more kids after rainbow?

angelsnight · June 2014

I'm totally jumping the gun with this question, I know that, I would just like to hear others' stories. A quick recap, I've had an early miscarriage, infertility, a 22 week loss and our rainbow was born in March. She's amazing, I'm so in love, but like most new parents we've gotten the "when you have another...." comments. Right now I am completely undecided as to whether to have more children, and that's fine for now. But I worry that when the time comes to try or not try, I'll still be undecided.

In a perfect world I would like another child....I love being a mom and I always pictured having at least two. It would also be nice to have a boy (but another girl would be A-ok). But, MH and I are both 35, so we'd be going on 36 when and if we decide to try again. No clue if we'll have the IF issue again and how long that could take. With our angel I had an incompetent cervix...or so they think. It also could have been due to chorio. If it is IC, I am comfortable with another pregnancy because my cervix held up beautifully with my rainbow and a cerclage. But what if it was chorio? I don't know if I could handle another loss, and I know the chances of another infection are slim, but in my mind, it happened once, why wouldn't it again?

After our losses, all I wanted in the world is my rainbow baby. Well now I have her and I couldn't be happier, so a part of me feels like I should count my blessings and be happy with what we have. Like I said, I know I am rambling and unncessearily worrying about something that shouldn't even be an issue yet. But I'm just wondering...after your loss/rainbows, did you just know you wanted more? Did you struggle with whether or not to have more?

kj808 · June 2014

My DD is my rainbow baby, and yes I always knew I wanted more. DH and I have always wanted 3 children, maybe 4. Well, I have now had 3 miscarriages since having my daughter and while the road has been rough, I know for a fact that I still want to have more. We have been trying for #3 for almost 2 years now and yes it sucks, but if i'm able to get another little one in the end it'll all be worth it.

big_noise · June 2014

I too have struggled with this, but I have a bit of a different view, as I didn't join the loss community until after my first. So my second was my rainbow baby. Part of me feels like we got her and we should be good, but I've always thought of myself as having three. I would give it some time and maybe talk to your doctor at some point about it. They likely won't say yes or no, but might give you some good insight. For me, the drive was to give my oldest a sibling. If you feel that is something important to you, it's something to consider.

VeilSdeGTO · June 2014

It took 2 years and 3 losses to finally get our rainbow. I was perfectly fine with having just her but we did decide that it would be good for her to have a sibling. We started trying earlier rather than later since we weren't sure how long or how many more losses we might have. We did have an early loss again, but was blessed to have another DD.

For us, we wanted to try and see if it happened. If it did, great! If not, that would be fine, too (or at least I'd like to think we would have been fine). People always told me that I wouldn't regret having a second, but I would regret not trying. Now, I can't imagine life without her.

Now for round 3!

Wifey xo · June 2014

Absolutely. I will be 41 in August, and DH and I said we would take 2014 off, then decide if we will do another frozen transfer. My son is 6.5 months. If it were as simple as a transfer, I would not be so torn, but in addition to infertility, I have clotting issues ( Lovenox), and an incompetent cervix ( had a cerclage and 5 months bedrest). I lost my twins at 18 weeks after IVF. Then the csection on top of that, I really needed to be free from procedures. Now that I am a Mom, I am sad it took so long to get here, and the sacrifices that were made, including a 14 year career. I am exactly where I want to be, and know what it takes to give my son a sibling. There are no garuntees repeating our game plan will work, but I really think we will travel that difficult road again early next year. I am just so madly in love with my son...and he was worth every needle, procedure, and minute in that recliner. Good luck with your decision. iPad/ no paragraphs.

daisy19782011 · June 2014

I completely understand your concerns, I am in a similar boat--late loss, will be 36 in September, and 7month old twins. I think MH and I have decided to try again, although I will be forever worried about a pregnancy. I think loss does that to you. I don't feel like I will ever have pregnancy bliss like some get. I also deal with IF, so we have not decided if we will just see what happens naturally or do another IUI. I have really low AMH.
So many things run through my head, as do yours, I'm sure. I think in the end, time will help with decisions. I wish you the best of luck in making yours!

Mom2anAngel2 · June 2014

I have always wanted 3-5 kids (I am not sure if that is in the cards for us, but time will tell). Like you, I am 35. Our first loss was at 19 weeks, after several years of IF. When our rainbow was 9 months we got our 3rd BFP. Unfortunately that lead to another loss, this time at 10 weeks. DH and I both agreed that we could not plan anything because we never know how things will end up. We are currently expecting again (10 weeks tomorrow) with another rainbow (God willing).

I say just follow your heart. Any pregnancy after loss is difficult and unfortunately we have all had our "plans" broken. If your heart is open to the up's and down's of being PgAL again then you will figure out what you want to do. Good luck. I hope you don't struggle too much with this.

angelsnight · June 2014

Thank you all for sharing your stories!

KJsbabe · June 2014

DH and I have always wanted two, so that was the plan from the beginning. I never anticipated it to take so long to get our DD (2 early losses, 2 years), and I wanted our kids to be close in age. So as soon as AF returned pp we started trying again, knowing that it might take another 2 years. I felt emotionally ready again for the roller coaster of TTCAL. Thankfully, it only took 6 months and we've been so far so good (11w tomorrow).

If your family feels complete, then it's perfectly fine to be one and done. But if you truly do want another and then don't try for it, you'll always wonder about that would-have-been baby.

PittPurple · June 2014

I'm having a really hard time with this. We always wanted 2-3 but it just took so long and wasn't ever 'easy' or particularly enjoyable that the thought of starting all over again is just exhausting. I'm 34 so we have a bit of time but it took over 2 years and 2 losses to have our DD and we know there's MF issues to deal with so it is likely to be a bit of a road again. We first said we'd try as soon as possible... then we said we'd try when she's a year... then we said we'd try after our family trip to China... now we're saying we'll try at the end of this year. I'm really hoping to find some peace and be able to make a decision at some point.

ellebelle2384 · June 2014

We always wanted 3 kids but are not sure if that's going to happen now. We had a loss before DD but thought it was just bad luck. We started trying again this winter (end of December) and have had two losses since then. Depending on how long this takes and if we have any more losses we may only have DD or if we're lucky end up with another rainbow. Going through this loss journey again, my heart is telling me I can't take much more and we will be done soon.

Junebug060609 · June 2014

We always knew we wanted more than one kid, so after DS we went the NTNP route. Got another BFP a few days after his first bday. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended up being my second loss...a mmc. It took from December until August of trying again to get pregnant with DD. Not a good time. Not only were were we TTCAL longer than we'd have liked, but DS's autism was coming to light and with my being AMA and DH about to deploy...it felt like time was running out and my world was crashing down. It all ended up working out TTC-wise...though I will say that going through the second half of the pregnancy (DH was gone from weeks 16-35, I delivered at 38w) with a toddler who has some big developmental delays was a helluva challenge.

In hindsight, both the second loss and the longer TTC time (all my previous pregnancies happened within a few cycles of having a shot) were par for the course for my age. I was nearly 35 when I delivered DS. 36 for the mmc and the TTCALx2 time and I was 37 when I delivered DD. The chances for m/c and for it to take a little longer to get pregnant increase with age...but I'm sure you knew that.

Good luck with whatever you decide! Enjoy that rainbow!

angelsnight · June 2014

BananaBoat05 said:

I'm in the same boat (except for the IF). I've had an ectopic and a natural m/c and the losses have taken such a toll on me that I'm not sure I can handle the possibility of it happening again. I was a mess during my PG with my rainbow with such horrible PgAL brain and didn't even allow myself to enjoy any of it. Then i spent much of K's early infancy obsessing over everything that could go wrong (SIDS primarily but other worries as well). We TTC last cycle and I was a disaster so we decided to wait at least a year to consider trying again. Part of me feels like we were meant to just have our rainbow and we should just be thankful that she is here and healthy and wonderful. But then I feel selfish for not trying harder for another baby.

This was me, my pregnancy was really stressful, and for the first two to three weeks I was terrified something would happen to our rainbow. I've relaxed a lot now, but right now the idea of worrying about another pregnancy just doesn't sound appealing.

FmrAFBrat · June 2014

I'm 36 and weighing in on being done. I was 31 TTC, 32 when I had my ectopic and lost my tube, 33 when I had DS1, and 2 weeks shy of 35 when I had DS2. My deliveries were easy with my boys, but I almost died with my ectopic (there are a lot of details I've spared the ALers from reading and worrying most people because it has only a 1/4000 chance of happening) and I almost had to get blood with this last loss. I have my follow up today...so I'll see what they say. Part of me wanted a bigger family, but part of me thinks I should be done for my boys sake.

BootsOrHearts · June 2014

We have popsicle babies so we've at least committed to trying those this fall. After that we will probably go to some lengths to make a sibling for Baby Boots but that might involve donor eggs or adoption given my DOR status. Though, we've defied the odds twice now, both Harrison and Baby Boots were conceived naturally, so who knows what might happen. We feel strongly about having siblings one way or another.

SciChick · June 2014

Having S changed everything. I always thought we would have 2 or 3 kids and was leaning towards 3. The fact that it took so long to have S made it so that I know we might get to 2 and that will be it. When I was putting the baby's newborn clothes away, crying the whole time because she was growing so fast, DH informed me that he may not want any more kids. It was a stressful time for us. I didn't want them right away. I didn't want to take away time from S but at the same time I know that someday I do. DH was dealing with the financial/time stress since he's still in school. He would like to wait until he is done but I am 40 and don't think that is such a good idea. Right now is not a good time for us to have another but I thought in a year or so we could try again and I don't think DH is on board with it so we'll just have to wait and see. I am disappointed but at the same time need him to be all in or it just won't work.

HopingforChange · June 2014

For now, I consider myself one and done. I had two losses, IF, and terrible anxiety during pregnancy and the newborn stage. It was intensely miserable. DD was worth every minute, but I just cannot see myself doing that again. How could I be there for her if I was feeling that way? I always wanted a big family, but there is also something lovely and precious about our unit of 3. People are constantly telling me I'll change my mind, which can be irritating. Never say never I guess, but I am at peace with OAD for now.

more kids after rainbow?

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