Struggling with the concept of a real baby...

kateitho · June 2014

I have been struggling lately. I am so excited and happy to be pregnant right now, but I think after all of our troubles making it to this point, I've become hyper-focused on pregnancy. I feel wholly overwhelmed by the idea of us actually bringing home our baby. This has been a two year journey for us, and I know many of you have struggled for much longer. I almost can't describe how I'm feeling.

I feel so attached to this pregnancy, and I love feeling our baby kick and move, but the concept of him actually being born and here with us seems so foreign to me. I don't want to tell DH how scared I am, but I am really terrified of my baby. I don't know if I'll actually be a good mother once he is here. Now that we are finally getting what we've tried so hard to reach, I feel like I'm being swallowed by self doubt. I want to be a mother to a living baby so badly, but do I know what that means?

My nursery is full of things for our baby. The crib is set up, but I can't seem to get to the point of actually finishing his room. I am so afraid he will be taken away from us before he gets to use it.. I almost feel like I am afraid to love our baby right now. I don't know what to do. I've typed and deleted this post several times over the last week, but today I'm posting it in hopes of finding something or someone to help me through this strange time.

Thank you for reading,

Kate

E&B0811 · June 2014

((((hugs)))). I'm much earlier in my pregnancy than you are in yours, but I can totally relate to what you are saying. For so long the objective was to "just" (I say just very tongue in cheek) get pregnant and stay pregnant. Each milestone I approach and pass feels exciting - particularly now where each day I can say that I am the most pregnant I have ever been - but often the milestones also freak me out because the closer I get to a rainbow the scarier it is to think (a) I'm going to be a mom....I hope and (b) what if I haven't allowed myself to enjoy this enough to really bond with the baby?

I get what you are saying about being afraid to love your baby. Like if you don't put your whole heart and soul into it if, God forbid, the worst happens, then somehow you have protected yourself. I know I use that as a coping trick but honestly I know it's total bs. I love this baby. If something happens, I'll be destroyed. Trying to make the experience anything other than what it is won't protect me or you. You know what I mean?

Finally, although this is scary and unsettling stuff, I have to believe that most new moms feel the same or similarly. I mean, you are going to be a mommy to an outside baby! That's some seriously grown up stuff. Exciting, scary and wonderful all at the same time. A part of me thinks that if a person weren't feeling at least a little of what you describe, then maybe they are not fully aware of what they have gotten themselves into.

So many (((hugs)))..

rmpar29 · June 2014

I'm so sorry that you are struggling. I can tell you that no one "know" how to be a good mother before their baby is born. It's something that you figure out as you go along. Some things are instinctual, if your baby cries, he/she is probably hungry, or needs a diaper change, or needs some soothing, or is gassy, or is hot/cold, etc... It's a trial and error kind of thing. You just keep trying different things until something works. It gets easier over time. You learn that different cries mean different things and that your baby gives you clues as to what he/she needs. But, yes, those first few weeks/months are terrifying for any first (or second/third/etc) time mom. Just give yourself some time to adjust and you will do fine.

No one is a perfect mother. There are times that I'm too short with my boys, or don't give them the attention that they deserve. The goal is to make sure that your kids are happy most of the time and that they are taken care of. As long as you are doing that...you are a terrific mother!!!

I would definitely share your fears with DH. Chances are, he's feeling the same way, or possibly even worse. I know my DH had no clue how to handle a baby (he'd never been around babies before) so he was even more clueless than I was. Once we aired our fears, we were on the same team again and it felt great knowing he had my back and I had his!

Try to relax and rest up. Your baby will be here before you know it and it will take some time, but you will adjust to your new "normal". (((((HUGS)))))

Belle3184 · June 2014

(((Hugs))) I went through something similar before I had DD. I went through so much with that pregnancy, so many complications, and I just couldn't see myself with a baby. I was so scared of trying to take care of a tiny baby and I felt like I was in over my head.

So first of, please know that everything you're feeling is normal. Second of all, try to not put too much pressure on yourself and keep in mind there are no perfect parents. A million people will try to give you advice and it gets very overwhelming. You will figure out quickly what works for you and your LO. Good luck.

mmsweeney1 · June 2014

I can relate to your feelings too. I can even relate to that awful feeling that you have nowhere to turn to express these things except the pgal board! Like someone already said, a successful pregnancy becomes the whole focus and you almost lose the fact that a baby is coming soon. I have also felt afraid to love my baby, but of course I do. When I take two seconds to imagine them placing her on my chest for the first time in the hospital and tears spring immediately to my eyes, that's how I know I love her. We'll figure out the mom business and give our babies all the love they deserve. I hope you have a great summer getting ready for your little guy!

LifeofCat · June 2014

Big (((hugs))) to you. No wonder we're LB, because I too was thinking of this just last night. I'm pretty terrified. I love her and am enjoying my pregnancy, but am also so worried about what it's going to be like "on the other side". It almost won't feel real until she's in my arms healthy, and even then, at that point, I'm worried that I won't have a clue what to do and will be way too overwhelmed. With my mother gone, my dad nervous at the thought of just holding a newborn and my inlaws away (and not in good health anyways), I fear I won't have much of a support system, when I'm so used to relying on friends & family to help me pull through. It's scary.

I'm sure my DH is nervous too, but we don't want to say it out loud...we should. You should talk about it with your DH, as hard as it is. I will do the same, I promise!

Thanks for being couragous and sharing your fears with us; we're here to support each other!

