Anyone else hyphenating LO last name?

lincoln79 · June 2014

We plan on hyphenating our LO last name bc we each kept our last names after we got married.

Locally, it is pretty common bc we live in a small university town where many women have kept their names.

Both families are giving us crap about it though.

Thoughts and experiences?

Maelara · June 2014

I'm not either. I've thought about it but DHs last name is so long it would be cruel. Tell your family it's your baby, your decision. Back off.

ProcessofBecoming · June 2014

No experience here (ironically, my name "legally" changed while I was in the hospital on bed rest, and preparing to give birth to my son, which created innumerable problems with my health insurance). I had been lazy about changing it, until my husband was informed that if my son was born before my name was legally changed, he would be given my last name on the birth certificate (which, at the time, was my ex-husband's last name). Understandably, my husband was all "OH HELL NO!!!"

As far as hyphenation, you should do what feels right for your family, and hopefully your relatives will accept your decision!

missnacholover · June 2014

Nope. I took DH's name when we got married.

abbyful · June 2014

I hyphenated my last name when DH & I got married, but DS just has DH's last name.

So we are (not real names)
DH Doe
Me Jones-Doe
DS Doe

SarahHeck · June 2014

I kept my name too, but kids have my husbands name. Last names aren't really a big deal to us though that's part of the reason I didn't change my name, we didn't care enough to spend extra money changing my name getting new cards and ID etc. if it's important to you, you should hyphenate! who cares what anybody else says it's not their kid.

Deardra77 · June 2014

Both DH & I kept our names when we got married, neither of us wanted a name change. It has never been on the cards for either of us to name change on marrying. I would have liked him to take mine & visa versa but neither of us wanted to.

When it came to our son (now pregnant with #2) how we settled it was I let my husband choose if he wanted the first name or the surname to be from him (we have different ethnic & nationality backgrounds). He choose surname. So my son has a first name that represents my nationality & my husbands last name that represents his ethnicity. Its actually kinda funny as my son is totally my skin color so his surname doesn't match how he looks & is what people use to make presumptions. We also gave my son a 2nd middle name of my surname.

Thought about hyphenating, but decided we didn't want to make him go through life with a double barreled name. Then if he gets married & has kids it makes his decision about surnames that much harder. Plus when you use both names how do you decide in what order so which last name becomes the "last" last name. I met a girl way back that had a double barreled name & she always talked about how on electronic forms there are always only so many characters to fill in the surname & it didn't allow her to enter in its entirety. Her name always got cut off in a way that finished rude (like instead of cockrane it got cut off on cock). It's the little things you have to check on!

Thinking back on it what I would do if we were naming my son again is only give him one middle name & make it my surname & that way it is his middle initial.

Makes me crazy when people refer to us as the "L family" using my husbands last name, I do in fact exist! But sexism still exists too, I even have received mail addressed to Mrs Husbands first name, husbands surname. Seriously. Couldn't make it up.

But at the end of the day do what feels right for you. Sexism & other peoples expectations really shouldn't play any part into how you name your child.

If we weren't married it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that our child would have anything other than my surname.

jlove253 · June 2014

Like @Deardra77‌ said, consider how hyphenating will end up on forms. I had a friend with a hyphenated last name and while se didn't have the problems deardra mentioned, it was fairly long. When she married she just took her DH's name to simplify her life (and because 3 hyphenated names for a last name was ridiculous). You might want to consider a double middle name for one of your surnames as an option.

