With Whom Do You Share?

ebliss444 · June 2014

You may have seen I'm new to the TTC board.

I was just curious how many of you share your fertility struggles, or even initially shared your plans plans to try and conceive (gosh--for me it seem so long ago when I had that initial excitement and joy to try and start a family!). At some point, one of the doctors I saw suggested that it might be good for me to tell someone in my life so I felt less alone in this whole IF roller coaster.

As I mentioned, in my intro post, I didn't tell any friends and family with the hope of eliminating any of the follow-up family planning questions from people. Of course, people still ask anyway, don't they?!

As far as I know, none of my friends have struggled with IF, so I don't know that it would make me feel much better telling people who are pregnant or who have kids already!

CarSaidYes · June 2014

I am dying to tell my mom and her fight to be cancer free will be in August (lord willingly) I'll tell her then. I don't want to add additional stress. I talk to my hubby of course, my cousin who saw the same RE and I told my aunt today at lunch. I keep it small!

gsancho · June 2014

We're pretty open with everyone, although how much detail depends on the person. For me, it was a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils....always get asked questions as to when we would have kids, people saying insensitive things when it comes to pregnancies, babies, etc....OR always have people give their two cents on infertility and advice for getting pregnant. I chose to tell people and deal with people periodically asking for updates or giving their advice, because at least they can (hopefully) understand if I'm emotional or opt to avoid certain baby situations. But everyone's different.

ronniesgirl1981 · June 2014

I talk to one person IRL. For me, it helps me keep IF from overtaking my whole world. I cannot imagine 10 people going through the sheer madness of my first IVF cycle with me. If IVF #2 fails, I think we'll be forced to share b/c we'll likely cycle out of state the next time.

brazenbiblio · June 2014

I just started telling some people at work that I'm close to though I get a bit of anxiety every time I do. My parents and my sister know but my husband's family doesn't. I want to share my excitement to try but I don't want the pity if it doesn't work.

AnnaClaire256 · June 2014

In the beginning we were very open about our journey because we whole heartedly believed it would be a short one. We were very wrong.

These days my immediate family and closest friends know most some of what we are going through but only person who know allll the details is my mother (I tell her everything).

The farther we get in this process, the more I wish I hadn't been so open in the beginning. Now I have people, who I don't know all that well, asking me about doctors appointments and tests and giving unsolicited advice and PITY. I don't need people feeling sorry for me. I told DH the other day that I wish no one knew. That way on my hardest IF days I didn't have a random co worker asking me "how the baby making is going."

coriej4110 · June 2014

When we first started trying, I only told my best friend. My parents accidentally got pregnant with me, and always bring up "they're too young to be grandparents" (they're not) and make it obvious they aren't for me becoming pregnant anytime soon. As time has gone by, and many many questions of "when are you guys having kids?" We've started to just say either we're working on it or who knows. I haven't actually discussed my fertility issues with anyone besides two of my closets friends. One of which has had 3 children since we've been trying (all accidents) and the other who has one on the way.

It's extremely difficult to not be a little bitter no matter how I try. Probably because none of my friends or family have fertility issues either.

KT416 · June 2014

We haven't told anyone. My DH is taking his MFI really hard and he didn't want anyone to know. He said I could tell people that we were struggling if I had too, but not go into detail and especialy not mention his MFI.

My mom is the type of person that would tell everyone, even if I asked her not too, she would just tell less people and say "don't tell anyone but..." So yeah, I tell my dog when I need to vent or come here

Most of our friends and family know we want kids at some point, but they don't know we have been trying (and struggling). We are renovating our house, so we always blame everything on that.

emmuffy · June 2014

I've been open about it, except while at work (actually, a few colleagues know, but I told them outside of work). I've found that when people are aware of our efforts, they are likely to open up about their own challenges. I've been really surprised at the number of people who have told me that they had to go through fertility treatments to conceive... it's very common, but people keep it private. I recommend telling people you trust to be supportive and appropriately discreet. You may find that you do in fact know people who have been through or are going through IF.

All that being said, I've had my share of stupid comments/suggestions, mostly from my parents .

Danielle0311 · June 2014

There are not many people I share with honestly. I found that most people don't really understand or say the wrong things unintentionally so now I pretty much stay quiet. Therapy has helped me and I of course talk to DH about it. The only other people I share with is my cousin who dealt with similar issues and a coworker who is very supportive. You have to do what feels right

Waterlily234 · June 2014

I wish I had shared less in the beginning. Like PP I figured it would be a quick journey. I have IRL friends that constantly ask for updates about where I am at in my cycle because they want to show they care, but it adds too much pressure to have to "report" back to everyone on everything. Most work people stay quiet and my family gives me space. As much as I wish I didn't have to share bad news, I know that the people that are in the know will give me support and someday hopefully will cheer me on and be happy when I get my BFP! It's a mixed bag, is my point. :-@

Sewfie · June 2014

At this point most of our friends and coworkers know, and his mom. His dad and stepmother and my family don't know at this point. I just don't think they would offer the kind of support we would like, so it's just easier to not tell them.

SnowFlake84 · June 2014

I had to tell my boss , as I work 2.5 hours away from the clinic. I've told several friends,and my mom knows I'm infertile, but not anything beyond my lap. I couldn't hide the lap. Dh was out of town, so she had to take care of me.

~Mrs.Wise~ · June 2014

I told just about everyone who knows us because we've been married 8 years, the dumb questions and comments and assumptions that we just didn't want to be parents got to be a heavy burden about 18 months ago and I snapped on a few people so I just put it all out there to avoid snapping on anyone else.

BunnyBerry · June 2014

The worst feeling for me is if people treat our IF like it's a shameful secret, so I think we're a little more open than not. No FB announcements though! I like answering, "Yes, we've been trying for a long time." It seems to solve a lot.

We talk about it very freely with family (not the day-to-day cycle stuff, just the general situation and sometimes our feelings toward it). I was surprised and a little hurt when my grandma slyly asked about it yesterday, and then told me kind of proudly that she had "guessed" - well yeah, we've talked about it pretty openly to a lot of family members, though I can't remember one special conversation where I "came out" to her. Makes me feel like people were talking behind my back, but oh well.

I kind of feel bad that my mom doesn't actually care about the day-to-day stuff. Every time I try to say, well we had this test today...or, we're scheduled for this later in the week...she is pretty dismissive. It sucks because the first little while of this, she was super excited and wanted to learn all about our options and was rooting for triplets (I have tried to talk her out of that misguided opinion), but that did not last very long.

**warning - pg mentioned**

Now I've noticed it's hard for her to avoid comparing and bringing up how she got PG with all three kids the first couple weeks of trying and how she's a "fertile Myrtle." So if I could go back and do it again - I'd make a bigger deal of "coming out" to certain people to show them I cared about their involvement, but I'd be realistic and not expect my mom to be a bit support!

JericaLH · June 2014

I haven't specifically told anyone in my immediate family (though I think they have their suspicions) but I have been talking about it with a couple of close friends and with a cousin in another state. They are just removed enough that I don't have to worry about them accidentally letting it slip. lol Even with them however I still felt kind of alone. At one point I almost asked the DH if I should see a councilor about it. But then I found this group and I must say, reading everyone else's stories and testimonies has made me feel like I'm not alone. Coming from a family where IF isn't an issue - it's nice to have people to talk to.

kushie77 · June 2014

We're very upfront and open with people. I find it cuts down on the idiotic comments like tick tock your clock is ticking. Plus while IF sucks it's not a dirty secret to be ashamed of. I find that people are very supportive when they ask if you have children and you point blank tell them "We're infertility patients and it's a work in progress."

athlete010688 · June 2014

I'm pretty much open as well. I've told some friends about our struggles. I've posted somethings on Facebook, so people would have been able to gather what is going.

