When will it get easier?

Starfish+77 · June 2014

DD is 18.5 mos and DS is 2.5 mos. Having 2 so close in age was not planned and I am struggling. DS is a high needs baby requiring a lot of effort to get him to sleep. DD is in the throws of toddler tantrums. Most days I just feel like I'm failing at being a mom. DH is very helpful when home but we are both so overwhelmed that we end up arguing most of the time. At this point there's no happiness in this house and I know I should be grateful to have 2 healthy children. I feel like I hardly have any time for DD because I'm constantly with DS. DD is still in FT daycare to maintain her routine while I'm on leave. When she wakes up before DH dropoff to daycare I'm usually feeding the baby and at night when I pick her up we usually get home and he's losing his shit during witching hours. I feel guilty she isn't getting much of my attention. I don't even know how in the world I'd manage if she was home all day so kudos to those that have this figured out. I certainly don't. Sorry for rambling but I am just feeling lost and hoping for tips of how to manage 2U2. I tried putting him in the ergo last night when we got home and he screamed his head off. I can't really carry him anyway and play on the floor with DD or lift her into high chair for dinner. This too shall pass..any words of encouragement for this struggling 2U2 mom?? Thanks.

RedDDD · June 2014

Ok so this is a running theme here on this board and I completely understand. This was me about 7 months ago. I posted something very similar and got some words of encouragement. Hence why I come back to this board even though mine are now 9 months and 26 months. All I have to say is hang in there because you are right in the middle of the Sh*t storm.....and it doesn't get easier for a while. IT WILL get easier but you have a few more months before the light at the end of the tunnel starts to get a little brighter versus it being a faint speck

When your LO is 6 months it will get easier...sleeping patterns develop, eating patterns develop etc. And in my experience each month after that it gets a little easier because sleep gets better. The sleeping thing is a huge deal and once everyone is sleeping better the stress level will go down. I did read somewhere that when both are demanding your attention go to the toddler first. This has been my practice and I think it has worked for me. The baby will not remember and really you wont let the baby cry for that long but tending to the toddler first will most times head off a tantrum or melt down and makes them feel they are still loved and important. Even though your older one is still a baby too enlist her help. Help mommy feed the baby (if you bottle feed) help mommy change the baby or pick out clothes for the baby etc....they don't really help at that age but they feel included and it gives them something to do.

As for your marriage.....I still struggle with this one. BUT it has gotten WAAAY better and it all has to do with sleep. It takes a lot of work to schedule reconnect time and we are famous for cancelling plans or a baby sitter because we are too tired but DONT DO THAT. Find someone that can watch your kids for even one hour and that will help! Secondly.....leave both with DH and take 30 min or an hour to go to the grocery or Target or something where you get a small break this will help fill up your "mom cup"

You have to give back to yourself.

man I talk a big game because all of this is easier said then done

Everyone I talked to with 2U2 said the first year is hell and after that it just gets easier and easier. Now that mine are 9 months and 26 months it is definately much better. my 2yr old helps clean up, he feeds himself, he plays on his own....just much more self-sufficient which makes a huge difference. Course now my 9 month old is teething so we are back to waking 47 times a night .....oh well!

Hang in there! Hope this helped!

ashiscute · June 2014

It will get better soon but it's different for all of us. Mine are 19.5 mos apart and when DS could sit up (assisted) and show mild interest in toys DD was so excited. She loved bringing him toys and watching them play. That's when I got to enjoy them being siblings for the first time and it made everything better.

I understand what you are going through and survival mode is just how it is. DS has reflux and cried so much as a baby. It took till he was 3 mos to get him on a medicine that actually helped. To make things easier I wore DS as much as possible in the moby. Or I'd put him in his bouncy seat and do a mini dance party with DD because that usually kept him happy. I had my MIL (she was working part time then) over once a week just to take DD to the park or out to lunch or wherever. That was a huge help. I know that it's hard but it will get better and you will hardly remember this. Mine are almost 3.5 and 21 mos now and are best friends. They play together all day, are on the same wake/sleep schedule. It's awesome. I wouldn't change it. Good luck!!!

Stephorse · June 2014

It was hard the first couple of months, but now that LO is four months old it's gotten easier, but there are still times that my youngest wants to be held the same time as my 21 month old. However, my oldest is more understanding now and even tries to play with the 4 month old and the 4 month old adores him and will watch him. It will get better. I don't know if it's any easier, but it does get better!

Starfish+77 · June 2014

Thank you RedDDD for taking the time to respond. I was having such a rough day and your reply really helped. The sleep thing is a huge deal you're right. DS is not sleeping very well at night just does not give long stretches so I'm completely exhausted. Everything my toddler does makes me want to bite her head off. I have no patience whatsoever. It's getting so bad with DH too. It's very reassuring to read your reply and others that have been through this. Thank you so very much!

Starfish+77 · June 2014

Thanks ashiscute. I hope my 2 will eventually be best friends too! Right now unfortunately DD is too rough with DS and likes to hit and throw at him :-( Your reply was also very helpful and encouraging to me. Glad to hear things are going well for you!!

ashiscute · June 2014

Starfish+77 said:

Thanks ashiscute. I hope my 2 will eventually be best friends too! Right now unfortunately DD is too rough with DS and likes to hit and throw at him :-( Your reply was also very helpful and encouraging to me. Glad to hear things are going well for you!!