TeeJ526 · June 2014

I took DH's name when we got married, but prior to that, I had a hyphenated name; it was my Mom's maiden name and my step-father's name. Our families gave us grief over it and honestly, I'm not sure why. It's your decision to make and I think it's a great idea. Like PPs have said, there may be some issues with forms, and there are even some places that will only use one name and not both, but if that's not a big deal, I say go for it.

lincoln79 · June 2014

Deardra77 said:

Both DH & I kept our names when we got married, neither of us wanted a name change. It has never been on the cards for either of us to name change on marrying. I would have liked him to take mine & visa versa but neither of us wanted to.
When it came to our son (now pregnant with #2) how we settled it was I let my husband choose if he wanted the first name or the surname to be from him (we have different ethnic & nationality backgrounds). He choose surname. So my son has a first name that represents my nationality & my husbands last name that represents his ethnicity. Its actually kinda funny as my son is totally my skin color so his surname doesn't match how he looks & is what people use to make presumptions. We also gave my son a 2nd middle name of my surname.
Thought about hyphenating, but decided we didn't want to make him go through life with a double barreled name. Then if he gets married & has kids it makes his decision about surnames that much harder. Plus when you use both names how do you decide in what order so which last name becomes the "last" last name. I met a girl way back that had a double barreled name & she always talked about how on electronic forms there are always only so many characters to fill in the surname & it didn't allow her to enter in its entirety. Her name always got cut off in a way that finished rude (like instead of cockrane it got cut off on cock). It's the little things you have to check on!
Thinking back on it what I would do if we were naming my son again is only give him one middle name & make it my surname & that way it is his middle initial.
Makes me crazy when people refer to us as the "L family" using my husbands last name, I do in fact exist! But sexism still exists too, I even have received mail addressed to Mrs Husbands first name, husbands surname. Seriously. Couldn't make it up.
But at the end of the day do what feels right for you. Sexism & other peoples expectations really shouldn't play any part into how you name your child.
If we weren't married it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that our child would have anything other than my surname.

Interesting thoughts. The funny thing is that because mh works out of town, he most commonly gets called by my last name! My students will often call him Mr. Dr. Mylastname when they see him...

Mh and I agreed that if they wanted to ever drop one of our last names (marriage or otherwise), we would be OK with that. At that point it will be their choice.

Sexism is indeed alive and well. I never intended to keep my last name, but I had already published before getting married and science literature search engines don't allow for cross referencing with different last names. Not even hyphenated! So, I was stuck.

runningmama14 · June 2014

Deardra77 said:
Both DH & I kept our names when we got married, neither of us wanted a name change. It has never been on the cards for either of us to name change on marrying. I would have liked him to take mine & visa versa but neither of us wanted to.
When it came to our son (now pregnant with #2) how we settled it was I let my husband choose if he wanted the first name or the surname to be from him (we have different ethnic & nationality backgrounds). He choose surname. So my son has a first name that represents my nationality & my husbands last name that represents his ethnicity. Its actually kinda funny as my son is totally my skin color so his surname doesn't match how he looks & is what people use to make presumptions. We also gave my son a 2nd middle name of my surname.
Thought about hyphenating, but decided we didn't want to make him go through life with a double barreled name. Then if he gets married & has kids it makes his decision about surnames that much harder. Plus when you use both names how do you decide in what order so which last name becomes the "last" last name. I met a girl way back that had a double barreled name & she always talked about how on electronic forms there are always only so many characters to fill in the surname & it didn't allow her to enter in its entirety. Her name always got cut off in a way that finished rude (like instead of cockrane it got cut off on cock). It's the little things you have to check on!
Thinking back on it what I would do if we were naming my son again is only give him one middle name & make it my surname & that way it is his middle initial.
Makes me crazy when people refer to us as the "L family" using my husbands last name, I do in fact exist! But sexism still exists too, I even have received mail addressed to Mrs Husbands first name, husbands surname. Seriously. Couldn't make it up.
But at the end of the day do what feels right for you. Sexism & other peoples expectations really shouldn't play any part into how you name your child.
If we weren't married it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that our child would have anything other than my surname.

FWIW, While I understand you may not want to be referred to that way, technically, according to etiquette, Mrs. Husbandfirst Husbandlast isn't an incorrect way to refer to a married woman who kept her own last name. Granted, most people only follow etiquette when it suits them, which is why we almost never receive anything addressed to Mr and Dr Lastname. I always get Mrs, even from fellow female doctors.

turtles7 · June 2014

My maidan last name was hyphenated. I changed my name to my husband's when we got married because I'm traditional and it was nice to have a shorter name.

I agree with @jlove 253‌ and @TeeJ526‌ mentioned about the forms. I have multiple aliases because some forms accepted the hyphen and some didn't. So I went with adding a space instead of the hyphen but some credit cards didn't have enough space so both names were smooshed together.

Ultimately it's your's and your husbands decision. Who cares what everyone else thinks.

carafern · June 2014

Wow. Reading this it just occurred to me that we have to figure this out. I'd been so worried about other things! I didn't take DH's name for a variety of reasons.

His LN is also very short, 2 letters. Mine is long - 9 letters. Hyphenating might be weird. But its probably the best option… I would like my child to have my name too. Actually when we were discussing this for ourselves before getting married, we briefly considered combining our names and changing both of ours into a new hybrid.

I was just reading about a writer who's paren's named her by her mother's name and her brother by her father's name. I thought that was cool, but kind of weird…to have a different LN from your sibling.

runningmama14 · June 2014

@AeandJb‌, that would upset me too. The point of etiquette is to make others feel welcome/comfortable. If someone has made it clear that xyz makes them uncomfortable, it is never proper etiquette to then do xyz for that person regardless of what Ms. Manners says :-)

I think the Mrs. Husbandfirst husbandlast is a huge point of pride for older generations. My MIL's checks say that. Her first name doesn't appear on them at all. So weird to me.

I took dh's last name, but in a different situation I wouldn't have. We live in his home town and I practice in the surrounding area. His family name is well known and respected. My maiden name is unknown here. It was a business decision :-)

crizz13 · June 2014

Do whatever you feel is right, but since you asked for experiences, I have a little being an elementary school teacher.

Kids can be tough and can be easily confused at the younger years. As long as you, your husband, and child are all ready to deal with many variations of the hyphenated name (for all three of you) when being invited to birthday parties, parent conferences, etc. etc., I say go for it! It sounds like it may not be an issue where you live if it's pretty common.

phdprocrastinator · June 2014

runningmama14 said:

Both DH & I kept our names when we got married, neither of us wanted a name change. It has never been on the cards for either of us to name change on marrying. I would have liked him to take mine & visa versa but neither of us wanted to.
When it came to our son (now pregnant with #2) how we settled it was I let my husband choose if he wanted the first name or the surname to be from him (we have different ethnic & nationality backgrounds). He choose surname. So my son has a first name that represents my nationality & my husbands last name that represents his ethnicity. Its actually kinda funny as my son is totally my skin color so his surname doesn't match how he looks & is what people use to make presumptions. We also gave my son a 2nd middle name of my surname.
Thought about hyphenating, but decided we didn't want to make him go through life with a double barreled name. Then if he gets married & has kids it makes his decision about surnames that much harder. Plus when you use both names how do you decide in what order so which last name becomes the "last" last name. I met a girl way back that had a double barreled name & she always talked about how on electronic forms there are always only so many characters to fill in the surname & it didn't allow her to enter in its entirety. Her name always got cut off in a way that finished rude (like instead of cockrane it got cut off on cock). It's the little things you have to check on!
Thinking back on it what I would do if we were naming my son again is only give him one middle name & make it my surname & that way it is his middle initial.
Makes me crazy when people refer to us as the "L family" using my husbands last name, I do in fact exist! But sexism still exists too, I even have received mail addressed to Mrs Husbands first name, husbands surname. Seriously. Couldn't make it up.
But at the end of the day do what feels right for you. Sexism & other peoples expectations really shouldn't play any part into how you name your child.
If we weren't married it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that our child would have anything other than my surname.
FWIW, While I understand you may not want to be referred to that way, technically, according to etiquette, Mrs. Husbandfirst Husbandlast isn't an incorrect way to refer to a married woman who kept her own last name. Granted, most people only follow etiquette when it suits them, which is why we almost never receive anything addressed to Mr and Dr Lastname. I always get Mrs, even from fellow female doctors.

Actually, according to etiquette books, it should be Dr. and Mr., as you "outrank" your husband. And while Mrs. Hubandfirst Husbandlast is still on the books, it's annoying as all heck! I just roll my eyes at it, but seriously - this never happens in person (as it used to), so why would people do it on an envelope? Darn those Posts and their books...

Anywho, back to the OP. I kept my last name, but DD has DH's last name alone. Both of our last names are hard for people to spell - it would be cruel to saddle a child with the task of correcting people for both names every time she has to give it out.

FWIW, the one person I know whose parents gave him a hyphenated last name hates it. He is changing it legally to just one. In addition to just disliking his name, he made a really good point about future generations. Basically, where does it end? If the next generation all have hyphenated last names, what happens when they marry? For example, the bride's last name is Name1-Name2 while the groom's is Name3-Name4. How do they handle the last name conundrum?

But, if it's what you want to do, go for it. Who cares what your parents say?

runningmama14 · June 2014

Depends on which book you look at on the Mr Dr order. It gets fuzzy :-) Most will actually say that we shouldn't be listed as a couple, but rather two separate entries, with me being first. Whatever, I almost never get the doctor part in either order!

missnacholover · June 2014

I had an etiquette doozy when I got married.

My friend and her husband are both Lt. Commanders in the Navy. AND she's a doctor. I was all, WTF?!?!?! I think I ended up addressing it to The Lt. Commanders LastName.

Anyway. I don't think that it's sexist or backwards or reverting to the 1950s to take your husband's name. For me, it's important that our family unit has the same last name. I'm still me, just with an easier to spell (and pronounce) last name.

Jan1214 · June 2014

When I got married, I wanted to keep my last name. Professionally, it made sense, but I also love my name and I didn't want to part with it. I was fine having a different last name from MH; however, he wanted us to have the same last name, so he took mine. His family freaked. His mom gave him the silent treatment for a while. Now that we are having a baby, I know it is bringing up the bitterness again, especially because it's a boy. She blames me, but I swear I didn't even ask him to do it. -- Oh well, you can't please everyone. I say hyphenate if that's what's best for your family.

Deardra77 · June 2014

runningmama14 said:

Both DH & I kept our names when we got married, neither of us wanted a name change. It has never been on the cards for either of us to name change on marrying. I would have liked him to take mine & visa versa but neither of us wanted to.
When it came to our son (now pregnant with #2) how we settled it was I let my husband choose if he wanted the first name or the surname to be from him (we have different ethnic & nationality backgrounds). He choose surname. So my son has a first name that represents my nationality & my husbands last name that represents his ethnicity. Its actually kinda funny as my son is totally my skin color so his surname doesn't match how he looks & is what people use to make presumptions. We also gave my son a 2nd middle name of my surname.
Thought about hyphenating, but decided we didn't want to make him go through life with a double barreled name. Then if he gets married & has kids it makes his decision about surnames that much harder. Plus when you use both names how do you decide in what order so which last name becomes the "last" last name. I met a girl way back that had a double barreled name & she always talked about how on electronic forms there are always only so many characters to fill in the surname & it didn't allow her to enter in its entirety. Her name always got cut off in a way that finished rude (like instead of cockrane it got cut off on cock). It's the little things you have to check on!
Thinking back on it what I would do if we were naming my son again is only give him one middle name & make it my surname & that way it is his middle initial.
Makes me crazy when people refer to us as the "L family" using my husbands last name, I do in fact exist! But sexism still exists too, I even have received mail addressed to Mrs Husbands first name, husbands surname. Seriously. Couldn't make it up.
But at the end of the day do what feels right for you. Sexism & other peoples expectations really shouldn't play any part into how you name your child.
If we weren't married it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that our child would have anything other than my surname.
FWIW, While I understand you may not want to be referred to that way, technically, according to etiquette, Mrs. Husbandfirst Husbandlast isn't an incorrect way to refer to a married woman who kept her own last name. Granted, most people only follow etiquette when it suits them, which is why we almost never receive anything addressed to Mr and Dr Lastname. I always get Mrs, even from fellow female doctors.