I will say, I still get comments from people saying "it'll happen when it happens, etc", but I just ignore those comments.

sundaybrunch · June 2014

I mostly talk to my mom about it though that has tapered off a bit. Not because she's not interested but because it's getting harder and harder for me to talk about it so I usually mention things in passing now. She knows it's a sensitive topic so she waits for me to bring it up. I did tell my close girlfriends and for awhile they'd ask questions but they haven't for some time now and I don't bring it up either. I think they feel awkward and don't know what to say. The two of them who have kids had them literally their first month trying so they totally can't relate.

lebradford · June 2014

H and I both told our bosses, and I told a couple of coworkers I work closely with because appointments impact our jobs sometimes. I told my parents sometime after our first failed Clomid cycle. My mom has been pretty supportive and I'm glad I told them. Most recently I told one friend and she just kind of blew it off, which was pretty hurtful.

I don't really care if people know we're going through IF treatments because I think it's nothing to be ashamed of. However, I'm really scared that people will say something to upset me (even if they mean well) or ask for constant updates. Those things have kept me from sharing with other people. No one knows where we are in any given cycle because I don't want to have to update every time I get a BFN.

drstef · June 2014

My DH and mine IF journey just started several months ago. Besides my H, I mainly talk to my closest friend about it all. H and I decided not to tell our parents yet. Our parents can be very critical at times so we thought it would be best to not say anything because we don't need the additional stress. Both of our sisters know and are very supportive, and they don't ask many questions (which is great!). We are not ashamed of the IF; it's just our own little personal journey right now.

BananaPancakes02 · June 2014

We told close friends, but only people we knew wouldn't be all "How's the baby making going?". I have too many friends who have gone through IF and miscarriages and what not to be very open about it. If we are never successful at having a baby, I would rather people think it was by our choice, rather than our inability.

ny2pd2001 · June 2014

Im new to the boards though i've recently been reading a lot of them. I have to say i agree with many of you! It's so nice not to feel alone. my DH, mother, and best friend try to be understanding and supportive, but they don't truly understand what it is like. We have been trying for 5yrs and recently started going to the RE. I hope everyone will receive a BFP soon!!! Lots of baby dust to everyone!!!

mindaa · June 2014

I'm super private... mostly because I'm pretty conservative and am not comfortable talking about BD and AF! Now that it's been such a long process, I'm very relieved to not be getting the questions, advice and obnoxious comments that I read about here. Being somewhat socially awkward, I probably wouldn't respond very well!

I'm fortunate that DH and I are super active so we don't get constant inquiries into the state of our family planning. I'm OK with people assuming we've just chosen to be CF for now.

nswain85 · June 2014

We told some close friends when we first started trying last year but wish we hadn't now that things have taken this route... I don't like the questions and want to be able to discuss it on my terms. When things began getting complicated, we told my mom and she told my dad because I still don't have it in me to have that discussion with my father, lol. We had to tell his parents because the doctors office kept calling their house by mistake and they though he was sick! Ugh... I told two dear friends because one went through IF herself and the other one is struggling with possible IF so they are my outlets. Just feel comfortable with who you're telling and what you're telling them so that you protect yourself. Good luck!

margevz101 · June 2014

This is such a great post. My family have been nagging for us to have kids for ages and we have always just told them to give us time.

I really didn't want people to know we were trying because like so many of you I don't want the pity. I also don't want people to walk on eggshells around us: I am really happy when other couples do get pregnant and I wouldn't want them to not tell us because they are worried it might upset us.

However, I never could have imagined we'd be more than 1 year down the line and to be officially 'struggling'. When we decided have iui I told my mother who has promptly told my sister. Which is fine. I've also had to tell my work, in broad strokes, since I needed to leave work to see the Dr and since we are a small team of mostly females the word is out.

I'm still not at a point were I am totally ready to 100% out there. I am very thankful for the support I do get since our first IUI was really emotional for me and seems to be just the beginning.

bringthescience · June 2014

We've talked to a very small circle of people. My parents know, but not my sister. His family does not know. I have a two close friends who have gone through IVF that I talk to, and one other very dear friend that I trust with everything and she's always made it very comfortable/safe for me to vent when I need to. No one at work knows; I'm lucky enough to work extremely close to my clinic, and all my appointments are scheduled in the early morning hours. The end of the 2ww is always a little weird when I feel like I have to report what happened (we're on iui #3), but I'm grateful for this small circle of people who let me cry, yell, or be silent.

lebradford · June 2014

@nswain85‌ Your doctor kept calling your ILs?! I'd be so pissed!

nswain85 · June 2014

lebradford yeah, it was not ideal! They were really concerned about DH so we figured we would just tell them so they weren't thinking it was something else. They were like "oh..." LOL!

