Talk me down

AppleGrapeMSTK · June 2014

There is this 11 year old girl four houses down. Last summer she and DD (10) were best buddies. Throughout the school year they started drifting apart which is fine and normal, except that this girl is now a huuuuuge bully. Around spring she screamed across the street that DD was ugly- while I was standing right there!

So I yelled back something like, 'Excuse you! How dare you? I know where you live and who your mother is!' A few months after that, she came over to apologize because DD was the only one in the neighborhood to play with that day. She tried inviting herself over for dinner that same night, and when I told her no, she called me a bitch. She stole DD's shoes and shoved her to the ground several times since.

DD has avoided this girl at all costs, but the bully keeps coming by our house. This girl got about fifteen other kids in the neighborhood to stand outside our house, in our yard, and call her names this weekend. DH told them to leave, and they wouldn't, so he called the police. They, of course, bolted. When the police left, they all stood outside on the sidewalk calling DD a bitch and DH a fat jerk. We got in the car and left for the night.

Today as I was driving through the neighborhood with DD in the frot seat, we passed the bully girl, who started screaming things like 'you fucking bitch' at us and flipping DD off. My first instinct was to run this brat over with my van.

Her parents are no help. They seriously give me the, 'kids will be kids- you chose to move here' spiel. The fuck. Every part of me wants to destroy this 11 year old. Like break everything that is alive- I want to call her a bitch to her face, slap her, and tell her that her parents dot love her. Harsh, I know. I haven't done it, but I can't control how badly I want to hurt her so deep she can't fix it. Don't mess with my kid.

We have already called te police once as her parents don't give a shit. Other than keep my kid inside all summer, what do I do? What would you do?

Lauren1184 · June 2014

Wow, I'm totally appalled that anyone (let alone an 11 yr old girl) could behave this way. I'm really sorry, since you've already discovered the parents are useless, legal action is the only thing I can think of. Since you've already called the police once, maybe you can file a harassment complaint and get some kind of restraining order? Do they give those out for 11 yr olds? Sorry I can't be of more help.

Aarg · June 2014

Ugh... So disrespectful. Kids these days are ridiculous.
I would keep calling the police as it is a public nucince and a noise ordinance if they are shouting outside of your house. They are obviously disturbing others like your neighbors.
I believe you can also file a complaint with the police dept as the situation could (hopefully not) lead to emotional/mental issues such as depression and anxiety.
Depending on what time of day it is (if your town has a curfew policy) they can get a hefty fine for being out after a certain time of day.
I'm sorry you DD is going thru that...
Keep your head up. I would probably beat the living hell out of the parents myself

MrMrsandBaby · June 2014

Sadly, I agree with @Lauren1184 (sad because it seems to have come to this, not because I think it is bad advice). I think you should keep calling the police and also (however useless) keep talking to the parents.

This is going to be a UO I'm sure, but I would also try to get some of her antics on video so it isn't a "my word against hers" type of thing.

Finally, I would install motion sensor lights on your house. It is just a matter of time before this escalates and the kid tries to do something to your house.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, what a shitty neighbor.

staryb · June 2014

Wow, I don't know that I want to talk you down, you are well within your right to be upset here! Kids can be so horrible to each other but it's the parents who are really disgusting me here. "kids will be kids" is not a good enough response when their child is being a bully and getting the whole neighborhood to gang up on one little girl. Especially not when she's using that kind of language. And how dare they blame you you for "choosing to live" there. You didn't choose your home based on who lived on the street and you shouldn't have to!

I'm not sure what advice I can really give you here but I do want to say how sorry I am that you have to put up with this. It doesn't sound like there is any way to get through to the parents but that is probably the only (legal) way to get their kid under control. Then again, if calling the police on them didn't get their attention I don't know what will.

ETA: Grammar. And also to say that I agree with PPs that you should keep calling the police and see where that gets you.

wildflower75 · June 2014

Agree with what everyone said and I'm soo sorry you have to deal with this and how terrible for your DD!
I would try one last time to meet with the bully's parents (both you and your DH) to try to talk things out and see what can be resolved.

ariel06 · June 2014

Can you get a restraining order against her?

