Fears as a new working mom...

BROOKE68L · June 2014

I am currently five months pregnant with my first child, and I plan to go back to work after I deliver. However, I am having a lot of fears as a new mom, especially going back to work and leaving him with family and/or daycare. Have any other moms went through this? I keep thinking that he won't know who his mother is because I work full time and I will only get a few hours with him before he goes to bed. I also don't know how I'm going to manage my time with keeping in good shape, working full time, and taking on full time mother responsibilities all while having dinner on the table and a clean home every day. I'm also fearful that I'll be exhausted and won't wake up to him crying at night. I'm not sure what to do to reassure myself that everything will be okay, and I'm concerned that I won't manage things as I plan to. Working is a priority for me, but when it comes down to it, my child will always be number one. Any advice or suggestions???

ASmallWonder · June 2014

Let me ask you this - do you worry that your baby won't know his dad because his dad works? I almost guarantee you've never given it a thought. Moms have this tendency to feel like they are SUPPOSED to be home and that anything less is going to be bad. So many of us on this board will tell you how untrue that is

All our kids know and love us - promise.

Don't think you have to master everything right off the bat. Maybe you only walk for a bit for exercise. Maybe you learn to love some new crockpot meals or leftovers so that you're not trying to cook every night. Make sure you talk with your partner about sharing all the responsibilities. If baby is awake, everyone should be working at something. Someone is bathing? The other one is washing bottles - stuff like that. It gets easier when you find your groove.

TheBorg7of9 · June 2014

This question should be a sticky too.

I am a second time mom. Something that makes it much easier this time around is realizing how quickly the first year goes and how much easier it will be when he can eat regular food and I don't have to pump.

Jenny952 · June 2014

Yes, of course I went through that, figuring out how I was going to balance it all. In short, I still have no clue what the hell I'm doing! But that's ok! I go to the gym when I can, but I try to be active and get outside to take walks. I make dinner when I can, but sometimes we do take-out or a box of noodles and jar sauce. Some nights I do a full-blown pinterest recipe. My daughter sure as hell knows who I am and is so excited to see me at the end of the day. I'm her mommy and no amount of work will change that.

From your post, I'm picking up a vibe that maybe you have people in your life (a husband, mom or girlfriends) who have an expectation of moms to get back into shape within a few week, always have dinner on the table and keep a perfect house. Is that where this is coming from? What do YOU want? If you want a career and have a family, yes, both can be done. You also have to realize that there will likely be trade-offs, and that's where you and your SO have to work together to figure out your new normal. My DH definitely does his fair share around here with picking up DD, making dinner, doing housework, so it doesn't all fall to me. You'll get it figured out, just be patient with yourself while you're going through this transition.

mlee116 · June 2014

Your fears are completely normal and healthy, IMO. I did my fair share of worrying over the same things as you. I remember being at the end of my pregnancy with DS and crying because I knew I would have to go back to work and leave him at daycare.

But once I started back, it went a lot better than I expected. Like PP's said, we fell into our routine quickly and it all worked out. The first year was the hardest because DS was an awful sleeper and I pumped, but even so, we managed just fine. I'm pg with #2 and some of my same worries are coming back. I just think it comes with the territory of transitions and the unknown.

For me, having support was critical. DH helped tremendously with caring for DS and housework. I've never felt like my son doesn't know who I am. He knows I am mama and when he's sick, tired or wants a cuddle, I'm still #1. I made spending time with him a priority, even if laundry was piling up and my house was in shambles. It's all about priorities and some things may have to fall by the wayside for a little while. I have friends who SAH and I honestly don't think they are any closer or have a better relationship with their kids than I do with DS.

momofcatan · June 2014

We all do it (except maybe the clean houses part, most of us can tell you that just needs to slide). You can to. Its not magic, you will find your groove and it will work.

ASmallWonder · June 2014

@kdc2007 I made an assumption (which I probably shouldn't do). Seriously though, it applies to any loving family member. My older son is just obsessed with my ILs and they live 2.5 hours away and we see them like, once a month on average. Both boys know them and adore them because know who loves them

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

Sounds like a lot of anxiety to carry around. Are you doing any childbirth classes? The hypnobirth course has a lot of tools for relaxation, positive visualization, and the like that might help you with the overall sense of anxiety you're feeling.

To the specific issues you raise:

Your baby will absolutely know you are Mommy. There is no replacement. And you'll get more than couple hours a day with the baby - an hour or two in the morning, a few more in the evening, and the time spent awake in the middle of the night 100% counts. So does commute time. I had 5-7 hrs/day of awake time with baby.

