Does your LO have a consistent male influence?

AllieAlba · June 2014

I was wondering if you guys' LOs had any consistent male influence from one person? And how important you think it is for a child to have a consistent male influence?

I'm kind of thinking of moving closer to my parents because I don't really have any close male friends that I haven't slept with that could in Berry's life consistently, and I guess that's pretty important. I mean, I love where I live and I have a great job, and all my close friends are here but it means 0 male influence really in Berry's life. Whereas if I moved back to Edinburgh, my dad would be around.

Do you think it's actually worth moving? Or would it be okay without any real male influence?

MinnesotaMomma91 · June 2014

It depends really. I mean if its important to you then its worth it. To me that was important because bentleys bio dad is such a looser i wanted him to have the positive role models to balance that out.

Hope that helps, and hope your feeling well

freeatlast2014 · June 2014

My kids still see their dad regularly. Would I call him positive? probably not the word I would choose, but he is consistent.
I know for me, I never had a dad and my stepdad molested me. However, my mom's brother and my mom's father were consistently in my life. I had my uncle walk me down the aisle even though I connected with my bio dad by that point. One of the two came to my daddy daughter Girl Scout events, anything dad related during grade school, and I could go to them for advice. And I did many times. I think it is important. It was to me as a child and young lady.

MinnesotaMomma91 · June 2014

@mrslynnyd im so sorry you went throught that

freeatlast2014 · June 2014

Thanks @MinnesotaMomma91‌
This creates a whole set of fears with my kids. Especially since now i am not with the kids all the time. Sigh.

MinnesotaMomma91 · June 2014

I can understand that completly. But i.guess all you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your kids and hope they tell you

OneBlessedMumma · June 2014

I worried when I was pregnant that my sons father might not be in his life, and my sisters husband gave me the best advice ever (well for me) "president obama was raised by a single mother" and I thought to myself you know what If a single mother can raise a man to be president I sure can raise a boy to be a functioning member of society!
That said I got extremely lucky, my sons father is a very positive constant in his life he relocated countries after his birth and visits us at least two days a week and dotes on him, my sons uncles, one my brother the other two married to my sisters are always involved and his grandfather (my father) we live with full time and is he most favorite person besides his dad and me to be with!
Do I think any type of positive role model is important YES but I think male or female doesn't matter, remember if your doing it on your own you need to keep your standards and morals high!
You cannot say one thing to do another, you must practice what you preach!
If you are not strong enough on your own to be all the things you want your child to be seek your family for help and guidance.
It also sounds like you need to surround yourself with better people, I'm a girl with a lot of guy friends and have been for 15+ years and I've slept with zero because the truth is you don't sleep with friends, remember that.
That's not a judgement it's just a fact a friend is someone you don't have sex with anyone else is under the other category and not worth including in your life with your child unless you are making a serious commitment to each other, kids need stability and sure things not loose labels and uncertainty

Good luck

AllieAlba · June 2014

@OneBlessedMumma I sleep with some of my friends, I don't sleep with others. They are still my friends and they are all equally good people. Who I sleep with and whether or not I am friends with them has absolutely no impact on my ability to be a good parent. And just because I sleep with someone, doesn't mean they are going to be a part of my child's life. I do not currently want a serious relationship but that doesn't mean I don't want to have sex, you know.

Maybe you are the type of person that only has sex when they are in a relationship; I'm not, and i never really have been. That doesn't mean I have lower standards or morals than you and it certainly doesn't mean I won't be as good a mother as you, okay?

AllieAlba · June 2014

Also @MrsLynnyD I'm so sorry that you had to go through that shit.

MinnesotaMomma91 · June 2014

@Alliealba i dont think @oneblessedmumma was saying that sleeping with someone you consider a friend would make you a bad parent. For me personally friends with benifits was better for me then relationships in the past. Heres why. I cant say i have an ex boyfriend i was head over heels in love with(bf excluded, thats mans always had my heart).

As i got older and more comfortable with my sexuality i started realizing i didnt need a relationship to have sex. But i still had boubderies. I never treated a fwb like a bf. We didnt kiss snuggle or go out on dates. I resented my xh because i felt very pushed into our relationship/engagment/marriage and very pressured into sex with him. Thus for acting out sexually with bd after leaving him.

Bf and i have a healthy relationship btw were taking things slow and by that i mean bf is letting me call the shots about when im ready to take things to the next level. I know if it were up to him wed get engaged tomorrow but id like to wait a while longer so he doesnt push the issue because we know where we want the relationship to go

OneBlessedMumma · June 2014

I do not equate anyone's ability to parent with their sleeping with people who are not boyfriends, I'm sorry you took it to mean that, I meant standards and morals in general also not just sleeping with people who arn't boyfriends.
I really want to clarify what I mean here though just don't have time until tonight but I really do not think badly of people having sex, we all need it, but I was just trying to say you need to be careful with a young LO and messages you give them, I think @MinnesotaMomma91‌ hit the nail on head with have boundaries in these types of situations,
Anyway will be back to clear up or dig my grave deeper this evening hahaha

MinnesotaMomma91 · June 2014

@Oneblessedmumma i hear where you are comming from thats why i thought id help you out. And yes we all need sex, but now that we have los its all about how wr have those people in our life. For example @alliealba once you choose to date again or have a fwb again before/unless things get serious treat the male like hes just a friend around your lo. I got put in an uncomfortable situation by an ex who had children. I wasnt as involved in the relationship as him(re: i was in it for fun/sex he was looking for his second wife) and he told his kids to say good bye to step mom when he brought me a milk shake at work. We broke up a few days later.

For the record thats a major extreme. Bd and i were friends before fwb and i knew his other kids and we NEVER acted coupley in front of his kids. Wed pal around and joke around in front of them but thats it.

Bf and i were back together 6ish months before we were affectionate in front of C. We all have a time line for when to start introducing our so to our kids especially as they age.

laurstarx · June 2014

Amelia has my dad and my brothers. I live with them so it's super consistent lol. She has never seen her father (she is 11 weeks old) and if he does decide to make an appearance he won't be consistent. He's such a loser

OneBlessedMumma · June 2014

Ok to recap! Just so you understand where I'm coming from, my sons father and I were never in a relationship, we were what I call the other category , kind of friends but as I stated not friends as I don't sleep with people I deem friends (again my personal definition)
Great for people who can compartmentalize things like that but I'm a bit more black and white with these things probably due to my age

So again no looking down on you for your situation

You have said people like this won't be around your LO to cause confusion which is fantastic! As I previously said appropriate boundaries are key , kids cannot process the complexity of a "friends with benefit situation" and shouldn't have to they need to be kids and not be questioning/learning adult actions and behaviors that was my only point there. Again not a judgement.
In general terms from you I believe in what I said as a single mum we have a very tough role to fill not for the faint hearted, we need to be closer to saints than any other

We need high morals and standards we are all our babies have, we need to mum and dad and we need to be the building blocks to our children's lives and instill in them everything important!
A strong role model in character is most important not the sex of the role model, but should you feel that task too large I suggest moving for support.
I moved home to have that support and guidance because it's a bloody huge job, I sacrificed more than anyone for my son to have the best but I'm never afraid to ask my family for help because I know I'm playing with a life here and he is more important than anything else

It is entirely up to you what is best for you and your LO everyone's situation is different.
So I hope I clarified there where I was coming from and not made this worse, you need to be the strong constant in your LO's life and you need to do that however you deem the best !
Good luck

And please know I don't think I'm a better mother than anyone else I'm also doing the best I can in the situationi have been presented with, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes, it's human nature

Unknown · June 2014

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