust your expectations. No small child should be put in a room with glass figurines and be expected to not break them. We are happy if LO sits through a meal at a restaurant, but we don't expect it. If we need LO to sit still we a) constrain her--for instance, she sits in a shopping cart at the store or in her stroller during my OB appts and b) entertain her. We give her snacks, her cup, etc. If it's long, I expect that she'll need to go outside or somewhere else and run around. Tantrums are just going to happen, but you can try to avoid them by putting him in situations where you don't see any temptations. You can adjust what is okay too. Did it matter if he knocked over the cooler? If your mother is too tired by the end of the day, perhaps hire a high school kid to play with your LO for a few hours each day. I read toddlers need to be running around 3 hours/day, and I'd say that is pretty minimal.

Myaflowers · June 2014

I'm from the South, and my DD throws plenty of tantrums. We try redirecting before we get to the point of a tantrums, and if that doesn't work, we try our best to ignore the tantrum as long as she's safe. I still don't condone any form of spanking. I don't think it's effective. I'm a child therapist, and, from my experience, spanking usually causes the bad behavior to escalate. Plus, as I said before, you don't want DS to learn that hitting is OK

brachysira · June 2014

Being from the South doesn't mean you should hit your child. For one thing, plenty of things are "okay" in the South that aren't okay. Second, as pps said, this won't work out for you. It will just teach your child to hit. Finally, it's not working for you now, so why defend it? My 17 month-old is already getting better at tantrums. Be consistent about what is allowed. Do outings when LO is well-rested and well-fed. Respond to tantrums calmly. Stay close at all times so you can distract and prevent bad situations. At home/at grandma's, it might be useful to get some more gates, if you don't have them. Our house is child proofed, but we have a gated area where I am be sure she is safe when I need to step away for a minute.

=Lee=B · June 2014

Distract and redirect. Make sure you save 'no' for satey issues (running onto a street or touchign a hot stove) if you say it for everything they tune you out quickly. Hands down, gentle hands, quiet voice, walking feet are all cues for your child that tell them what you DO want to see not what you DON'T want to see.

Toddlers quickly get into a power struggle and quickly get into a run of poor behavior when they don't know what to do and are not receiving clear, meaningful cues from their parent.

Set your child up for success. This may mean doing a major baby proofing so he can't touch anything you don't want him to touch. Go to noisy, busy pubs for dinner not fancy quiet restaurants. Step back ,figure out what changes need to be made so he is consistently receiving praise from you and his other caregivers then slowly reintroduce him to scenerios where he needs to learn to 'behave'.

I'm not one for going crazy and making the house completely babyproof...we don't have a gate at the bottom of our stair case (only the top) we have decorative display items out but we have trained our daughter to respect these things. We go to fancy restaurants, when she is in the right mood. We did it through training with gentle praise, redirection and distraction. If she was not able to handle all this we would go further and baby proof more and go to more child friendly pubs.

It sounds like you need to make many changes so you are not giving him constant signals that he is 'bad'.

My 15 month old tests me ALL THE TIME. She knows what is expected for the most part but wants to see if i will react. She knows she is not to touch the bins we store shoes and hats etc in. She goes to it daily and looks at me with that goofy smile as she slowly reaches out to touch it. All I have to do is raise my eye brows at her and she giggles and runs off. Sometimes I have to say hands down, sometime I have to go pick her up and move her to the toy bins she is allowed to empty. She doesn't hear no, she doesn't get in trouble and she doesn't get smacked. It is totally expected that she will keep trying. The bins are right there at her level and are tons of fun to empty. We choose to keep them there and to continuously remind her they are off limits. We do this because it is beneficial to her to learn the limits and rules. It takes a TON of patience though.

Step back and see what YOU need to change in regards to your own actions. Get out of the negative discipline run you are in and flip it so you are giving tons of praise and encouragement.

MommaHen1984 · June 2014

DS went through this recently, it was really bad for a few weeks. He would throw a tantrum if I wasn't fast enough to get him in the tub because he loves the tub or he didn't want me to put a shirt on, etc. When he got in these moods and started throwing himself around, I just lay him on the floor away from anything and walk away. Eventually he caught on and would get up and find me and be okay.

Also, I noticed talking quietly but sternly helped surprisingly. For ex. when he wanted in the tub and started screaming and banging on the bathroom door and throwing himself around, I sat on the floor and said to him" you want to get in the tub right" and he would his head and I would say " okay, we can but you have to calm down" I know it sounds nuts but this actually worked. He seemed to really pay attention to what I said. Now, this doesn't ALWAYS work but it definitely made a difference in some situations. I don't believe in spanking personally, but that's just becauseI can't tell a child not to hit or do something he's not supposed to then go and hit him. It defeats the purpose for me at least.

