Is this normal and am I the ONLY one this happens to?

octobermama87 · June 2014

Ok so DH occasionally will go out with a buddy to a concert or to the bar to grab a few beers. NBD. It's seriously once every couple of months or so.

The thing is, is every time he makes plans to go out, he'll give me an estimated time that he'll be back but NEVER is back at the given time. I'm not talking like 30-45 mins late, I'm talking like 2-3 hrs past the time he told me he'd be home. Which obviously that in and of itself just pisses me off.

But the thing that really gets under my skin is hat when I try calling or texting him, whether it be once or 6 times, he will not answer my calls or reply to my texts.

My stomach was in knots last night bc he went to a concert with a friend/ co-worker (who he sees EVERYDAY btw), told me before he left he'd be home probably around 11:30-12. He didn't come home until 2am!!!!! Grrrrrr. I tried texting him a couple times to see if he was ok or on his way home, I tried calling him when he wouldn't respond to my texts- he didn't answer. Wtf?!?!?!? When he did come home I asked him like wtf dude? He was like well the concert ended around 11:30 and then he and friend stood outside in parking lot talking for the rest of the time. Oh, and he "never heard his phone go off" and then his phone died.

The ting is, he'll answer his phone for literally ANYONE else on the planet but not for me, his pregnant wife. ?!? Like give me a little more respect than that.

Andplusalso- he sees absolutely nothing wrong with that whole situation that went down last night. Even after I went upstairs to bed with tear filled eyes. He decided to sleep downstairs on the couch. Never came to bed. Jerk.

Does this happen to anyone else? Or is my hubby the only asshole when he's with friend/s. ????? Share suggestions and advice please.

8-|

ETA-the concert was a a bar/club and he said he only had 4 beers over the course of the night. But he had some troubles getting up the stairs (without being sloppy) and his speech was a tad bit slurred. ANOTHER reason I wanted him to call me, to make sure he didn't need me to pick him up.

X(

Poppy523 · June 2014

This would upset me, a lot. I don't mind DH going out with friends or having a few drinks, but I would be upset if he left me worrying about him and didn't respond to my calls or texts. I get that when you are talking with friends and hanging out that time can slip by without noticing but the fact that he said he only had 4 beers when he was clearly a little drunk and then did not hear his phone is what irks me a little. I don't like lies or shady actions. I would definitely want to talk this out with him and make sure he knows how it made you feel, especially that it scared you. I am sorry you had a rough night, Mama

octobermama87 · June 2014

luxannie said:

I also wanted to say that it took me and DH a bit of time to understand each other in situations like these. He felt like I was trying to control him. I'm not. I'm happy he's out having fun. Just when there's expectations of timing, then I immediately jump into worst case scenario worrying. If he's a good guy, he'll get it. He just sounds like he needs to mature a bit and consider your feelings and make good decisions.

The thing is though, we've been together for 6 years, married for 5 and he's turning 34 next month. He is a great guy except for in situations like these when he's with a friend. That's when he just doesn't care. He sees nothing wrong with it. And when I do confront him about it or tell him how I feel, he gets pissed off at me!!!? I have no idea why he has any right to be mad at me....maybe bc I get so emotional about it? Idk.

I am a hormonal pregnant woman currently.

octobermama87 · June 2014

luxannie said:

luxannie said:

I also wanted to say that it took me and DH a bit of time to understand each other in situations like these. He felt like I was trying to control him. I'm not. I'm happy he's out having fun. Just when there's expectations of timing, then I immediately jump into worst case scenario worrying. If he's a good guy, he'll get it. He just sounds like he needs to mature a bit and consider your feelings and make good decisions.

The thing is though, we've been together for 6 years, married for 5 and he's turning 34 next month. He is a great guy except for in situations like these when he's with a friend. That's when he just doesn't care. He sees nothing wrong with it. And when I do confront him about it or tell him how I feel, he gets pissed off at me!!!? I have no idea why he has any right to be mad at me....maybe bc I get so emotional about it? Idk.

I am a hormonal pregnant woman currently.
Yep. He should know better by now. I hink this is a convo that needs to be had in the light of day, with you doing your best to stay clear and not argumentative. Explain why you worry and ask him why he's angry and maybe encourage him to come up with a solution. He sounds like my DH a bit - super stubborn and when he feels like I'm trying to control him he wants to do the opposite. I needed to cool down my anger and find a way to get through to him. And he needed to express to me what the issues were and what he thought would be a reasonable resolution. Does that make any sense?

Yes it does. I definitely need to have a calm, cool talk with him. I'm just dreading it bc he likes to just shut down and shut me out if things get touchy. Or he'll just say whatever it is he thinks I want to hear but then next time, it's the same old bullshit. Just gets old.

Puck1182 · June 2014

Everything @luxannie‌ said. DH doesn't necessarily think to call me if he's going to be later than he originally expected, and he used to think me wanting to know what's going on was me trying to control him. Nope. Just scared something bad had happened and trying to make sure everything's ok.

Definitely try to have a conversation with him when you have calmed down and explain why it upsets you without getting emotional or sounding accusatory. If he still feels like he shouldn't have to give you a heads up if he's going to be late, that's a problem. But I know that when my DH did stuff like that, he wasn't trying to be a jerk, he just genuinely didn't understand why I was so upset.

octobermama87 · June 2014

verovladamir said:

Question: Is he ALWAYS off with his time estimates? Like in every day situations too? Is he just a terrible judge of time? Also, when he isn't out with his friends, is he completely easy to reach? Is this only when he goes on these "guys nights"? Is it only with one particular friend?

My H has done stuff like that. I remember he went out to a trivia contest thing- basically all day and I kept trying to call him because DS had been puking all day long. No answer at all. He seriously just hadn't even thought to look at his phone, apparently and it was too loud in there to hear it. Never even occurred to him (I know that this is the actual situation because he came home with the 2nd place trophy from the contest). Since that time we've laid out a few "rules."

I think it's tough for men sometimes. They don't want to feel like (and they don't want their friends to think) their wives are controlling their every move. I basically just told H that DS had been really sick and it was very scary for me to not be able to get a hold of him. So now, he NEEDS to at least check his phone. It's fine if he can't talk, but he needs to at least read texts or call me back in a few minutes. If he knows ahead of time that isn't an option (He has a group gaming thing with some of his friends and they play in a basement with like zero reception) he needs to let me know that he won't be reachable so I can contact someone else right away if I really need help/so I don't freak out when he doesn't answer.

In your situation, with pregnancy added I would be really clear. Maybe even add that you aren't so much mad or trying to be controlling as you are concerned. What would happen if you had to go to the hospital and he wasn't there?

It took a lot of time for H and I to come to a good place about stuff like this. He was an only child with kind of absent parents. He just came and went as he pleased. I was the oldest of five with very strict parents, so I'm used to everyone always having to check in always. It was a "cultural" difference for us. And certainly one that we had to spend a lot of time working out.

I would say that he may be off a lot with his time estimates, but not by 2-3 hours. That only happens when he goes out with buddies. It's not just when he's out with his buddies that he won't answer my call, it's when he's with anyone at all. Most of the time, if he's not by himself, he won't answer my call.

It's exactly what you said though, what if I (esp being pregnant) needed him ASAP?!? I don't have family or friends that I can just drop DS off at in case of an emergency. DH's parents are older and have not a lot of "common sense" when it comes to taking care of babies/toddlers. And I just wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him with them at their house. They've only baby sat once (just last week) for the first time ever simply bc I don't trust their judgement on things dealing with DS.

DH definitely needs to be more considerate of my feelings on these situations. Which I'm not sure how to really make/ help him understand that.

mishka29 · June 2014

This doesn't happen in my house bc there have been a lot of conversations that ended with "for all I know you are dead in a ditch!"

I don't care that he's out, that he's late or whatever....just let me know! Its not too much to ask, its not about control, its about being responsible.

ally2011 · June 2014

I think you need to have a talk with him about expectations and you all need to agree to some because you are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I personally think it is irresponsible to be unavailable when you have a spouse and child who may need you. My dh thinks cell phones are used like leashes and hates them. But, that is not the issue here. The issue here is that he is telling you one thing (I will be home at 12) and doing another, not showing up until much later. I think that is just not being a very good friend. It is rude and hurtful to let someone worry about you for an extra 2 hours. It sounds to me like he got drunk, lost track of time, and tried to sober up before coming home perhaps. Driving drunk is also extremely irresponsible in general, and especially when you have children.

I am all for married people having time for themselves, but it should be done in a way that still respects your spouse and is responsible. Again, I think you all need to get on the same page with your expectations about what is and is not ok in your marriage.

Rosebean · June 2014

Not answering his phone is a pretty dick move. It's like he knows your calling about him being late, so he's worried about getting in trouble (like a little school boy). So instead of a precautionary "gonna be home later- love u" text, he just gets into deeper trouble because he's scared to report in?

I don't know. DH doesn't normally tell me when to expect him home when he is out. The only thing that I expect from him is if he drinks too much and has to stay at a buddy's home. Then he must text me (no matter the time) to let me know the scoop. Other than that, he gets home when he gets home. I don't stay up for him. But, I may be more conditioned to sleep in the bed without him because he works night shifts.

octobermama87 · June 2014

Thanks for all your advice ladies. I love you guys, like so much.

I was a nice wifey and made him coffee then (about a half hour later) I had a brief talk with DH and just told him straight up (well, he was laying down nursing his hangover) that I was just worried about him last night bc he told me before he left that the concert would be over between 11-11:30ish, blah, blah, blah.....and to next time just please check his phone periodically to see if I've been trying to get ahold of him bc I am pregnant and we do have a toddler and a situation may pop up where I need to reach him ASAP. And to please just call me if he thinks he's not going to be home around the time he told me so I don't stay up all night worrying and wondering wth is going on. (I literally had chest pains last night bc I was so worried that I had my adrenaline pumping and my heart was racing)

He said he didn't even realize how late it was and agreed to the above next time he goes out.

Only time will tell I guess. We will see.

fignewt74 · June 2014

verovladamir said:

Puck1182 said:

Everything @luxannie‌ said. DH doesn't necessarily think to call me if he's going to be later than he originally expected, and he used to think me wanting to know what's going on was me trying to control him. Nope. Just scared something bad had happened and trying to make sure everything's ok. Definitely try to have a conversation with him when you have calmed down and explain why it upsets you without getting emotional or sounding accusatory. If he still feels like he shouldn't have to give you a heads up if he's going to be late, that's a problem. But I know that when my DH did stuff like that, he wasn't trying to be a jerk, he just genuinely didn't understand why I was so upset.

Seriously all of this. Husbands think wives are being controlling and nosey. Women think men are being insensitive jerks. Turns out it's all a huge misunderstanding. I automatically assume the worst. Can't get ahold of husband on his way home from work? He probably died in a flaming car wreck. Truth? He stopped for milk and left his phone in the car.
But I needed him to know that about me. To realize that I need to hear from him, even if it is just a text, because I will freak out. A lot.

I do think it's bad that you've had the conversation lots of times and he still isn't getting it. Though after 4 years we juuuuuuuuuuust started getting it. He though I was mad that he going out with his friends, when really it was more that I didn't get to go out with my friends. So we agreed that if he goes out at night, I get the whole day to do whatever I want. It's been amazing to have one saturday a month to just go have lunch and go shopping (totally kid free) with a friend or my sister or something.

This is such a great point. I think men and women are just wired differently.

We have been in this situation many times. DH is 41 and we have been married for over 10 years yet we still have trouble with this, he goes in waves where he is better and then starts slacking off again. He has a work dinner tomorrow night, so we will see...

I have found what helps is to keep the "rules" simple. Like, pick the one thing that bothers you the most (put your phone on vibrate so will know if I'm calling/texting, or let me know if you are going to be more than 30 minutes late, or check your phone every 20 min or so, etc) and start with that. We try to have a little "prep talk" before events so we are not having misunderstandings in the heat of the moment. My suggestion - have a chat with him RIGHT before he leaves next time so its fresh in his mind. To liven it up, set a "punishment" if he doesn't follow-through. Use your imagination

wells2010 · June 2014

he should have at least texted to let you know he was ok and going to be late. Maybe he didn't want to start an argument or have to ask you to stay out later in front of his buddy? As they say... sometimes it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Also, my husband always tells me he will be home by X and is ALWAYS 1-2 hours late. (this is coming home from work, buddy's house, etc). I know now to add the extra time to his estimate! He does a pretty good job though of letting me know he's ok (as I sometimes will freak out that he got into an accident or something if I don't hear from him).

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