Am I being Unreasonable?

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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cuntasaurusrex · June 2014

I think both sides of your argument are valid and all that really matters here is what you prefer or will feel better about in the long run.

ADC1979 · June 2014

If I were you, I'd sit down (or have a nice phone call) with your Mom and let her know exactly what you've told us. It sounds to me like you would have the most peace of mind from her not attending the birth, and perhaps coming to visit at a later time. She probably wouldn't want to add any stress to your labor with you being worried about her drive, and it sounds like it would be added stress to have them stay in your apartment after baby has gone home. I'd say if they want to foot the bill for a nearby hotel, and you're comfortable with them coming to visit you after baby's home, that would be a reasonable thing to offer.

I think it's very important for your health and wellness and for your ability to bond with baby that you not have additional worries placed on you! My in-laws are very understanding of this so they won't be coming down till Thanksgiving.

zellatrix · June 2014

You just gotta go with your gut. But, leave the worries about them traveling out of it, you said they are familiar with the drive and you will have other stuff to worry about. I would, however, tell them you would prefer if they get a hotel.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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likeanoldtimemovie · June 2014

I said SS. I get wanting your time with just you and the baby because we want that, too. We originally were going to call everyone after baby was born, but it upset a lot of family. I know it's my birth/my delivery, but I know how important it is to my family, too. I gave in. We'll call when we head to the hospital, but we will have the first hour or so just to ourselves.

I guess knowing that you are your mom's only child and this is likely her only grandchild is what gets me. I don't think you're unreasonable, but if this isn't a hill to die on, I'd let her come. Tell her she'll need a hotel and that you want time with just DH and baby first, but I'd let her be at the hospital when baby is born.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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marsalisails · June 2014

Unless she has the luxury of just coming out around your due date to hang out until the baby comes So that she can just be there, then I don't think she had the luxury of asking for this.

stellabella1122 · June 2014

I definitely don't think you are being unreasonable. However, playing devil's advocate...I think that if your parents want to be at the hospital badly enough to make the drive, get a hotel, and potentially spend a day or two waiting around for the baby to be born, why not let them have that grandparent experience? Granted, I am a FTM, so in a few weeks I may may look back at this and want to slap myself, but I don't see the harm in it (assuming you all have good relationships and get along). My only L&D waiting room experience was a few years ago for my sister, when me and my parents drove (1 hour) to the hospital when she was in labor. The hospital was really good about not letting too many of us in the room at once, and limiting the time we were in there, so really about 95% of our time was in the waiting room, which was totally fine with us. It was just nice to be there and see her for a few minutes before and after delivery. Could you tell your parents that you anticipate that any pre- and post-delivery hospital visits would be limited to a few minutes each because you'll need to rest and bond with baby, so that they know that they won't be camped out at your bedside the whole time?

kay anthony · June 2014

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, you can and should ask them not to be there if that is what you are most comfortable with. But be aware they may decide to come anyway if you tell them about the birth in advance. DH and I don't plan to call anyone until after the baby arrives for this very reason. In fact, we asked my Mum not to visit until about a month after my due date (she lives 2500 mi away) because I don't want house guests or unsolicited opinions before then. She told me that she was coming the weekend after the birth and she didn't care what I thought. So guess who is the last on my list to call?

AmandaAug506 · June 2014

I am in a similar situation as my mom lives 3 hours away and wants to be here for the birth. I am fortunate that she is retired so she has plenty of time to wait for baby to arrive :-)

I would just saying making your wishes clear to them is important. But if it is going to be their only grandchild, and you are there only child, it really may be a once in a lifetime experience for them that I would want them to have. My mom will be in the the room as I am her only daughter and I plan on this being our only biological child (maybe adoption in the future) We had a long discussion about what would happen when he arrives and what my DH and I would like to see happen when we are home from the hospital for those first few days. Like many said above, make your wishes clear, and they are adults and can handle your honesty. Its nice you have a supportive set of parents ot be there for you :-)

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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AKB090609 · June 2014

It's your baby and your birth, if you don't want her (or anyone else for that matter) to be there then they should not be there. We are in a similar situation, our families live 5+ hours away and I don't want anyone but DH to be there when baby is born. Last time the came up the day after DD was born, this time my mom will stay with DD at our home and we will allow visitors the day after baby is born.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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[Deleted User] · June 2014

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bullybutt · June 2014

Luckynumbers81 said:

I'll out myself, I voted yes.