ThatWasAHoot · June 2014

My 21 month old is very good while playing at home or somewhere where she can do so, but I can't really take her anywhere that doesn't involve playing. She isn't destructive or anything, though.
One thing you may want to try that helped enormously for us is being very clear about things. I started telling her what exactly what was going to happen and when. Now she doesn't have tantrums when we leave places, etc. I mean, really, the tantrums do continue in other areas. Just a few minutes ago I took her down from her seat and brought her into the playroom with her brother and she just LOST it! Why? She wouldn't tell me. Eventually I grabbed her hand and brought her into the kitchen to see what she wanted and even though she could have easily asked me for her cup, she was too hysterical and pointed.
This is a very tough age! Children have emotions that are all over the place and wants that they just can't convey sometimes. Setting more boundaries and being very clear with her has helped a lot.
Last week we took her to a restaurant and well, we learned that we won't do that again for a long while.

Also, guys, I am not an advocate for spanking, but I am pretty sure OP gets it now.

JulesDiane · June 2014

Pretty much what everyone has said here. And, if your mother is having a tough time with him, maybe it's time to look for another childcare option. Maybe a more structured environment might help out too.

Starfish+77 · June 2014

I'm pretty sure my 18.5 month old DD is the Toddler Tantrum Queen. Funny bc apparently she's a perfect angel at daycare and reserves the tantrums for me. Oh and she won't poop at daycare either. Awesome. Totally normal :-)

girlyjo · June 2014

DS is only 13 months and he's started the tantrums like a pro already! I've heard that one is the new two! Anyway, I've noticed that wording my reprimands differently helps a lot. Like PPs said,
"no" gets tuned out but somehow "walk away" or "find the teddy bear" gets him into the right state of mind and he's suddenly happy again. As soon as I forget and become frustrated with his behavior, he does the same thing and throws a fit.

minervacullen · June 2014

We are going out to dinner tonight, I'm expecting at least a mild tantrum and for my 18 month old DD to try and run all over. It's normal.

Make sure your LO is getting enough sleep, love, positive words (like saying "oh you're such a good boy! Thank you!"), make sure breakable items are out of reach.

I would never expect my toddler to sit during church. The nursery is a given. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of trying to have her sit, it's asking for trouble.

Also, find a new child care.

Stop spanking/smacking/hitting at all. Don't do it! I don't care if every single person you have ever met does it, just don't!

Read some development books.

traveltheworld · June 2014

DS had very bad meltdowns in public at that age. I resorted to bringing a light blanket along and would put that underneath him while he rolled around and screamed/cried his head off. We would just stand there and ignore him. Sometimes it lasted for 30 minutes. But after about a dozen times or so, he realized throwing a tantrum in public doesn't get him anywhere and he stopped.

He still cries/whines and has little meltdowns in public, but they don't last nearly as long now. We take him aside, acknowledge his feelings and let him cry for a bit, then usually he is ok.

We do exactly the same thing at home.

MrsBigTime · June 2014

He sounds very, very normal!

Toddlers are innately wild and crazy, some even more so than others.

I trust you are doing what you feel is best, and I would urge you to take the heart of what PP's have said and not let the negative comments about spanking get to you. Of course, spanking is not the most effective form of discipline, especially for a 1.5 year old.

I want to say that I am also really struggling with my daughter at 18 months old. Somehow, seemingly overnight, my sweet baby has turned into this headstrong and feisty little child and I'm still reeling over how exactly it happened (it's totally normal, btw!). She test my boundaries and patience daily and I've yet to figure out exactly how to predict her, but that is par for the course with a toddler.

Things that I've found that are helpful are: making sure she gets plenty of play and exercise. Sure, she throws giant fits when I strap her into the car seat or stroller when we pack up to leave the park or play activity, but she naps great if I've taken the opportunity to go out in the morning (we do the zoo, long walks or the park as often as we can). I also try really hard to just ignore her, but honestly, I have a really difficult time with that. I've also noticed that if LO is acting particularly difficult, I've probably been more distracted than usual. If that is the case, I try to stop what I am doing and get down and actively play with her. I'll pull out her blocks and build with her, or start a game of chase. Sometimes I'll even do something as simple as going outside together to check the mail and allowing her to look at every leaf and crack in the cement along the way. So many days I'm busy and rushed, and I find that those days affect her more than I anticipate, so getting back to basics and focusing my attention all on her help tremondusly.

FWIW, you are not alone and this season is a hard one. Hang in there and keep doing the great job you are doing!

18 mo old behaviour help

Re: 18 mo old behaviour help

Choose Another Board

Search Boards