Second thoughts

RNCrystal · June 2014

I'm not much of a religious person but DH and I both strongly believe - everything happens for a reason. Lately I've been thinking maybe there is a reason we have never become pregnant naturally - maybe it's not meant to be

I know I shouldn't feel this way but I just can't help it. Anyone else have these thoughts?
Sorry for negative vibes

Sha259 · June 2014

You are not alone. I think many of us may go through a phase of similar feelings. I know I still do. Every time I pray, and still have never gotten a positive, in over 10 years of marriage and 2+ years of actively TTC. I wonder if I am being selfish for wanting it so bad, when I do have many things to be thankful for in my life. But if faith gives you anything, it gives you hope. Even with all the failures TTC, I am still hopeful that it will happen. Maybe not in my timing, but His timing, and any timing at all is good enough for me!!

Chin up, and I hope you start to feel a little better. (((HUGS)))

BunnyBerry · June 2014

I'm sorry you're struggling with these tough feelings. Prayer and meditation on God's word guides my decisions and helps me find peace when I have guilty or hopeless feelings.

Prayer has been especially important to me to figure out that fine line between selfishness/desperation and a pure, healthy desire created by God. I find comfort knowing that sometimes the greatest blessings and miracles can come only after a long wait and almost giving up hope. I love the Bible verse that encourages us to continue asking for good things.

I make sure to include not only the words "if it be your will" but also quiet my heart's longing to truly feel open to God's will, whatever it is, when praying for a child.

I know you said you are not very religious, so I am sorry if this is not really applicable to your situation, but I thought I'd share what has worked for me when those feelings arise.

csy2947 · June 2014

I literally just had this conversation with someone this morning. This friend gave me a 'if its meant to be' line and I was like, I HATE that because it seems like it actually WASN'T meant to be here, and that I am making it happen.

I am also not very religious, and I don't really believe everything happens for a reason, so I'm not sure if my advice will help at all but I try to think about it like...taking control. Remember that bad stuff happens for no reason all the time and that if we could prevent it we would. This is kind of OT and perhaps TMI but my 17 year old brother died a few years ago when he was struck by a car and it was the worst thing that will (hopefully) ever happen to me and my family. I think to myself that that is a terrible thing that could not have been meant to be and if I had any means to go back in time and change that thing, change that particular twist of fate, I would do literally anything. I try to use that thinking about IF all the time, because in this case I do have the means to change or fight a curveball that life has thrown at me. And you can't feel guilty about taking those chances when they come along, because life is full of curveballs that will just hit you smack in the face and there's nothing you can do about it.

When I'm really struggling with this I tell myself a little mantra of things that help bring me more peace around it...

Be grateful that I exist in a time where medicine can help me accomplish this thing that I have always wanted. Be grateful that I live in a country and have the means to be pursuing this kind of intervention. Be grateful that I live in a time where even if all medicine fails me, I may eventually be able to find motherhood through adoption. Pain and suffering passes, it ebbs and flows, patience will take me from this hard place to a better one soon.

A little cheesy but I hope it helps, I have struggled with this a lot :-/

KT416 · June 2014

To be honest, I sometimes hate the "what's meant to be is meant to be" mantra. I really think anything worth it in life is worth fighting for. Sometimes the journey makes you appreciate what you do have so much more, and no one will just hand you stuff in life.

However, sometimes I do have doubts whether or not "it is meant to be" especially when there's so many crazy shootings and so many things that are happening around us that is hard to control.

I am trying to keep an open mind and remind myself it is okay to change mantras and feeling in the future, but right now my mantra is to fight for what you want. We will see what the future will bring.

Pintobean39 · June 2014

Yes and then I remind myself of the story behind the pomegranate tree. I may have thought of this one night after LOTS and LOTS of wine but I still think of this every time I'm feeling like it's not going to happen.

I have a pomegranate tree in my yard that produces blooms but never any fruit. It's small and not very old. When I bought it they guy said the fruit will fall off until the branches are strong enough to hold the fruit. He also told me to lightly prune it on the tips to encourage new growth in the spring because it encourages blooms. So I think of that tree as our journey through marriage and all that we have gone through. Every difficult situation is basically small pruning of our marriage to make it stronger and we are so much stronger as a couple than we were 3 yrs ago.

I'm not a huge religious person but I just have faith it will happen one day. I also think my tree will have fruit one day too. :-)

nswain85 · June 2014

I'm so sorry that you're struggling right now

I am not super religious but do occasionally pray and feel like there is something greater than me in the universe that knows my plan but I don't necessairly take comfort in it. The "meant to be" bit makes me become hostile, lol.

Trying to stick with the "just roll with it" idea has been something that I have tried to be better at and adapt to. At some point I realized that I can't control this and guess I just sort of accepted it. I do know that one day I will get my baby through some way and when I do I will know that we went through hell and back to get them and that they will only mean that much more to me. Trying to stay positive is half the battle of this whole mess. There are always going to be highs and lows but being able to pull yourself out of the lows is what will keep you going. Good luck and big hugs!!!

chicory · June 2014

I think you can beleive that everything happens for a reason while still having faith that you will get to be parents. Just because things happen for a reason, to me, doesn't mean that it is "not meant to be" for me to have children. I am religious and IF has simultaneously tested my faith and helped me grow in faith (same for my DH.) A few months ago my pastor gave a sermon that really spoke to me, and I think the message can be applied whether you're religious or not. I use the word God, but if that's not comfortable, fill in what works for you: bad things happen to good people, but it doesn't mean that was God's plan. We are not God's puppets and our fate is not predetermined. Here's my take: shitty stuff (inertility) happens to good people (everyone on this board.) We all have the freedom to use modern advancements (to the level we're comfortable) and have a hand in this. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. It's important either way to find a way to be at peace with whatever your journey and outcome might be.

ronniesgirl1981 · June 2014

I'm so sorry that you are feeling doubt.

I am not an everything-happens-for-a-reason type of person. I think this mentality works well when we are speaking of good things, but not bad. You wouldn't say that about someone that got hit by a bus.

I think this is a deeply personal decision, here's where I am:

sundaybrunch · June 2014

Yes! I've been really good during this whole IF process (in my opinion at least, DH might beg to differ) and doing my best to just go with it, but have lately been feeling like it might be time to give it up and focus on making the rest of my life fulfilling and exciting instead of constantly having this giant IF ONLY pop up constantly. I mean, I'm certainly not putting life on hold and putting every ounce of energy towards IF, but I do seem to have a tough time filtering out thoughts like "i wish that was me pushing that kid on a swing" or "i wish i had a little girl to buy that adorable dress for" or, as awful as this sounds, "i hope my SIL doesn't get pregnant before I do - as the oldest I want to have the first grandchild". If we consciously decided to stop trying, and live our lives CFBC, would life be/seem better? I don't know. It's just so confusing and I have a hard time putting my thoughts on the subject into words.

Wow - holy word vomit. Guess I needed to get that of my chest!

What I'm trying to relay is that you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. I suspect it's totally normal and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

gsancho · June 2014

I am religious, but definitely a bit more liberal in my views. I don't like the idea of "everything happens for a reason", but I think sometimes about "if it's meant to be". I just don't like people automatically assuming that when we say that, (a) it's God's plan or that (b) it means we should see what the plan is without any medical help. Why do those phrases always imply that we aren't meant to seek any additional help?

What if God's "plan" is for me to have struggles with IF, appreciate the things I have in life, seek treatment, get pregnant with the help of an RE, and then be more compassionate for other friends I may have who later deal with IF? Or in the end, the result may be we live child free, even after the time and money spent. But that could all still be part of the "plan" for all I know b/c it's helped DH and I look at our priorities in life, have deeper conversations than many married people have, and helped us put more long term goals in place. That's why this whole thing is a journey.

gsancho · June 2014

But to address the general question of second thoughts (I went off topic a bit on my rant above), YES I do have them. More so in the sense of at what point are we going to reach our max and stop seeking treatment. When we started seeing an RE, DH and I had a whatever it takes POV...but now that we are seeing our money disappear, our credit cards max out, and our lives being on hold so much...we are thinking we may have a limit somewhere.

This morning I surprised myself b/c I thought of us living child free and for the first time ever it didn't make my stomach turn. But all that can change - it's a journey, my opinions will change as to what we want to do, and there is never one solution for everyone.

ebliss444 · June 2014

Awww, I'm sorry you're feeling bummed out.

I can relate to these feelings, though I can't say I'm a very religious or even spiritual person. Sometimes I question if I even want a baby THIS badly or is it that sort of competitive drive that kicks in --> because I can't get pregnant, does it make me want it that much more!?

Lately I've also been questioning why everyone I know seem sot have no trouble at all. I know that's not always the case of course, but it sure feels like all of my friends just get pregnant by looking at their husbands!

I feel like during this process, my attitude and outlook seem to change depending on where I am in my cycle, if I'm feeling particularly emotional that day, or am I just in a going with the flow kind of mood.

.Mrs.Matt. · June 2014

I needed this today, thank you for posting! I've been struggling with those thoughts a lot lately, and I try try try to think of comforting things - we are doing everything in our power to get pregnant, we are incredibly lucky to have the work/life/location for treatment. My RE is the only one on this side of the state, and the office is about 5 minutes from mine... I feel blessed every time I remember that!

I struggle with prayer, since it has always been my personal belief that we should pray for guidance, acceptance, strength, etc., and not necessarily pray that something will/won't happen. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't ask to be blessed with a child a multitude of times already.

pmpknbride · June 2014

I'm not very religious, but I do believe in destiny and fate, with that said I still haaate when someone tells me "what is meant to be will be"... It's as if they are really saying you can't have everything you want so just settle with what you have. I prefer to look at fate like this quote, "As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better". Hindsight is 20-20, and I'm confident that if we always follow our heart and our gut then we get through this rough patch and one day will look back on our journey and realize we ended up right where we needed to be, when we needed to be there, just like we always have.

jencity9 · June 2014

I think that too sometimes but I tell myself that even if everything does happen for a reason it may not be the obvious one... Like we may interpret it as this must mean I'm not supposed to be a parent when in reality there is another reason that we couldn't possibly see or understand at this time.

nmason5413 · June 2014

Thank you do much for posting this. I'm new (hi!) and struggling. This is exactly what I am going through right now... The whole process feels unnatural in some ways and it's confusing because I always thought of getting pregnant as a beautiful and natural thing, up until we actually started trying or course. Thanks for all of your insights.