Emerald27 · June 2014

I would absolutely try to get a video or at least audio recording (or as many as you can) of your and DD's encounters with this girl.

Does your daughter need to speak with someone about this? Sometimes kids internalize bullying and it's hard to see the effects. I'd keep a close eye on DD and try to get her any help she needs if you think she might benefit.

Lastly, I agree with PP that you should continue calling the police so that there are reports of this girl's activities. You might also consider speaking with an attorney and looking at further options.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Geez, kids these days. Someone needs a spanking!

Seriously, I would feel the same way you do if I were in your position. What an awful, horrible little girl. I feel so terribly for your DD. I don't have any advice but I hope things do get better for you guys. What a crappy situation.

Maggie6424 · June 2014

Holy bad parenting, batman!!!

I'm with you, it would take ALL my self control to not destroy that little brat and slap her mother.

So here's what I'd do. Give the parents one more chance.. tell them that this is getting out of control, and either they get their kid in line or you're going to press charges. It's absolutely unacceptable for a child to speak to an adult that way, let alone bully a kid all the while their parents know about it. I would continue to call the police, and if they dismiss you, go to the station and ask to speak with someone above an officer. Most places now days take bullying very seriously, as it can escalate quickly. Keep a log/notebook and document everything she does and when you spoke to her parents. Your daughter's mental health is at stake here, and I wouldn't stop until someone made it stop.

I don't think you can get a restraining order against a minor, but the law differs by state. You can keep filing a police report to show the pattern. I'd call daily if things happen that often.

Saragoeswest · June 2014

I support the counseling suggestion for both your daughter and your family. You need more of an outlet for these feeling than friends or an online forum. Professional guidance could keep you from reacting in a way you will regret.

ashie0610 · June 2014

I am so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this. It is horrifying to me that a little girl could be so hateful. My first thought was to record it as several other PPs have suggested. Bullying is a really serious claim these days and if the parents and police don't want to listen to you, I'm sure there are plenty of local news outlets that would be happy to out them as the terrible people they seem to be.

pnwlover12 · June 2014

ashie0610 said:
I am so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this. It is horrifying to me that a little girl could be so hateful. My first thought was to record it as several other PPs have suggested. Bullying is a really serious claim these days and if the parents and police don't want to listen to you, I'm sure there are plenty of local news outlets that would be happy to out them as the terrible people they seem to be.

I second the public shaming option. If it doesn't stop, call all of the tv/newspaper people you can. I'm so sorry you and your family is going through this.

staryb · June 2014

Just a thought but is there any chance that the parents are doing anything wrong or illegal themselves? You said that this girl used to be good friends w/DD, I'm wondering what happened to change that. Is something possibly going on at home or is she rebelling because her parents are obviously not taking an interest in her life?

Heartwood0519 · June 2014

Oh my gosh, what a horrible child! I'm SO sorry you and your daughter are going through this. As a child that age, I remember crying to my mom and pretending to be sick just so I wouldn't have to go to school and have the other girls be mean to me.

I would try talking to the parents again and tell them exactly what their daughter is doing and how it's not okay. Tell them that if they don't do anything about it, that you will go to the police.

No one has mentioned this, and maybe I'm just out of date or something, but I would fear that my child would get ridiculed even more by other children, not just the one causing problems at the moment, because of police involvement. It sounds like this bully has an army following her, so while it may stop with one, there's no guarantee with the others. Am I wrong to think that?

Then again, maybe the police will scare them all into doing the right thing.

Sorry, I'm not much help!

