WWYD? NPgALR

jap618 · June 2014

So this has minimal to do with PgAL but I don't know what to do without looking like a huge raging bitch. Help? Ok here's the situation. I'm in a wedding (which as of now is March 7 and I'm likely due March 1) but the bridal shower is November 15 (to avoid travel in the winter in New England). The MOH has booked the venue and done a bunch of stuff already without a budget or talking to anyone about how much money they have/are willing to contribute. Right now it's likely looking like the shower will cost at least $2,000 and she's expecting the 5 of us to split it. The Mother of the Bride has offered to help but the MOH won't ask her how much because "she doesn't have to contribute" (I know but she offered!!!). She's in complete denial about how much money this is going to cost. I've asked if she had a budget and she said no but to expect to spend $500-$600 between shower & bachelorette (which isn't even an accurate amount based on how much she is planning on doing/spending). So here are my questions:

1. How do I bring up that I think it's unfair to the rest of us for her to continue to move forward with planning without setting a budget so we can plan/save?

2. Is this an outlandish amount of money to anyone else?

3. Do I just suck it up & deal with it? I don't know the other bridesmaids well and there's a *hopeful* good chance that I will back out of the wedding party when/if I get to the 2nd tri.

Any and all input is welcome and appreciated! Thanks ladies!

Edit to add: DH is the Best Man and we're looking at another crap load of money for the bachelor party!!!!! AHHH!!!

haleyusf · June 2014

1. How do I bring up that I think it's unfair to the rest of us for her to continue to move forward with planning without setting a budget so we can plan/save? I would make it clear to the bride that while you love her as a friend, you cannot in good conscience commit to being a bridesmaid until you understand how much of a financial and time commitment will be involved. If you're not ready to tell her you're pregnant, just say that you and your DH/partner are saving up for something or under a budget this year. If the bride is unaware of what the MOH is spending, maybe gently hint about the costs so far.

2. Is this an outlandish amount of money to anyone else? Yes. So much money; that doesn't include travel, your dress/shoes/makeup, wedding gift, etc. You're looking at $1500 easy -- that's a years worth of diapers to put it in perspective.

3. Do I just suck it up & deal with it? I don't know the other bridesmaids well and there's a *hopeful* good chance that I will back out of the wedding party when/if I get to the 2nd tri. Honestly, I'd back out. Sounds like she's going overboard and isn't likely to be reigned in easily.

jap618 · June 2014

haleyusf said:

1. How do I bring up that I think it's unfair to the rest of us for her to continue to move forward with planning without setting a budget so we can plan/save? I would make it clear to the bride that while you love her as a friend, you cannot in good conscience commit to being a bridesmaid until you understand how much of a financial and time commitment will be involved. If you're not ready to tell her you're pregnant, just say that you and your DH/partner are saving up for something or under a budget this year. If the bride is unaware of what the MOH is spending, maybe gently hint about the costs so far.
2. Is this an outlandish amount of money to anyone else? Yes. So much money; that doesn't include travel, your dress/shoes/makeup, wedding gift, etc. You're looking at $1500 easy -- that's a years worth of diapers to put it in perspective.
3. Do I just suck it up & deal with it? I don't know the other bridesmaids well and there's a *hopeful* good chance that I will back out of the wedding party when/if I get to the 2nd tri. Honestly, I'd back out. Sounds like she's going overboard and isn't likely to be reigned in easily.

Thank you!! Yes that's not including so much more (and DH is the Best Man). The bride asked me if I wanted to spend $100 on make up & another $25 on fake lashes (the day of). NO!! This is getting out of control and it's still 9 months away. I don't know what I'm going to do but thank you for the response!!

jap618 · June 2014

Happyin14 said:

I would tell the MOH instead of the bride. I doubt the bride knows... And she would feel badly about something she can't do anything about. Just let the MOH know you are on a budget, want to participate but need to do so responsibly.

I have been in weddings before where other bridesmaids could afford more and some could do less. We all adjusted in those instances... I also think it is not tacky or rude or anything like that to bring up cost. It's a very normal and expected question.

Ask her if there are things you can do to bring cost down (bake dessert, make favors, etc.). Trade muscle power for money. Even if she doesn't take you up on it, she will take the hint.

Yeah this is already getting out of control! I've offered some "deals" like Sam's Club for invitations (they are adorable and cheap!) and making desserts rather than paying for the restaurants dessert trays (that are boring). She's oblivious. I'll keep offering though!

jap618 · June 2014

Hawkward said:

Holy shit that's an outrageous amount to commit to for a bridal shower and bachelorette party, especially without your input to where your money is going. I would approach the moh and let her know you're on more of a budget.

