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Parenting
18 month old hitting help
I have an 18 month old, and I have some concerns about his behavior. Y'all have set me straight before about having unrealistic ideas about what a baby can do or understand developmentally, so I really am hoping you can give me some advice, point me toward some good resources, or at least drink a beer for me since I can't for the next seven months.
Over the past few week, DS has gotten really bad about hitting and throwing things. For example, I worked in church nursery yesterday, and he hit other children at least 5 times. It was either because another kid was playing with a toy he wanted, or because I was showing another kid attention, and he was jealous. Every time, I pulled him away from the other child, said, "We don't hit. No hitting. That's not nice," and then I made him sit in time out for a few minutes. He didnt seem to mind the time out and then went back to hitting, so I don't know how effective that was. I was embarrassed because I don't want my kid to be the bully, and also I'm worried that when this new baby comes in January, DS is going to hit him or her out of jealousy.
DS also hits me multiple times a day at home, for example, if I tell him "no" about something or pick him up to take him somewhere he doesn't want to go. I use the same time out and talking to him method, but it doesn't seem to work. I've tried holding his hands down, but then he laughs and thinks it's a game.
He also throws things out of anger. For example, he was eating a snack before dinner. I was making something with the blender, he came over and tried to push the buttons on the blender, I told him "no," and he got mad and threw his snack across the room.
I've talked to his DCP, and she is just like, "Meh, it's a developmental stage; he'll grow out of it." But I have seen her girls (2 and 3 years old) hit DS on multiple occasions, so I feel like her laissez-faire attitude about hitting might be part of the problem. I plan to talk to her about it, but first I want to be really confident about how I want to respond to the hitting.
TL;DR - DS is 18 months old and hits me and other children when he is angry or jealous. Is this normal, and how can I discourage this behavior? Redirecting and time outs don't seem to be working, but maybe I just need to be more consistent? I feel like I'm failing as a parent - please help!
Over the past few week, DS has gotten really bad about hitting and throwing things. For example, I worked in church nursery yesterday, and he hit other children at least 5 times. It was either because another kid was playing with a toy he wanted, or because I was showing another kid attention, and he was jealous. Every time, I pulled him away from the other child, said, "We don't hit. No hitting. That's not nice," and then I made him sit in time out for a few minutes. He didnt seem to mind the time out and then went back to hitting, so I don't know how effective that was. I was embarrassed because I don't want my kid to be the bully, and also I'm worried that when this new baby comes in January, DS is going to hit him or her out of jealousy.
DS also hits me multiple times a day at home, for example, if I tell him "no" about something or pick him up to take him somewhere he doesn't want to go. I use the same time out and talking to him method, but it doesn't seem to work. I've tried holding his hands down, but then he laughs and thinks it's a game.
He also throws things out of anger. For example, he was eating a snack before dinner. I was making something with the blender, he came over and tried to push the buttons on the blender, I told him "no," and he got mad and threw his snack across the room.
I've talked to his DCP, and she is just like, "Meh, it's a developmental stage; he'll grow out of it." But I have seen her girls (2 and 3 years old) hit DS on multiple occasions, so I feel like her laissez-faire attitude about hitting might be part of the problem. I plan to talk to her about it, but first I want to be really confident about how I want to respond to the hitting.
TL;DR - DS is 18 months old and hits me and other children when he is angry or jealous. Is this normal, and how can I discourage this behavior? Redirecting and time outs don't seem to be working, but maybe I just need to be more consistent? I feel like I'm failing as a parent - please help!
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Re: 18 month old hitting help
She did have some days where she did what you're describing and those didn't work. If she threw food, I put it in the garbage, if it was a toy flying at my face the toy got a time out (not allowing her to play with it) until the "toy" could play nice. If we were in public we left immediately. It was typically her thinking she could get away with just a time out and be able to keep on about her day, I disrupted that with larger consequences and that seemed to help.
If he hits at home, just walk away and ignore him. If he throws something, silently pick it up and walk away.
I suppose it's a natural type of consequence. If you hit, someone will not want to be around you. If you throw something, you obviously don't want it and it's gone.
I tried to eliminate the word no if it triggers a negative response instead of no I would say "that will hurt you" if it was something that they didnt need to touch. If it was something that was someone else's I would say "thats is Johnny's toy." It helped me alot.
If they had already hit someone or were in the process I would stop them and tell them "that hurts me (sad face) that makes me sad." Associate his actions with the response and emotions of others will bring out sympathy.
As far as throwing things I would/will not pick up something a child has thrown. If they throw a toy while having a melt down they can calm down and then pick up the toy (or help pick it up if they are younger). Teaching them they have to be responsible for the mess they make (out of anger) makes it far less enjoyable to throw it in the first place.
Hope that helps. :-)
He does say "mine" a lot, but he is still missing a lot of words, so I'll teach him the sign for "stop."
I'm sure as frustrated as I am, it's probably frustrating for him too because he has a lot of thoughts and desires, and he can't always express them.
Thanks again!
I find hitting is usually a sign that my kids are feeling out of control. So I try to find as many ways as possible to let them have some control - choices, set up clothes or a snack so that he can get them himself etc. Also, I try to increase the attention/cuddles when he is behaving.
Obviously you need to address it any time that he hits, but I never found time out to be very effective in toddlers. They just don't get it. I do my best to be calm. My DS especially loves to get a rise out of me. If my kid is trying to hit me, I do my best to block and hold his hands while saying I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts. If they hit their sibling they must apologize and give some sort of restitution, usually give them the toy back. Also logical consequences or what often works well is removing from the situation and just rocking a bit on my lap.
With both kids I had a big improvement in behavior around 2. I hate 18 months - 2.