First of all, all of your arguments are all valid, but, I'm totally projecting. My mom died years ago and I wouldn't care if she came via donkey, I would have given anything to have her with me at the hospital. So when I read your post here were my thoughts in blue:

-It's a long drive and I feel like I'll be worried about them traveling (probably rushing) on top of the stress of actual labor
(Your parents are adults and I'm sure have made the trip before, they will get there when they get there and you will have plenty of other things to focus on)

-She might not even make it on time for the birth or on the flip side I might be in labor for a few days and it seems silly that she would drive down and miss work to sit around and wait
(Your parents had you so they know how this goes, they know that there isn't some sort of exact time table, and this is their first and possibly only grand baby, I'm sure they think you and the baby are worth the time off)

-We don't have room for them to stay in our apartment with the increase of baby stuff all over (they usually sleep on an air mattress) so they would need to get a hotel... which seems excessive.
(Again, they are adults it is their choice)

-My husband and I are really loners and enjoy time alone and would like to enjoy time with the baby in the beginning before everyone starts to visit.
(In my experience visitors came and went, you will have plenty of alone time with your little one, tons of it)

I voted yes, but I certainly think your worries are valid and it's ultimately your choice. I know that during my labor, which was long and ROUGH, there was only so much support that my ex could handle. I had my mom and sister there and was so glad that I did. They took turns holding me up, rubbing my back, doing what needed to be done to help me get through it. Some people might not have that experience, but I was glad that they all got a break from me and did "shift work". My mom also took pictures so that ex and I could focus on our newborn baby. She scrammed shortly after DS arrived because she was exhausted from the whole ordeal. So it's not like she's going to be in your face, cramping your style...hopefully.

RJHarmon · June 2014

Luckynumbers81 said:

I'll out myself, I voted yes.

First of all, all of your arguments are all valid, but, I'm totally projecting. My mom died years ago and I wouldn't care if she came via donkey, I would have given anything to have her with me at the hospital. So when I read your post here were my thoughts in blue:

-It's a long drive and I feel like I'll be worried about them traveling (probably rushing) on top of the stress of actual labor
(Your parents are adults and I'm sure have made the trip before, they will get there when they get there and you will have plenty of other things to focus on)

-She might not even make it on time for the birth or on the flip side I might be in labor for a few days and it seems silly that she would drive down and miss work to sit around and wait
(Your parents had you so they know how this goes, they know that there isn't some sort of exact time table, and this is their first and possibly only grand baby, I'm sure they think you and the baby are worth the time off)

-We don't have room for them to stay in our apartment with the increase of baby stuff all over (they usually sleep on an air mattress) so they would need to get a hotel... which seems excessive.
(Again, they are adults it is their choice)

-My husband and I are really loners and enjoy time alone and would like to enjoy time with the baby in the beginning before everyone starts to visit.
(In my experience visitors came and went, you will have plenty of alone time with your little one, tons of it)

I still have my mom, but I agree with all of this. I get that it is your "moment," but grandparents have limited "moments" as well. If this is likely her only chance to be at the birth of a grandchild, then I would likely do my best to accomodate her.

cookieinva · June 2014

I think your concerns of the long deive, whether she makes it or misses it, having to stay in a hotel...all the travel-related concerns aren't ultimately your concern. So I feel like those shouldn't be a factor. It should come down to whether you are comfortable with he visiting or not. If she isn't staying at your place I'd be inclined to allow her to visit since she feels so strongly. You're about to have a baby. How might you feel years from now when your baby is having a baby and you want to be there? Not saying her desires trump yours, just saying don't overlook or underestimate hers. Good luck whatever you decide.

stellabella1122 · June 2014

shanicenicolle said:

stellabella1122 said:

I definitely don't think you are being unreasonable. However, playing devil's advocate...I think that if your parents want to be at the hospital badly enough to make the drive, get a hotel, and potentially spend a day or two waiting around for the baby to be born, why not let them have that grandparent experience? Granted, I am a FTM, so in a few weeks I may may look back at this and want to slap myself, but I don't see the harm in it (assuming you all have good relationships and get along). My only L&D waiting room experience was a few years ago for my sister, when me and my parents drove (1 hour) to the hospital when she was in labor. The hospital was really good about not letting too many of us in the room at once, and limiting the time we were in there, so really about 95% of our time was in the waiting room, which was totally fine with us. It was just nice to be there and see her for a few minutes before and after delivery. Could you tell your parents that you anticipate that any pre- and post-delivery hospital visits would be limited to a few minutes each because you'll need to rest and bond with baby, so that they know that they won't be camped out at your bedside the whole time?

I could tell them but they definitely would not listen. I think my biggest issue is that they don't listen and usually do what they want so it's kind of a wild card situation on what will happen.

