Sick of the daycare speech!

hbrooks88974 · June 2014

VENTING! Sorry for the rant but I am so sick of people slamming daycare. My LO is five months old and will start daycare in August. I am a full time nursing student plus I work. As much as I would love to be with LO every day it just isn't possible. I would love if I had a family member who was retired and could watch her, but I don't. I wish people would stop talking to me about daycare like it's the worst parenting decision I could make.
Ugh!
Okay, end rant.

dglvrk2 · June 2014

You will likely read more positive comments about daycare on this board. I, for one, love my DCP. I'm a firm believer that it takes a community to raise a child. My DCP has been an amazing person in both of my daughters' lives. her assistants are great too.

shannm · June 2014

You should surround yourself with less ignorant and judgemental people.

momofcatan · June 2014

Like PP said you need to be confident in your decision. I'm using an in-home DC so I get lots of side-eyes, but I have had so many people tell me how amazing my DCP is (people who I didn't even think would have heard of her). When people ask me where she is I will often say how I'm so happy I keep hearing very positive feedback from people around the neighbourhood. I stayed home with DD for the first year and I am so excited she is in DC now. She is getting so much more stimulation and social interaction than when she was home with me, and I am getting the break I desperately need.

djm31012 · June 2014

agree with others. you need to be confident in your decision. you know what is best for your LO and right now that is working and giving her a social environment. my son loves daycare and at this point in time we wouldnt have it any other way. people will comment whether you use DC, have a nanny or stay home. you just cant win with everyone!

TheBorg7of9 · June 2014

It's daycare, not a Russian orphanage. Your baby isn't locked in a cage all day. She will be cared for by loving people who have much more experience than you or me or your retired mom! I loved our daycare and the women there really connected with my son and helped me to be a better mom.

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

Who's giving you this speech over & over again? Maybe the fact that you'd love to stay home but can't is what's inviting people to share their opinions with you - that's really the only time I've gotten the smug "sure you could stay home if you really wanted to" crap (I wasn't even a parent yet when generally saying the idea was appealing but I'm the breadwinner so not going to happen - my perspective has since changed).

If you're confident in your decision maybe people will feel less welcome to tell you how awful it is, unless we're talking about your mom or MIL - they'll probably always feel welcome, right?

MommyAtty · June 2014

I do have a retired family member who takes care of my kids. And we could afford for my husband to stay home. With both of those facts, we are putting DD in 3 day a week preschool this fall, at the ripe old age of 2. Why? Because we think the enrichment opportunities she's missing by not being in day care are just too great to pass up any longer. We will do the same with DS, but we may start him at 18 mos.

jf198400 · June 2014

I was just laid off and will be staying home for awhile. Today is my kids last day at daycare and I am literally in tears over it. As much as I want to be home with them, I am so so sad to be leaving this amazing daycare. As hard as it is to put them in daycare, it is such a wonderful thing. My children have learned so much there over the past few years. Don't listen to the daycare haters, my guess is that they have never actually experienced daycare and don't know WTH they are talking about.

ss265 · June 2014

amy052006 said:

hbrooks88974 said:

VENTING! Sorry for the rant but I am so sick of people slamming daycare. My LO is five months old and will start daycare in August. I am a full time nursing student plus I work. As much as I would love to be with LO every day it just isn't possible. I would love if I had a family member who was retired and could watch her, but I don't. I wish people would stop talking to me about daycare like it's the worst parenting decision I could make. Ugh! Okay, end rant.
I am willing to bet it is how you are framing the discussion. Yes, if you tell people you wish you could be home, they might just commiserate with you and are trying to sympathize.

If you are happy and confident in your decision, people sense that. If you are whining or complaining about your lot, people sense that too.

This! The one and only time someone slammed my decision to put DS in DC was when I expressed that I was sad to leave him there (I honestly wasn't sad but felt that it was expected for me to feel sad). I'm sure that there are people around me who don't agree with the decision but they probably sense that I am perfectly comfortable with putting him in DC so they have never voiced anything to me.

SunAndRain · June 2014

Please. I spend a LOT of money on daycare for my child. She hasn't hit 2 and can count to 10, get her own place setting, put on her shoes...the list goes on. Did I teach her these things? Heck no! One day she came out of her room with her shoes all ready on! Who knew??

I parent my child to the best of my ability and that includes exposing her to environments that foster her growth.

I don't feel bad at all for putting my child in daycare. I feel incredibly fortunate that I am able to send her to a school that fosters her growth and development so substantially.

emberlee3 · June 2014

I'm sorry you are getting negative comments. I was nervous about putting DS in daycare because I really had no experience with daycare from my own family. My mom made some negative comments, too. I started to feel like a terrible mom, but I really had no choice.

