Need to vent: registry "feedback"

crystaldh · June 2014

My much younger cousin, who had her first baby last year and apparently now KNOWS EVERYTHING sent me a message to tell me that she just saw my registry and I have a lot of "cute things" but then proceeded to suggest everything she got, instead of what I registered for (with links and everything) because it's organic or non-toxic or just more convenient. She even suggested getting me other sheets as opposed to the ones I registered for (that I picked because they go with my bedskirt), I just need to tell her "what color I want." (I want the damn sheets I registered for!)

I'm sure she means well, and she can get me whatever she wants or nothing at all, but who gives "critiques" of other people's registries. WHO DOES THAT?

Now I feel guilty that the mattress I registered for isn't organic!!!!!!

jess123456 · June 2014

So sorry. First you definitely shouldn't feel bad. She's in the wrong here. Second, if it were me I would say "thanks for your suggestions but we are happy with what we picked". This is your baby and not hers. Maybe she thinks she is "helping" but this would really rub me the wrong way.

Kehlepop · June 2014

That would annoy me so much!
I'm not very tactful so I would probably blurt out some snide comments.

Tell her thanks for the input, but you've looked at her items and after research, you've decided that yours are better for you and your baby.

Lilwatz · June 2014

My sister did that with me. She meant well (I think...) but she listed all of the "controversial" items on my registry and made a case for me to go organic. I thanked her for her input. And ignored most of it. (She did tell me about the aden and anais swaddles--and I am grateful).

crystaldh · June 2014

Yes! It's so annoying. I just thanked her for her suggestions, but I really had to bite my tongue!

It feel like I've been shamed too because I guess I registered for a mattress that has toxins in it, but the organic mattress is so much more expensive!

This is the same cousin who told my SIL that her daughter got sick with meningitis because she didn't breastfeed! That went over well.

aa98 · June 2014

I would be so annoyed! It's like being pregnant is an open invitation for unsolicited advice from one and all. Though I would appreciate input from my 2 SIL about what brands to register for, the decision is ultimately mine and giving me a negative critique is certainly not the way to make me see someone else's side. I'd just say thanks for the advice, I think I'm going to stick with my choices.

momtojad · June 2014

my son sleeps on a $49 safety first mattress, we have the naturepedic and he flips out. He likes the rock solid cheap one which I am sure for the price is full of toxins. Tell her to slow her roll.

nicnac817 · June 2014

It only gets worse. Everyone and their mother is going to give you advice you don't want. Don't use this, go buy that blah blah blah.... it's super annoying and it's only the beginning! Good luck with her. Sounds like she is going to drive you nuts. Side note: Whatever people buy you that you don't want, return. Get what you want. It's your kiddo!

crystaldh · June 2014

That's what I'll do, @nicnac817. I guess it's time to start practicing diplomacy.

missnacholover · June 2014

Fuck her and the high horse she rode in on.

Autumnsnow · June 2014

missnacholover said:

Fuck her and the high horse she rode in on.

This exactly...

crystaldh · June 2014

@kyliedaniellexx I wish I would have thought of that comeback!

@missnacholover Yes!!!!

HappyToBeHere · June 2014

Did SHE grow up with strictly "organic" products? No. Likely not. I don't take well to this type of situation either - I'd say "thanks for your input!" and then just continue on my merry way.

JamieK1882 · June 2014

As other ppl said, she probably thinks she is being helpful but try to ignore her. Personally I HATE when people don't buy from my registry. If they have some random good idea that's one thing, but if I registered for certain sheets, those are the sheets I want damnit!

mander82 · June 2014

I wondered this about registries.....like is there a way to keep it private until I am done working on it ? Or can everyone see it the day I create it ?

I don't want people neb shitting into my registry until I have completed my final copy of the masterpiece

dr_pr · June 2014

mander82 said:

I wondered this about registries.....like is there a way to keep it private until I am done working on it ? Or can everyone see it the day I create it ?

