Vent: BFF and I are worlds apart on some things

MrsL2B · June 2014

I need to get this out before I overshare with a mutual friend tomorrow and get my big pregnant mouth in trouble.

I love my best friend to death, but she is terrible about hiding when she is displeased about something, even on the rare occasion when she doesn't actually say anything. I'm starting to suspect that she feels like I look down on how she handled her pregnancies. She had her kids 7 & 8 years ago, when she was about 10 years younger than I am now. I'm 37 and diabetic, so I have a high-risk pregnancy; she had normal-risk pregnancies. She has repeatedly questioned why I've had so many screening tests ("Why are you worried about that? I declined all those tests.") and visits to my high-risk specialist ("Wasn't everything ok at your last visit? Why do they need to check you again?"). When I mention facts that I've recently read that I think are really interesting about my developing fetus, she questions why I need to know these things. She'll say something like "Why are you doing so much research? You know people have been having babies with no problems for thousands of years." I told her at lunch yesterday that I'll be delivering at a different hospital than she did, since 1) it's the hospital my doctors use, and 2) it has a higher level NICU, which I think outweigh the fact that the hospital she used is closer to where we both live. She got really quiet for a while, then suggested that I change OBs just so that I can use the closer hospital.

Also, I'm financially stable and have a job where I often have to wear suits or nice dresses. She's a single mother of two who makes a little over half what I make and can wear jeans and t-shirts to work. She keeps throwing out comments about how when she was pregnant, she barely spent any money on maternity clothes and wore the three same giant t-shirts that she got from her dad all the time. That's not exactly an option for me. I need to buy decent-looking maternity clothes, and I've thankfully managed to find a lot of great sales. And she's brought up the "pricey" travel system that I picked out more than once. It's not a bargain-priced car seat and stroller, but it's not exactly expensive, either. I hate that she feels bad that I'm having a different pregnancy experience than she did, but I'm starting to feel like I can't bring up anything about it without it being some kind of slight towards her finances or lack of interest in the development of her children in utero. I think I'm going to have to limit my pregnancy-related conversations with her to obnoxious things my coworkers say about how big I'm getting.

Thanks for letting me get that out. Here are some delicious-looking cupcakes that I can't eat ("But I can still serve them at the baby shower, right?") for your troubles.

Emerald27 · June 2014

This is so tough. Every mother is different. Every pregnancy is different. Every parent-child relationship is different. Also, your wants and needs won't necessarily match hers. Motherhood and parenting are something women can feel SO passionate about, that they don't always remember that each mother needs to find what works for her and her family, that each mother needs to make her own informed decisions. It's easy to think; "I've been there, done that, and I know what's best!" ...when there's not always a "best," or when what's best and perfect for you may be far from best and perfect for another mother.

All that said, this sort of recommendations and suggestions that carry necessity of action (or offense when you make your own, different decision) doesn't typically end at baby's brith. In fact, it's likely to become worse when baby arrives and you get into topics of parenting. I'm sure she will provide LOTS of unsolicited advice regarding parenting, and will be happy to deliver some criticism or judgment when you do something different. It's not that she's a bad person or means to be critical, but she's been there and is passionate about what worked for her, and she wants what's best for you. It's just SO easy to forget that "best" is often relative to the specific parent/family.

My suggestion would be to steer the conversation away from pregnancy and babies as much as possible. That's the easiest way to avoid unsolicited advice, judgment/criticism, and to prevent tension.

lrobi13 · June 2014

Haters gonna hate. Sadly, you are high risk unlike her pregnancies a decade ago.
People look at me all crazy when I speak of all the "new" precautions that have come to light since they had their children.

It is more about how she feels versus what you are doing.

I'm sorry that you have such an elephant in the room with your bff. It probably won't change once the baby is shower actually here either.

persephonerose · June 2014

I'm sorry, that is a really hard thing to deal with. My BFF and I ended our friendship right before I started IVF. We just could not come together any more on topics that I felt were really important. Then one day she said she "pitied me because I did not believe in God and if I would just turn it all over to God I would be happier/able to have a baby".

I miss her constantly but when I needed her support the most she was not able to give it. After I had my son I realized how important it is to be surrounded by those able to support you because raising children is hard!

