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One & Done: Only child
lrichmond86
member
intro but wondering if I belong here
lrichmond86
member
Hello ladies! I've been very active on both my bmb and the loss board, but I feel at times that because of my circumstances issues come up for me that don't quite fit either one.
I delivered my first son December 14, 2011. He was stillborn at 31 weeks. I was diagnosed with pre e a week earlier but it was determined that that was not the cause of death. Ultimately they weren't able to tell us what happened other than that it was just a terrible fluke. We named him Gary after his dad. We were devastated to lose him and it took us a long time to even begin to heal from that.
After our loss we were desperate to become pregnant again and conceived our second child the following October. That pregnancy was medically easy but extremely stressful for me. I was induced at 37 weeks and delivered a beautiful baby girl who is the light of our life!
When dd was four months old I became pregnant again quite by surprise. I wasn't ready for it and told dh that this would be our last pregnancy, but embraced it and looked forward to having another baby in the house.
At 17 weeks my integrated screening came back as abnormal. They thought the baby had down syndrome and scheduled a follow up ultrasound. When we went for the ultrasound they were unable to find the baby's heartbeat. We were devastated all over again. They recommended that I have a d&c because this loss was so much earlier than my previous loss and they thought it would be less emotionally tolling for me. It was terrible. The procedure had to be done in an abortion clinic. Protestors were yelling at us as we went in. Everything was very clinical. There was no compassion at all. I was left feeling like it was all a dream because I never had the chance to hold or see my baby. I've had a very difficult time dealing with that ever since. We didn't find out the baby's gender but named it Riley. They did genetic testing to confirm the downs but they found out that there was nothing chromosomally wrong. The conclusion was that there was a problem with my placenta.
Dh and I talked after our second loss and decided that we would prevent future pregnancies for two reasons: first because we still don't know the cause of either of our babies deaths, and second because I don't think I could handle the stress of another pregnancy and be the kind of mother that dd deserves.
Since then I've had a very hard time dealing with the decision to be one and done. I never imagined that I would only have one child and I'm angry and hurt that this has been taken from me. I don't think I'm dealing with things well at all right now, to be honest. I'm not sure that this is the right board for me, but I feel very alone in this and I'm looking for someone who might have had a similar experience. Many of the women on my bmb are pregnant again and I don't want them to feel uncomfortable posting about their pregnancies because of me and many of the women on the loss board are still hopeful for their rainbow babies. I have no hope for that any more. I'm so thankful for our healthy daughter but our family just doesn't feel finished, although I know it's in everyone's best interest for it to be.
I'm sorry this became a novel. I promise posts won't be this bad in the future. If you've gotten this far thank you. And if I'm in the wrong place, please let me know!
I delivered my first son December 14, 2011. He was stillborn at 31 weeks. I was diagnosed with pre e a week earlier but it was determined that that was not the cause of death. Ultimately they weren't able to tell us what happened other than that it was just a terrible fluke. We named him Gary after his dad. We were devastated to lose him and it took us a long time to even begin to heal from that.
After our loss we were desperate to become pregnant again and conceived our second child the following October. That pregnancy was medically easy but extremely stressful for me. I was induced at 37 weeks and delivered a beautiful baby girl who is the light of our life!
When dd was four months old I became pregnant again quite by surprise. I wasn't ready for it and told dh that this would be our last pregnancy, but embraced it and looked forward to having another baby in the house.
At 17 weeks my integrated screening came back as abnormal. They thought the baby had down syndrome and scheduled a follow up ultrasound. When we went for the ultrasound they were unable to find the baby's heartbeat. We were devastated all over again. They recommended that I have a d&c because this loss was so much earlier than my previous loss and they thought it would be less emotionally tolling for me. It was terrible. The procedure had to be done in an abortion clinic. Protestors were yelling at us as we went in. Everything was very clinical. There was no compassion at all. I was left feeling like it was all a dream because I never had the chance to hold or see my baby. I've had a very difficult time dealing with that ever since. We didn't find out the baby's gender but named it Riley. They did genetic testing to confirm the downs but they found out that there was nothing chromosomally wrong. The conclusion was that there was a problem with my placenta.
Dh and I talked after our second loss and decided that we would prevent future pregnancies for two reasons: first because we still don't know the cause of either of our babies deaths, and second because I don't think I could handle the stress of another pregnancy and be the kind of mother that dd deserves.
Since then I've had a very hard time dealing with the decision to be one and done. I never imagined that I would only have one child and I'm angry and hurt that this has been taken from me. I don't think I'm dealing with things well at all right now, to be honest. I'm not sure that this is the right board for me, but I feel very alone in this and I'm looking for someone who might have had a similar experience. Many of the women on my bmb are pregnant again and I don't want them to feel uncomfortable posting about their pregnancies because of me and many of the women on the loss board are still hopeful for their rainbow babies. I have no hope for that any more. I'm so thankful for our healthy daughter but our family just doesn't feel finished, although I know it's in everyone's best interest for it to be.
I'm sorry this became a novel. I promise posts won't be this bad in the future. If you've gotten this far thank you. And if I'm in the wrong place, please let me know!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: intro but wondering if I belong here
I also want to reiterate what pps have said - we are all here for different reasons and are in different circumstances. Some are here by choice, some by situation and some are medically oad. There are even some fence sitters- and everyone's welcome.
We are a small, but fun and close group. Please stay and contribute as much (or as little) as you like.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Like others said, check out the board. There are all types here. You may find it to be a good fit.
Hi.
I am so sorry to hear about your losses and I cannot imagine how hard it must be.
You're more than welcome to post here since we do have a few ladies who are OaD due to medical reasons. We'd love to have you!
our one and only *
DS - 2011
I'm sorry for your loss.