After a brief adjustment period, everything went very smoothly. I have learned a ton from daycare teachers over the years. And my kids have thrived. Even my now sings the praises of daycare. I am very thankful for the reliability and accountability of daycare. And, like @SunAndRain, I am frequently taken aback by what my children learn. DD knows more nursery rhymes than I do.

daisy662 · June 2014

I was extremely upset that I wasn't able to sah with my kids. Though my husband has a great career, I make three times what he does so it just wouldn't make sense, though we could get by on just his income it would mean living a much different lifestyle, likely not paying for kids college, not retiring as early as he would like, etc etc. now, I will tell you, I could not be a sahm. I would be totally bored. Not bored for lack of stuff to do, but bored by the daily routine of taking care of kids. It's just not for me, I need more. There are certainly positives and negatives to any decision but for me, having my kids in daycare is more positive. I will also tell you that my MIL teaches 2nd grade and swears that the kids who were in daycare you can pick out because they are further along and have more advanced social skills. Again, positives and negatives to either choice and this is a blanket statement not true in all cases... I sometimes find myself justifying my decision to work. Because my husband has several advanced degrees and a fancy title, people assume he makes more than me and wonder why I don't stay home and make comments. It used to bother me, but I finally realized that we made the right decision, which did take some time, and from that day on, I don't get near as many comments and when I do I let them roll off my back cause who the hell are you to know what's best for my family??? You'll be great, you'll get used to it, you'll become more confident and all will be good soon. Give it time and good luck!

Katelobster · June 2014

I agree with "you just can't win". No matter what choice you make, there's always going to be someone who does it differently and is rude enough to make you feel bad for it.

My mother, a retired SLP with 33 years of experience teaching pre-K through 5th grade, watches my daughter. I've gotten crap from a coworker with a kid in daycare about "How is she going to learn?!?" without daycare, and "She's 2 now, aren't you going to put her in 'school' (daycare) so she can learn?".

People suck. Do what you have to do for your family and don't put it up for discussion with people who don't support you. Even if daycare wasn't your first choice, it's what you need to do right now to finish your education and support your family, so embrace it and emphasize the positive. Good luck!

DiveFrog · June 2014

CK2MD said:

MommyAtty said:

I do have a retired family member who takes care of my kids. And we could afford for my husband to stay home. With both of those facts, we are putting DD in 3 day a week preschool this fall, at the ripe old age of 2. Why? Because we think the enrichment opportunities she's missing by not being in day care are just too great to pass up any longer. We will do the same with DS, but we may start him at 18 mos.

We are doing the same after our upcoming move. We will be living near family for the first time, yet will be putting LO in DC 3 days a week for social and educational opportunities. Having family nearby simply means we have the luxury of waiting for a spot in an awesome DC. Even though my MIL and FIL would "absolutely love" to watch LO every day, I want LO's relationship with them to be as fun grandparents, not as daily caregivers.

I hope you realize you just slammed people that use their parents or IL's as full time care here. And also admit you've never lived close to family, or used family as full time care. You are doing the exact same thing people that slam daycare do when they know nothing about daycare.

I absolutely HATE this statement. Being a fun grandparent and being a caregiver are NOT mutually exclusive. I mean you expect ANYONE who watches your child to make the experience fun and that they love and care for your child. Whether that is a DC center teacher, Nanny, family member, In home DC provider, HS/College babysitter.

skibunny59 · June 2014

amy052006 said:

hbrooks88974 said:

VENTING! Sorry for the rant but I am so sick of people slamming daycare. My LO is five months old and will start daycare in August. I am a full time nursing student plus I work. As much as I would love to be with LO every day it just isn't possible. I would love if I had a family member who was retired and could watch her, but I don't. I wish people would stop talking to me about daycare like it's the worst parenting decision I could make. Ugh! Okay, end rant.

I am willing to bet it is how you are framing the discussion. Yes, if you tell people you wish you could be home, they might just commiserate with you and are trying to sympathize.

If you are happy and confident in your decision, people sense that. If you are whining or complaining about your lot, people sense that too.

I agree with this but I also want to add that it's hard for most moms to be happy about returning back to work. Even if you are confident in your decision it's still really hard and I think every mother has a right to complain or whine a bit about having to leave her sweet baby for 8+ hours a day. I had a really hard time going back to work after 6 months home with DD. Sometimes I just wanted to let out my frustration and sadness to people without any judgement.

Russiandea12 · June 2014

People will critize you not matter what you do. You have to be comfortable with your plan. Even though I wanted to return to work, it was a difficult decision to send my son to DC, and it took my a long time to get comfortable with him being there 8+ hours in a day. I love my son's DC and he loves it too. He only goes PT 3 days a week, so I feel we have a good balance between home life and DC. My SIL was SAHM for my nieces are they are no where near as socialable and well adjusted as my son, who has attended DC since he was 12 weeks old.

