Hello (introduction) - severe MFI?

MrsLolaSky · June 2014

Hello Ladies,

This might be my first post in an online forum ever…. I'm a very private person so it is difficult to share personal things, but I think I've reached my limit of suffering on my own. I'm reaching out and wondering if anyone is in a similar position as me and my DH--and is willing to offer some advice.

We recently found out that DH has severe MFI. It's tough news for us to get…. How do you be supportive to DH (who is extremely upset about this news) when you are also personally suffering? I'm afraid that I'm not reacting well, and it is making it worse for DH. I'm having difficulty sleeping, and I keep crying. Do you recommend seeking therapy? If so, on my own or with DH?

Do you have anyone to talk to about it in general? DH is a private person, too, so he doesn't really want me to share this news with anyone--and I fully understand that. Given that, how do I approach getting support from close friends? And with respect to less close friends… I just assume that there's no way to avoid the well-meaning-but-incredibly-hurtful comments and situations.

I decided to talk to my mom about it today, so hopefully that will help. And, (as you can see) I also decided to finally comment on this board.

Our current plans: more testing and saving money for IVF--while trying to focus on the other wonderful and important things in our lives.

Anyways, I'm also just saying hi….

GOOD LUCK to everyone!

, L

kushie77 · June 2014

Hello from another severe MFI couple. We do see a therapist, try to find one that has experience in IF. Also if you are seeing Urology please be sure to find a Urologist that specializes in MFI. It's not easy, I know H blames himself. We are currently contemplating donor sperm but it's a huge hit to H's ego. Try to compliment him on his lovemaking skills, how great his penis is etc, it seems to help.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but this is a great bunch of ladies full of so much info. You should also check out resolve.org there may be a support group local to you.

ky29 · June 2014

Welcome to the board, sorry you find yourself here. We also have MFI. And my DH is also a very private person. He's opened up to one of his friends/coworkers about it, and that's the only person he's told. I've told a couple of my friends who I share our IF details with. But as far as his family / his friends, I let him choose what he wants to share. He just tells them we are having trouble getting pregnant. I'm sure they assume it's me (as I think most people do who haven't had to deal with IF), which I am fine with.

Regarding support, it's hard for me to remember what it was like first finding out. But I NEVER place the blame on him, or throw things back in his face. My husband has moved on, he isn't sad or upset about it. We take things as they come, and go one month at a time with treatment. I don't bring up the MFI much, and I think that helps him.

Has he seen a urologist? You said severe MFI, but I don't know the numbers, is there no option for improvement?

Good luck to you!

MrsLolaSky · June 2014

Thank you for responding!

It felt good to "tell" someone and feel understood!

I think you are both right. I need to be stronger (pull myself together) because I think DH is taking it the hardest right now.

@kushie77: We have an appointment with a urologist--but I will check that he specializes in MFI. I will also look into a local support group; I think that's a great idea--and seems less intimidating than therapy right now. I'll have to talk to DH.

@ky29: It's nice to know that things get better. It's tough to process everything at first.

Thank you for helping me break into commenting

Good luck to you, too!

KT416 · June 2014

I'm really sorry you are in this position, but I'm really glad you found this. I seriously could have written this post.

My DH also has severe MFI-- and had 2 SA's before confirming, but after the first one he took it really hard and already knew it wasn't a lab error.

We are also very personal people and we haven't told anyone about our fertility issues. We discussed it together and he asked to keep it private. He said that he understood if I needed to tell someone, but he asked if I didn't go into the details, and he didn't want anyone to know it was his fault. My mom cannot keep a secret, so I agreed that it would be best not to tell anyone unless we had too. I do sometimes tell my dog what's going on, although I think my secret is safe with her

I found, especially at first, it is a really hard balance. My DH took it extremely hard and didn't want to talk about it. I really wanted to talk about it, but felt he needed his space. But if there was a night I really wanted to talk about it or needed too, I would cook him his favorite dinner, share funny stories, and overall put him in a good mood and make him feel comfortable. After dinner we would just stay at the dinner table and talk about infertility, usually he'd bring it up and talk about it.

I know it can be a hard balance because you are also hurting. I think sometimes it was hard for my DH to understand that it is hard for me too, even though on paper I'm fine. He would sometimes say that it was 100% his fault, which broke my heart because we are a team. I like to remind him of that and we are in it together. Just because right now he has MFI doesn't mean that there won't be more roadblocks in the future, and there could be other factors we do not know about yet.

I did go to all his urology appointments with him and was by his side. He also had to take an antibiotic that was really rough for him, so I did little things like driving him to work and doing quick dinners to help take care of him. Now I started my IVF process, and started stimming. I assumed I would go to my appointments by myself, but he was so cute and was said "well we are a team, I'll go with you".

I think it is important for him to know that you are a team and you are in it together no matter what happens down the crazy road.

I find that this board is so helpful and can let me vent and keep my sanity, and not take anything out on DH or say anything insensitive. If you do feel like you need extra support, I would definitely recommend a therapist.

And welcome! I hope you join us, we have a great group of ladies here!

MrsLolaSky · June 2014

Wow, thank you, @KT416…. Your post really hit home for me, too. I like your approach a lot, and I will try to emulate it with DH. I feel very welcome here

Good luck to you!!!