we'll I'm European so that etiquette wouldn't apply. But now that you mention it it was only Americans I have heard it from so that would explain the huge faux pas. So does it go both ways and the husband can be referred to by wife's first and surname? Or how does it work for same sex couples? Seems strange to me in this day and age that someone would be referred to by someone else's full based on marriage.

here's one you'll love! where I am from in the medical field the title or Mr is higher than Dr so that would be more fun to deal with :-)

runningmama14 · June 2014

It does not go both ways! I'm actually not sure of proper etiquette for same sex couples. I have always asked my friends what they prefer and then note it on my address list. One couple I know prefers ms. Herfirst herlast and ms otherfirst otherlast. The other prefers Mrs. Firstname and otherfirstname lastname-lastname. Both have had commitment ceremonies/weddings.

snarkylibrarian · June 2014

DH and I both added each other's names when we got married, so our family name is already hyphenated. We will be hyphenating baby's name. We debated the options for quite a while. I definitely would not give up my last name and DH didn't want me to anyways. Originally DH wanted to either take my name or have us both keep our names and give our babies my last name, but I wanted our family to represent both of our family histories and knew erasing his name wouldn't make his family pleased. Hyphenated name is kind of long, but everyone is used to it after 2 years of marriage and it's a compromise that makes our families happy.

snarkylibrarian · June 2014

It is really funny how much attention guys get when they change their names after getting married. Most people were positive about it and were praising him for being so "progressive". At the Social Security Office, the person helping us got confused and then once he figured it out, they gave him the side-eye and joked with us, saying "we know who wears the pants in this relationship..." We were kinda pissed.

lincoln79 · June 2014

snarkylibrarian said:

It is really funny how much attention guys get when they change their names after getting married. Most people were positive about it and were praising him for being so "progressive". At the Social Security Office, the person helping us got confused and then once he figured it out, they gave him the side-eye and joked with us, saying "we know who wears the pants in this relationship..." We were kinda pissed.

annoying. my thought to those kinds of guys is "who is the unlucky woman who got stuck with you"

lauren_m · June 2014

I definitely agree that you should do what you want to do and what feels right to you. At the same time, as a more global question, I wonder what the ultimate result is if everyone starts hyphenating and using both names. For example, when our kids have kids, will they have a four-part name? If not, how do they decide which pieces to drop. Again, I'm all for hyphenating if that is what you want to do, but when I've considered this question in the past, I've wondered about what society will ultimately do with this issue.

AlliJeee · June 2014

Absolutely not - Marrying DH has blessed me with a ridiculously long, Italian last name. It would just be wrong to burden LO with another last name in addition to that.

Kristil2014 · June 2014

I kept my last name. Our children will have DH's last name.

Edit- typo

lincoln79 · June 2014

lauren_m said:

I definitely agree that you should do what you want to do and what feels right to you. At the same time, as a more global question, I wonder what the ultimate result is if everyone starts hyphenating and using both names. For example, when our kids have kids, will they have a four-part name? If not, how do they decide which pieces to drop. Again, I'm all for hyphenating if that is what you want to do, but when I've considered this question in the past, I've wondered about what society will ultimately do with this issue.

It is an interesting question. When MH and I discussed it, we came to the conclusion that hyphenating it at birth left the options open for changing later, but communicated to our child that he/she was from both families while they were young. I wouldn't want my child to feel that there was a reason (like I didn't want to claim them) he/she didn't get my name too.

momtojad · June 2014

I seriously couldn't wait to change my last name through marriage. As a little girl it was all I ever wanted....you know scribbling Mrs. Zach Morris : ) I married my husband and he tried to convince me to keep my name because no one in his culture drop their last name. I refused and changed it the day after I got my marriage certificate.

snarkylibrarian · June 2014

@lauren_m this is exactly why we debated the last name thing for long time! There's really no easy answer to it.

