Family devastation. Help?

kfo22 · June 2014

Let me tell you about my cousin. She was born just 21 days before me, got married a year after me, and come to find out, got KU only two weeks before me! Imagine that! I was looking forward to sharing the news of my LO just when I got a text from my aunt. At around 17 weeks, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. By evening the next day, my cousin and her husband held their baby boy in their hands.

I'm sorry I'm sharing such a heartbreaking, devastating, horrible story. The past few days I haven't stopped thinking about her and her baby. And now I want to hide my pregnancy from them forever, because if the roles were reversed... I'd be too devastated to want to hear about my cousin's (VERY close in proximity) pregnancy. No way.

So, maybe they'll all meet around 5 years from now!

jlove253 · June 2014

How terrible. Let your cousin dictate time with you. It's great you clearly care about her and want to be sensitive to her feelings, but she may surprise you. I'm sorry for your loss too (of a new family member, not your own baby).

absolutelymaybe · June 2014

I'm sorry for your family's loss. That's so awful.

I haven't lost a child (thank God), so I can't really say how your cousin feels, but I would give her space right now and let her know you are there for her when she's ready. As PP said, she might surprise you.

kfo22 · June 2014

I would love to be surprised! I'm not too close to her- I live about 800 miles from them right now, so at least I won't have to face her so soon. Although I wish I could be there now. We get along fine when we're together. Our uncle who's really close with her has guessed that I'm pregnant, though, so I'm not sure where to go from there.

Shananagann · June 2014

A close girlfriend and I found out we were both 7 weeks pregnant, so we were basking in our commonality. But then she ended up miscarrying within the next couple weeks. I wasn't sure what to say or do. I just text her that I love her (she lived several states away) and am thinking about her. She told me that meant a lot. I wasn't sure how to talk to her since my pregnancy has been healthy, but she was living vicariously through me now, she told me, and texts me before each of my doctors appointments. She told me she'll love my baby twice as much because she lost hers.

Everyone is different. But that has been my experience. People surprise you.

Singingmama10 · June 2014

My closest friend had a MC in December. She went through hell trying to get pregnant, finally did and then 8 weeks in found out that there was no heartbeat

. She knew my husband I just started trying to get pregnant and told me (after a few weeks of mourning the loss of her baby) that I better tell her when I'm pregnant. She said "the last thing she wanted was me not to share my happy moment with her".

Now all that said, she is probably the strongest person I know. I don't think I would have been able to say that if the roles were reversed. I know she beyond happy for me, but I also know that there is a definite sting because we got pregnant so easily, and (so far) everything has gone smoothly.

If it were me I would definitely play it by ear. Maybe she will want to hear, maybe she will be more hurt that you didn't tell her. Or maybe she just isn't ready and won't be ready for a while. Your distance definitely helps with that. However, my friend always says the thing that drives her the most crazy is when people feel guilty telling her things because they feel pity for her. but I think all that really depends on the person. Everyone reacts differently.

SarahHeck · June 2014

My husband and I have a really close friend, we might as well be related, his parents and hers are BFFs, DH and friend are 2 weeks apart in age, I met both DH and friend when I was 7 years old. Anyway, our friend got pregnant 2 weeks before us and they had never miscarried before so they announced right away. We had had a miscarriage and were more cautious. Our friend ended up miscarrying 2 weeks before we were going to announce. It was terrible. I was so scared to tell her so I didnt. We told a few other people and eventually our daughter told her kids right in front of her. I was cringing, but She gave me a huge hug. She was so excited for us. Sometimes people really do surprise you.

creativesoul83 · June 2014

first off so sorry for the loss in your cousins family. losses are heart breaking. I have had 3 over the past year. It was rough. Your wonderful for thinking of her feelings. How about maybe talking to your aunt and seeing what would be easier way to approach?

My personal experience after My first loss my best friend was ttc and she said I am not going to tell anyone because if what happened to you happened to me I would be devastated. Well slack me in the face. That being said. I told her I personally would rather had known.to be happy for her then feel like she was keeping it from me. I was fragile not quite broken..... That happened after the other losses.

I would talk to your aunt or possibly uncle since he guessed. If not I am sure she would be happy just knowing your there for her. your awesome for thinking of her. She is lucky

kfo22 · June 2014

Thank you for sharing the stories, guys! @singingmama10 Now that I see your friend's perspective, maybe I'd be upset about being pitied, too. I think I'll approach my uncle about it. Hopefully I can trust him to be sensitive and quiet for now, as well.

alexgenie · June 2014

I had a similar, but different situation. My father passed away from cancer in September. A month later the father of one of my closest friends, who was my bridesmaid, was diagnosed with the same cancer that my father had died from. She didn't tell me. She didn't tell me for over SIX months. She didn't want to 'burden' me with it when I was already going through enough.
It really upset me that she thought I couldn't both mourn my father and be there for her at the same time.
Give her the benefit of the doubt. It might be hard for her but I have zero doubt that she will be thrilled for you.
Good luck.

missnacholover · June 2014

So sorry about your cousin's loss.

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