I don't want people neb shitting into my registry until I have completed my final copy of the masterpiece

I don't know if you can hide it somehow, but I just didn't tell people where I was registered until I was all done! They may figure it out if you're at BRU or BBB, but mostly people wait for the mom to say something and don't just randomly check out baby store registries!

moroccojade · June 2014

Lilwatz said:

My sister did that with me. She meant well (I think...) but she listed all of the "controversial" items on my registry and made a case for me to go organic. I thanked her for her input. And ignored most of it. (She did tell me about the aden and anais swaddles--and I am grateful).

I would definitely take a lot of what she says with a large shaker of salt... Although, hey.. I think Lil makes a valid point, too. This cousin actually might have a good suggestion or two in there. Crib mattresses aside... It might be worth it to have a look at a couple of her recs... Some might actually be good. (Am I grasping, here? lol.)

colstj1 · June 2014

Wow. I don't blame you for being upset. I would be too. And don't feel bad about the items you registered for. And like a PP said maybe just thank her for her ideas and opinons but let her know you are happy with what you chose.

AnnieRoo13 · June 2014

mander82 said:

I wondered this about registries.....like is there a way to keep it private until I am done working on it ? Or can everyone see it the day I create it ?

I don't want people neb shitting into my registry until I have completed my final copy of the masterpiece

I remember someone suggesting that you put your last name as your first name and your first as your last until you're ready to unveil your masterpiece to the world and then you can edit it to change your name.

I started mine under my real name and I'm wondering if my SIL is on the judging my shit.

DoubleUp8 · June 2014

missnacholover said:

Fuck her and the high horse she rode in on.

hiketheworld · June 2014

mander82 said:
I wondered this about registries.....like is there a way to keep it private until I am done working on it ? Or can everyone see it the day I create it ?

I don't want people neb shitting into my registry until I have completed my final copy of the masterpiece

You can hide an amazon registry but not a BRU one. I'm putting everything on amazon for now but will likely move things over to BRU when I'm ready for it to be public

crystaldh · June 2014

@moroccojade She may very well have some good points. But the delivery is all wrong.

KTgator · June 2014

That sinks

the only time I've ever not bought from the list was when a friend registered for a cheaper carrier, and I told her I was happy to buy her a more expensive one bc my mom, sister, and I were going in on it (and let her pick it out and tell me which one to buy). They travel a lot, so I wanted to spring for a more expensive one bc I knew it would be more comfortable and last them longer.

I had plenary of people laugh at my idea to cloth diaper last time and refuse to buy from my list bc of it. Why do people feel the need to constantly critique each other?

abbyful · June 2014

Wow, rude! I would never actually tell someone their registry sucks.

There's been times I think what's on the list aren't the best options, so I either don't buy those things or buy a better version (like if they registered for receiving blankets, I might get then Aden & Anais blankets instead). I usually go half on-registry and half off-registry.

Nfranco973 · June 2014

crystaldh said:
My much younger cousin, who had her first baby last year and apparently now KNOWS EVERYTHING sent me a message to tell me that she just saw my registry and I have a lot of "cute things" but then proceeded to suggest everything she got, instead of what I registered for (with links and everything) because it's organic or non-toxic or just more convenient. She even suggested getting me other sheets as opposed to the ones I registered for (that I picked because they go with my bedskirt), I just need to tell her "what color I want." (I want the damn sheets I registered for!)
I'm sure she means well, and she can get me whatever she wants or nothing at all, but who gives "critiques" of other people's registries. WHO DOES THAT?
Now I feel guilty that the mattress I registered for isn't organic!!!!!!

That would annoy me as well. To each it's own. Put on the list what you like and think you will use. Everything ain't for everybody.

crystaldh · June 2014

@abbyful @KTgator That's the polite thing to do . . . but aside from the sheets, she wasn't even offering to buy the other things for me! Sheesh....