Staying in shape - every one has a slightly different approach to this, but I find it's easier to control diet than clock in at the gym. So walking & eating well are the cornerstones of my fitness. I fit in toning exercises as I can. My DD actually thinks it's really funny to mimic me while I do yoga in the living room, so you find your ways.

House won't be as clean, most likely. That's okay, but you'll be amazed at how much laundry you can do in a given week. Dinner on the table - I find that requires an active divide & conquer strategy between me & DH. Waking up to hear the baby at night - your brain is wired to do that, even when you don't want to; I've slept through fire alarms before but can't sleep through my baby's cries. Men don't seem to have the same wiring, so taking turns at night isn't as easy as it is with laundry & dinner.

What you will find once baby's actually here is that there are all these other sweet moments that overwhelm your new normal. Sure, the house isn't tidy, dinner isn't made from scratch, but you'll probably forget all about it when you hear your baby laugh for the first time.

2goingon3 · June 2014

Agree with all if this! 3rd time mom here, pretty demanding job, you just adjust your routine to get things done, and you let your standards slide a little during the work week! I had started getting up at 5 instead of 6, so I could make dinner in the morning for that evening's meal, get some cleaning done, then shower and get ready before the kids got up. That gave me breakfast with them, uninterrupted! Then in the evening, same thing, we'd have family time without worrying about chores, food, whatever. We could do activities, go for walks, take them to soccer, etc. Then after they went to bed at 8pm, all I had to do was make lunches for the next day and then spend a couple hours with DH, working out, or whatever.

I also found that switching my exercise to something social was waaaaaay better than trying to cram in a gym membership. More incentive to go if there were friends to do it with! I joined a soccer team myself, signed up for hot yoga with a friend, that kind of thing. And if you're feeling pressure to bounce back to pre-baby weight, news flash, your body just won't be the same, so love yourself for all that you've been through!

You will NOT be perfect. Learn to live with this and let the rest of it go. Once in a while, the laundry will pile up, the house will become a disaster, the kids will miss a bath, and wine might just become your best friend. And, if you get pregnant again, throw everything I just said out the window, because you'll be too tired to be organized, so chicken strips and fries and baby carrots will be your go to dinner because it takes zero prep and 20 minutes to cook.

dashofreality · June 2014

Everyone gave you great advice. You mentioned priorities, and prioritizing will be key. My priorities are my family and then work. Things like dinner, exercise and a clean house are not. That being said, I get dinner on the table almost every night, I am 35 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight, and well umm the house isn't great, but it gets clean every 3 weeks by our maid.

You will find a groove. The first year is tough. Not always the entire thing, but once you are past it you will be like wow that was tough, things are a lot easier now. You will also be surprised at how much you can get done. I now look back at my pre-child days and wonder what in the world I was wasting all my time on. Oh and I'm a ridiculously sound sleeper and you will here your baby, I promise. Don't be afraid to ask for help though, it can get overwhelming if you are trying to do it all.

BROOKE68L · June 2014

Thank you all so much. Sometimes I feel like I am expected to be superwoman and I also hold high expectations of myself. You've all given great advice and I will take it all into consideration.

MommyAtty · June 2014

BROOKE68L said:

Thank you all so much. Sometimes I feel like I am expected to be superwoman and I also hold high expectations of myself. You've all given great advice and I will take it all into consideration.

That's because you are expected to be superwoman! But here's the thing: No one is allowed to judge you. And if they do, you have the inalienable right to ignore them and/or to flip them the bird when they aren't looking.

*sparky* · June 2014

As the others said, adjust your expectations, don't expect to be superwoman and engage your SO (assuming they are in the picture). Not everything should fall on your shoulders alone. When I had my DS I hired a housekeeper and we hired a lawn service. We adjusted our expectations of dinner and a clean house. I put my hair in a ponytail more days than not.

My DS is now 8 and I am happy to be a working mom. He is happy, well adjusted and has never once questioned whether I was his mom or whether I am there for him whenever he needs me. There will be many nights of teething, sickness, etc. when you will be the one lying with your LO. There are evenings and weekends and vacations. There are the clothes you lay out, lunches you pack, directions you give the DCP.

It is hard to leave them at first but you do the best you can to get through the tough days and they get better.

Want a personalized experience?

Fears as a new working mom...

Re: Fears as a new working mom...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards