Other parents disciplining your LO

Tink112011 · June 2014

How do you feel about other parents disciplining your LO?

I'm wondering if I over-stepped...

Our next door neighbors have 3 kids, ages 5, 3.5, and 15 months. My DS is 2.5, so they are all natural playmates.

The 15 month old is a runner and keeps mom on her toes, so there is often a lot she doesn't notice with the other 2. The 5 year old can be quite sassy. The other night, he took a water gun and pointed it up to his 3 year old sister who was at the top of the swing set and not expecting to be sprayed with water. I noticed what he was doing right as the water was coming out of the gun, and I yelled at him. He stopped and looked at me in disbelief that I yelled at him. The 3 year old freaked the holy hell out when she got drenched. The night ended with those hysterics and we all went inside.

That situation made me realize that I have no idea how to handle other children, especially if their mom is in the nearby vicinity. Do you just worry about your LO, or you do the "village" mentality? Since we're next door neighbors, I feel like its different than just a random kid at the park.

Do you think I need to talk with the other mom and see how she feels?

jellybean529 · June 2014

I'm very much of the "it takes a village" mentality so I would have done what you did in that situation...and if someone did that to A, I wouldn't think twice about it. I know not every parent feels that way though. I'd try to reserve it for behavior that's clearly inappropriate or dangerous. You were really just trying to be helpful since the other mom had her hands full with the baby.

JackoftheBox · June 2014

I don't want other parents to discipline my DS for just anything. BUT if he is doing something of this nature then i wouldn't mind if someone said "hey JOTB's son.... please don't do that!" That to me is just politely correcting bad behavior. I'm sure your fine, but if your stressing over it maybe you could just say "Hey I hope you don't mind that I asked your DS's to stop spraying his sister with water. I noticed she wasn't liking it and you were busy with the baby."

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Frankly, I feel there is a huge difference between one child and three, so I can't really answer exactly. For me, I would be a little pissy if someone yelled at DD because she is all I am focusing on. If they stopped her from getting hurt, that would be awesome, but if it was behavioral, I would be a little like, "wtf".

If I had three kids? Yell at whomever all you want. I sure as sh!t am not going to be able to keep up on them.

Chapter79 · June 2014

Honestly, I wouldn't have likely stepped in for just spraying of water because I feel it's harmless. Orrrrr I may have gently said "hey, maybe we shouldn't spray the water at your sister!".. but if he still did, I would have let his mom handle it. I wouldn't really want another parent actually "yelling" at mine for just water. If it were a more dangerous situation- I would step in. I have before. We were at park and there was a little one on the slide and my friends daughter was THIS close to shoving the little toddler down the slide.. and I yelled "DO NOT push her!!!" because she was teeny and I was afraid of her getting hurt.

So basically, I reserve it for situations in which I think someone may get hurt.. or when it's physical. (pushing, biting, spitting, throwing, hitting- I would step in). I have no issues jumping in if I fear someone hurting. Anything else, I will let the own mother step in.. or gently say something and redirect "hey, maybe we shouldn't push.. why don't you go play on the swing?? I want to see how high you can go!!!" .. in your situation, I would have likely said "Maybe we shouldn't squirt people with the water- how about we do this xxxx instead?" type of thing

MrsCodeMonkey · June 2014

I think this is a case by case basis. You should talk to your friend and see what she feels comfortable with. I have friends that encorage me to help with discipline and others that don't.

What would you like others to do if you are not immediately available to deal with a situation? Do you want them to handle it, wait and tell you, etc? I want my friends to talk to DD and correct her behavior if necessary, but I want to be the one putting her in time out unless they're babysitting her.

PB102012 · June 2014

NamasteBiotches said:

I don't really have much experience with this. Since you're pretty friendly with her, I'd just talk it over with her.
At this age, I don't think I'd like anyone disciplining my kid. They can come to me if he's acting up & causing them direct distress (not really sure when/how this would happen but hypothetically.)

I agree with this. I would rather people bring something to my attention if I missed it and let me do the disciplining.

Tink112011 · June 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

Frankly, I feel there is a huge difference between one child and three, so I can't really answer exactly. For me, I would be a little pissy if someone yelled at DD because she is all I am focusing on. If they stopped her from getting hurt, that would be awesome, but if it was behavioral, I would be a little like, "wtf".

If I had three kids? Yell at whomever all you want. I sure as sh!t am not going to be able to keep up on them.

Watching her with 3 kids definitely reinforces my OAD decision! She cannot take her eyes off of the baby for 2 seconds or else he has disappeared or has climbed on top of the house (exaggeration, but he's a climber). The 5 year old is defiant and could really use someone keeping a closer eye on him and the 3 year old is emotional and just seems to need more attention. That mom has to be exhausted at the end of every day (yet she talks about a 4th LO, so...)

Thanks for your advice, everyone. I'll talk with her about it tonight. It was one of those things that I did reactively and didn't think before I yelled. I knew he was doing it to be a sass and I knew that his sister would freak out. The words came out of my mouth too quickly. And its not like I said anything out of line, but it was the first time I've ever yelled or disciplined them.

JackoftheBox · June 2014

Tink112011 said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Frankly, I feel there is a huge difference between one child and three, so I can't really answer exactly. For me, I would be a little pissy if someone yelled at DD because she is all I am focusing on. If they stopped her from getting hurt, that would be awesome, but if it was behavioral, I would be a little like, "wtf".

If I had three kids? Yell at whomever all you want. I sure as sh!t am not going to be able to keep up on them.

Watching her with 3 kids definitely reinforces my OAD decision! She cannot take her eyes off of the baby for 2 seconds or else he has disappeared or has climbed on top of the house (exaggeration, but he's a climber). The 5 year old is defiant and could really use someone keeping a closer eye on him and the 3 year old is emotional and just seems to need more attention. That mom has to be exhausted at the end of every day (yet she talks about a 4th LO, so...)
Thanks for your advice, everyone. I'll talk with her about it tonight. It was one of those things that I did reactively and didn't think before I yelled. I knew he was doing it to be a sass and I knew that his sister would freak out. The words came out of my mouth too quickly. And its not like I said anything out of line, but it was the first time I've ever yelled or disciplined them.
****
At least you didn't yell "hey you little shit!! WTAF are you thinking?!! NO... JUST NO. DO NOT DO THAT. JFC is this what it's like with 3 kids?!!!"

LMAO this is obviously an exaggerated response.

Tink112011 · June 2014

JackoftheBox said:

Tink112011 said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Frankly, I feel there is a huge difference between one child and three, so I can't really answer exactly. For me, I would be a little pissy if someone yelled at DD because she is all I am focusing on. If they stopped her from getting hurt, that would be awesome, but if it was behavioral, I would be a little like, "wtf".

If I had three kids? Yell at whomever all you want. I sure as sh!t am not going to be able to keep up on them.

Watching her with 3 kids definitely reinforces my OAD decision! She cannot take her eyes off of the baby for 2 seconds or else he has disappeared or has climbed on top of the house (exaggeration, but he's a climber). The 5 year old is defiant and could really use someone keeping a closer eye on him and the 3 year old is emotional and just seems to need more attention. That mom has to be exhausted at the end of every day (yet she talks about a 4th LO, so...)
Thanks for your advice, everyone. I'll talk with her about it tonight. It was one of those things that I did reactively and didn't think before I yelled. I knew he was doing it to be a sass and I knew that his sister would freak out. The words came out of my mouth too quickly. And its not like I said anything out of line, but it was the first time I've ever yelled or disciplined them.
****
At least you didn't yell "hey you little shit!! WTAF are you thinking?!! NO... JUST NO. DO NOT DO THAT. JFC is this what it's like with 3 kids?!!!"

LMAO this is obviously an exaggerated response.

LOL at the bolded.

I will admit though, I do see the benefits of those kids growing up without one set of eyes on them at all times. There are more natural consequences, more self-policing, more figuring out squabbles on their own.

Tink112011 · June 2014

Update... I texted her, and this was her repsonse:

There is no need to apologize at all! First off, I can't even remember you yelling. Seriously! Secondly, thank you for yelling because he deserved it! He can be a stinker and any extra bit of guidance from any adult is a good thing...that way he knows we are all keeping him in line! I feel so bad that you have even apologized, especially since I can't remember! Please, do not ever feel that you can't scold my kids! They need to be kept in line!!

TittsMcGee · June 2014

With 3 kids those ages, I would be thankful if people yelled at my kids if need be. LOL.

I don't think you were wrong for stepping in, but that's just my opinion. A talk with the mom wouldn't hurt just to make sure there are no bad feelings. gl

Tink112011 · June 2014

SandAndsSea said:

I don't mind other parents stepping in and correcting DS and think its good that DS learns to respect and listen to other adults. However, there is an obvious line and I would freak out if they spanked or hit him.

We were at a water park yesterday and another boy, probably 4-5, was playing with the same thing DS was playing with. He decided he wanted it to himself and hit DS to get him to leave. I was 3 ft away and came over and said very firmly, "NO, WE DON'T HIT". He then went to hit DS again and I grabbed his hand and repeated that we don't hit and then took DS elsewhere to play. I couldn't believe that he thought it was okay to hit a kid half his age! And, I was slightly terrified that a parent would come screaming at me when I grabbed his arm to block him from hitting DS. But, there's no way I was going to let him hit him again! DS was such a trooper, he just looked at him and kept playing. He didn't even try to hit back or cry!

Ugh, part of me thinks it is so sad that we have to be worried about this!

eyenigh · June 2014

I would only be upset if I was right there and they stepped in front of me to parent over the top of me. If I wasn't watching or had stepped away while another adult was supervising, I'd trust them to stop any mischief or bad behavior. I wouldn't leave my kid under the supervision of someone I didn't trust to make good decisions but if it was a normally responsible person, it would likely be okay. It always depends on the circumstance, though.

TittsMcGee · June 2014

SandAndsSea said:

I don't mind other parents stepping in and correcting DS and think its good that DS learns to respect and listen to other adults. However, there is an obvious line and I would freak out if they spanked or hit him.

We were at a water park yesterday and another boy, probably 4-5, was playing with the same thing DS was playing with. He decided he wanted it to himself and hit DS to get him to leave. I was 3 ft away and came over and said very firmly, "NO, WE DON'T HIT". He then went to hit DS again and I grabbed his hand and repeated that we don't hit and then took DS elsewhere to play. I couldn't believe that he thought it was okay to hit a kid half his age! And, I was slightly terrified that a parent would come screaming at me when I grabbed his arm to block him from hitting DS. But, there's no way I was going to let him hit him again! DS was such a trooper, he just looked at him and kept playing. He didn't even try to hit back or cry!

That is awful. Were his parents around to see this?

We have the same issue with our cousins 5 y/o. I constantly have to watch him when he's around DS because he's hit and pushed DS in the past. The most annoying part is that his parents think its totally acceptable so I have to tell him its not okay to hit others.

eyenigh · June 2014

TittsMcGee said:

SandAndsSea said:

I don't mind other parents stepping in and correcting DS and think its good that DS learns to respect and listen to other adults. However, there is an obvious line and I would freak out if they spanked or hit him.

We were at a water park yesterday and another boy, probably 4-5, was playing with the same thing DS was playing with. He decided he wanted it to himself and hit DS to get him to leave. I was 3 ft away and came over and said very firmly, "NO, WE DON'T HIT". He then went to hit DS again and I grabbed his hand and repeated that we don't hit and then took DS elsewhere to play. I couldn't believe that he thought it was okay to hit a kid half his age! And, I was slightly terrified that a parent would come screaming at me when I grabbed his arm to block him from hitting DS. But, there's no way I was going to let him hit him again! DS was such a trooper, he just looked at him and kept playing. He didn't even try to hit back or cry!

That is awful. Were his parents around to see this?
We have the same issue with our cousins 5 y/o. I constantly have to watch him when he's around DS because he's hit and pushed DS in the past. The most annoying part is that his parents think its totally acceptable so I have to tell him its not okay to hit others.

My son is in a hitting stage if he perceives someone getting in his way or taking something from him (like a kid trying to get around him on playground equipment or something) and I don't take my eyes off of him because I'm horrified that some other poor kid could get hit. If he hits, he has to apologize and not do it again. If he doesn't, we go home from wherever we are. He's slowly learning but I would never leave him without constant supervision. I don't know how anyone could think it was okay and let their kid hit someone else's kid. What if the tables were turned? I don't want to raise an a-hole that thinks it's okay to hit people.

TiffanyBerry · June 2014

I'm a village parent. I have very few qualms about parenting another child. I *should*, therefor, be more chillax about other people parenting my kids, but they always do it wrong. :P (<-- that's meant to be something of a joke at my own expense.)

You're story doesn't tell me about how involved the other parent was, how close you guys are, or how often the kids are left in each other's "care" (even if only for a few minutes here and there). I'm not very likely to step in with a total stranger's kids, unless they are in conflict with my kid, but if it's someone that I have had occasion to be "in charge of" on more than one occasion, I'm all over that.

Of course, I'm fairly hands off, so I may or may not respond when another parent would anyway.

Tink112011 · June 2014

TiffanyBerry said:

I'm a village parent. I have very few qualms about parenting another child. I *should*, therefor, be more chillax about other people parenting my kids, but they always do it wrong. :P (<-- that's meant to be something of a joke at my own expense.)

You're story doesn't tell me about how involved the other parent was, how close you guys are, or how often the kids are left in each other's "care" (even if only for a few minutes here and there). I'm not very likely to step in with a total stranger's kids, unless they are in conflict with my kid, but if it's someone that I have had occasion to be "in charge of" on more than one occasion, I'm all over that.

Of course, I'm fairly hands off, so I may or may not respond when another parent would anyway.

The other mom was nearby, but just chasing the 15 month old and was out of view. We have a conservancy behind our homes, and the little guy was on the run.

We're not that close, we just spend time together when our kids are out playing together. Neither of us have ever watched the other's kid/s. We're both always outside together. I just have it a whole lot easier, because I'm in charge of 1 very chill and mellow 2.5 year old, and she has 3, one of which is a 15 month old runner.

She is a very good mom, but I think I just recognized her absense and stepped in as the parent "on guard" for those few seconds.

I would never be the acting disciplinarian any time I knew the other parent was aware and present.

KS02CS08 · June 2014

I would just talk it over with her but I know the feeling of kids being bad when mom isn't watching and your looking right at them thinking um really?

gwendarling · June 2014

I'm glad she was cool with it. I'm a village mom for sure. my biggest pet peeve is letting kids play out their conflicts or frustrations without mediating or stopping from hitting or other a$$hole behavior. I personally don't care about the need for another kid to hit and resolve conflict if it means my dd is the one getting hit.

also, I'd side eye a bit at the whole water gun thing.

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