~Mrs.Wise~ · June 2014

I feel that way sometimes too. It's hard not to when you have some people who out right say it to your face, at least I do if you don't that is great because my mom, MIL, sister and SILS and bestie all agree that's the most horrible thing to say to someone regardless of whether you think/believe it. Sometimes I wonder if God thinks or knows I'd be an awful mother but then I remember the people who actually are awful mothers and they had babies and I try to just take a big breath, relax and take each day of this as it comes. Hugs to you and I hope you find peace and a BFP soon!

JericaLH · June 2014

I know exactly what you mean. I had all these doubts when my OBGYN suggested we start Clomid. Mainly me doubting whether I was following God's plan or my own. It's tough trusting wholeheartedly and I just had to sit down and read my Bible for a little while. The conclusion I came to was this: If it's not meant to be then no amount of drugs is going to change that. God's Will will shine through.

That said, we had a serious discussion about how far we were willing to go and what we would do in the event that it wasn't meant to be. DH and I are in agreement that IVF is not an option for us, due to personal beliefs and financial constraints. We are willing to try IUI if necessary, but after that we agreed that adoption would be the next route for us. I know in my heart that DH was meant to be a dad, and I hope that I would be a good mom, and all our hopes and dreams for the future involve kids. One way or another it's going to happen. We just have to keep faith and remember that if God is making you wait - it will for darn sure be worth it in the end.

(I know you said you weren't particularly religious and I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone else. Just my personal beliefs.)

megrae12 · June 2014

**Warning-loss mentioned**

Hi, I am hoping I can chime in on this. I am fairly new to this side of TTC. It seems that when I had my loss, my body just stop doing what it was supposed to. One thing I can say that I struggled with, was everyone coming out the of the wood work with: A. At least it was so early you didnt know have time to get attached. B. At least you got pg before. C. It was God's will. D. When it's meant to happen it will.

I have a VERY hard time with all of those statements above. I consider myself a Christian and I believe that God has a plan. I do not in ANY way think it was His will that we had an ectopic and I lost my baby. I know this. I also know that, while, it may not be what I want, He does have a plan. One thing I can say that I have learned in all of this, is that I am not content to be silent any more. I know that if I am able to comfort and/or give another woman hope who is dealing with this, then I am using this crappy experience for some good. It helps to keep me grounded. I have no idea where we will end up in this journey, and to be honest, I am petrified. However, if I can help even just one person with my story and bring awareness to what we are all going through, then going through this is (somewhat) easier. Does that make sense? I know that doesnt exactly go with what you were asking, but as I state above, I had the phrase "if it's meant to be." Lots of ((Hugs)) hun and I hope you are able to find some peace in all of this. (Which is easier said than done).

RNCrystal · June 2014

Thank you ALL for your responses! You are all so encouraging and helping me put things in perspective ! I'm typically a determined person and have always been successful in anything I set out to do - and getting pregnant will be my next accomplishment! I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one going through this- your stories and opinions are very much appreciated. The stress of all this can quickly bring a person from excited to stressed and feeling down in a blink of an eye. Again thank you all for the encouraging words and best of luck to everyone

mindaa · June 2014

Interesting conversation. Here’s my take as someone of Faith. First, I believe that:

1. 1. God is perfect and good and wants the best for us, but:

2. 2. We live in a world that not’s perfect (ie. not heaven)+ we have free will to do what we want, and we're not perfect (like Chicory said, we’re not God’s puppets or robots).

On one hand, I believe that God brings our desires into alignment with His will for our lives. Which, on the surface, means that my strong desire to have a natural child must mean it’s going to happen, right? And I still believe it could.

But, like you after 2.5 years of trying I hit rock bottom last month. I'm done with all this. And now I’m waiting to hear what that means and where to go. Maybe I need to keep up hope, it could be that DH and I still have some things to before starting a family.

I’ve also always had a heart for adoption. While I would have preferred to go straight down that road, it could be that I had to go through this whole TTC process so I could find closure (in not having a natural child) before moving in that direction.

I too get kinda bugged when people say that difficult circumstances are “His will” or “meant to be.” Those things are not “from” God (see #2 above). Sure God may be totally capable of jumping in and fixing every little problem in our life, but he doesn't. First, because we're not robots and also, like gsancho says, because it’s the tough times that refine us, make us better people and help us appreciate the good in our lives. The whole IF journey has definitely changed me for the better - I’m more empathetic, more thick-skinned.

Also want to say thanks to everyone for keeping this discussion mature and respectful

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Second thoughts

Re: Second thoughts

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Want a personalized experience?

Second thoughts

Re: Second thoughts

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Choose Another Board

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Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!