Jennifer18131 · June 2014

Definitely continue to call the police to report the harassment. It sounds like they just showed up last time and didn't do much else, but if you call and ask to file a report, they will likely talk to the child and her parents. IDK where you are or what the laws are, but there is a likelihood that the parents could be charged as well for contributing to the delinquency of a minor (or your state's equivalent). You may even want to call the district attorney's office to file for a restraining order against the child and her parents. Make sure you document dates, times and actions.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Wow. I'm appalled that you have to deal with this and that parents would knowingly allow their child to act this way. I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you. What a tough situation.

bumpuser10309732 · June 2014

I just want to say wtf and I had no idea you were neighbors to the spawn of Satan. It's clear that her parents lack of giving a shit is carrying over into their child's attitude. I'm seriously appalled that a 12 year old is acting like that! And then I remember my best friend's little cousin was the SAME WAY. I've never wanted to punch a child more in my life! I'm really sorry you and your daughter are going through that. Bullying from a girl is like nothing else. I would feel like kicking into mama bear the same way that you do. I would do like PP mentioned and record everything said, dates, times etc and get her for harassment. With her threatening your daughter in that way I don't see how you couldn't get a restraining order on her. Just tell the police you're worried about your daughter's safety and have proof and its irrefutable. It won't do any good to go back to the parents and critique their parenting style. Maybe a police presence would help to calm things down. If the police don't do anything I say record the next horrible thing that happens like that and go straight to Facebook sharing it to everyone and their dog!

vrj0522 · June 2014

You've gotten some great advice and I have nothing to add except to say I'm sorry your family is going through this and you have every right to do whatever is needed (legally, clearly) to make them stop.

MrsL2B · June 2014

I'm so sorry you have to deal with these awful people. Kids will be terrible! I could never understand why anyone liked reading Lord of the Flies; it just seemed all too realistic to me.

I definitely would continue to record the events and keep the police involved, but I also really like the idea of getting local news coverage to shame the entire family. Bullying is a hugely popular topic with local media, and I think it would give them less of an opportunity to retaliate than posting videos of that miserable child in action online yourself.

Jennifer18131 · June 2014

I agree with recording and videoing the events, but I strongly disagree with making it viral. 1. It's no better than what the child is doing and the parents are allowing; 2. Teens and preteens are made "famous" for this kind of stuff and it may be the push she needs to go farther and actually inflict damage on your child, your home, or you.

The recordings should be made for the specific purpose of the police, district attorney, or your personal attorney.

Jennifer18131 · June 2014

Also, if these two go to the same school, or if any of the other kids involved go to DD's school, I would contact school administration to have them watching to make sure this stuff doesn't happen at school. I would ask that they contact you immediately with any information on bullying or harassment and take a zero tolerance approach. This information should also be passed along to the police or your district attorney.

MuffinMom14 · June 2014

I kept reading on, thinking "she has to get a lawyer."

You do.

persephonerose · June 2014

I am so sorry your family is experiencing this. I think I would feel exactly like you do.

If you have time maybe visit this website. They have a map of all the states and give an overview of what laws/policies govern bullying in that state. They also have other good tips on how to deal with it and talk to your child about it.

I agree with PP, get a lawyer, document, and keep calling the cops. Also when summer ends, make sure you take that information to the school so they are aware of the previous bullying issues because it can be so easy for it to reoccur once the kids are away from parents.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/index.html

pinkshades05 · June 2014

I'm in agreement with the pp's who mentioned documenting everything. Get it on video, write down in a notebook what happened, when, who was there/present, etc. If there are other kids involved, get their names (or as many names as you can). And file a report against every child who is contributing to the bullying along with the original girl. If the girl's parents aren't going stop it, it will force other kids to stop.

Also, be sure to talk to the administration at your daughter's school (when school is in session) so they can be aware of what is going on. Start this paper trail early so if it happens at school, the administration can be quick to squash it (and if they don't, you've started the paper trail for a lawsuit).

If multiple police reports do not stop the bullying, then I would consult a lawyer and press charges on the parents for not putting a stop to it. Go as far as you can to put a stop to this or it can get ugly quick.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. What an awful situation

lrobi13 · June 2014

Yep, document these events for your records (video if possible) and share with the police and school (when it is in session) . Try to speak with a local attorney about this behavior problem to see what your options are since she is 11 it makes it difficult.

I can't believe that the parents are so negligent in regards to their child's behavior. You and your family are in a horrible situation and I hope you have a positive outcome soon.

AppleGrapeMSTK · June 2014

Thank you to everyone who replied. I was half worried that someone would be appalled that I want to say terrible things to this girl. I'm relieved to know that the Mama Bear instinct is universal.