Ah, I see. Do you know whether the hospital would support you in deciding who can visit and when? I know my hospital has a form birth plan, and one of the sections addresses visitors. I could see the nurses playing "bad cop" and limiting the time visitors are in your room.

Soon2BMrsN · June 2014

I think you've received a lot of good advice in this post. I voted NO because my parents and ILs are the same way (they think they HAVE to be in the waiting room) BUT even though they can be a pain (my mom especially), I just don't have the heart to tell them that they can't be there for the birth of a grandchild. But I totally get it. Once we get home from the hospital, I try to limit my parents' visits as much as I can. (edit: added a word)

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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Jillybean100 · June 2014

I voted no. I think your concerns are definitely valid. My no vote is based on my experience with visitors after DD was born. My in-laws came to visit 2 days after we arrived home from the hospital. They didn't stay with us, but the visit was pretty awful and still makes me mad to think about. I was recovering from a c-section and working through major breastfeeding issues and they were not helpful at all for any of us in any way (husband, DD, or me). They were at our apartment all day and aside from cooking one meal did not really do much of anything including holding/helping with DD. They must have forgotten what life was like with a newborn since they basically acted bored and wanted to leave early which upset DH. This time around we're doing things differently and nixed their plans to visit when the baby will likely be less than a month old. Thus, I really think you and your DH should do what you think is best since you can't get that time back.

cookieinva · June 2014

OK...I thought it was more like she wants to visit right away and you'd prefer some days/weeks before any visitors. Now it sounds more like she wants to be at the hospital for labor or something like that? That, to me, is a different story. If she wants to come visit, fine, but it is up to you who is in the delivery room. If she can't abide your wishes for that, she should not come to visit.

livkight · June 2014

Nothing new to add, just have to mention that this is literally the one and only time I'm so thankful that both sets of our parents live 20+ hours away! I'd hate to have to make this decision.

LyndseylovesHugh · June 2014

My parents were in the waiting room while I was in labor but I made it perfectly clear only my mom could be in the room with me. So my dad and stepdad were there and felt like they were getting their grandparent experience but I honestly had no clue that they were out there the entire time. I think you should do what ever you are comfortable with, your labor, your rules, but if your mom is fine with just sitting in the waiting room you may not even notice she is there.

knitsandgiggles · June 2014

Does your mom want to be in the hospital or in the delivery room with you guys?

I can see both sides of your argument. It is tough to know how you will be feeling post delivery and you may be really happy to have her there. My ILs live 8 hours away and while we called them while I was going in for induction, they didn't start driving until we called at 4am to say she had been born. I really thought I wanted to have just three of us in the house, but was thankful for them being here when we got home from the hospital. They helped clean, they brought tons of snacks, and they gave DH a different sort of companionship while DD and I were trying to figure out breastfeeding.

Since you are the only child and this will be their first grandchild, see how explaining that you want some alone time as a new family before visitors goes over with them. I'm assuming you are talking about in the hospital or did you mean at home too?)

Also, about the hotel, they are going to have to get one at whatever point they decide to come visit since the air mattress isn't an option anymore, so I wouldn't even worry about that.

SuperTinkerham · June 2014

I have serious mommy issues - so I will put it this way - what's best for you, DH and Baby? Do that!! No time for guilt.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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knitsandgiggles · June 2014

@shanicenicolle‌ - okay, now knowing that she wants to be in the delivery room and knowing that you and your DH don't want her in there I say no, you are not being unreasonable.

I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be in your most vulnerable, probably most naked moment of your life worrying about your mother while you are trying to bring your child into the world. Some people have that sort of relationship with their parents, but if you don't, there is no forcing it now, first grandchild of only child or not.

LyndseylovesHugh · June 2014

shanicenicolle said:

knittylady said:
Does your mom want to be in the hospital or in the delivery room with you guys?

I can see both sides of your argument. It is tough to know how you will be feeling post delivery and you may be really happy to have her there. My ILs live 8 hours away and while we called them while I was going in for induction, they didn't start driving until we called at 4am to say she had been born. I really thought I wanted to have just three of us in the house, but was thankful for them being here when we got home from the hospital. They helped clean, they brought tons of snacks, and they gave DH a different sort of companionship while DD and I were trying to figure out breastfeeding.

Since you are the only child and this will be their first grandchild, see how explaining that you want some alone time as a new family before visitors goes over with them. I'm assuming you are talking about in the hospital or did you mean at home too?)

Also, about the hotel, they are going to have to get one at whatever point they decide to come visit since the air mattress isn't an option anymore, so I wouldn't even worry about that.
She wants to be in delivery room. I'd be less stressed about the waiting room honestly. And duh (to me) on the hotel idk why I even mentioned that lmao

Being a grandparent does not entitle you to be in the delivery room. It is a very personal time, you are naked or close to it, you are very exposed and vulnerable. You should never have any one in there that you are not 100% comfortable with being there. She needs to understand this, it is your call.

TurtleMonsters · June 2014

I didn't vote. I wouldn't want my mom in there. I was rushed into an emergency C, she would have lost her crap. I appreciated seeing her a couple of hours later. Seems like you're similar wanting a little private time and then OK to have her there.

Your labor, your delivery. Your decision. Don't choose something that is annoying or you'll regret because of how someone else feels. This is the one thing we should have a choice of without feelign guilty.

The two things that are GOING To happen my "birthplan" involve are immediate skin to skin and no visitors until we say it's OK. I didn't have those two last time and it really has stuck with me for years to have it this time.

INmommy871278 · June 2014

I voted no. My mom was called when my water broke and they made the 2 hour drive up to the hospital. They then sat in the room, we have labor/delivery/recovery or LDR rooms, and watched tv leaving when they did anything that showed too much. I'm pretty sure my dad actually took a nap too. I didn't want them in the room because I felt like I had to entertain them even though I didn't have to do anything obviously. DH insisted on calling them so I relented and let him. The biggest thing that bothered me was after DS was born, I wanted and hour or two to bond with DS and DH, but I didn't get that time. I sent DH to let them know DS was here and all was well, but I was still getting stitched up and what not. As soon as all the nurses and doctors cleared out, DH was asking if my parents could come in because they were waiting so I felt like I had to let them come in. This time, they will have DS and I have already expressed several times that I do not want DS at the hospital until after baby is here; I want them to hang out at our house with DS then we will call when DD gets here. I actually talked to my mom about this again today.

Like PPs said, do what is best for you. My personal experience made me vote no you are not being unreasonable. If you and your DH are on the same page and he doesn't faulter at go time, then them being in the waiting area could be a good compromise.

gallifreygirl · June 2014

I would be very clear with her that the only person you want to have in the delivery room with you is DH. If you tell them when you're in labor, which you don't have to do, you can't really stop them from making the trip down and sitting in the waiting room but I would be very upfront with them about what to expect when they get there.

Soon2BMrsN · June 2014

knittylady said:
@shanicenicolle‌ - okay, now knowing that she wants to be in the delivery room and knowing that you and your DH don't want her in there I say no, you are not being unreasonable.

I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be in your most vulnerable, probably most naked moment of your life worrying about your mother while you are trying to bring your child into the world. Some people have that sort of relationship with their parents, but if you don't, there is no forcing it now, first grandchild of only child or not.

+1

shamyfowler · June 2014

I would not allow her in during delivery. It's such an intimate moment, and you should feel completely comfortable with who is there with you. And be up front with the nurses, tell them only DH is allowed during delivery. I'm sure they'll have you fill out paperwork stating who is allowed during delivery. And after, when you've had the time with your new little family, then she can be allowed in for "grandparent' time. The nurses will definitely be on your side and can and will enforce your wishes.

MTAtlanta · June 2014

TheAnne said:
SS: I would call after the baby is born and be like, OMG baby came so fast!

This really happened for us! Ds was 9# at 37 weeks but everything still happened a lot faster than they predict with a ftm.

I went natural so was up walking around and "recovered" right away but it still took a little while to be moved to our room. I took that time to ask the staff to hold everyone back until i was situated and comfortable and they did the best they could. (dh was with ds for all the tests they do so he couldn't do much.)

I still hear about it to this day how "i saw visitors and grandparents going back there way before they let us!" And how they waited sooo looong. We called them right after ds arrived and told them to take their time and be patient but that didn't help.

So, you'll hear about it for years no matter what you do! If they are willing to drive and wait and pay for a hotel I'd let them, but no need to alert them until lo has arrived and use dh and the hospital staff to keep the well meaning but persistent family at bay.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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ghostof5letters · June 2014

I feel like calling afterwards and saying "OMG she came so fast..." Is outright lying and I'm against that.

Did you tell your mom you don't want anyone else in the delivery room? You need to communicate clearly. You're an adult, and it's time to take control of things.

As for the travel/hotel thing. This is just dumb. They are adults, you stressing over their drive? Come on...give me a break. You're being overly dramatic and pulling excuses out of your butt.

Put on your BGPs and have an adult conversation with your mom. If you're comfortable with her being in the waiting room, then offer that alternative.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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ghostof5letters · June 2014

So if you've had the conversation and given her the waiting room option (or no option, it's your choice) then this has all been resolved.

She just can't show up and be let in your room. Hospitals don't work that way with L&D.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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