Say Wha...? (SIL/questionable parenting)

Rosebean · June 2014

Is it just me or does this make zero sense?

DS went to Calgary with his dad last week to see his auntie and his cousins.

When they returned, DH told me about their trip, then told me about something funny that his sister did. Her son is about 14 months older than DS... so he's into the MINE stage. No problem, because I get it and I know we will be there too one day. (which, BTW, totally drives me crazy when adults take something away from my kid and say "Mine" to him and then laugh like it's funny... thanks for teaching him that. He needs to learn THAT!)

Anywho, every time his cousin would take something away from him and say MINE, SIL would tell him "You can't take away a toy from B unless you give him something ELSE back"

Say Whaaaaa....?

To me, that's like teaching the kid that if he takes a $100 bill from someone, that it's okay to give them back a marker. I thought it was supposed to be "if you take it away from him before he is done with it or it is your turn, then you have to give IT back"... like, the same thing.... ?

I would love to have you ladies weigh in on this... apparently, DH said that BIL would tell the kid to give back what he took, so IMO, BIL had it right.

DublinMama · June 2014

So, if I understand it correctly, the cousin took a toy away from your LO, and the SIL said that if he was going to take away the toy he had to give yours something else to play with?

If that's the case, it sounds a lot like my FFC so my feelings are in there lol. If my toddler took something away from another, I would expect him to give that specific toy back right then, and I would give MY kid something else to play with until the other was done with the toy or moved onto something else.

downtown80 · June 2014

As a mom of two kids, I understand both situations. There are times that I want my older child to know that she doesn't need THAT toy right now, that she needs to give it back to her brother...and she can play with it when he's done.

Yet, there are times that my son will be playing with an item that is what I call a "no-share" item (like my daughter's blankie or favorite doll). In those instances, I will tell my daughter to go get another blanket or stuffed animal to give to her brother.

BabyMayinMarch · June 2014

K so I don't have much to say on the topic, but it made me smile that they were in Calgary! I feel like on the boards everyone is from the states!

tamarar5 · June 2014

I understand both points. SIL is doing the trade thing, but it's not working in this stage of her kids development. Trade is a great tool when babies are really little, but by now, sharing goes both ways and kids need to learn to let others have turns playing uninterrupted. So, I side with you. And SIL isnt wrong, but she isn't right either.

tamarar5 · June 2014

Vero used better words to explain what I said.

wifeofadam · June 2014

I'm on team it's OK to do with little kids. As long as DD2 doesn't care that the older kid has taken the item, I'm fine with the older kids doing it. They know to give her something else in its place and it's no big deal. But they also know that if the baby gets upset and acts like she wants it back, they have to give it back and play with something else.

holly321 · June 2014

I told dd to replace what she took from ds when he was younger. Now that he cares, it isn't allowed anymore. It helped her learn to share, in a stepping stone sort of way. She was used to everything being fair game, so I personally think it helps them learn to share.

And like pp said, if it is something special, or a block when she is building, we still do have her replace what she took. But, we are more pushing for her to tell us when he has something.

Rosebean · June 2014

@verovladmir See, I get where this is going. You and a lot of other PPs have made great points about how it makes sense, especially when the kid who is having the toy taken away from them is too little to care or has a short attention span, that it's really NBD... or if the toy is particularly theirs and they are taking it back. I think I see this coming in my future with having 2u2 coming up.

From what I understand, once the toy was taken away from DS, he didn't want it back. But then DH said he could tell he was getting discouraged over the whole thing. So it was having an impact of sorts.

From a "take one, give another" perspective... it's a really hard position for me to judge this as 1) I wasn't there... I just got the coles notes on it and I could tell it irked DH that she was going this way about it and 2) DS was in their house with all of their toys and really, their kids HAD to share everything with him. Personally, if it were my house and they came over and DS had toys that he didn't like sharing... I would probably put them all in to his room closet and close them off so that his cousins had no access to them, then it would hopefully be a non-issue. It would be hard for him to have his favorites packed away for a couple of days, but at an older age, I know that it would be easier for him to go play in his room when he wanted to play with them without having them taken away... in theory...

Gah! I am sorry, but I love the simplicity of my 16 month old. Kudos to all you mamas of older children. It's going to be fun when we get there

I have friends with 2-3 year olds and they have stolen toys from DS, but I have always seen them talk their kids into giving back what they took, so I thought my SIL was playing favoritisms with her LO.

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