Do you think a heart to heart with her would change anything?

BreandMikewedding · June 2014

I had my first 10 years ago and my second 2 years ago and I can tell you from experience that so much has changed in pregnancy in those last ten years. I don't think they offered the majority of the tests I have been offered and I'm not even high risk. There is also a lot more to research and make decisions on.

Maybe the next time she makes one of these comments inform her that pregnancy has changed over the last ten years just as it has changed over time. I'm pretty sure she didn't give birth in a cave without any prenatal care after all.

MrsL2B · June 2014

@persephonerose Ouch. I'm sorry you had to end a relationship, but I'd probably do the same if someone was so insensitive.

I think I'm going to have to stick with talking about other topics around her for a while. I've tried explaining the risks associated with being AMA and diabetic, but that just seems to make her clam up, and I can't tell if she's thinking that I'm being neurotic or if she's worried that I might actually have a child with a birth defect or if she's thinking that I'm an idiot for waiting until I got so old to have a baby or if she's regretting the comment that led to my explanation or what. I suppose I could just ask, but I guess I'm afraid of what she might say. I think I could handle her judging me more than I could handle her thinking that I'm judging her, but the latter would be easier to correct. Sorry for thinking "out loud" there, but this has been helpful. I appreciate the feedback!

Lele74 · June 2014

This is tough to go through with your friend. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. I don't have too much more to add but I hope you get some resolution. No one needs to have this kind of stress.

anniec85 · June 2014

I feel for you. It's definitely a hard situation to be in. My mom is similar to your friend. She can't understand why we must do so many tests (which cause worry for parents), why there are different safety recommendations nowadays and she often comments to me that when she was pregnant she never worried and we (her kids) all survived. I just remind her that there's different research today than there was when she was raising kids. Not sure that really helps, but I try to let her comments not bother me. I have to do what I believe is best for my baby.

bumpuser10309732 · June 2014

I'm a little late to the party but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your best friend. Maybe she thinks that since you're doing all these things that are more expensive that in some way you're better than her. It's weird how everything turns into a competition. It's hard when someone you want to talk to all the sudden can't see past their own jealousy to be supportive. I say jealousy because that's what it sounds like to me! I've had a realization with someone who was supposed to be my best friend and it was really hard on me to see that maybe she wasn't such a great friend. I have to talk about other things now with her and I avoid certain topics. The relationship just isn't the same though.

griffers · June 2014

I think it sounds like she is a little jealous of your pregnancy. You have a decent salary, you can afford different things than she can, and on top of that your having lots of testing done and getting attention that she never got. My advice would be to steer clear of the topic as much as possible. When you hang out try to ask her what's going on with her, and if she asks about the pregnancy to be nice keep your answers simple. I know it sucks to not be able to discuss it with your best friend like you want to but if you want to remain friends I think you might have to handle it that way.

MamabytheBeach · June 2014

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated, and I can see why. To play a little devil's advocate, she sounds like a seasoned veteran mom; some of us in that category are a lot more relaxed about...just about everything. My friend just delivered her first baby, and she was so careful, bought the most expensive name-brand things, quit exercising for fear of miscarriage, etc; and I had a similar mindset with my first pregnancy. This time? I don't plan on being pregnant again so I refuse to spend tons of money on dressing my bump. I forgot I wasn't "supposed" to eat sushi until I sent her a picture of my beautiful tuna roll, after I'd wolfed it down, and she freaked out. This time, I know how disgusting young children are and how impractical it is financially to buy top-of-the-line everything. My daughter's adorable stroller, which I lovingly chose after painstakingly researching fabric/safety/etc is covered in crusty pb&j, milk stains, etc lol. Someone asked me at daycare this morning how far along I am, and I just kind of blankly repeated my due date; with my first, I knew exactly how far along I was down to the day! This time I forget I'm pregnant sometimes until I feel a kick. Perhaps she wants you to relax and enjoy the pregnancy but is coming across as insensitive? Or perhaps she feels like you're inadvertently waving in her face your pricey maternity clothes, etc? I don't know. But I do know that shortly after I had my first kiddo I lost my best friend to petty fights because we were in two totally different worlds- and it'd be a shame to let these things get in the way of a real friendship. I hope things get better!

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