Discipline/WWSND Question-ASD related

Junebug060609 · June 2014

I have a 2.5 year old DS who is on the spectrum. We just had a baby, she's 6 weeks today. DS was pretty much fine when we had help here (aka when he got more attention both from me and in general), but since they left he's gotten progressively worse. Purposely getting into things he knows not to (he reacts/looks at us before doing it), trashing the house, tantrums, incessant whining...and all of this is at its worst when I'm home alone with him (most of the time) and when I'm nursing (um, she's 6w so that is also most of the time). I know in some ways it is typical toddler behavior in this situation (yay for something typical!), but I'm at a loss as to how to handle it...especially when it's usually just me with two kiddos and he most frequently acts out when I'm the most unable to just hop up and deal with it (when I'm nursing or have the baby thisclose to ready for bed...which would allow for him to get more attention)

I'm at my wits end today. I spend as much time as I can with him, but it can't be what it was before DD arrived. I'm not sure what to do about all the stuff he's doing that he shouldn't be. I can't just pop up and get after him every single time he acts up, not with another kid in the mix. We've tried ignoring the behavior, scolding, redirecting, time outs...pretty much everything you can think of short of spanking. He just laughs. He doesn't seem to care if it is positive or negative attention. I'm not sure how to tackle this one so figured I'd ask you all...

Help!

ToastieSimons · June 2014

I don't have a kid with ASD but those first 2 months were just about survival. We relied on the iPad and TV a lot. When DS2 was sleeping I would spend time with DS1 and try to get some quality one on one time.

And I still enforced nap time. It was the only hour I got to myself a day and DH was working crazy hours. I ate, showered, cleaned, etc.

And DS2 couldn't nurse so I can't speak to that part becasue I know in one sense FF is easier because you can jump up if you need to.

hopecounts · June 2014

He is attention seeking, to the best of your ability don't play into it.

Minimally redirect and then give attention when he is doing good. Lots of catching him being good and positive reinforcement.

He probably can't distinguish between positive and negative attention so is just going for attention. Redirect with short comment and prompt as needed then ignore until he has been good for a few then lots of 'Great job stacking your blocks' 'you are making a good choice playing nicely with the ball' etc

Have someone hit the dollar store or the target dollar aisle and get a lot of new things he is into it assuming his interests can be met there. set up multiple baskets and bring out a different one for each feeding. keep it new and interesting so he is distracted by them for as long as possible but he only has access while you are nursing the baby.

And yes you are in survival mode so if the ipad/tv/etc keep him safe and entertained go for it.

Junebug060609 · June 2014

Definetly not meaning to say anything about FF vs BF. I just mentioned it bc I literally have to have DD on my person to do it...and bc it's just a fact of life around the house these days, lol.

Totally about survival at the moment. I don't even want to tell you guys how many times I've watched Thomas lately...

We do still do naptime...and if DS takes his, I even mostly have them napping at the same time. Just coincidental with DD for now, but I try for it when I can...and usually pass the heck out myself if I can get them both down. You do remind me of another factor in his acting out: He moved to a toddler bed like a week and a half ago. Wasn't the timing I wanted, but he finally realized he could climb out. I think the afternoon shenanigans are amplified by his being tired. He's doing pretty well with bedtime in the big boy bed, but naps...yeah, he's about 2 for 10. I do still insist on him at least spending some quiet time in his room.

This, too, shall pass...

Junebug060609 · June 2014

@hopecounts The trying not to pay attention and/or redirecting to work the best. Honestly half the time I calmly (so as not to wake the baby) tell him not to do whatever and then put on Thomas to get him to stop since I have a baby on top of me. I don't like that he might be associating getting to see a program he likes with acting out, but I'm at a loss what to do in that situation.

For sure praising him when he does well and makes good choices. He's made some big strides in the last couple weeks...things like starting pointing(!!!!!)...so it certainly isn't ALL bad news. He's just a handful.

hopecounts · June 2014

another possibility, do you have a baby carrier?

if so could you baby wear while you are nursing to give you back your hands so you can have a more options if you need to intercede with something he is doing?

Junebug060609 · June 2014

I do have a carrier, and I got it for such situations, however DD is still nursing with a shield and we just aren't coordinated enough to do it when I'm moving yet. I wear her pretty regularly though, often when making dinner if she needs holding and DH can't do it and I always wear her when grocery shopping.

