How can I help??

LisaLisa1980 · June 2014

Hi, I hope I can post this here... my SIL & BIL lost their baby after he was born yesterday morning. We are all devastated, I mean there are just no words to explain this. their world just flipped upside down. I've been crying for them all day trying to understand it all. We don't know the reason it happened yet. They've been able to hold him and such in the meantime though. Is there ANYTHING I can do to help??? what can I offer??? they are surrounded by family and tons of friends. Should I start making frozen meals? care package??? Is it ok if I cry in front of them?? or stay strong? I don't know what to do.. I've never experienced this before. I would love nothing more than to take away their pain. It's just awful. I'm trying to stay strong for the family.. it's just hard.. how cruel and unfair...

dmizak · June 2014

I'm so sorry about your nephew. Nothing you can say will make them feel better, just an I'm sorry and it sucks. As far as doing anything, just do it. Don't ask when you can make them dinner, just bring it. Don't stay long, just drop it off. I never wanted to ask someone to bring me dinner, but it is nice to not to have to worry about it. Cry! Don't worry about crying in front of them. You're hurting too! Just don't try to explain it away or fix it. Just listen and sympathize. You're so sweet to ask. Those are my suggestions.

ikrystal · June 2014

I am so sorry. I think it is great that you are trying to figure out how to help them. For everyone, it is different. My husband wanted to be surrounded by people. I needed my space. But we always needed food, because the last thing we were going to do was cook or go out and otherwise we would have starved. Cry in front of them when you feel like crying. I always thought it was weird when people were stone faced around us. Listen to them. Don't compare their loss to anything and avoid the words "I understand how you feel." Sometimes just being present is the best. Don't avoid the subject. Sometimes people want to talk about their babies all the time, which is normal and healthy. And, for the long haul - always remember your nephew. Incorporate him in family events somehow. Let them know you will never forget him.

shandorfml2 · June 2014

I am so sorry. Cook meals, clean up, mention their child's name and remember him at holidays and anniversaries. Its ok to cry! It shows you care and are grieving. Nithing is worse for a grieving mother than silence and lack of acknowledgement

Carolee · June 2014

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. This blog was created by a Loss Mama from this board...it has a lot of helpful information. https://thelossblog.blogspot.com/

VyD81 · June 2014

*siggy warning*

I'm sorry for the loss of your nephew.

stefuge · June 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. The other ladies have given good advice - make meals, help with errands, be there if it helps or step away if they want more space. I always say that all I wanted to hear from people was "I'm sorry. I love you. I am here for you." And other than that, just listen. Also, being there for the future - asking about them, remembering their baby on holidays and special days, saying their baby's name - that can mean everything. Again, I am so sorry your family has suffered such a loss. ((Hugs))

LisaLisa1980 · June 2014

Thank you ladies for all your feedback & sympathies. Any kind of meals in particular? Anything to avoid? I was thinking chilli, lasagne, choc chip cookies, apple crisp

erinel · June 2014

I like the other suggestions above, the biggest help we got was just done for us, without us asking.

I would just bring over something easy to heat up that they like. We had quite a few PB&J sandwiches and sweets because little else appealed to us at the time.

mumel16 · June 2014

I agree with previous posts about not asking what they need. My husband and I have a hard time asking for help, but we needed it. The most helpful things were those that just happened.

For example, a friend used the meal train website (www.mealtrain.com) so people could sign up to bring us dinner. The best part was that a friend put a cooler on the front porch and provided instructions on the web site. The person bringing the meal was to ring the doorbell once, if there was no answer they were to leave dinner in the cooler. It has been amazing. Sometimes we answer the door and thank the person bringing the meal, sometimes we're having a hard day and pretend not to be home.

Friends also planned a post-funeral reception for us. They emailed and just told us it was taken care of and where it was. They didn't ask what sort of food or drinks we wanted, what time, nothing. They just waited until funeral arrangements were made and then planned the date and time accordingly. We appreciated it so much, we just didn't have the mental strength to have been able to do it on our own.

Just remember that in everything you do, it's about them and their baby. Tell them how much you love your nephew and always will. And in a couple of months, send a card to let them know you are still there for support.

bunnybun4 · June 2014

you are a sweet sil...you have gotten excellent advice from pp's. I think it is ok to cry in front of them...it shows that their baby is real and that you mourn for him/her too. Like pp's have said, say the child's name, remember them at holidays/birthdays.

Bring food, offer to do the grocery shopping/clean the house, etc. all of these things can be a big help but be specific when you offer to help.

LisaLisa1980 · June 2014

Thank you for all your kind words & advice!! You've been very helpful! Love the meal train website!!

BoraBoraBaby · June 2014

~~ticker warning~~

You are so loving to want to help in the most careful way. Just keep checking in on them. It's been 10 days since my baby girl passed and so much of the initial support has worn off. I can only imagine that in time I won't hear much of anything except from close family.

People don't want to bother you. But for me, the more texts messages I have to respond to, the more occupied I am. Distraction is good. So sorry for their loss. My heart aches for them. I had time to prepare, this is so unexpected and completely tragic.

angelsnight · June 2014

Ticker warning

First, you're a wonderful SIL for wanting to help them and take away their pain. This is me personally, but in my book crying in front of them is just fine. There is nothing you can do to remind them of their pain, they haven't and won't forget about it, so crying in front of them won't remind them. And for me, it meant so much to see how many people cared and loved my little girl. Grief is a natural emotion, you lost your nephew, you are hurting for your SIL and BIL, I think it is definitely ok to cry.

As far as doing things for them, it's really hard for most people to ask for help, or even say what they need when asked. So my advice is just do it. Make them meals, mow their lawn, tend to their other kids if they have any, make phone calls for them (breaking the news was soooo hard for us, so our family did it for us) like canceling any appointments they can't get to right now, calling their bosses, making funeral arrangements. This last one is hard, but if they are able to tell you what they want it can take a lot of stress off of them. My dad made all of my daughter's funeral arrangements and I was so grateful. I literally do not think I could have picked up the phone and uttered the words.

They may also need some space and privacy, so if that is what they desire, give it to them. But that is what helped us the most, was people who didn't ask, and just did. Also, I'm sure you will since you're so concerned, but acknowledging their son, calling him by name and in the future remembering important days (his birthday, his angelversary, his due date if he was born early) are all very important to loss parents. Again, you won't remind them of these days, they're already on their minds.

Hugs to you and your family.

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