DH is losing it- anyone else?

jcf2133 · June 2014

So, the good news is that DH is a great daddy and totally adores DD. He didn't have much experience with babies, and he has been doing great learning how to take care of her. And as a FTD, he's super nervous, which makes sense to me. (I'm a FTM, but I guess all those years babysitting and teaching have made me a tiny bit less worried.) The first week we were home, he would often wake up worried about DD. He fell asleep reading, once- when the book fell to the floor, he freaked out, thinking he had dropped DD, or she had fallen off the bed (not that she was in the bed, mind you). This started out as kind of cute, and amusing as I tried to talk him down, while holding DD and showing him that she's just fine. DD is now five weeks. Last night, DH woke up at least three times (and this is in a 5-6 hour total sleeping window) believing that DD is trapped in his pillow. The first time I woke up to find him standing beside the bed, cradling the pillow telling me, "I just don't know where to put her." The other two times, he's removing the pillowcase, searching for her. We are all overtired as new parents, and I know it's stressful, but is anyone else's DH having reactions like this? It's kind of unsettling!

gutsysneakers · June 2014

I agree that the behavior he's exhibiting is unsettling. I think that may be a tad different than "normal" FTD behavior. Does he have any history if mental illness? Or is he under a lot more stress than a "normal" FTD?

LunaBug924 · June 2014

That sounds really scary and I would be concerned. I think you need to find a quiet time and a gentle way to talk to him about this. If you have a family member or close friend that can stay with LO while you go out to dinner or something that might be better than trying to have the conversation while you're trying to take care of LO. It sounds like he might need to talk to someone about the anxiety and stress he's feeling and see if there's a bigger issue there. (((Hugs))) to both of you.

KBowen715 · June 2014

Sounds like sleep deprivation and stress. Have him lay off caffeine, go to sleep before becoming exhausted, and sleep with some good white noise.

jesstellina · June 2014

KBowen715 said:

Sounds like sleep deprivation and stress. Have him lay off caffeine, go to sleep before becoming exhausted, and sleep with some good white noise.

I agree with all of this. Poor guy! Does he have a history of sleep walking? Sounds like a similar type of behavior.

haylo33 · June 2014

That definitely sounds like strange behavior but lack of sleep/fatigue can make people do weird things. How are you guys sleeping? I know sleep deprivation can be used as a torture tactic, so it can really effect people. I woke my DH up last night at 2am because DS was crying and DH gives him a bottle so I can sleep more than 2 hours. I said to him "the baby is hungry" he says "ok" and goes back to bed. I wake him again and he says "well feed him then" and I told him "you feed him with the bottle. Like you do every night". He had no idea what I was talking about for a minute until he woke up. I kept saying "are you sure you are ok? Need me to feed him?". I think he was just really tired

usernewname · June 2014

Sounds like he needs a good night's sleep. It's one thing to startle at noises but his behavior sounds odd.

And a hot shower. Or maybe some time out of the house. Are you both getting out? It makes a world of difference sanity wise.

I hope he feels better soon.

dogsombrero · June 2014

DH has done this as well to a lesser degree. One night he was holding J on his chest until he fell asleep then put him in his RnP. He woke up later searching the bed and floor thinking he lost/dropped the baby, he finally looked in the RnP and realized it was sleep dep and J was fine. I agree with others it sounds like stress and sleep dep bringing out fears.

Are you both making an effort to give each other rest? I was going nuts until DH and I figured out a sleep arraignment. I take all feeds from 10pm - 3am. He gets the early am one (anywhere from 4-6am). If you are already doing something like this could YH spend that time sleeping in another room or on the couch to get him away from his fear triggers?

jcf2133 · June 2014

DD is in the pack and play on my side of the bed- no cosleeper here- but I think it probably is a combo of fatigue and stress. My initial sense was that he should talk to someone, but he said I should look on my boards first. Now I Can tell him my boards concur- talk to someone! Thanks, guys!

whimsy515 · June 2014

I'm a sleep walker and I have night terrors. If there's something new in my room (like a baby) then I'm aware of it and don't have an episode. However, once I began living with my DH, he now has night terrors and sleep walks. He blames me $:\$ "> But he does search the blankets looking for DS, but he does this when I'm still in the living room with DS. Your DH sounds like he's sleep walking or having night terrors. It's best to try to ease his mind. In my experience, once you're used to these new changes, the episodes should subside.

spacepotatoes · June 2014

It could just be exhaustion. When we first came home, I'd wake up disoriented thinking I could hear LO breathing or fussing, and feeling her move in the comforter. I was convinced I was holding her and when I got out of bed, that she was still wrapped in the covers. DH would have to remind me that it was a dream. It faded away over the first week or so. DH mentioned that it's happened to him a couple of times too. I'd start with @KBowen715's suggestions and see if it helps. But certainly keep an eye out for signs of anything deeper than just exhaustion.

gurleymomma · June 2014

I agree probably sleep walking because of exhaustion. With DD1 i always woke up from nightmares that she would go missing from the bed and i wake up searching the bed.as LO gets older it will pass.

