surrogacy or freezing embryos for years?

kyethra · June 2014

I have a lovely 2.5 year old boy. When I was 27 I was dx with unexplained infertility and we were about to do our lupron cycle for IVF (after five failed IUIs) when I got pregnant. Pregnancy was awful for me-- I happen to have narcolepsy, a neurological sleep condition, and needed to nap during the day. I felt terrible and my brain got so foggy I couldn't work effectively. Then I developed pre-eclampsia and bed rest and then hospitalization before my son was delivered at 35 weeks via c section. Breastfeed was a terrible 10.5 months of exclusive pumping. Then I was able to get back on one of my medications and stay awake and not be stupid and have my life back again.

Now, after four years of looking I have landed my dream teaching job. I am so happy, and it is so perfect. But I am a little concerned as I think maybe this means no pregnancy until I get tenure, which would be when I am 36. For someone with a history of infertility in her 20s, that feels too old. I could nap during lunch and maybe during a prep period, but I worry that wouldn't be enough and I couldn't teach effectively and then it would be bye bye wonderful job. And I cannot afford years of looking again ( I am geographically restricted and cannot do long commute for the obvious reason of driving too far in the dark early morning). Four years no job is a lot more money than one surrogacy. Is that crazy?

We do want another child so much. And I can deal with the shots, etc. It is what happens after when I fall asleep and cannot keep clear headed at work and feel so so terrible that makes me dread things. I have thought about my medications, but there is potential it could harm the baby. Is this a legit reason for surrogacy? I feel like with all of these risks I need to either freeze some embryos next summer and then wait a few years until tenure (which is longer than I would like) or just really consider surrogacy. Part of me feels like a bad mother because I would consider a job so highly, but I learned with this one that I am much better as a working mother than a not working one (I am currently self employed and make very little). Plus with student loans we cannot afford for me to not work long run, and with this I get lots of family time during the summers and holidays. I could save up enough to at least get started in a year or two and then make monthly payments toward the rest of the expenses.

Thoughts?

lincoln79 · June 2014

Ethical guidelines indicate that gestational carriers (gestational surrogacy) is appropriate when a medical conditions or failure to sustain a pregnancy require it.

I'm sure narcolepsy is a difficult condition to explain to others, I have dealt with autoimmune conditions for years where others just couldn't get how crappy I felt. I have a couple of suggestions:

1) If you are in a state where teaching is unionized, speak with a union representative in hypothetical terms. If you got pregnant again, could you work part time for just that year? If you needed to take the year of for confirmed medical reasons, what would happen to your job?

2) Go the FET route 36 can seem ancient, but I will be 35 by the time our LO is born and my mother was 36 when I was born. This would also give you a shot at doing a great job at a career you have worked so hard for.

3) Surrogacy is not cheap or easy. We arrived here after we ran out of every other option. Please be sure to thoroughly investigate the costs (financial and otherwise) to doing this process.

I think you are wise to investigate all your options and am happy to answer any additional questions about being an IP.

ArgyleBride · June 2014

Surely you cannot legally be fired for medical conditions arising from pregnancy--can you?

I am going to be honest with you. I think you will have a hard time finding someone who would carry for you because you are afraid of how pregnancy would affect your job, however valid those concerns may be. Does your school have a handbook explaining medical and pregnancy policies? That's where I'd look first.

Mrs.McIrish · June 2014

A few things to point out: I think you would need to freeze your embryos regardless in order to have them to transfer to a gestational carrier. A tradition surrogate is harder to do these days ( I think) as most don't use the carrier's eggs. Are you talking about using an egg donor and then transferring to a GC?? I'm not sure which combination you are thinking about. As for whether your medical condition warrants using a carrier, I personally think it could but I don't know If you have any idea how expensive all this is?? I could be wrong but my impression is that this would cost in the $70K to $100K range depending on using an agency, paying for donor eggs, paying the carrier etc... Just food for thought...

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kyethra · June 2014

I have read the contract and it says a couple of things about being placed on medical leave and then returning to job duties, which is encouraging. But I am not sure about that if the medical leave is 6 months. I was discussing this with DH and he said that maybe if we timed it right and IVF took the first time, it might be doable. The first trimester was probably the most bearable, so I could work during that, then maybe a couple of weeks of the second until summer break. Then most of that would be done by the time the next school year started and I could take fmla time for the remainder if I had to. I cannot bring myself to breast feed more than a couple of weeks the next time around, and ideally I wouldn't need too much time off. Last time I had a C section followed by bed-rest and my doctor said I needed to stay off work for 12 weeks, and I had baby blues for 6-8 weeks, but I would hope to carry to term and avoid bed rest the second time around.

And yes, I did mean Gestational Surrogacy. I will be doing IVF anyway since I plan on doing PGD because Autism runs in the family, and my toddler has always had a speech delay, and I do not feel comfortable rolling the dice on that again. So if we do decide to try and time things correctly for that and it doesn't work I would, I hope, likely have a couple of embryos left Of course that is odd thing with unexplained infertility. all the tests came back normal, but the timing of when I actually got pregnant is odd. According my RE, my hormones are a likely a little wacky. So if there are issues with eggs and so forth, I wouldn't know until we try IVF.

I think right now my plan is to see how things go at the new job and so forth. I do realize surrogacy is expensive-- I would probably try to do it without an agency and shoot for a budget of $60000. I have considered international surrogacy since that is more affordable but I know that is a different animal in terms of how things are done, and I would prefer not to.

I like the idea of talking to my union rep before I do make any final decisions. I had not thought of that! That way I will know exactly what my risks and protections are.

poohniki · June 2014

Hi. Just wanted to chime in, in case you happen to be a teacher in NJ.

The union doesn't actually represent non-tenured teachers (but, yeah, you still have to pay) and you can be fired without being given a reason until you are tenured- which makes things very sticky.

Also, see about signing up for AFLAC or another disability insurance since teachers do not get disability pay.

But if you happen to be in another state- I'd just check up on those things. I know I waited for my first IVF cycle until I was 5 months from tenure.. good luck

JM1977 · June 2014

NariaDreaming said:

kyethra said:

And yes, I did mean Gestational Surrogacy. I will be doing IVF anyway since I plan on doing PGD because Autism runs in the family, and my toddler has always had a speech delay, and I do not feel comfortable rolling the dice on that again.

::::Dirty Lurker::::

I was unaware that they could screen for autism with PGD. Honestly curious about it as one of our biggest hangups with ICSI is the increased (though still minuscule) risk of ASD.

Although ASD does have a genetic component of some kind, I am pretty sure the science of that is not at a place where it can be detected by something like PGD. I think that only tests for the chromosomal abnormalities...

Mrs.McIrish · June 2014

JM1977 said:

NariaDreaming said:

kyethra said:

And yes, I did mean Gestational Surrogacy. I will be doing IVF anyway since I plan on doing PGD because Autism runs in the family, and my toddler has always had a speech delay, and I do not feel comfortable rolling the dice on that again.

::::Dirty Lurker::::

I was unaware that they could screen for autism with PGD. Honestly curious about it as one of our biggest hangups with ICSI is the increased (though still minuscule) risk of ASD.

Although ASD does have a genetic component of some kind, I am pretty sure the science of that is not at a place where it can be detected by something like PGD. I think that only tests for the chromosomal abnormalities...
I agree with this. I just had an amnio done and it specifically used the example that karotyping does not cover things like autism.

kyethra · July 2014

I would not do ICSI due to the increase if risk if it is not needed. But I can use PGD for screening for gender. The math of autism is simple in that it is 4:1 males to females. Males are at a much higher risk. Right now I can plan on talking to the union rep and getting an idea of things sometime during the school year, and also looking at the financing. I figure next summer I will plan on getting embryos and see.

I do feel odd to even consider surrogacy because I can get pregnant, despite my difficulties doing so. It just so happens that pregnancy means my ability to function in those various areas-- work, driving, motherhood is greatly reduced and questionable. That grey area is what gives me pause. Right now my DS is able to unlock the door and let himself off and we have to be after him in a flash if he manages, but we are watching him and can do that or prevent it. But what if I am sleeping and can't stop him?

These past couple of weeks I have been a little under the weather-- maybe a cold or not enough vitamins or something and the headache and tiredness have me taking plenty of caffeine to make sure I am ok to drive and work, and this was such a reminder to me of how disabling pregnancy is because it is the tiredness only 10 times worse and minus the medications that make me functional.

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surrogacy or freezing embryos for years?

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