BunnyBerry · June 2014

No great advice, but I just wanted to say that I think I understand your feelings/dilemma of how to support DH (we also have MFI) when it also discourages me. I've found that being really open on anything going less than stellar on my side of things helps him feel like it's not all his fault.

Sounds like you guys have a good plan in place to spend time saving for IVF I hope everything goes smoothly. I also think that by the time we women are ready to admit that we think we need someone to talk to, we usually really do! My DH also really restricts who/what I can tell because he is (understandably) sensitive about things. Luckily since our marriage he has not tried to broach the sacred sister/sister relationship and our right to talk about everything, LOL! That one person has made things a lot easier. I hope your mom can be "your person" to talk to, and/or you find a counselor you really click with. I'm glad you choose to join here, too, because it really makes a differece.

lebradford · June 2014

Welcome!

I don't have a lot of people IRL to talk to about this. I did end up telling my mom, and she is generally supportive, but she still doesn't really get it. I told one friend and it didn't go very well, so I haven't told anyone else (besides our bosses).

Honestly, being on here is a huge support for me. I hope you'll find the same thing. I'm working on getting set up to see a counselor as well, but I haven't gone yet. My plan is to go alone at first, but I wouldn't hesitate to pull my husband into some sessions if I thought it would help.

If you do want to share with people, I suggest sending them a copy of the following link to read before having any further discussions with them. https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

TLooney17 · June 2014

We also have severe MFI. I always talk about it in those terms that it's something we have not something that's his problem. My husband has said that me talking about it a lot stresses him out, but I have also told him that talking about it is something that I need to do. So we have kind of found a middle ground. We talk about it, but we try not to let it consume our lives ( even though it consumes my brain a lot of the time.) My DH has actually talked to a lot of his friends about it, and I think it has helped him. He has found that a lot of other guys he knows have had the same issues ( although most not as severe as us.)

We have been seeing a uro specializing in MFI. My DH has been taking clomid along with a regimen of recommended supplements. He also wears boxers, keeps lap tops off of his lap, and limits alcohol to 4 drinks a weeks. Through all of these changes we have seen great improvement in all of his numbers except morph, so there is hope.

As far as telling others, just do what you feel comfortable with. Most of the time I just tell people we are having trouble getting pregnant, and just let them guess what the issue is. We have told close friends and family, but my DH is comfortable with that.

Just know that you are not alone. Hopefully it gets easier to deal with as you have had a chance to digest the news.

MrsLolaSky · June 2014

Thank you! Everyone has been very welcoming and supportive. I already feel better today.

I'm hopeful that I'll be a supportive member to others, too, on this board. Thanks again for the welcome!

sharrison7613 · June 2014

Welcome and good luck. I think the whole IF process is hard to discuss in general and I applaud you for being brave enough for your first online post

TTCBabyJ · June 2014

Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you have to be here....it is really hard to support him when you are in a sense grieving as well. My DH has morphology and motility issues his first SA produced only 1.8 million motile sperm. I know it is bothering him even though he acts like it doesn't, but after 4 months of getting these results he is finally start to talk about it more. The other day we were looking for a parking space at Target and there were a bunch of handicap parking spaces and he said, "I should be able to park there because of my sperm." It broke my heart, but I know he jokes to lighten the situation. I think couple's therapy would be a great option, we are starting this month. Good luck!

chicory · June 2014

Welcome. We are also MFI, everyone has varying definitions on what's severe vs mild, but our history realistically puts us into IVF territory, which we will be pursuing this year unless some miracle happens. You've gotten a lot of great comments so far. My DH really took it hard and it had a huge effect on his libido...which is bad enough when sex has already become clinical, then sex for fun isn't easy either. We blamed it on a medication he was taking, and I do think that had a factor, but honestly his drive is coming back now that we're coming to terms with the need for IVF. I think now that he feels like it's out of his control, he's let go of some of the guilt and the libido is bouncing back (yay!) I second the comment that it is "our" problem, not his problem. There is no way to rule out every problem in each partner, even if you already have a severe MFI diagnosis. I find it is easier for me to shoulder more of the blame when we tell others (which is not often.) Usually we just tell people we're having trouble and that we prefer not to discuss diagnosis, but I'd rather have people think it's a problem on my end, even if it isn't. It's really a shame that society puts such a stigma on IF, especially MFI, but that won't change quickly. Finding support IRL is a huge bonus, but rare in my experience. We have friends (not super super close but still friends) that went through IVF which has been a huge help to us, but to date, no one with MFI experience IRL. In general, everyone we've opened up to means well but is moderately to severely uneducated when it comes to IF. So, unless you're lucky enough to connect with someone you know IRL, be sure to use this as a great support group! I'm so glad I stumbled upon 3T, and I will be intro'ing on Infertility soon as we progress to IVF. Please feel welcome to PM me if you want to chat!

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Hello (introduction) - severe MFI?

Re: Hello (introduction) - severe MFI?

March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

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Want a personalized experience?

Hello (introduction) - severe MFI?

Re: Hello (introduction) - severe MFI?

March 2014 - RE appt. April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormalMay 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm