"Why I Don't Teach My Son to Share"

Re: "Why I Don't Teach My Son to Share"

• SusieBW member

  June 2014

  I saw this on FB a week or two ago, too.  I like it and I agree with the approach.  I think the author is in favor of taking turns and working things out, but she's saying she's not going to force a kid to give something up in the name of "sharing" because that's not what sharing should mean.  It comes back to that issue of entitlement again - why should one kid have to give up what he's currently playing with so another kid can play with it, when there are other toys around?  That's not sharing, and that second kid is not entitled to what someone else is currently using just because she wants it.  Life mostly does not include instant gratification and we often have to wait our turn.  Sharing is when I offer you half my PB&J because you don't have a snack, not when I give up my awesome fire truck because you like it better than the toy minivan over there.
  

  
  
  
  

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• ariel06 member

  June 2014

  I didn't like that article either.  I don't have a problem with my kids not wanting to share a new special toy, but then they need to put it away if they have a friend coming over. 

  The example of the author gives of her son at the gym not sharing a little tykes car seemed super rude to me.  It's not his car,  it's the gyms. 

  Her friend's son at the play ground doesn't really bug me as much, since the kid brought it belong from home, it did not belong to the playground. 

  These kids aren't going to survive school if they can't work with others.

  

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• Lauren1184 member

  June 2014

  I showed this to my mother.  She told me when I was 3 yrs old in Pre-K, the teacher wanted to hold me back, because even though I was doing the work of a 5 yr old, I didn't like to share.  My mom just gave her the side-eye and said that's no reason to hold me back.  Looks like I turned out ok anyway . 

   

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• MrMrsandBaby member

  June 2014 edited June 2014

  I think there is some good points and some bad ones.  I can't say it right so bear with me.  Sharing isn't giving up stuff when someone else wants it.  It could be playing with another child who wants a toy, or like PP said, giving half of a sandwich.  I agree that the entitlement is a bad message and we tend to use the word "share" to make it seem acceptable.
  
  But I don't agree with letting your child use one community toy for the entire play time.  That is rude as an adult and we expect people to take turns with community property.  So to try and justify your kid monopolizing one toy when other children clearly want to play also is teaching them the same entitled behavior, just from the other side.
  
  Sharing has a fine line between actual sharing and being forced to give up something.  Bottom line, for me, is if my daughter brings a toy to the playground, I don't expect her to share it with others.  If she does, awesome.  But if she is playing with a toy or on a swing that belongs to the playground, I expect her to take turns and not prevent other children from enjoying it.
  
  And I really hope other parents are the same way.
  
  ETA: And I don't like that everything children do lately has to be a "life lesson."  At a certain point, children should be taught what is and is not acceptable, but not all lessons need to happen before kindergarten.
  

  

  

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• RMiller25 member

  June 2014 edited June 2014

  SusieBW said:

  I saw this on FB a week or two ago, too.  I like it and I agree with the approach.  I think the author is in favor of taking turns and working things out, but she's saying she's not going to force a kid to give something up in the name of "sharing" because that's not what sharing should mean.  It comes back to that issue of entitlement again - why should one kid have to give up what he's currently playing with so another kid can play with it, when there are other toys around?  That's not sharing, and that second kid is not entitled to what someone else is currently using just because she wants it.  Life mostly does not include instant gratification and we often have to wait our turn.  Sharing is when I offer you half my PB&J because you don't have a snack, not when I give up my awesome fire truck because you like it better than the toy minivan over there.
  

  I can totally agree with a lot of this. But it doesn't seem she is encouraging her kid to work it out with the other kid either.
  
  Also, I think her two examples are very different. With her friend's kid who doesn't want to share a toy he owns with another child, I can certainly respect the argument that he shouldn't have to (especially if the other child is demanding it). But in the second example, she took her child to a community playgroup, and didn't expect him to have to take turns using the communal toys. Even when the other mom "approached him repeatedly" about giving someone else a turn, and it sounds as if it was done nicely, she didn't think he should.
  

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• SusieBW member

  June 2014

  MrMrsandBaby said:

  
  But I don't agree with letting your child use one community toy for the entire play time.  That is rude as an adult and we expect people to take turns with community property.  So to try and justify your kid monopolizing one toy when other children clearly want to play also is teaching them the same entitled behavior, just from the other side.
  
  

  I agree with this too.  With that situation in the gym with the one particular car, if I saw that my kid was monopolizing and another kid wanted to use it, I would tell my child after a while that she should give someone else a chance to enjoy it.  I wouldn't make her give it up right away, though.
  

  
  
  
  

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• Emerald27 member

  June 2014

  I haven't read the article, but will definitely take a look.
  
  Our approach to sharing has been that DS takes turns with his friends with toys when they come over. He's not allowed ever to snatch a toy away from someone, even if it is "his" toy. His friends are expected to take their turn and then give the toy back. We reassure DS that the toy will be returned to him, and encourage him to play with something else while he waits.
  
  We also try to teach the importance of personal ownership by allowing him to choose which toys to put away and which ones to take out before a friend comes over. That way, he can maintain control over his things by choosing which will be kept special for him and which others will be allowed to have turns with.
  
  When we go to friends' homes, since every kid is at a different place in the "sharing" lesson, I tell DS when they freak out over him using a toy that this one must be extra special to the child, and depending on the situation I either suggest that DS finish his turn soon so that he can return the toy, or I ask him to choose something else to play with, because this toy is very special to its owner.

  
  

  
  

  

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• MorganWP member

  June 2014

  We had a thread about this on the June '13 board, this is what I wrote:
  
  We teach DD to share and so far she's been really good about it. But we also teach her that what someone else is playing with isnt hers and she has to wait to have a turn. This she hasn't been so good about but she's only little so she has time to get there. 
  
  My auntie did this thing with her kids that I'm going to do as well. When the kids have playdates she asks them, before the friend/cousin/whoever gets there, which toys they would like to play with and which ones they should put away. Like if they had a certain toy that they didn't want to share, it would be put away just to prevent any future meltdowns and fights. I thought it was a good idea and it seemed to work a lot of the time.

  
  

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• JessAnnJ member

  June 2014

  I don't think the authors point that teaching your child to share contributes to a sense of entitlement as an adult is valid. I think the second example is ridiculous and if anything she is the one teaching her child to have a sense of entitlement but letting him play with a communal item without regard to anyone else. I don't expect my daughter to snatch things from other kids and I don't think teaching her to share does that. I won't expect her to always give up her toys but I do expect her to take turns and I think teaching sharing is a way to teach generosity and cooperation.

  

  
  

  
  
  
  

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• shannonshare member

  June 2014

  The process of learning how to share or play with the same toy together at the same time is so difficult.  At UCLA's Infant Development Program, where I interned during college, they followed Magda Gerber's Resources for Infant Educaring philosophy.

  
  

  Under that philosophy, if a child is playing with something and another child wants it, you would explain to the second child that the first child is still playing with it and he/she had to wait until the first child was done with it.  Sometimes this meant many tears were shed.  Also though, we would let the first child know that when he/she was finished with the toy, he/she should give it to the second child.  We would also see if there was an alternate activity/toy that the second child was interested in engaging in for the time being.  I completely agree that children should not be forced to shorten their playtime with an object purely because someone else wanted it at the same moment.  Nonetheless, it is important for the child using the toy to know that others are interested as well in it.

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