BD wants to pay $0 Lots of deets :/

filxoxo · June 2014

A lot of this may be TMI but I want y'all to know the situation to get the best advice

Hi everyone! I posted the other day about going to court for CS modification and what documents to bring. Thanks for the responses. Court was Friday and all they did was assign a new court date for next month (frustrating!)

Anyways, the judge asked BD and I to come to our own agreement on the amount of child support that we would deem to be fit. BD would, of course, like to pay nothing. He sent me a detailed email of all his expenses and paychecks and even if he did pay $0 CS, his expenses would still be $200-300 more than what he makes a month. He has no car payments and his rent is next to nothing because he lives at his grandparent's owned home.

I'm in a bind. I don't want my daughter to be lacking when she goes to see him. Currently he has her every weekend (Sat-Mon, which we decided we could do until she starts attending school next year because he lives 3 hours away).

(Please don't judge me on what I'm about to say, I'm sure some of you have been there.) I am very nervous about sharing my paystubs, W2, and expenses as I am a server and a portion of my income is not claimed on my taxes. My expenses match what I really do make. But with the CS I do receive, I am able to pay all of my expenses usually to a T where I come out even at the end of the month.

What would you do? Would you agree to receive no child support? Would you suggest your child cuts back to every other weekend so his expenses for the child would be cheaper at his home and it would be easier for him to get a second job? Suggest he moves in with his parents (which I've done)? Any other suggests would be great also! Please.

Thanks!

filxoxo · June 2014

I know. I want to believe that isn't what will happen. But he literally can not afford anything. His duties and responsibilities are well established and cemented into his head. But it still doesn't change his financial situation, you know?

So I don't know what to do. I feel guilty and awful imagining my DD going with her father and not having healthy food or basically going without things because he can't even afford his own bills let alone necessities/ extra things for her.

MinnesotaMomma91 · June 2014

Then HE needs to figure it out. He is your ex, he is not your responsiblity. Your child is. Ultimitley it is up to you, i cant tell you what to do but it is his.problem if he is living outside of his means.

Also, if i were you id be asking for a spread sheet of his expenses if he really wanta to go without paying child support and if he really cant financially support his child you and him need to.have a very candid very real talk about his time with her and your worries about your lo going without.

tig594 · June 2014

He created a child with you. He should be held responsible for helping support his kid. It's not about you or him. It's about your child and your child deserves his support. It's not your problem that he's living beyond his means. So you balance out to the last penny each month. What happens when you or your LO get sick? Can you afford to take your LO on outings even if they aren't very expensive? What will you do if your car breaks down? At some point, your LO will want to sign up for activities that will cost you. The state usually has guidelines they go by when calculating child support. If he can't afford it that's his problem. Stop feeling sorry for this dude and make him man up and grow a pair.

Unknown · June 2014

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freeatlast2014 · June 2014

He can do what many other men in the world do - get a second job. every weekend seems a bit excessive to me but if that works for you two then keep at it. But him having less overnights, in my state, would entitle you to even more money. Don't let him manipulate you. He is a young capable man that needs to figure out how to meet his responsibilities. I would definitely NOT agree to nothing. What kind of message would that send? Then he has another kid that he financially supports while your DD goes without? No fucking way.

filxoxo · June 2014

Thanks for helping me feel like less awful of a person, everyone! I'm constantly being told by BD I'm the most selfish person and all I care about is money and blah blah blah. He claims he pays for 150% of her needs (CS is $320 a month including back support).

I know it isn't fair for me to have to pay for everything but I dread the weekends because I worry about the power getting turned off if he doesn't pay the bills or DD just being fed fast food to save money. It was a battle between us to even let her go every weekend, I preferred every other or just one overnight every weekend. But I really think his main motive is to have her more so the court will lower his CS.

I know I'm being nice and maybe getting walked on a little. But what is the best solution?? If I stand firm I'll have to deal with him begging, pleading, and CRYING to me about having to struggle every day. It's emotionally draining on me, too, and then he starts to take blows at my character.

I'm thinking about just getting a lawyer. Which I can't really afford. And it will make BD hate me while our relationship is pretty good.

filxoxo · June 2014

Ugh. I don't want to be a fool in this. I just want to do the RIGHT thing. Whatever that is. Either way I feel like someone is getting the shaft.

freeatlast2014 · June 2014

Get a lawyer. Go try for free legal aid. With what you said your income is you should qualify I would think. Most men, unfortunately, do want more overnights to lower their support. However, once the court decides, get it garnished and then NEVER discuss money with him at all ever. There is no need to. I can't wait on when we finally settle so I can have it done automatically instead of dealing with that uncomfortable conversation and then figuring out how to pick up my check (I have a permanent PO). He is working you - think about your LO and ignore the rest.
As for food for your LO, you really can't control what he is going to feed her. However, you can do everything in your power to make sure 22 days per month she has a well balanced healthy meal and those 8 days whatever happens happens. I'm constantly working on this myself.

filxoxo · June 2014

MrsLynnyD said:

Get a lawyer. Go try for free legal aid. With what you said your income is you should qualify I would think. Most men, unfortunately, do want more overnights to lower their support. However, once the court decides, get it garnished and then NEVER discuss money with him at all ever. There is no need to. I can't wait on when we finally settle so I can have it done automatically instead of dealing with that uncomfortable conversation and then figuring out how to pick up my check (I have a permanent PO). He is working you - think about your LO and ignore the rest. As for food for your LO, you really can't control what he is going to feed her. However, you can do everything in your power to make sure 22 days per month she has a well balanced healthy meal and those 8 days whatever happens happens. I'm constantly working on this myself.

Sorry you're having to deal with the issue as well. I feel like this is going to be a lot of going in and out of court for the next 16 years. He wants to temporarily modify CS in the least so that sounds like a lot of back and forth and multiple modifications. Especially when/if he gets a second job. And he wants to move in a couple years so thats another court trip to modify with a new job.

And there is no agreement between us about schooling costs or daycare (she doesn't currently attend but I want to her/need her to in the fall). Hopefully that gets worked out, too...

I'm just constantly worrying. It's just a mother thing I guess!! But you're right! Those days I have her with me I know she is eating nutritiously and deliciously

tig594 · June 2014

You don't have to worry about any of this stuff. Get a lawyer and let the court work it out. I don't know about your state, but in Michigan there is no going back and forth about support all the time. Once the judge sets the support amount you have to have a DAMN good reason to request they recalculate outside of the every 3 year rule.

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