I don't know how I feel about going to the news because I don't want DD to get that kind of attention. She is adopted from a troubled home, and I really don't want to have anyone have an excuse to drag her through that.

I just spoke with a police friend (yay for working corrections!) and it seems like a minor must be 12 to be charged with something (like harassment), and in order to press charges anyway, we need physical evidence. They cannot issue a restraining order or charge her with harassment (even if she is of age) unless there is video of it. In the meantime, I am told to keep filing complaints with the police non-emergency number to keep a record of it. It may eventually get to the point where the police are tired of dealing with showing up to take a report that they talk with the parents themselves or use a 'scare tactic' to frighten the child into behaving. Since we already called the police, the kid/parents should know that we are serious, and it will likely slow things down.

Again, thanks to everyone who read this and offered sympathy/advice!

pnwlover12 · June 2014

AppleGrapeMSTK said:
Thank you to everyone who replied. I was half worried that someone would be appalled that I want to say terrible things to this girl. I'm relieved to know that the Mama Bear instinct is universal.

I don't know how I feel about going to the news because I don't want DD to get that kind of attention. She is adopted from a troubled home, and I really don't want to have anyone have an excuse to drag her through that.

I just spoke with a police friend (yay for working corrections!) and it seems like a minor must be 12 to be charged with something (like harassment), and in order to press charges anyway, we need physical evidence. They cannot issue a restraining order or charge her with harassment (even if she is of age) unless there is video of it. In the meantime, I am told to keep filing complaints with the police non-emergency number to keep a record of it. It may eventually get to the point where the police are tired of dealing with showing up to take a report that they talk with the parents themselves or use a 'scare tactic' to frighten the child into behaving. Since we already called the police, the kid/parents should know that we are serious, and it will likely slow things down.

Again, thanks to everyone who read this and offered sympathy/advice!

I didn't even think of the negative attention tv exposure might bring your DD. ITA with you and wouldn't want that for my daughter ever.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Emerald27 · June 2014

Please document everything and record what you can, but submit none or it to the news and put none on social media. That's for your records so that you can legally do something about it. ...a judge is not going to look favorably on someone putting recordings of someone else's child on Facebook. YOU stay in the right and you'll have a better case.

reneenearl · June 2014

I am sorry you and your family are going through this you have gotten some great advice.

It just breaks my heart that your daughter is going through this. I do think the school needs to be notified so they can keep a close eye on what is going on at home.

I fear that this other child, the bully, is being set up for a destructive life style. She is so young and so out of control and her parents are failing to hold her accountable for her actions and not providing her with the supervision that her behaviors require.

I know you said you reached out to the parents and they were not concerned, but I am curious if you have reached out to any of the other parents of the children hanging out with this bully. You may have luck with another parent of a different child involved. They may not realize that their child is engaging in this bullying behavior.

cozybluebear · June 2014

How horrible! I'm sorry your little girl has to go through this. She should be able to enjoy just being a kid without thus stress. Have you talked to other parents in the neighborhood? Is there something equivalent to a restraining order for kids? Could the police talk to her... scare her a little.
You're stronger than me. I had a little boy push my toddler on the playground and I couldn't even handle that! I was a mess. Just stay strong amd let your daughter see things handled the mature and right way.

AppleGrapeMSTK · June 2014

I neglected to mention that our girls do not go to the same school, so even if school was in session, they would not be able to intervene.

I think the most powerful bit of advice that I've seen through this is to let my daughter know that I have her back and that there is a mature way to handle this. We have our ups and downs, and lately there have been more downs than ups since finding out she's got another sibling on the way. I absolutely think that letting her know how 100000% I am there for her and that I love her will improve the situation. Not necessarily about how the bully acts, but with how DD handles it. She really needs it right now, regardless. Thank you, ladies. I love our board!

ADH0906 · June 2014

^hugs to you, mama!

imagine7696030614 · June 2014

That is disgusting behavior. Sounds like the girl and her parents are a bunch of animals! I haven't read all the replies yet but have you contacted the girl's school? I'd bet her bullying behavior carries over to school as well. Hopefully you can work together to address her behavior? Good luck!

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