I'm so happy I'm not crazy in thinking this is ridiculous!! Thank you!

taberbtb · June 2014

I think I would probably bring the costs and such up with the MOH versus the bride as she may be unaware of the costs. I would probably tell the MOH what my budget would allow and wouldn't feel obligated to tell her why or feel bad if she couldn't understand why I wasn't willing to spend more. If the bride is a true friend she will just be glad to have you share in her day and won't care how much each individual contributes along the way.

peggels24 · June 2014

I think you should definitely say something but I wanted to give my support in saying something to the MOH and not the bride. It is not fair to the bride to bring her into disputes in the bridal party. As someone else mentioned, it just makes her feel guilt.

rmpar29 · June 2014

I concur with PPs that I would talk to the MOH and tell her how much I am willing and able to contribute. I would also try tell her that I have ideas on how to keep costs down if she's willing to hear them, but if not, then it's on her. She definitely doesn't need to know the reasons behind it, but I would just say that things are tight right now and leave it at that.

Good luck! And I agree, that's a huge amount of money to spend without getting any input (or commitment) from the other bridesmaids.

carlsonbaby2014 · June 2014

Wow. PPs have great advice. The only thing I might add is to sit down with YH and talk about how much you're both willing to contribute financially to this shindig. Since the MOH doesn't seem to know her budget I would come back to her with what you think is a reasonable/ realistic amount for you to contribute. Giving her some context might help her realize what parameters people are comfortable with. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she just isn't able to easily see how the numbers play out kwim? If you know another bridesmaid you might even discuss with her about a plan to present to the MOH in a gentle way (just be clear about expectations and communication) because there is power in numbers.

jap618 · June 2014

Thanks everyone! I sent a message to the MOH last night and she responded that she is horrible with budgets but won't be expecting more than $250 from the bridesmaids for the shower. Still a lot but much more doable than the $500 I was anticipating!!

carlsonbaby2014 · June 2014

jap618 said:

Thanks everyone! I sent a message to the MOH last night and she responded that she is horrible with budgets but won't be expecting more than $250 from the bridesmaids for the shower. Still a lot but much more doable than the $500 I was anticipating!!

Awesome news! So glad it worked out and that it's something you're more comfortable with

.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

That is insane. My bridesmaids only paid for their dresses, shoes, and chipped in to get a hotel room for my bachelorette party. My mom hosted my shower, so I think they brought side dishes to help out with the food part. Weddings that I've been in were similar, I only paid for the bridesmaid dress. I'm from the Midwest though, and I think we don't put as much responsibility on our bridesmaids, especially financially, for this kind of stuff. Honestly if I were you, I'd tell the MOH that she either needs to stick to a budget to be fair to the rest of you, or you're going to have to back out. With a baby on the way, your money is better spent elsewhere.

ETA: Whoops! Missed the good update. Glad you're feeling relieved!

jap618 · June 2014

noonandj04 said:

That is insane. My bridesmaids only paid for their dresses, shoes, and chipped in to get a hotel room for my bachelorette party. My mom hosted my shower, so I think they brought side dishes to help out with the food part. Weddings that I've been in were similar, I only paid for the bridesmaid dress. I'm from the Midwest though, and I think we don't put as much responsibility on our bridesmaids, especially financially, for this kind of stuff. Honestly if I were you, I'd tell the MOH that she either needs to stick to a budget to be fair to the rest of you, or you're going to have to back out. With a baby on the way, your money is better spent elsewhere.

ETA: Whoops! Missed the good update. Glad you're feeling relieved!

I definitely agree with you. This is the most I've ever been basically required to spend for a wedding (and I've been the MOH in 2!!!). I've never had to do more than maybe $100 towards the shower, dress, shoes, maybe hair/make-up, travel and then bachelorette expenses (dinner, drinks, etc.). This whole wedding is getting out of control early. Oh well at least she gave me a number.

jap618 · June 2014

Qfrump said:

jap618 said:

Thanks everyone! I sent a message to the MOH last night and she responded that she is horrible with budgets but won't be expecting more than $250 from the bridesmaids for the shower. Still a lot but much more doable than the $500 I was anticipating!!

That's still expensive.....

I'm glad you talked to MOH and she wasn't all:

Right!! The crazy part is SHE ISN'T!! She is a single mother living with her parents!! This is blowing my mind.

Want a personalized experience?

WWYD? NPgALR

Re: WWYD? NPgALR

Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Want a personalized experience?

WWYD? NPgALR

Re: WWYD? NPgALR

Began trying for a baby January 2012BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

Began trying for a baby January 2012BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014