We asked some of our hyphenated last name acquaintances what they thought and they said that a lot of people have to consider last name changes when getting married, it just makes it slightly harder. Some said that they'd consider taking their spouse's name if it only had one last name to make things easier.

snarkylibrarian · June 2014

I'm curious as to why so many women decide to keep their own last name, but then the kids get the husband's last name. I'm not judging or anything, I just don't see a lot of kids with the wife's last name, instead of the husband's if they are different. Is it more out of respect for tradition or ?

If we were going to go the single last name route, we thought if I'm giving birth to the kids and they only get one last name, it's only fair that they should get my last name. But apparently that's really really uncommon...

carafern · June 2014

Its so interesting because in Spanish-speaking countries it is still the custom (I think) that both last names are used. FN, Paternal LN, Maternal LN. For example: Gabriel Garcia Marquez, in the US is often called Marquez, which is actually referring to his maternal last name…

I think when you get married you drop your maternal LN and swap it for your DH LN...

We don't really have a system for that here so hyphenation seems to be these best compromise but some system will probably emerge if it becomes very common.

jaminjeff · June 2014

snarkylibrarian said:

I'm curious as to why so many women decide to keep their own last name, but then the kids get the husband's last name. I'm not judging or anything, I just don't see a lot of kids with the wife's last name, instead of the husband's if they are different. Is it more out of respect for tradition or ?

If we were going to go the single last name route, we thought if I'm giving birth to the kids and they only get one last name, it's only fair that they should get my last name. But apparently that's really really uncommon...

I hyphenated my name but my kids have my husband's last name only. I only hyphenated because his last name is so common and it made for an easier transition at my work.I still have stuff that has my maiden name, and I have stuff that just has my husband's last name on it and I have no problems with either items because my driver's license shows both names. In fact, I actually just go by my husband's last name, the hyphenation is really only on paperwork.

tugglek23 · June 2014

I don't know if it's the culture or just how their family does it, but I work with a couple from Puerto Rico and they both have hyphenated last names. When their daughters were born they gave them the paternal surname in each of their surnames. So their daughters are first name Nieves-Nieves.

lauren_m · June 2014

My women's studies professor in college (who was a man) told us that he and his wife created a new name and both changed their last names to be the new name. I thought that was an interesting option, but that also has its own complications in terms of generational continuity. Pretty exciting that women are moving this conversation forward though!

GHMomRN · June 2014

I think if you want to hyphenate the last name go for it. I wasn't married to my husband when we had our boys and I gave them his last name, if it were to have been a girl maybe I would of hyphenated it. I know a lot of people who don't change their last name & give kids 2 middle names or hyphenate it.

tigerpawie · June 2014

When FI and I get married, he'll take my last name. His last name keeps getting misspelled and my last name is easy to spell yet unique. Totally his decision. I'm not pushing him to change. If he changes his mind, I won't be upset but I won't change my last name again. I just went through all the legalities of changing after my divorce and wow. What a pain.

When LO is born, he or she will take my last name. It'd be easier. I have two older kids with their dad's last name so if we could minimize the numbers of last names I'd have to write down or keep track, I'd be happy.

I won't hyphenate. It's just too complicated and his LN is easily misspelled. I'm always telling people how to spell it exactly. 'This is spelled without a 'P'!

JOACOA · June 2014

I am keeping my name, so we have decided to give LO my last name as middle name, and his as last name...

aa98 · June 2014

My DH is from a culture where the wives and children not only get the husband's last name but they get the husbands first name as their middle name. That was so not happening for me (struck me as "ownership"). Moreover, most women I know just keep their own name when married. Doesn't stop DH's family from addressing my e-mail according to their tradition though, LOL.

Personally I don't have a problem with the LO having DH's last name, but I want the middle name to be my last name and DH feels he is compromising enough by having the middle name be my FIRST name. I don't agree because as PP have said, the LO is part of both families so should have both families' names and secondly, my culture is not big on naming kids after parents and thirdly, what if we have a boy??? I have decided to reserve further debate once we've settled on LO's first name.

I say do what you and your DH are comfortable with, everyone else can just suck it.

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