I know it's hard to see but you will get there!

One thing that helped me hugely was that DH got two weeks of paid paternity leave for DS but didn't have to take them all at once. So when DS was about 3 mos he took a whole week off. It was right before Christmas so we took the kids to see Santa and did some shopping and just kind of relaxed. It was the biggest help I could have asked for. I was not in a good way before that. I honestly was in such a bad shape after DS was born. (I skipped a good friend's wedding when DS was 5 weeks because I just couldn't go.) And now I am really hoping to have a 3rd.

Don't feel guilty about decisions you make (I fell asleep multiple times nursing DS while DD was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!). Invest in a good carrier and just do what you can until suddenly you realize it's a bit easier. It will be here sooner than you know.

sometimesalwayschaotic · June 2014

The beginning is so so hard but it does get easier! Now that my youngest is 6 months old things almost seem "easy." Once the baby starts being easier to get to sleep things are so much better. I hear with 3 that things get more interesting again once they're all mobile...

vettymama · June 2014

Thank you for posting this. I have a 19.5 month old and a 2.5 month old. Some days are so hard! It's nice to read that others are going through the same thing and my feelings and struggles are normal.

Starfish+77 · June 2014

+MeganS+ said:
Thank you for posting this. I have a 19.5 month old and a 2.5 month old. Some days are so hard! It's nice to read that others are going through the same thing and my feelings and struggles are normal.

Hugs!! Yeah every day I just about go out of my mind:-) Wish I had more mommy friends in the area. You don't happen to live in NJ/PA area for a play date do you? I feel like I'm totally neglecting my DD since DS is somewhat of a "high needs" baby :-(
I hate to wish away his baby stage but I long for the days they can play together and I can sit by and just watch! Haha

vettymama · June 2014

Starfish+77 said:

+MeganS+ said:
Thank you for posting this. I have a 19.5 month old and a 2.5 month old. Some days are so hard! It's nice to read that others are going through the same thing and my feelings and struggles are normal.
Hugs!! Yeah every day I just about go out of my mind:-) Wish I had more mommy friends in the area. You don't happen to live in NJ/PA area for a play date do you? I feel like I'm totally neglecting my DD since DS is somewhat of a "high needs" baby :-(
I hate to wish away his baby stage but I long for the days they can play together and I can sit by and just watch! Haha

Sorry, I'm in MN! I haven't been able to put DS2 down all day! I know I should be taking this all in but it's tiring and frustrating at times. I feel like I'm neglecting DS1 also. I try to tell myself it's normal mommy guilt and DS1 is generally happy and I'm doing the best I can every day. We'll get through this!

jesselayne8 · June 2014

It got better at 5 months when DS starting sitting up. Then I got easier around 10.5 when DS started running (he walked at 8.5). Now DD and DS can run around and play. I am actually at the point 13 months in where I am ready for #3.
When I was at your stage, the mom guilt was almost crippling. I felt like both kids got short changed but those feelings have faded. Seeing the kids giggle at each other and get in trouble together, makes me feel like they are the perfect age gap.
hang in there. This stage won't last forever.

Starfish+77 · June 2014

jesselayne8 said:

It got better at 5 months when DS starting sitting up. Then I got easier around 10.5 when DS started running (he walked at 8.5). Now DD and DS can run around and play. I am actually at the point 13 months in where I am ready for #3.
When I was at your stage, the mom guilt was almost crippling. I felt like both kids got short changed but those feelings have faded. Seeing the kids giggle at each other and get in trouble together, makes me feel like they are the perfect age gap.
hang in there. This stage won't last forever.

Thank you! Yes the mommy guilt is really, really bad right now. I really appreciate your response. Good luck with #3!! I'm done at 2 mentally and physically :-)

JulyMomma2U2 · July 2014

(Preface -- I didn't read all the other responses first, so I apologize if I repeat!)

First off.. deeeeeeep breaths, Momma and big big hugs!!! It will get easier and you are doing an excellent job!!!

Mine are almost 1 and almost 2 now, so they are a bit older, but I'll make a few suggestions ;-)

The ergo. Keep trying!! Try putting him in during the day, too, when he's happy and pleasant.. get him used to being worn so that way when he's really fussy it may become more soothing to him. At 2.5 months, especially if he's on the smaller side, maybe make sure to either use a rolled receiving blanket (or the infant insert if you purchased it) to help prop him up more in the Ergo so he can see outward.

Music. This was a LIFE SAVER for me. My older one did not go to daycare, so I juggled them both from the beginning. Having music on in the background helped me to keep my cool when both were screaming bloody murder!! I'm not sure how you handle tantrums with your toddler, but for us, we tend to not feed into them.. which means, my DS1 may spend 5 minutes screaming like he's been shot on the ground before getting bored and moving on.. having music on helped me to tune it out some. I also learned pretty quickly that sometimes the baby will have to cry... if I"m changing my older one, or trying to get a meal together, etc, it's OK if he's freaking out for a couple of minutes.. it's not neglect if you're taking 2 minutes to change your other child's diaper ;-) Momma guilt can be really hard in those moments.. but once I accepted that it's not the end of the world if he's crying for a few minutes here and there, it got easier, and he quickly realized that just because I put him down, that didn't mean I wasn't going to come back and pick him back up!