Katelobster · June 2014

K3am said:

Russiandea12 said:

People will critize you not matter what you do. You have to be comfortable with your plan. Even though I wanted to return to work, it was a difficult decision to send my son to DC, and it took my a long time to get comfortable with him being there 8+ hours in a day. I love my son's DC and he loves it too. He only goes PT 3 days a week, so I feel we have a good balance between home life and DC. My SIL was SAHM for my nieces are they are no where near as socialable and well adjusted as my son, who has attended DC since he was 12 weeks old.

DD has also attended DC since she was 12 weeks old. And she is not very sociable. She doesn't like new people, she won't even tolerate her grandparents trying to hang out with her. She is fine with her DCPs, but sitters and family friends? Not so much.

Maybe it's more to do with your child's personal temprament and less to to do with DC.

(I screwed up the quote box...)

My kid has never been in daycare and she will go up to any new person, adult or child, and talk to them. If you think daycare has helped your child grow socially, that's great. But draw the line there instead of crossing into the territory of making assumptions about no daycare = antisocial child.

jtmomma13 · June 2014

OP- When I am upset, I talk. And sometimes talk is good- sometimes it's bad. When you talk, you hear peoples opinions. When you have a sensitive topic and one that you're having mixed feelings about seek out one person and talk to them. Don't bring the subject up with others and don't dwell on it.

If people are offering up their unsolicited opinion (which happens all the time) then there isn't much you can do besides take it was a grain of salt and ignore it! Or tell them that everyone's living situations are different and one thing isn't better than the other. Or say something snarky to make them feel awkward- if that's how you want to handle it. Opinions are like assholes- everybody's got one. And unfortunately in the world of motherhood there is always going to be something.

hbrooks88974 · June 2014

Loving this board so far. Thanks for being real.

MIL's suggestion is that we send LO down to her house (three hours away) for the week and come visit on the weekends. I thought she was joking at first, but she wasn't.

Are you kidding me lady? Hell no.

Jenny952 · June 2014

Yep, it's one of those never-ending judgy things that people say to moms. As if I'm going to suddenly say, You're right, and march right into my boss' office and quit my job. As if I hadn't had to make that decision already of where to send my kid. People are stupid! Hopefully you'll have a much warmer "working mom" welcome when you go back to school and at your job. You're a mom now... get used to having most or all of your parenting decisions come into question!

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

hbrooks88974 said:

Loving this board so far. Thanks for being real.

MIL's suggestion is that we send LO down to her house (three hours away) for the week and come visit on the weekends. I thought she was joking at first, but she wasn't.
Are you kidding me lady? Hell no.

My DH's aunts made a similar suggestion. They rely on my MIL for a lot of things and when they realized MIL was going to prioritize spending a couple months with her new grandchild, all the aunties suggested (in seriousness) that we just ship our kid off to MIL so she could still be available to tend to all the other grown adults in her life.

ss265 · June 2014

cecilyandgautam said:

hbrooks88974 said:

Loving this board so far. Thanks for being real.

MIL's suggestion is that we send LO down to her house (three hours away) for the week and come visit on the weekends. I thought she was joking at first, but she wasn't.

Are you kidding me lady? Hell no.
My DH's aunts made a similar suggestion. They rely on my MIL for a lot of things and when they realized MIL was going to prioritize spending a couple months with her new grandchild, all the aunties suggested (in seriousness) that we just ship our kid off to MIL so she could still be available to tend to all the other grown adults in her life.

@cecilyandgautum, your DH is Indian right? It's very common in Indian culture to send babies to the in-laws to live with them for weeks at a time. Not saying that what they said was right, just trying to point out that it's likely a cultural difference coming into play here.

NavyMom77 · June 2014

PP have given lots of great input. I stayed home with DS for a few years, so sending DD to DC at 3 months was totally different. Even in the first week, though, she was so happy to be there and happy when I picked her up, I realized it was a great, positive addition to her little world. It's an awesome balance - she has her "friend" time and gets unique experiences she wouldn't have at home with me just by being around the other kiddos, and I get to pursue my professional goals. I'll be at home with them due to a move starting in January, and I know she's going to miss it!!!! Look at the pros and the opportunities this decision brings to all of you. Good luck!

cedenton · June 2014

I'm sorry you deal with a lot of jerks. I have never had anyone say anything like that to my face. Thank goodness for them. I know 100% my child is better off in DC than with me as a SAHM. He learns things all the time I would think to teach him. They have a much better grasp of when he's developmentally ready for things and push him more than I would.

jellybean529 · June 2014

I just wanted to add my two cents as a mom to an "older child" -- My daughter is going into 1st grade in the fall so she is the product of having been "raised by daycare" (sarcasm). She's got her normal six year old quirks but she is a sociable, vibrant, strong, smart, independent young lady who adapts very well to change. This was tremendously helpful when her father and I separated late last year. She still goes to after school care and summer camp and is thriving.

I think people who aren't in your shoes don't have much footing to stand on when judging your life. Just let those comments slide like water off a duck's back.

jellybean529 · June 2014

MrsMuq said:

Russiandea12 said:

People will critize you not matter what you do. You have to be comfortable with your plan. Even though I wanted to return to work, it was a difficult decision to send my son to DC, and it took my a long time to get comfortable with him being there 8+ hours in a day. I love my son's DC and he loves it too. He only goes PT 3 days a week, so I feel we have a good balance between home life and DC. My SIL was SAHM for my nieces are they are no where near as socialable and well adjusted as my son, who has attended DC since he was 12 weeks old.

This is such BS. Going to daycare does not mean a child will be more social than a child who has a nanny or SAHPs.

I have plenty of friends with kids in DCs, with nannies or who are home with a parent/grandparent - and just like the mix of childcare arrangements, the kids all have different personalities; some are shy wallflowers, some are crazy social butterflies, and some are in-between.

Stop spewing the myth that kids of SAHPs are antisocial, please for the love of god.

I hope that's not how my post above came across. I also know kids of SAHPs who are the sweetest, most sociable, most outgoing kids ever.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

DS has been in DCP for 4 years. At no point do I feel he has a social advantage over his peers whose mom's stay home.

What tired old mommy wars bullshit.

Unknown · June 2014

This content has been removed.

hbrooks88974 · June 2014

haygurlhay said:

hbrooks88974 said:

VENTING! Sorry for the rant but I am so sick of people slamming daycare. My LO is five months old and will start daycare in August. I am a full time nursing student plus I work. As much as I would love to be with LO every day it just isn't possible. I would love if I had a family member who was retired and could watch her, but I don't. I wish people would stop talking to me about daycare like it's the worst parenting decision I could make. Ugh! Okay, end rant.

I am willing to bet it is how you are framing the discussion. Yes, if you tell people you wish you could be home, they might just commiserate with you and are trying to sympathize.

If you are happy and confident in your decision, people sense that. If you are whining or complaining about your lot, people sense that too.
----------------------- I know this thread is a bit old but I wanted to comment - when I went back to work LO was 4 1/2 or so months old. I was happy to be back at work and thrilled we had found a good DCP. People STILL said how "sad" it was that she was in daycare. People are stupid.

Yes, people always give me that, "Aw, not daycare!" look when I mention it, no matter how I put it.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I was ready to go back to work well before my 12 weeks was up and thrilled at DS being at a center. I would still get the sorries about "having" to go back and how he "had" to go to a center.

Those were all from people who didn't really know me well enough to know I was happy with our working/childcare situation; it is exactly what I wanted. I would utter a single sentence as my response. "I am so very happy to be going back to work." Then I gave a "screw you" smile. The discussion ended there, usually because I was already walking away.

anchalmasako · June 2014

hbrooks88974 said:

Loving this board so far. Thanks for being real.

MIL's suggestion is that we send LO down to her house (three hours away) for the week and come visit on the weekends. I thought she was joking at first, but she wasn't.
Are you kidding me lady? Hell no.

Wow, this is over the top and complete BS, in my opinion. I would tell her to go kick rocks.

jennyelf · June 2014

Sigh, I got a variant of that today. Co-worker telling me how his wife saw daycare kids at the park in a wagon and her deciding their kid would never go to daycare because daycare centers neglect kids and treat them horribly and how they were so glad that she could stay at home and raise their kid the way they wanted the kid to be raised.

I've never been anything but content about my child being in daycare. He's quite happy there and I'm not cut out for being a stay at home mom. The implication that I didn't research the daycare center my child is at and that I would leave him in a situation where I thought he was neglected or treated horribly or that I'm not raising my child the way I want him to be raised.... Sigh.
And co-worker wonders why I don't want to hang out socially with him and his wife / I'm always too busy. In truth, we are busy, but perhaps I make us sound a little busier to get out of feeling like I should go spend time with them.

MNgirl326 · June 2014

Meh - my kid goes to daycare/ preschool during the school year and is home with me during the summer. I 100% believe that his daycare is the reason he is as sociable as he is. I know what he is getting there and I know what he is getting with me at home and there is a difference.

I would not make a good SAHM, the summer is plenty for me. We have fun and all and do outings and play groups, but it's not the same.

I don't judge anyone for their decisions, and don't really care who judges me for mine.

OP - you have a choice, you can let it get under your skin, or you can stand strong and know that at this moment you are doing what is best for you and your family. if others bring it up and are going in a negative way, shut it down. "Yep, he goes to daycare in the fall, we are exited about it, it is what is best for our family" and then move on to something else.

If you are the one bringing it up however, you may want to step back and like others said, see if it is possible you are you putting your own negative feelings on the conversation. If so, people may be reading into that.

Good luck to you!

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