ToastieSimons · June 2014

Junebug060609 said:

Definetly not meaning to say anything about FF vs BF. I just mentioned it bc I literally have to have DD on my person to do it...and bc it's just a fact of life around the house these days, lol.
Totally about survival at the moment. I don't even want to tell you guys how many times I've watched Thomas lately...
We do still do naptime...and if DS takes his, I even mostly have them napping at the same time. Just coincidental with DD for now, but I try for it when I can...and usually pass the heck out myself if I can get them both down. You do remind me of another factor in his acting out: He moved to a toddler bed like a week and a half ago. Wasn't the timing I wanted, but he finally realized he could climb out. I think the afternoon shenanigans are amplified by his being tired. He's doing pretty well with bedtime in the big boy bed, but naps...yeah, he's about 2 for 10. I do still insist on him at least spending some quiet time in his room.
This, too, shall pass...

I wasn't implying anything about BF vs FF. I do agree that a newborn and BF is harder. You have to take the time to get their latch right, they're sleepy, they're physically attached to you, you can't just prop them. With FF, I could put DS2 down in the swing in about .1 sec without worrying about him ripping my nipple off if DS1 was physically in danger.

Is his room empty besides a bed? Keep trying the nap. It may come back. I let DS1 have some stuffed animals in his bed and other than that their room is empty. He may nap, he may not. He'll watch out the window, play with his stuffed animals or lovey. Or climb in and out of bed.

DS1's favorite thing is the iPad. So I would put the iPad or computer on next to me while I was feeding DS2. Then I would sing or be silly and give him lots of positive attention while DS2 was eating. And I would try not to do this specific activity unless DS2 was eating etc. Once DS2 was 3 months I tried to do a lot of joint playing so DS1 would start associating DS2 with positive things besides a screaming baby. I would put DS2 on the floor by me and tickle DS1, etc.

It's hard, I know. Just take it 1 day at a time. Sometimes I would take them both for a ride just to have 30 minutes to myself of not being physically attached to 2 kids.

Junebug060609 · June 2014

His room is pretty empty. Just a table lamp, his book case and a bean bag. I'm for sure keeping nap/down time. Even if he doesn't sleep, momma needs a break and so does he.

There is one thing he's been doing since, oh, November that has gotten my goat (pulling all the DVDs off the shelves) and it kind of came to a head yesterday. It was his go-to when I'd nurse and he went to it. During his would-be nap I put a baby gate up around it. After said nap he made it his mission to rip down the gate and pull all the movies off. This with me stopping him repeatedly. Nothing was working to get him to stop, the baby was crying and I was about to snap...so I put him in his room for a minute so I could cool off (I needed someplace safe for him and away from me). Tried to explain what was going on and explained it again afterwards, but I felt/feel awful about it. Worst part is that come bedtime he started freaking out at being in his room. Normally he's fine with being walked there and is fine with bedtime...even if he doesn't stay in bed

smerka · June 2014

A LOT of that behavior just sounds like typical new big brother stuff. Since you are in survival mode, just leave the DVDs on the floor. What's the harm in that? He knows it bothers you and probably likes the noise it makes. But then my dining room is currently covered in Thomas crap and has been for days. I just don't care about having everything put away any more.

Junebug060609 · June 2014

I do think a fair amount of it is normal behavior for a two year old who just got a sibling. There is for sure an ASD element to it, but acting out to get attention and pushing boundaries are standard fare for toddlers .

We actually ended up moving the bookcase to our bedroom (off limits most of the time to DS). It was driving me BSC and it was just time. He still acts out, don't get me wrong, just for some reason 98% of the other stuff I can ignore (assuming he won't get hurt or break something).

A2TP · June 2014

My DS1 was 28m and did not yet have his ASD diagnosis when my twins were born. It was ROUGH. We had a very very short list of non-negotiable rules that were enforced no matter what (even if it meant disrupting an aaaaaalmost asleep baby, etc). These were all safety issues (like harming the dogs, etc). Everything else I would try to redirect as possible but there were no time outs or consequences for a LOT (most) behaviors for 6+ months because enforcing rules only sporadically was causing more problems than it was solving. We didn't want him to learn that some rules only applied sometimes or that mom/dad only followed through on their "threats" sometimes.

It's all about survival in those early days. Good luck!

Junebug060609 · June 2014

Auntie, That is something I run into when trying to describe stuff to others. I get a lot of "that is normal for a two-year old". Yeah, spinning is normal...spinning for an hour though, notsomuch. They get it when they spend a day with him.

I'm not going to use a nursing cover at home. She needs the interaction and it isn't seeing her Thats the issue, it's that I'm not on the floor with him.

A helper is out of our budget. Probably wouldn't help a ton, he wants me. Ship has sailed with the three year age gap. We were just five months off from that though.

He has some play skills, but nowhere near what they should be. Improving a lot though.

Want a personalized experience?

Discipline/WWSND Question-ASD related

Re: Discipline/WWSND Question-ASD related

Choose Another Board

Search Boards