would you fight this? DH related

fitmom82 · June 2014

DH might have taken off 1 day this year, although it may have been last year, but he's probably taken 2-3 days in the 4 years we've had kids for them being sick. I probably take 4-5 a year, both of my parents have taken a few days, and his parents have taken atleast as many as he has. I hate asking my parents when he hasn't taken the days. This summer his friend is having a 2 night bachelor party. Originally he said he'd do 1 night, so leave after work on Friday, now he's talking about doing the 2, meaning taking off Friday. It's his birthday so he was going to take off anyway and we were going to do something as a family, but we'll have to do that another time. I didn't want him doing 2 nights because of the money, then my dad joking brought up how why can he take off to go to a bachelor party but not his kids being sick. He's right and it really does piss me off. If it doesn't end up costing much, I don't mind him taking off for that, but it's not right that he hasn't taken off for the kids but will for that. How much would this annoy you?

welly01 · June 2014

This would annoy me a lot. I have slightly more PTO than DH, but we still alternate sick days with DS. It is usually an equal split. We both have PTO/sick time available and we are both parents. We share in the responsibility for staying home with sick kids equally.

We make minor adjustments if one of us has a meeting or busy at work that week but it is still understood that we are both expected to take time off.

I might let him go to the bachelor party (mostly because its his birthday) but when he gets home, I would have a serious conversation with him about his duties as a parent and as your partner.

Does he have significantly less PTO/sick time than you do? That's the only excuse I would accept in this situation.

mae0111 · June 2014

I've had this fight. And it was a FIGHT. For whatever reason, DH never thought he needed to take a day off when we had some kind of childcare conflict. Our DD1 wasn't sick much, but our nanny was sick a TON. Sometimes, it was understandable, like when he started a new job. But other times, he'd just dig in his heels. It was almost as if he felt that his job was way more important than mine.

I explained to him that while my job is more flexible, there are some times that I simply can't just drop everything. If he didn't feel like he could pitch in, then I would have to take a step back in my career. Since we contribute just about equally from a financial standpoint, I think that scared him a bit.

Now, I still to the bulk of the shuffling because I can, but when I ask him to take a day, he'll do it if it's at all possible. And now when he says no, I know that he really can't do it.

Good luck. This isn't fun.

mlee116 · June 2014

I agree with PP's (and your FIL). Taking off for a bachelor party wouldn't bother me, but the fact that he's willing to do that but not stay at home with a sick child would piss me off.

We split sick days. We both have fairly flexible jobs, but there are definitely days when one of us can't miss work, so we work it out. And then when I started the job I have now I needed to build up some PTO, so DH stayed home if DS was sick within the first couple of months. I guess I would be a lot more understanding if he didn't have much PTO.

fitmom82 · June 2014

I'm a teacher and he is a maintenance working in a different school system, so we have about the same amount of sick days. I've explained to him that when I'm out they need to get a sub, my classroom may be trashed when I get back and that sometimes I may need to be giving a test or a review that day. To me, it seems a lot easier for him to take off and wouldn't disrupt so many other people. I don't expect him to take off more than me, but I do expect him to take a day before I ask my parents.

dashofreality · June 2014

I agree with K3AM, I think it is different to have a planned vs unplanned day. My DH gets more vacation time then I do, but he is military so he is supposed to get prior approval for all time off. If he is sick, he is supposed to go in and go to sick call. I do think that it is much harder to take off last minute. I think we have all experienced some level of guilt from having to call out of work.

I think your way bigger issues here are the money, and the fact that you seem to be bringing your parents into your marital problems.

fitmom82 · June 2014

dashofreality said:
I think your way bigger issues here are the money, and the fact that you seem to be bringing your parents into your marital problems.

Actually the money isn't that big of an issue and my dad made a comment to me after DH told him about the bachelor party. If you'd like more information before you make a comment, please ask, but don't tell me what my issues are without knowing anything about my situation.

DiveFrog · June 2014

PrivacyWanted said:

I guess I need more info. I only get 2 weeks a year PTO - no extra sick vs vacation days. So DH almost always is the one to take off because he has unlimited PTO. But I'd hate for that to mean I could never take a planned day for myself. I'd be more upset he is foregoing a planned family day for a bachelor party.

I agree with this. I definitely need more information. DH only gets 10 PTO days a year, and no extra sick/personal time. I get 5 weeks of vacation, plus unlimited sick/personal time. We both ferociously guard his PTO and use it only for true vacation time. He does have some flexibility in the hours/days he works so if necessary he can take time if I absolutely can't, but that means he's making that time up somewhere that pay period, working late/weekends.

I also agree with pp that stated it is much easier to take planned time off, versus unplanned, spur of the moment time due to a child's illness. For DH it is much easier to take planned time when he can get everything, and everyone lined up, and arrange for back-up coverage. Calling off can cause a lot of issues for him at work depending on where things stand with his projects.

As to the bachelor party thing. Honestly,it wouldn't bother me in the least. That said DH doesn't take much time to socialize on his own/with his friends. I mean he probably does it less then 8 times per year. This year he wanted to do a volunteer event with a few of his friends and it fell on Mother's Day weekend. I didn't take issue with it at all, I let him go and have fun.

If he was the type of guy that was getting drinks/playing golf/going to sporting events/taking time for personal hobbies and that was taking up a day a week of his time then I might have a much different reaction to him wanting to cancel a planned family day.

welly01 · June 2014

fitmom82 said:

I'm a teacher and he is a maintenance working in a different school system, so we have about the same amount of sick days. I've explained to him that when I'm out they need to get a sub, my classroom may be trashed when I get back and that sometimes I may need to be giving a test or a review that day. To me, it seems a lot easier for him to take off and wouldn't disrupt so many other people. I don't expect him to take off more than me, but I do expect him to take a day before I ask my parents.

In this case then I would DEFINITELY make him take sick days!! I would think it is way more trouble for you to take a day off than him.

DiveFrog · June 2014

fitmom82 said:

I'm a teacher and he is a maintenance working in a different school system, so we have about the same amount of sick days. I've explained to him that when I'm out they need to get a sub, my classroom may be trashed when I get back and that sometimes I may need to be giving a test or a review that day. To me, it seems a lot easier for him to take off and wouldn't disrupt so many other people. I don't expect him to take off more than me, but I do expect him to take a day before I ask my parents.

So from this it would seem that you taking time off has more of an impact in your job, than his. So at a minimum you should be splitting the days 50/50.

In regards to the parents thing, I assume you mean that you are asking your working parent to burn one of their sick/personal/vacation day to provide care. I say this because my parents are retired and they would never have a problem watching DD for us if it would save us some PTO that we could use for a planned vacation/activity.

shannm · June 2014

First, the bachelor party wouldn't bother me.
As for the sick kid duty, yes, there are times when it makes sense to have one parent carry the load but in your case, it should be 50/50. So I would tell him from now on, you rotate and take turns unless there is a very specific reason. And I wouldn't involve parents unless it is an emergency considering it sounds like your dad views it as a burden.
If your husband gives you grief remind him that it is 2014 and he is a parent.

MickeyM04 · June 2014

This would annoy the crap out of me. DH and I actually just had a similar discussion, minus the bachelor party. We are both lawyers, but his office is a couple of attorneys and mine is 100. My parents also live close. We had a lot of issues with our nanny when we had her so we needed backup childcare about 30 days in 13 months. Then since DS has started DC, he's missed about 3-4 weeks total (thankfully I have been on maternity leave for about 1.5 weeks of that). However, my estimate would be that since DS was born, we have needed backup childcare for a total of about 8 weeks. I would say DH has covered 10 days of that and my mom and I have covered the rest. I have gotten super pissed because basically DH has delegated that I am the one to stay home when DS is sick. Then if I can't, he always asks me to call my mom. Only if me and my mom aren't available does he help out. Basically because he works in a small office, any time he has a deposition or court or a client meeting (which in a small office is 4-5 days a week), he says he can't help out because no one in his office can cover for him since there's only a couple other attorneys. Whereas I work in a big office so it's "easy" for me to find backup. I have told him that now that we are about to have two kids in daycare and twice as many sick days between them, I cannot take off work 75+% of the time. And my mom works from home so while she usually can, I don't like imposing on her when she works 40 hours a week. He seems to think that because she works from home, it's not a real job. DH has said he is going to try to take off more so me and my mom do not jeopardize our jobs by taking off one day a week for a sick child, but we will see how this goes. So yes, I would be furious if DH came home and said he was taking a day off to go to a freaking bachelor party.

ccam · June 2014

I would be pissed, too. I'm usually the one to take sick days with DS, but our situation is much different. DH is self employed; therefore no work = no money. He doesn't have PTO like I do. He is seasonal and home a lot during the winter though, so he gets those days if DS is sick. But the fact that you get the same amount of sick time and you are asking parents before he stays home, that would piss me off. It's not so much the bachelor party, it's the sick time in general.

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

Back up sick care if rough. There are drop-in day cares and back-up nanny services in our area that we can use if daycare is closed for the day, but they generally don't care for sick kids. The back-up nanny could care for a kid with a minor cold, but she's not going to administer medicine & the like. We both have subsidized back up care days through work too, so that's never an issue for us - we could handle a sick nanny or a staff retreat at daycare without much of a disruption.

For those truly sick kid days though, DH & I check our work calendars, see who's is the most flexible and we have at times tag teamed - I head in super early, DH stays home with DD, and then I come home early to free him up for an afternoon meeting, which means we've both taken part of a day off. She also takes an epically long nap when she's sick, so whoever's home with her can actually get a few hours in from home. Our supervisors are both understanding and our kid isn't that sick too often, which is really a blessing considering that we're out here on our own and don't have the grandma back up care option. In OP's situation, I don't know what I would do. It would be a problem for me to be the only one to cover sick days, as few as they are - I need to save up my sick leave for maternity leave.

VOR · June 2014

I need clarity- are your parents actually using THEIR sick time to help you out, or are they retired?

If they are using their time, then uh,uh - that needs to stop. Maybe not entirely, but he needs to step up and start taking on more of the share of using his time when it comes to your kids. Your parents shouldn't have to be calling out of work if your DH is perfectly capable of doing so.

And yes, while I wouldn't stop him from going on the b-party, I absolutely would draw his attention to the unfairness of it. He's willing to take time off for his enjoyment, but not willing to do so when your fmailyi needs it.

fitmom82 · June 2014

yes all of our parents do work, his dad works from home as an accountant and my dad is a self-employed electrician, so they have slow days sometimes and actually help out more than our moms because they also work in school systems, either way everyone is taking time away from work except for him.

It's not the bachelor party that bothers me which is why I wonder how big a deal to make of this, it's that he's ok taking off to do something fun but not take care of his sick kid. I think part of it might be that he that he feels uncomfortable calling out a few hours before work, but so do I, it's just something that needs to be done sometimes.

MickeyM04 · June 2014

See but why is it okay for me to jeopardize my job? I mean just because I can find someone to cover doesn't mean my bosses don't care if I miss 4 weeks a year of work (which by the way I don't have that much PTO/vacation days). Also I have a billable hour requirement I haven't made since DS was born. That's not going to fly forever. DH doesn't have a billable hour requirement and we have similar time off (I get 5 more days than him total). I also am the primary breadwinner and he's told me so many times I can't go part time or stay at home for awhile because we need my salary. But then as soon as something comes up I'm supposed to be the one to stay home. Meanwhile he never takes all his vacation days, with the exception of this year where he has used 8 already for when I had DD and our vacation, and I'm sure will use the last two days he has by the end of the year. I take all mine and then some every year. Between my mom and me we can always make it work and my employers have been flexible so far but I don't see it being okay permanently if I never make my hours again. This year I get no PTO/vacation because my maternity leave is all paid and yet when DS got sick before I had DD, it was still me and my mom taking off.

I definitely understand the point about back up care but it's a weird situation. Between the three of us we make it work and I just don't know of any options in my area for someone who can watch DS with an hour's notice on random unanticipated days. Plus it's honestly not like we have ever had trouble finding care for him. There hasn't been a day where one of us couldn't stay home. The issue I have is why is DH last on the list every time? Why should we not put his job in jeopardy but mine we could? Why does he not at least take all his days off? Why can't he move a client meeting? It's stuff like that which drives me up the wall. All while he tells me that I can't go to 4 days a week because we need my salary. If my job is that important then I wish he would act like it, you know? Or agree that I can go to 4 days a week and we will cut back and then I will be able to take the day off when DS is sick. The people who are PT in my office don't always take the same day off. I just feel like he's talking out of both sides of his mouth is all.

MickeyM04 · June 2014

Oh and it also comes back to the original point which was that I would be pissed if he's last on the list for childcare but then could take a day for a party no problem. Planned or not it would rub me the wrong way is all. Because it's always been hard for us to take vacations or whatever because his office is small but if he could just like that schedule one for his own personal enjoyment I would flip. We have to plan our vacations a year in advance because of how important he is to his office.

VOR · June 2014

fitmom82 said:

It's not the bachelor party that bothers me which is why I wonder how big a deal to make of this, it's that he's ok taking off to do something fun but not take care of his sick kid. I think part of it might be that he that he feels uncomfortable calling out a few hours before work, but so do I, it's just something that needs to be done sometimes.

When your child is sick, how does it play out? What is the conversation like where it leads you to take off OR contact one of your parents to take off instead of him?

It sounds like you all need to have a talk about this and about what's fair. And yes, you can say "I don't care that you're going on the trip, but it really struck me that you're so quick to use your time to go off and do something fun but you're not willing to use your time to take care of your child. we'd ALL like to do only fun stuff with our time, but as we - you and I - are parents, we don't always have the luxury."

And then talk about what YOU need out of this. What would be fair to you? What's fair to your parents? I'll say this - my parents are retired. As such, I know that if I really needed their help, they'd be glad to step in and help. EVen with that, I absolutley don't turn to them every time. I take my lumps, but the occasional times that it's truly HARD for me to take off, I will ask them.