MrsBHM · June 2014

My husband often wakes up as I'm getting back in bed from nursing, etc. and asks "Where's the baby?!" In kind of a panicked voice. He says he always wakes up & thinks I fell asleep with the baby in the bed or something. I've found it helps if I half wake him before I get back in bed and say, "The baby ate and is back in his pack & play." He just says "Ok" and goes back to sleep.

Soupy84 · June 2014

I would say this is absolutely normal behaviour for a FTD. How many people have responded that their SO are doing the same thing. Its sleep deprivation and knowing that there is a little being absolutely dependent and helpless.

Whenever I sleep in my bed (which is pretty rare as I am sleeping on an uncomfortable couch as DS will only sleep in his RnP), I wake up in a panic searching the blankets for DS. DS has NEVER slept in the bed with us, however he spends a lot of time in my arms (eating, sleeping, carrying him around). DH's hours at home are spent the same way. He has woken up trying to bottle feed his pillow and has had nightmares about losing DS.

Why would his sleep not be impacted by such a huge life changing event? The mind works in weird ways. Rest easy, your DH is not losing his mind.

Lizmullen · June 2014

This is exact post was on the April 14 board. So it's not totally unheard of. I would find the link but I'm a mobile user.

Roufi · June 2014

spacepotatoes said:
It could just be exhaustion. When we first came home, I'd wake up disoriented thinking I could hear LO breathing or fussing, and feeling her move in the comforter. I was convinced I was holding her and when I got out of bed, that she was still wrapped in the covers. DH would have to remind me that it was a dream. It faded away over the first week or so. DH mentioned that it's happened to him a couple of times too.

I'd start with @KBowen715's suggestions and see if it helps. But certainly keep an eye out for signs of anything deeper than just exhaustion.

I've experienced the exact same thing during the first two or three weeks. It's totally normal when you have a tiny, helpless being and you don't know him or her very well yet. You worry that you won't hear them, or that in your exhaustion you'll make a mistake.

It will fade as you (as a family) get better attuned to each other and get more sleep.

Funny story about my DH - he's dead to the world when he sleeps. In our first week home I had a terrible night of about one hour sleep overall, so when baby started fussing AGAIN right after eating, I woke H up to soothe the baby. He said "ok" and went right back to dreamland. So I woke him up again, he said "ok" and started patting MY butt instead :P sleep dep can play serious tricks on the mind, but I would try not to worry too much.

momthatlifts · June 2014

Mh has been acting a bit off lately. I can't tell he is tired though. He has to go visit his doctor to get his medicine (tomorrow) and last night he was a little weird. He has bags and dark circle under his eyes so I know he is extremely sleep deprived and I try my best to let him get some sleep but he's also stressed so that adds to it. See if you can give me a little quiet time where he can nap or just watch some tv and relax

TigersFan12 · June 2014

ALE515 said:
I'm a sleep walker and I have night terrors. If there's something new in my room (like a baby) then I'm aware of it and don't have an episode. However, once I began living with my DH, he now has night terrors and sleep walks. He blames me $:\$ "> But he does search the blankets looking for DS, but he does this when I'm still in the living room with DS. Your DH sounds like he's sleep walking or having night terrors. It's best to try to ease his mind. In my experience, once you're used to these new changes, the episodes should subside.

I have night terrors too, usually after a big life change (i.e. getting married, moving into a new house, getting a dog, and now having a baby). To me, what your husband is doing sounds exactly like what happens to me during night terrors. They always seem so real, and it takes at least a few minutes for my husband to talk me down and convince me it's not real. They became much less frequent when I went on an SSRI for my anxiety.

hbird0723 · June 2014

jesstellina said:

KBowen715 said:

Sounds like sleep deprivation and stress. Have him lay off caffeine, go to sleep before becoming exhausted, and sleep with some good white noise.

I agree with all of this. Poor guy! Does he have a history of sleep walking? Sounds like a similar type of behavior.

I agree too. I was having dreams I forgot to feed her and woke up worried all night last night and once I thought she fell off the bed but she was just fine. It's happened when I was exhausted and this new being a mom and being a dad thing is scary so I'd imagine it can bring on some scary dreams.

flockofmoosen3 · June 2014

This sounds normal for my house. My husband wakes up sometimes convinced that our dog, who sleeps in bed between us, is the baby who has suffocated and shriveled up. Or he will wake up in a panic and ask where the baby is...when we keep her in the bassinet next to me. He has done that sort of thing before...once he got up ready to put clothes on for work at 2am. I always just talkhim down and he goes back to bed. For us this is all no big deal. I would just help your husband get more rest and deal with his night terrors gently.

staceom · June 2014

Haha okay what I am about to say is ridiculous but true! I can relate on another level. When my husband and I first got a puppy 7 years ago I would wake up panicking thinking the dog was in the bed and we smothered him because he was so tiny! I woke up one night frantically grabbing at my husbands hairy leg thinking it was the dog while half asleep. I have no history of sleep walking of weird night time stuff but I think it was the combo of lack of sleep and suddenly being in charge of something so tiny and helpless

Jennyinheaven · June 2014

@Roufi‌ that's so funny I did something similar, half asleep I found myself patting DH's bottom and making shhhh noises trying to "sooth" him , oops

Roufi · June 2014

That's exactly what he did lol...hAd to tell him "I'm fine, he's the one who needs you".

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