BlackBooks · June 2014

I just finished reading Baby 411 and the section on environmental toxins covered mattresses. The authors basically concluded that you could buy an organic mattress but you should put a waterproof cover on it otherwise it is going to get soaked in bacteria breeding puddles of baby poop, pee and puke. And that cover will be made of vinyl or other chemicals so why not just buy a regular mattress? A good point, I thought. Tell your cousin that her baby is sleeping in fecal juice and see what her reaction is!

Edited to changer sister to cousin

KLKilgore · June 2014

This is the only thing I am not enjoying about being pregnant. I love suggestions and feedback, but please don't lecture me about what I do or do not need. My cousin is doing this and it is driving me nuts!!! What I find most ironic is that she spent her entire pregnancy complaining about her mom telling her what to do. I know she means well. I have found that if I explain my reasoning for wanting what she tells me I don't need, she stops.

crystaldh · June 2014

@BlackBooks Hilarious!

alysonmh · June 2014

Don't let someone else make you feel guilty about your choices, they are YOUR choices to make. Nothing is going to happen to your baby if you don't purchase everything organic, it's a nice option but not a neccesity. I guarantee most of us didn't have a non-toxic mattress and we are all still here. Not to say that some of her advice couldn't be helpful but it seems like she is giving advice based on her personal preferences so it just may not work for you. Just say thank you for your advice but we are happy with our choices for our registery.

moroccojade · June 2014

crystaldh said:

@moroccojade She may very well have some good points. But the delivery is all wrong.

@crystaldh --- Hey, I admitted I was grasping!

I had boring professors in university that delivered their course material all wrong... But it didn't mean that the info was useless.

Sometimes we need to give people the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully the OP's cousin's heart was in the right place. (Unless she works for a store that only sells organic crib mattresses... in that case - her heart was just looking for commission...)

meeshybee · June 2014

kyliedaniellexx said:

In a University of California at Berkeley study, of 223 pregnant women studied, more than 97% had PBDEs in their blood. My point is an organic mattress, or anything else, really isn't going to make that much of a difference. Most experts agree buying 'organic' is a waste of money unless you are ingesting the product. If I were you, I would tell her that you are purposefully buying nonorganic because you are trying to make the baby fireproof. Then again I'm a snarky biotch. Don't feel guilty about what you have registered for. If it was truly unsafe for your baby it wouldn't be on the shelves.

OMG, I am so saying this if my family brings it up. I'm almost disappointed that they're not likely too.

jillybean7582 · June 2014

"Don't feel guilty about what you have registered for. If it was truly unsafe for your baby it wouldn't be on the shelves."

While I totally agree what your cousin did was super rude and I would be mad too I don't think this statement is true at all.

There are plenty of products out there that truly are not safe for babies. For example, bumpers for cribs and any after market accessory that goes on carseats not made/crash tested with that particular carseat. Please don't assume that because they sell it its safe. Do your research and ask advice from trusted friends/family if your unsure. But not this cousin she sounds like a judgemental know it all.

Edited because I apparently can't use the quote function this morning.

mamatohne · June 2014

The way I see it, organic mattress or not your baby is not going to sleep on it all the time anyway. Even if you decide to buy organic, will you buy organic cover for your swing, carseat, rock n play, high chair, or playmat? For the first 7 months he slept in all of these places way more often then his crib.

Don't let someone else make you feel guilty about the choices you make. I would politely tell her "thanks for the advice but you and you so want to do this together, if you have questions you'll be sure to ask."
And just don't ask!
Good luck!

crystaldh · June 2014

@tarynleann Good point! Do they even make organic car seats, swings and play mats? Ha!

crystaldh · June 2014

@jillybean7582 I knew that about bumpers, but I didn't know that about car seat accessories! Wow!

crystaldh · June 2014

@moroccojade I think my cousin meant well, she just has poor social skills. Really poor!

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