So, in turn, if each of your dads are truly willing to step in when it's a slow time for them, then great. If they really don't mind, I see nothing wrong with using them as a resource. But - when they can't help, your DH needs to be more willing to be the one to call in instead of you.

No matter what, you need to open a dialog w/ your DH about this.

MickeyM04 · June 2014

Thanks @PrivacyWanted‌, I'll look into that!

MickeyM04 · June 2014

No no @K3am‌ I know you weren't. But it would be nice if DH didn't think it IS my responsibility to stay home when they are sick. "Can't you get someone to cover court?" "Can't you ask the partner to take the dep?" "Can't you call your mom?" Why is it only my issue to make sure someone is here with DS? KWIM?

bunny731 · June 2014

IMO there is no fight. Time for play in necessary. So is taking on sick watch. The first doesn't seem excessive, the second item needs a little work. Address the sick time, leave the playtime out of it. After he has had the weekend, discuss it. 50/50 is great, but honestly if you get him on more willingly it is a win. Start small and build on that. If all else fails, although not ideal, maybe paid backup care will take out the scorecard.

Jen0204 · June 2014

I don't think it's fair to compare the two situations. It's much easier to take planned time off than it is to take an unexpected day for a sick kid, so for anyone it makes sense that it's easier to take planned PTO. Personally I wouldn't even touch the bachelor party because IMO you have a legitimate reason to be annoyed and bringing the bachelor party into it is kind of irrelevant (because if I was him I would just respond "it's easier to take time off when it's planned"). If money isn't an issue I wouldn't fight the bachelor party thing, but I would have a serious discussion about how you handle it when the kids are sick.

Also, when your H told your dad about the bachelor party he should have made the comment to your H. Maybe that will make him realize how this looks to the people who are helping you guys out.

djm31012 · June 2014

amy052006 said:

OK -- the bachelor party thing would in no way bother me.

What would piss me off is assuming everything else is equal, he didn't share the burden of sick days. Some people can't. Maybe they don't have PTO. Or in our situation, part of the reason i work part time is because my flexibility makes up for the fact that on some rare instances DH just can't be flexible.

But all things be equal, well, it wopuld have never gotten to this point in my house in the first place. So yeah, i would be pissed.

i have to agree with this. Another thing I would consider is, how easy is it for you to work vs home from him? I have no option to work from home...if DS is sick and i take off, its a day off. DH can work from home, so while hes not as productive...he can get some things done from home while DS is sleeping,etc.

sugarbear0524 · June 2014

Fair or not, my DH's career comes first. He is the breadwinner. I take all the sick days I can, and my MIL helps out too.

shannm · June 2014

sugarbear0524 said:
Fair or not, my DH's career comes first. He is the breadwinner. I take all the sick days I can, and my MIL helps out too.

It is fair if everyone agrees that this is the way it should be. For the OP, it is not fair because he is not the sole bread winner and he is the only one that agrees that he doesn't need to take off.

Maybride2 · June 2014

We try to alternate sick days. We also take into account who can get out of work easier that particular day. It's not 50/50, I think I end up using more of my precious PTO time for sick kids than he does. But he TRIES. He doesn't shrug off all responsibility. Frankly, I would be pissed if my husband was doing what your husband is. Because I'm guessing that since you're using all of your PTO time for sick kids, you probably don't have much left to just take a few days to go play and party. Why does he get to save up his time off for fun while you use yours for sick kids? Of course it's easier to take planned time off than it is unplanned - that's true for everyone. Why does that get to be his special excuse?

mae0111 · June 2014

I have found that there is a difference in our perception of things that can't be missed. DH and I had planned time off to attend DD1's pre-k graduation. He later decided that he couldn't miss the 2hours of work needed to attend the event because he would have had to reschedule an update meeting with one of his staff. I was like WTH? Move the meeting!! It wasn't with a client - it was a standing weekly meeting with a staff member. So while he's been better about it, I sometimes have to take his ZOMG panic I CAN'T MISS with a tiny grain of salt.

VOR · June 2014

shannm said:

Fair or not, my DH's career comes first. He is the breadwinner. I take all the sick days I can, and my MIL helps out too.
It is fair if everyone agrees that this is the way it should be. For the OP, it is not fair because he is not the sole bread winner and he is the only one that agrees that he doesn't need to take off.

This. We have a weird schedule because DH works 2 weeks on/ 2 off. If DS gets sick when DH is working? I HAVE to take off or get help from my parents. No choice. But the weeks he's off? It's all on him. But - as said it's about what works for your family. What is going on w/ the OP DOESN'T work for her - so it's a problem.

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