Am I Being Unreasonable?

Venus04 · June 2014

So I have maybe 7-9 weeks until baby girl arrives, and I've been dealing with some pregnancy concerns (heavy contractions from infections, hospital stays, etc.). My friends seem supportive and suggest we do something to lift my spirits (same things I did for them during their pregnancies), but when that something rolls around, they text me right before that they're bringing their kid. Then the lunch / visit / dinner turns into them attending to their kid the entire time. At first, I was just grateful that my friends were making an effort. But then...it didn't feel like an effort at all. My friend, L, asked me to breakfast....then brought her two kids and we maybe exchanged 100 words the entire time. My friend, A, said she wanted to come by and check on me, and then brought her two-year-old and ran after him non-stop. Another friend, M, asked me to brunch. I tried my best to schedule it on a day we both worked so she'd be kid-free (I had her old job once--long lunches every day are easy to swing), but she insisted on doing it on an "off" day, and then brought her newborn. Then today, my friend, G, asked me to lunch. She knew more than anyone how hard these last couple of weeks of pain and discomfort have been, and so I was excited to see her, especially because she said family was in town to help with the kiddos. Then she texts and says she's bringing her three-year-old and where do I want to eat. I feel like such an ungrateful witch, but in every one of these situations, there was a husband or someone available to watch their kid, and they brought them anyway. It makes me feel unworthy of their undivided attention after I put so much of myself into being there for them when they were pregnant (that's a whole different story).

Is this what I have to look forward to? When I have a kid, will I drag them everywhere, even when I have a daycare / husband option and my friend needs me? Maybe they assume since I'm pregnant I don't mind them attending to their children during our get togethers. But it's the opposite. Now more than ever, I just need some girl time.

Thoughts?

Venus04 · June 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

I think you need to tell them when they ask you somewhere that you would love some adult, one on one, time, and find an activity that encourages that (mani/pedi, shopping, coffee).

Great advice! What's crazy is that I usually do. I'll say something along the lines of, "I need girl / adult time so bad. I'm babied out big time. Let's do lunch and maybe slip in a glass of wine!" I'll say this to give them a chance to back out if they need to bring their kids. And still...bam...kids. Maybe I'm not being direct enough.

It's just...so one of those friends, A, was going through something recently, and I made myself available because we're friends, ya know? It's not like I showed up at our lunch dates with my husband unexpectedly and said, "So how you feeling girl?" Then stopped our conversation every ten seconds to answer a question my husband asked. Ha! Maybe that's a bad comparison.

Jennicillin · June 2014

I do think it's reasonable to want kid free time, but I also know as a mom with other "mom friends" we all know we're a packaged deal... me and the kid.

Unless someone tells me specifically something is "adults only" 99% chance my kids are coming with me unless it's after bed time. And it really doesn't feel like dragging them around either, it's usually easier to bring the kids than to find and pay for a sitter or work around my husbands crazy schedule, and then be on a time limit either way as a result. So I wouldn't be too hard on them.

I will say THEY are the ones making the invitation, so it's fair for it to be more on their terms. If you want a kid free night, you need to make the invitation and be direct. "Hey A, do you want to go to dinner one night next week kid free?"

MandMLeona · June 2014

You aren't being unreasonable by wanting the one on one time. You just might need to learn to ask for exactly what you want in specific terms. I struggle with this as I hate to ask for things, and have always been taught beggers can't be choosers...so I tend to not ask or not specify the important details hoping people will just understand. I'm learning that often people want to give me what I want they are just too busy with their lives to think about where I'm at and properly interpret clues.

Unknown · June 2014

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PecanSam · June 2014

A lot of times my husband is an option to watch our daughter b/c he's self-employed and works from home. So if I had a friend that needed adult time, I would go alone. However, if something came up I his schedule that he couldn't control, then my only option would be to bring my daughter.

I don't use daycare. I would not use my sister for something like that. I like to use my sister when there is something I need to do that I truly can't take my daughter. And the one friend that I feel comfortable watching my daughter, I only use for emergency situations. Like when we had a Friday night wedding, daughter wasn't invited, my sister was out of town.

Give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe there husband isn't available like you think. And I only like to cash in favors when really needed. And we are going to cash in a lot of favors when I give birth.

When my daughter was an infant, we took her everywhere with us. I breastfed, so it was a must.

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