Need advice - MIL situation (Long)

Daisy622 · June 2014

My MIL and I don’t have a bad relationship, very cordial, but we are not “friends” if that makes any sense. Anyway, MIL approached DH and said she wanted to spend more time with LO. The result of their conversation was that maybe once a week she could take LO and that would give me free time.

DH talked to me about it, said she would pick her up early from daycare once a week and do whatever she wants with her. I thought about it and I don’t like it. I talked with DH last night and asked if she wanted to spend more time with her, why can’t she just come over our house and spend time – DH didn’t like that answer and doesn’t want to tell MIL that she can’t pick up LO from daycare and she must see her at her house (he thinks it cruel). I tried to explain my reasons:

1) -MIL doesn’t listen. I have asked her countless times not to do something or give LO something yet she continually ignores me right in front of my face.

2) -Always tells LO “your mommy said no….your mommy will be mad….your mommy will holler at me….” – I don’t like this and I think it paints me in a negative light to LO. I have asked her not to do this yet she continually does.

3) -She doesn’t think. She taught LO how to stand on toys because LO thought it was funny – I personally think its dangerous and then had 3 days of meltdowns when I wouldn’t let her stand on toys (i.e. a 20 inch tall drum). She also let’s LO rummage through her purse after I have asked her to not do that multiple times (there are pills, tweezers, etc in there)

4) -No reason to pick LO up at daycare as daycare is at my work; I enjoy picking her up and seeing her smile.

Am I being unreasonable? I am just not comfortable with someone taking my LO out of daycare on a weekly basis to go gallivanting around. I am happy she wants to spend time with her, but don’t understand why she just can’t come over and do it or we go over her house for an hour and visit. I work full time, take care of LO, house, and dogs (DH works 70 hours a week). The free time would be nice but frankly I like spending my free time with LO. Maybe I am being selfish?

Long story short, we got into an argument and agreed to table and talk about it later. I am not sure my feeling are going to change and DH doesn’t want to hurt MIL feelings and is mad I would treat my mom differently. Any suggestions or feedback? The only thing I can think of is DH and I purchase a spare car seat that stays at our house for occasional use and we can visit MIL or MIL can visit us to see LO.

uksteph11 · June 2014

Maybe a compromise? Have MIL pick her up from daycare every other week or 1x/month. While I agree that your 1st 3 reasons are legitimate concerns, they wouldn't be reasons that I would not let me MIL pick her up from daycare. Number 2 probably won't even occur since you are not around. I also agree with your husband if you would treat your mother differently.

Daisy622 · June 2014

Thanks for your candid feedback and suggestions - its always nice to have a reality check with other moms

These are all great things for me to think about and talk through with DH.

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

I know you said you're cordial, but are you also frank? If you can just be straight with your MIL, I think it's worth giving this scenario a try. Tell her you have reservations about the arrangement because of #1&2, but you're willing to give it a test run and see how it goes, but you expect MIL to respect what is & is not allowed for DD without demonizing you. I think you'll feel a lot better about it if you just lay it out there, and your MIL may not have realized that was the exact problem, so it may be easier for her to give you what you want if it's just totally crystal clear. The offer is actually really nice and I'd love for something like this, so I think it's worth seeing if you can make it work.

Daisy622 · June 2014

cecilyandgautam said:

I know you said you're cordial, but are you also frank? If you can just be straight with your MIL, I think it's worth giving this scenario a try. Tell her you have reservations about the arrangement because of #1&2, but you're willing to give it a test run and see how it goes, but you expect MIL to respect what is & is not allowed for DD without demonizing you. I think you'll feel a lot better about it if you just lay it out there, and your MIL may not have realized that was the exact problem, so it may be easier for her to give you what you want if it's just totally crystal clear. The offer is actually really nice and I'd love for something like this, so I think it's worth seeing if you can make it work.

I like this idea and think that we can have a conversation. MIL is a very nice person but just doesn't care to listen at times (DH even acknowledges this and agrees with me). I do think it would be nice to get the time to myself - I honestly don't know what I would do

mlee116 · June 2014

I agree with the PP's. I would let her do it, but I would definitely address issues 1-3. I agree Issue 4 seems a little selfish. You'll get to see her smile and pick her up when they are done with their afternoon together, right?

I would love if DS could do this with his grandparents. He rarely gets to spend time alone with them because of our schedules, but I think its awesome for kids to build close bonds with other family members. My close friend's mom does this a lot with her kids and I'm jealous DS doesn't have that! Also, grandparents are supposed to spoil them a little and bend the rules (as long as its safe and doesn't make you look bad). I would give it a test run and if you don't like it, you can always stop.

ss265 · June 2014

My IL are local and see my son at least once a week. They do things with him which I am not crazy about (like give him chocolate and my MIL insists on spoon feeding him, even though he is 19 months old) but I let it go because it's only once a week and it doesn't change his behavior at my house.

Rather than have her pick LO up early from day care, how about having her babysit on Friday nights so that you and DH can have a date night? Or have your DH take her to MIL's house on the weekend for a couple of hours so that you can get a pedicure or time to yourself? We frequently do things like this with my ILs and it's a godsend. DH and I also take turns to sleep in on the weekend and sometimes when it's my turn to sleep in, DH will take my son to his parents house. That way I am not missing out on time with DS (since I will be sleeping in anyway) and my ILs get to see him. Having your DH take LO over also means that them spending more time with LO doesn't mean that you have to spend more time with them.

I would also recommend making sure you and DH are on board with points 1-3 and have him enforce it with his parents. I get along great with my ILs but if stuff like this comes up, I usually have DH handle it with them.

ss265 · June 2014

Oh and I am a firm believer in being fair to both sets of parents - if your Mom gets to see LO pretty often then you should make an effort to make sure his Mom gets to see LO too.

dashofreality · June 2014

While I understand that a lot of the things you posted are annoying, the only one that would really concern me is the driving, but I'm a paranoid freak about other people driving my kids. I would insist on installing the seat myself, and if it wasn't going to stay permanently in her car (she was going to be taking it in/out) that would be a deal breaker. I would also insist on a lesson in car seat safety.

One thing I did have a talk with my parents about is that I'm fine with them taking 'grandparent privileges' giving treats etc. but if they are consistently seeing/watching the kids that changes a bit. I'll let a lot slide 1-2x a year, but not 1-2x a week. So if she is taking her in the afternoon is she going to be doing naps etc.?

Also, I think it is reasonable to talk to your husband/MIL about the timing. I would definitely phrase it as - I am so glad that you are going to get to spend time with DD and help to give me a break. I would be extremely helpful to me if you could come over from 5-7 on x night, take her on Sat night for a date night, and consider being my backup care if she is sick and can't go to daycare.

eyenigh · June 2014

dashofreality said:

While I understand that a lot of the things you posted are annoying, the only one that would really concern me is the driving, but I'm a paranoid freak about other people driving my kids. I would insist on installing the seat myself, and if it wasn't going to stay permanently in her car (she was going to be taking it in/out) that would be a deal breaker. I would also insist on a lesson in car seat safety.
One thing I did have a talk with my parents about is that I'm fine with them taking 'grandparent privileges' giving treats etc. but if they are consistently seeing/watching the kids that changes a bit. I'll let a lot slide 1-2x a year, but not 1-2x a week. So if she is taking her in the afternoon is she going to be doing naps etc.?
Also, I think it is reasonable to talk to your husband/MIL about the timing. I would definitely phrase it as - I am so glad that you are going to get to spend time with DD and help to give me a break. I would be extremely helpful to me if you could come over from 5-7 on x night, take her on Sat night for a date night, and consider being my backup care if she is sick and can't go to daycare.

Add me to the paranoid freak camp. My mom cannot handle the car seat straps so it's just easier to have her come to us or have us drop him off. On the plus side, she knows she can't do it well (if it isn't something she repeats daily, she just forgets how to do it right) so she doesn't mind the arrangement.

*sparky* · June 2014

As long as you can sit down and have a talk with MIL ahead of time about a couple of your concerns then I would absolutely let her do this. She can pick your LO up early and bring her home around the time you would have gotten home with her anyway if you don't want to take so much time from your time with her.

Grandparent time is priceless, even if they don't do things exactly as you would. As long as you think she can respect your wishes then I see no issue with it. Now if he were really negligent or had no idea what she was doing I would say no but it doesn't sound like that's the case. I would never in a million years let my FIL drive my kids or have them on his own because he does not believe in any of today's safety standards and used to constantly try to feed my DS foods he wasn't supposed to have when we were going through serious stomach issues with him.

My dad and his wife have been picking DS up from DC/school since he was a baby at least once a week. That way they get their time with him and it does not take away from my time with him, because I am working anyway. And on the selfish side, then when I need a favor, like picking him up on a half day or picking him up from camp, they are happy to do it and used to his routine already.

emberlee3 · June 2014

I think it is important to encourage a relationship between just LO and grandma. But it's also fine to have some boundaries around that. We leave the kids with ILs when they visit, but we don't let them drive the kids anywhere. FIL is a horrible driver, MIL doesn't drive at all, and neither one of them can figure out car buckles.

Be honest with your MIL about your concerns, establish boundaries you can both live with, and then let them have fun.

Daisy622 · June 2014

ss265 said:Oh and I am a firm believer in being fair to both sets of parents - if your Mom gets to see LO pretty often then you should make an effort to make sure his Mom gets to see LO too.

This is also part of the problem (in my head). My mom live 1.5 hours away, we have a great relationship (talk like 5 times a week), but she doesn't get to see LO as frequent or often. I know it hurts her (she would never tell me or guilt me). Its hard for me to balance them spending equal time when one is in such close proximity. I personally feel guilty about it so try to make special trips to see my mom or have her come up to see me.

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

Wow, what's with the grandparents who don't appreciate carseat safety? My mom is all over this, helped DH install the carseat when I was uber pregnant and offered to take it to the local fire department to have it inspected for us. My ILs don't drive so I guess I'll never have to face that battle with them, but surprised to hear so many are so lax on it.

emberlee3 · June 2014

cecilyandgautam said:
Wow, what's with the grandparents who don't appreciate carseat safety? My mom is all over this, helped DH install the carseat when I was uber pregnant and offered to take it to the local fire department to have it inspected for us. My ILs don't drive so I guess I'll never have to face that battle with them, but surprised to hear so many are so lax on it.

My ILs like to act dumb about things they just don't care to learn about. Part of their craziness.

VOR · June 2014

#4 - throw that excuse out the window. From what you say about your mom, I have a feeling if this were your mom wanting this, you'd do it in a heartbeat... right?

As for 1 - 3, they are valid concerns. And really- my "compromise" would be that your DH needs to REALLY start backing you up on these issues. HE needs to tell his mom that if she wants to be trusted w/ your LO alone, she needs to follow your rules. "Your" being you AND his rules.

It's one thing to turn a blind eye to a little spoiling, but when she knowingly disregards your rules in front of you... she won't be just "spoiling" LO a little, she'll be blatantly saying "eh- ignore your moms rules". Yes, kids will learn that certain things are ok. w/ grandma that aren't ok at home, but this isn't a reason for your MIL to blatantly ignore your rules.

If DH will back you up and MIL shows that she will listen... then do it for a trial period. but, BUT, if there are any serious negative repercussions from this, then you all reserve the right to put a stop to it.

I'll also say - I don't think it's a "right" that grandparents get alone time w/ their grandkids. Not all grandparents are the same. Some can't be trusted. AND I also don't feel that this should be about being" equal" to other grandparents. Your mom's relationship will be what it is based on distance and based on who she is, just as your MILs relationship will be what is it is for the same reasons.

They are different people and their relationship w/ your LO isn't going to be the same - no matter what. You don't have to give them equal time.

BC&LM · June 2014

cjcouple said:
Yes, I think you're being unreasonable and very controlling.

I couldn't disagree more. I don't see how it's controlling to want to supervise MIL's interactions with her child since her MIL has repeatedly ignored her requests in the past. I mean just letting the kid get into the purse with pills in it is bad enough alone.

OP, if it were me, I would let my MIL choose what activity she wants to do with my child, but I would get to come along as well. That way my MIL would get time with my child doing what she wants to do, but I could make sure that she were following my parenting wishes. Then, if she eventually stopped the nonsense you outlined in the first post, I would reconsider letting her spend alone time with LO.

ss265 · June 2014

Daisy622 said:

ss265 said:Oh and I am a firm believer in being fair to both sets of parents - if your Mom gets to see LO pretty often then you should make an effort to make sure his Mom gets to see LO too.
This is also part of the problem (in my head). My mom live 1.5 hours away, we have a great relationship (talk like 5 times a week), but she doesn't get to see LO as frequent or often. I know it hurts her (she would never tell me or guilt me). Its hard for me to balance them spending equal time when one is in such close proximity. I personally feel guilty about it so try to make special trips to see my mom or have her come up to see me.

My Mom lives in South East Asia so yeah, she doesn't get to see my son very often. While I am a proponent of equal time, in this situation you probably just have to accept that your ILs will see your LO more often than your Mom and you shouldn't try and decrease the time they see her just because your Mom can't see her that often (if that is what you are doing).

I feel guilty too for living so far away from my family but we Skype every weekend and my Mom knows that she is always welcome to come visit us. We also try and travel to see her but it's difficult making that long journey with little kids and it doesn't help that DH hates making the trip.

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