Deep down, I trust that we will do our best to take care of our little ones. I'm just a DM away (((hugs)))

megbmeg · June 2014

I'm so sorry you're struggling now, but I'm also so glad you decided to post about it. I am much earlier in my pregnancy, but what you said resonates a lot. I've definitely been so focused on TTC and trying to stay pregnant, that even starting to think about the baby being an actual baby is foreign and overwhelming. And that makes me feel guilty since I've been trying so hard to have this baby, how can I now be scared of it? What I'm trying to say is that you definitely aren't alone in your fears. Hang in there!!

kateitho · June 2014

Thank you for all the advice and kind words Ladies. You are really helping me feel more normal and less alone. I used to be a baby nanny, and have ran an in-home daycare. I think the scariest part is no one is actually giving me advice. They just tell me that I'll do great... Hopefully, everyone's right.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

((Hugs)) I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with this. I think it's a pretty normal feeling though, for FTMs especially, so don't beat yourself up over it. I'm kind of in the same boat... I'm taking the pregnancy day by day and celebrating the milestones. It's so exciting to feel my LO kicking away in there! But it's also weird when I try to picture the actual birth and having him as a real live baby to hold. Like you said, it's a strangely foreign thought. Sometimes it feels like it will never happen. I've literally made zero purchases for him because sometimes it just doesn't feel real. Like this will all be taken away from me somehow before it's even begun.

So I know where you're coming from. I'm sure many ladies in here do, too. You are not alone! Hang in there and "just keep swimming"

2redtulips · June 2014

I am feeling a little bit of the same apprehension, and I honestly think it's normal. As a FTM, I don't really know what it will be like to have a baby in the house. I can imagine, but that only takes me so far.

I am trying to trust that it is like any other major life change - you adjust because you have to. I also have a feeling we all know more than we think we know when it comes to being a parent. We all have that instinct buried deep inside.

The pgal aspect makes it extra hard, and I totally get that as well. It's ok. Let yourself feel what you feel in the moment. That bonding and love will happen in good time.

HUGS.

SamanthaLaura16 · June 2014

((Hugs)) I am still very early in my pregnancy but I feel the same way. I am taking things day by day, appointment by appointment. The thought of actually having a baby at the end of this whole process still feels so surreal.

jenkellen · June 2014

Completely normal! I feel this way too.

I was just over my friends house yesterday. Her baby was a week old and she was beat. But so so happy! She's like we have no idea what we are doing but we'll figure it out together. Great advice. I figure my baby will forget how clueless I was at the start

I've also told my husband to expect a flip out sometime in 3rd tri about what you posted.

2redtulips · June 2014

jenkellen said:

I've also told my husband to expect a flip out sometime in 3rd tri about what you posted.

I need to warn my husband as well, because I feel the flip-out coming on. I have a feeling he'll join me in feeling a little nervous, though.

longcat07 · June 2014

(((hugs))) you're not feeling anything out of the ordinary. totally normal.

i remember feeling that way before DS was born, and i didn't have the difficulties you and many others had getting pregnant with him. i'll wager the feelings are probably more pronounced because of your experiences though. once that baby is on the outside, everything changes. you aren't magically more secure in your instincts, but they do kick in and you don't really have a lot of time to think about it (survival, a PPer called it...a very apt description). easier said than done, i know, but trust that your instincts will be sound when the time comes.

creativesoul83 · June 2014

you are not alone at all!!! It was like you were speaking for me. as a ftm who has gone through a lot and wanted this so bad then think it will never happen then it is in your grasp. then is this real??

from what I was told by a few that as aftm this happens. most people go through this because you can read andresearch and ask for all the advice but you may get a curve ball.

I am very excited for you!!! It is do great you are here and so far along. It is hard to imagine a little tiny being dependent on you is coming.

we are all born with instinct! honey. I am going to say have you ever met someone and thought geez she is a mom I can't believe her child has survived that long?? well just know your going to be awesome. when little man gets here it will be strange but instinct will set in and boom you got this.

also having nanny experience puts you in a better place then most. I have changed maybe 3diapers in my life. I had to baby sit my nephew and had never had any experience and no one showed me. he survived minus the site conditioner grate falling on him. No damage.

It will come natural.

sorry my typing is off on mobile and screen is acting up.

kateitho · June 2014

I talked to DH about it last night, and he reassured me that we're going to be okay. He said in his opinion, says long as they don't make a Lifetime movie about us, he'll consider us successful parents. Nobody's drowning anyone in the bathtub, and I promised not to end up on Snapped. I love my DH!

cmhawkins1709 · June 2014

I can definitely relate...I went through the same emotions, thoughts and had the same fears while pregnant with DD. After nearly three years of TTC and a miscarriage, I couldn't believe I was pregnant with a healthy child. I obsessed over everything. I couldn't bond well. I cried for fear I'd be a horrible mom. I remember bringing her home that first day and just sitting down on the sofa, holding her and marveling at her beauty while sobbing uncontrollably and just not having any clue about what to do with my very much alive, very much *here* baby. But after the first hour, those fears, those worries, completely abated and I was just her mom, plain and simple. Being as I've been through it once, you'd think this time around would be different. Nope. Having had a loss in between DD and this pregnancy, I feel just the same as I did the first time. I want to be elated and excited and full of joy and hope. Instead, I'm full of fear and trepidation, and every time I wipe I expect to see blood on the tissue. It just seems surreal to me that at the end of this I might have a second, healthy child to bring home. It's terrifying, being pregnant after loss(es). You're not alone, mama. You're going to be great. Really. Women like us, who have been through such trial, typically make the best moms ever.

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