Vacuuming!!! I spent SOOOOO much time vacuuming! The sound of the vacuum soothed the baby, and I could make it a little game with my toddler.. I'd vacuum, he'd help me pick up toys, sometimes I'd pretend chase him around with the vacuum, etc.. I almost always wore DS2 while doing this early on, but eventually I could lay him down and just vacuum around him and the noise still soothed him during witching hours

Going back to music, again.. we also danced a LOT at night during those crazy crying periods.. I should have prefaced this also by saying my DS1 had colic for 4 months, so "witching hours" were nothing compared to the months of colic with our first.. and we learned a lot of these tricks back when DS1 was an infant. Anyway.. we have a big exercise ball that I keep in my family room.. we put fun dancing music on, I'd hold the baby and bounce a bit on the exercise ball, and DS1 would run around and dance next to us.. it helped me feel like I wasn't NOT giving attention to DS1, but was also keeping the baby calm

Does the baby like bath time? This was something else we did... both mine LOVE bath time.. so, from a very early age we started bathing them together. I first started by putting the baby tub in the big tub.. keeping baby in baby tub and filling the big tub around it a bit for my older one, but quickly just moved to putting the baby in the big tub, too, and only filling it a small amount. It was a great way to keep everyone happy, they both had my 100% attention, and it really helped them develop a bond, too.. it gave me the chance to really focus my attention on teaching my older one how to "play nice" with the baby, since the baby was content laying in the bath water... (though.. warning.. my little one has pooped in the tub since a very young age.. and, that does cause chaos when there's 2 in there!!! LoL).

Overall, things DO get easier in many ways, but there are also new challenges. For us in particular, I found 5-8mos as the hardest, simply because DS2 was alert and "seeing" his brother and all the freedom his brother had, but would get SO unbelievably frustrated because he couldn't crawl/move around yet to keep up. So, during those periods, there was a lot of random screaming fits and DS2 wanted me to just keep moving him everywhere his brother was, etc. It was tiring.. but, as soon as he started crawling between 8-9mos, it was a game changer ;-) Now, because your older one is in childcare during the day, this may not be an issue for you at all, since the younger won't be watching the older one all the time, know what I mean?

It really, really does get easier!! There will always be new challenges, but you just adjust, and roll with it.. change up the routine to meet the newest needs, and be consistent

We are expecting #3 in ~7-8 weeks, so I'll be right there in the "dreadful beginning stages" with ya! Hang in there, Momma.. you're really doing fantastic!!

mypregoluv · July 2014

I absolutely love this post and all the comments. I'm new to the Bump and I am expecting my 2nd. I have the same exact due date I had last year with my 1st August 6, Though She was born July 28. And now my Dr informed me I could expect my son to be born anyday now. And then it hit me what am going to do with 2 babies at once. On top of that we just found a house with enough space for all of us so we will be moving within a month and only half of the house is packed. husband wrks 6days a wk. No family members that could possibly help a couple of friends. So I really was starting to feel overwhelmed. But this helped alil thank you all. Im a big fan of routine I got my 1st sleeping thru the night b4 3mos so this gives me hope

jchytil · August 2014

Advice take it 1 day at a time. Before you know it things have calmed down a bit. I agree with a previous poster my ped told me to take care of the toddlers emotional needs first. The baby only needs a caretaker to feed, change diapers... etc. but the toddler needs your emotional support. So if baby is in a swing for more than 20mins its ok! if you are busy with your older child. My husband I also hit a really bad rough patch when our daughter was born. Lack of sleep, chaos at dinner, bedtime had us sooo stressed out. It's getting better now that our daughter is about to turn 1.

lana22 · August 2014

lots of posters covered advice i'd give, but don't forget to get out of the house! it's great for the older kid, and my younger guy was very flexible; he'd sleep out and about, and liked looking around and seeing new things. everyone was happier when we took "road trips". in the summer it was lots of parks, spray ground, etc. and in the winter it's mall, grocery shopping, friend's houses, etc.

jgoetzin · September 2014

I will be graduating from having two under two this month, when DD turns 3. I am still waiting for it to get easier... I hear that when the youngest turns two, that it will get a lot easier. Right now DS is into EVERYTHING. He is 18 months and truly exhausts me. DD is actually really helpful now and is throwing a lot less tantrums and she is almost 3. I do enjoy seeing them play together though and my oldest will tell me when the youngest is doing something he shouldn't, so that's really helpful too. Good luck! I think when you have a baby younger than a year old, it is really hard no matter what the age gap is between your kids. I am actually considering having a third baby now, so it must be getting easier or I wouldn't even consider it!

bleusimp · September 2014

Thank you for posting and thank you for all of the responses. DS #2 is due in dec when DS#1 will be barely 16 months. I'm definitely going to be back looking for wonderful suggestions then I'm sure.

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