Belou52579 · June 2014

I've told too many people. If I had to start all over again, I'd have tried to be more selective of who knew about our procreation plans and troubles.

Honestly, it's nice to have the support that we have but I would like to not have to remember to give everyone an update on every little thing I do regarding IF.

More embarrassingly, I've actually forgotten that I've told certain people and have been very confused when they've asked me for an update. I really do wish I could have kept some of this to myself, mostly because of unwanted advise people feel obligated to provide to me.

sweetsurrender9 · June 2014

I'm out, for the most part. All of my family and friends know that there are issues. Some of them know because I chose to confide in them, others know because they mentioned that we should have kids soon and I couldn't take it anymore, so I told. I also post infertility awareness items on my Facebook during NIAW.

That being said, I didn't tell many people we were doing our Clomid cycles. I plan on telling even fewer when we start our IVF cycle. I have three co-workers that know, one because she's my boss, one because she's IF too, and one because she has two beautiful IVF babies. My BIL and SIL know, because I tell my SIL everything. Those are the only people we're going to tell. I don't want a million questions as our cycle goes along.

KaylaJayBee · June 2014

I want to share; I want to stop every mom on the street and ask how they got pregnant, for goodness sake! However, my family seems to not be too keen on hearing about our fertility struggles, so I've learned to wait until asked. My sister is getting married and, after I began sharing with her and my mom about my DH's and my IF struggles, she literally said (notice the quotations), "can we get back to talking about me now?" Also, I've noticed that some people get uncomfortable, so I tread lightly with acquaintances. And then there is the issue I have with the umbrella response "you can always adopt!" I realize that this response is in an innate desire, out of love, to fix my problem - these friends don't want to see me hurt or struggling; but it still is frustrating because, in the end, many people just don't understand what it's like to go through this.

In a nutshell - I get my juice from this message board. It anchors me to other women who are sharing in the same types of struggles and provides some of the support that I crave while going through this process.

On a side note: thank you to all of you for sharing!

borntorun17 · June 2014

We've only told my best friend (who also had tttc but is now in a very healthy pregnancy) and my mother. I have to agree with others that telling my mom was kind of a mistake. She is constantly asking me if I've received lab results, calling me constantly after a doctor's appointment, and just bringing it up every chance she gets. I understand that she is just anxious and is trying to be supportive but the constant drill for information leaves me feeling hollow. Like, yes, let me relive my bad news on the phone with you one more time because it wasn't bad enough to hear it from the doctor - now I have to broadcast it to you.

Want a personalized experience?

With Whom Do You Share?

Re: With Whom Do You Share?

Me: 26 (IC/PCOS-2000mg of Metformin daily)

DH: 27 (SA results were great minus the slightly low morphology)

Started dating DH in 2002 at 14 years old

Married on 03.01.2014

Officially TTC since April 2014

January 2013- Surprise BFP, m/c at 6 weeks, D&C 2 Weeks later

April 2014- First RE appointment

July 2014- IUI#1-Canx due to scar tissue and polyps. TI with the help of Ovidrel. BFN

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

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Want a personalized experience?

With Whom Do You Share?

Re: With Whom Do You Share?

Me: 26 (IC/PCOS-2000mg of Metformin daily)

DH: 27 (SA results were great minus the slightly low morphology)

Started dating DH in 2002 at 14 years old

Married on 03.01.2014

Officially TTC since April 2014

January 2013- Surprise BFP, m/c at 6 weeks, D&C 2 Weeks later

April 2014- First RE appointment

July 2014- IUI#1-Canx due to scar tissue and polyps. TI with the help of Ovidrel. BFN

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

March 2014 - RE appt. April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormalMay 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm