Questions/WWYD re: 3yr old daycare situation

boogerbearoriginal · June 2014

I know a lot of us have older kids and/or childcare experience so I wanted some input on our current situation. This may end up really long, and I apologize but I want to ensure there's enough information to follow along.

When LO1 was 18m, we put him in daycare p/t for the first time (he'd been cared for by family/nanny prior to) and he did ok. Initial transition was rough, like took a good month before he stopped crying at every dropoff but he mostly was happy there. When I found out I was pg with #2 we had some decisions to make because the daycare/preschool doesn't start kids until 18m. My sister/MIL/H have been watching him (and now LO2) since Decemeber. So he was there ~9m when we pulled him out.

A month ago, H got moved to days, which meant we now needed full time childcare instead of part time. My sister, who homeschools her own kids, was unable to take on two more full time as it become increasingly disruptive to their schedule. So, we decided to put LO1 back in daycare part time (all day, 3x a week) and LO2 is still with my sister. Since we wanted him to start preschool this fall anyway, it seemed to make the most sense, and he'd been there before so it wasn't a totally new environment.

This week was his first week there, and Monday was great he was excited to start school and play with the kids. Yesterday was awful. He cried that he didn't like it there (before we left) and was hysterical when I left. He hasn't cried like that about me leaving in a good 9-12m. Last night he was up every few hours crying and saying "I don't like it, I don't want to go to school". It really has me concerned but I'm wondering if I'm just overreacting? FWIW he woke up early on Tuesday so I know it was partly that he was overtired. But he's been STTN for a good year now so this whole episode was very unsettling.

This morning he was very relieved when I said he was staying home with Grandma today, although he was still upset that I was leaving. But I wonder how overtired he is since he usually loves playing with Grandma. And by the time I left they were happily playing trains.

He doesn't go back to daycare until Friday, but I guess my question is - how much should I worry about him there? He is in the preschool room now, so it's different teachers than before but I am concerned with how much he seems to not like going. But I know there will be some transition too. Thoughts?

RondackHiker · June 2014

I know for DS any time away from daycare means drop off will be rough. So if we take a week vacation, that first week back will involve lots of tears.

Can you ask his teachers how he is doing? Ask if he seems upset during the day and ask if he seems to be having fun.

I'd also try to find out WHY he doesn't like it. Does he not like it because he misses you? Or his sibling? Is there one other kid or teacher he doesnt' like? Did he get in "trouble" because he doesn't know all the rules yet?

DS once told me he hated daycare because it was too cold. Well, he clarified after screaming he hated it for ten minutes. So I sent him with a coat and he loved it again.

It could be something, or it could be nothing.

For example... this fall I was driving with DS and out of the blue he said "I don't like what [name of male teacher] does to me in the bathrooms." I nearly drove off the road. Turns out male teacher turns the water on too high and DS was sprayed with water once. Or a bad example... a friend's son told her that his teacher had lots of rules and he didn't like her and didn't like her making him follow rules. Turns out she was rough and mean to the kids.

Try to find out more from him and his teachers but know it's likely just the transition.

dunvilles · June 2014

I go through this with my 4 year old. He would MUCH rather stay home with me than go to preschool. It has been especially hard on him since I am still on maternity leave.

I try to validate his feelings. For example if he says "I don't like school. I don't want to go back." I tell him that I understand those feelings and felt that way myself sometimes when I was little. We explain how he has to go to a school because I work but that my favorite part of the day is picking him up and hearing about all the neat things he did.

I would also talk to his teachers and see how things are going at school. 3-4 has by far been the toughest age for us. Gl!!

dunvilles · June 2014

We play a game every evening where I tell him 3 of my favorite parts of my day and he does the same. Then we talk about anything that made us sad that day (I might say "I was sad because my teacher friend was sick, so I didn't get to see her.") This time has really helped ds open up about his feelings.

Soap1 · June 2014

I don't think you should make any decisions just yet. It could just be the transition.

But I will say that when we put the kids in f/t day care for the first time, I experienced something similar. DS2 cried at drop off and quit STTN - waking up at night crying. He was only about 20 months so he couldn't really explain what was wrong, but I knew something was up. DS1 cried at drop offs.

I am 100% certain that nothing bad or scary or dangerous was happening to the kids. It was not a matter of them being mistreated. For us, it was really just that the kids didn't feel comfortable at their day care. We stuck it out about 3 months to make sure it wasn't just a transition thing, but when nothing changed, we moved them to a different day care. They were happy as clams by Day 2 and we've been at that day care ever since.

The first day care was big, fancy, expensive, and highly rated. The second one was small and a little bit run down. But the teachers at the second/current day care LOVE my kids.

So, my advice is, as long as you aren't concerned that there's a dangerous situation at the day care, stick it out a little while and see if it's just a transition thing. If your child still has issues after a month or so, find a new day care that's a better fit!

boogerbearoriginal · June 2014

RondackHiker said:

For example... this fall I was driving with DS and out of the blue he said "I don't like what [name of male teacher] does to me in the bathrooms." I nearly drove off the road. Turns out male teacher turns the water on too high and DS was sprayed with water once. Or a bad example... a friend's son told her that his teacher had lots of rules and he didn't like her and didn't like her making him follow rules. Turns out she was rough and mean to the kids.

Try to find out more from him and his teachers but know it's likely just the transition.

OMG I likely would've had a heartattack! Kids, sheesh.

C12H22O11 · June 2014

Possible UO: he's going to have to start preschool ( and eventually regular school), so at some point, he's going to be sad/unhappy about not being with family all day.

New environments are scary - can he take a toy/book/lovey from home? Tell him he can use it for show and tell - my DS loves doing show and tell. Plus, it might bring a shy kid out if their shell a bit.

Also, when my 4.5 year old doesn't want to go, I basically remind him of all the fun things to do there, his friends, and tell him he needs to go so he can learn to read (he's way into this right now). Then in the evenings, we talk about how his day was, etc. and how he felt about the things he learned/did.

I'd give a good solid couple weeks for anxiety to wane.

boogerbearoriginal · June 2014

dunvilles said:

We play a game every evening where I tell him 3 of my favorite parts of my day and he does the same. Then we talk about anything that made us sad that day (I might say "I was sad because my teacher friend was sick, so I didn't get to see her.") This time has really helped ds open up about his feelings.

I love this tip - great idea

I don't really like the one preschool teacher as much as I liked the toddler room teachers, she's not very warm/fuzzy. I don't think she's harming kids, but just very brisk and authoritative style. Not really the loving yet firm vibe I got from the toddler room, if that makes sense.

We signed him up for the summer program which runs through August, so I'll likely keep him there and see how it goes before deciding what to do for fall.

It's hard because he can talk but doesn't always explain things in ways that makes sense to me lol. But the crying throughout the night really worried me that he's unhappy there beyond the "I'd prefer to stay home with Mom and play" feeling.

boogerbearoriginal · June 2014

Thanks for the reassurance that this is likely just a transition and he'll be ok. I anticipated him being unhappy with a change, but last night was brutal. And exhausting. So I'm feeling a bit overtired myself, which of course means I am not necessarily thinking rationally and instead worrying and overthinking things.

boogerbearoriginal · June 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:

It sounds pretty normal to me - in that there's a wide range of normal! Like pp's have said, some kids are just very sensitive to changes in environment and others kinda roll with it. Really, he's never experienced anything like it in his memory, and being that it's a whole new classroom with new teachers and kids, it's kinda impossible to compare it to his other daycare experience. I hate that one of his teachers seems brisk and less than nurturing - but I will say I've worked with a couple tough birds like that and I promise you, when kids need a cuddle or shit really hits the fan, you'd be shocked but sometimes they choose that particular teacher because she represents order and consistency to them. I would give it time. What's the drop off routine like? Do you have a script you're repeating with him every day and night about going to daycare? "X goes to daycare on M, W, and F to play with his friends and teachers. After lunch comes nap, and after nap comes snack. Then X plays for a bit until mommy picks him up! Same every day." One thing working against you is that he's going part time, that tends to be a way longer adjustment than full time immersion into the daycare life. Can you give me some examples of the things he's saying he doesn't like about daycare?

Drop off is just me/him - he likes to carry his lunch in and set it on the cart. We go into the breakfast area and he sits with the kids to eat or plays with the kids if food isn't ready yet. I do explain the day for him so - you'll eat, then play, then lunch, then nap, then play and Daddy will come get you. Yesterday he replied "I want Daddy to come get me now!" And I tell him Daddy is at work, etc. and that I will miss him but I will see him for dinner. It's not an exact script but similar things.

Another thought I've had, is he is somewhat recently potty trained and his first day there he had a few accidents. So I wonder if that upset him? Tuesday he didn't have any accidents though. I made a point to show him where the toilets are, and he used it with me before I left both days.

He's never been terribly specific, just that he doesn't like it and wants to stay home. He said he doesn't like when Miss X - the one I don't get the warm fuzzy from - talks to him. So I wonder if she's been strict with him and he's feeling a bit overwhelmed by the change and strict rules.

keags5496 · June 2014

Hugs mama! That sounds rough. I agree with PP that it could just be the transition. DS has trouble whenever we mix up his schedule and usually within a few weeks he's back to normal. He'll usually tell us that he misses us and wants to stay home and play with us.

We play the "favorite part of your day/what made you sad game" too every night at the dinner table. It's really helped him to figure out his feelings and to express himself. We still have meltdowns and scream fest, but usually once he calms himself he's really good about explaining himself. He'll say when he's mad or frustrated or sad or happy and he's usually spot on. Might be worth doing and you might get some information about why he's unhappy out of him.

tenfour · June 2014

I think I'd give it a little more time before really worrying. Like everyone else said I'd just listen, validate, talk to his teachers, and wait it out. If it's been a month and this is still happening I would re-evaluate. Mine is starting a new school in Sept so I'll be here in a few months. It's hard!

We also have a nightly convo (we call an "orange chair conversation") where we can talk about our day and ask questions, etc. At first it was just her making up stories but I really am starting to get glimmers of actual helpful information from her. And it helps decode her statements like the "I don't like what so and so did in the bathroom" above.

slwprincess · June 2014

I think its probably a mixture of separation anxiety and control issues. I have all 3 kids home right now as I took a 6 month unpaid maternity leave. When school starts back in August for DS, both girls will go to daycare full time. I'm expecting some backlash from DD (3.5 yrs) after this long of a hiatus- it will be 5 mos of no school for her. She still goes occasionally for a drop in and has fun but there is definitely more separation anxiety than she ever had before just because its no longer her "norm." My best advice is DO NOT LET HIM SEE YOU SWEAT. He will take advantage and run all over you. Give yourself a pep talk before you leave the house and put your game face on. Tell his teacher that you know he's having a tough time and could they please give him some extra attention but that you are going to get out quick. Staying around will only make it harder. Prepare him in the car that you will take him in and drop him off and leave. Sing the Daniel Tiger song "Grown ups come back." And then seriously, LEAVE AND DON'T LOOK BACK. It will be an adjustment b/c he's older now and he knows the difference, but he will be fine. Also, I've always found that PT is WAY harder on them than FT b/c of the back and forth. It sucks but it's just the nature of it. You do what you gotta do and don't stress. He will be fine.

karich · June 2014

You've gotten some good insight...and I don't have anything more to add but I will offer hugs. It sucks dropping your child off to a place you know they don't want to be.

We sent DD1 to preschool for two years before kindergarten and the drop off never got easy. I remember one time she said "Mommy, I love you even though you leave me here".
Then I cried on my way to work.

Soap1 · June 2014

karich said:

You've gotten some good insight...and I don't have anything more to add but I will offer hugs. It sucks dropping your child off to a place you know they don't want to be. We sent DD1 to preschool for two years before kindergarten and the drop off never got easy. I remember one time she said "Mommy, I love you even though you leave me here". Then I cried on my way to work.

@karich Oh my god that's terrible! But I'm also laughing because it's funny terrible! Kids are ridiculous!

karich · June 2014

@Soap1‌
Isn't it awful?? So dramatic.

I once tried to get to the bottom of why she hated it so much and she ugly cried "they aren't even teaching me to read!"
Mmmmkay kid. You're 3.

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Questions/WWYD re: 3yr old daycare situation

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