MIL and the week after baby's due

Singingmama10 · June 2014

So my MIL, before I was even pregnant, mentioned (on numerous occasions) that she will be over at our house and will sleep on our couch the week after we have our baby. She did this with my SIL... and I am sure was very helpful. Here is the problem. My own mother used to do the same thing, but she died 2 years ago from breast cancer. I have 2 older sisters, with 2 kids each, and they have both offered to step in and fill this tradition since our mother can not be there. I always knew that I would mourn my mother's death the most when I eventually was ready to have kids of my own and I'm telling you (the anniversary of her death happened to land right on mother's day this year, that was fun

) it really has been hard. My problem is, my MIL is going to fill every single grandma responsibility. My mom is not here so it is all going to land her, and she will LOVE it. She is a great grandma, but this is one thing that I just can not have her do. How do you think I should, or DH should tell her that this is just not going happen? My MIL is rather pushy and emotional, and gets her feelings hurt SUPER easy (ugh) and I just worry that it will not go over well.

btw... I am all for her coming over to visit during the day. I just don't want her there 24/7.

runningmama14 · June 2014

Does she live close enough that she could easily be there during the day without staying overnight?

If so, I would just tell her that your sister will be staying with you during that time and you don't need multiple houseguests, at the same time making a big deal if how nice it will be to have her there during the day. If she makes an issue of it, then I wouldn't hesitate to explain that you would really like to spend that time with your sister(s) in honor of your mom. Sounds like her feelings will be hurt no matter what, but hopefully she will understand.

ETA, if this were my MIL, I would have no problem being the one to tell her, but if you think it will be taken better from DH, then send him in to do the dirty work.

Carebella · June 2014

I love that your sisters are game to step in and help continue your moms amazing tradition. Can you work on finding a compromise to offer your MIL? Mention to her that you love and appreciate her offer, explain that your sisters will be doing this for X number of weeks to help carry on your moms tradition, and that she would be welcome during the day? Or that she could stay for a couple days between or after the sisters?

I hope you and DH can find a good solution that works for you and that your MIL will simply be happy and appreciative of any time she gets to be there and help out. It is up to you two to invite her to spend time with baby. Not for her to dictate.

SarahHeck · June 2014

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.

If this were me and I really really didn't want his mom there. I'd have DH ask her not to stay with us. Have him tell her it isn't anything personal towards her (even if it is) just that her being there would be too much of a reminder to me that my mom couldn't be there or something like that.

jlove253 · June 2014

What @FhSTAR81‌ said, and if appropriate add that it is not because you hold anything against her, and you are so happy she'll be your lo's grandma. You just know you'll be missing your mom so much and would want your sisters to be there.

I'm sorry again about your loss.

ed16564 · June 2014

I agree- I think if your DH explained that you wanted your sister there during the night because it was a family tradition- and that she was welcome during the day, or could come the 2nd week, I'd think it would go over ok.

colettey_37 · June 2014

This would be a tough situation, if it were me i would prob get DH to talk to her and explain that this is going to be a difficult time for you and that you would like your sisters to be there to support you. I would hope she would be understanding of this and let you do whats best for you. I would also give her jobs to do that dont include her staying the night so that she feels included and like she is contributing.

librarygirl123 · June 2014

I agree with PPs. Maybe let her know that in case you need help after giving birth with personal things (in case of a C/S or episiotomy, or whatever) your sister is going to be staying on your couch. I would also make a big deal about loving her help during the day!

Singingmama10 · June 2014

Thank you all for your kind words and compassion! It is going to be really hard for me and I am pretty sure she realizes that. We have not always had the best relationship, but I would say overall she does love me and will probably be hurt at first, but hopefully will understand my reasons. I think you're all right stressing that she is welcome during the day will help elevate her hurt feelings, and maybe they can even do shifts. My sisters have kids and jobs of their own (one is a SAHM, but that is certainly a job). but I don't know, STM's, am I going to want to someone there all the time? all of this is foreign to me and I am probably worrying about it more than need be. but this is one of the things I have stewed over since she first mentioned it in passing.

Kristy774 · June 2014

Everyone gave great advice. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about your mom. My mom is fighting triple negative breast cancer and has been for the past 5 years. It went to her neck recently, and she just finished up chemo and radiation again. It's really tough. I'm so glad you have your sisters there for you.

Singingmama10 · June 2014

@Kristy774 I am also sorry to hear about your mother. It is the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through (she had lymphoma about 13 yrs ago then got breast cancer about 3 yrs ago) I hope and pray that your mom continues to fight. It is hard, but SO many woman beat it! and your right I don't know what I would do if my sisters weren't here to support me. LOVE THEM!

@Wildflower810 you know I never really thought about it that way. I don't think that she ever had any bad intentions. I just assumed she wasn't thinking about it period. So thank you for bringing up that possible option.

lincoln79 · June 2014

This is just my experience, but mh and I had a big heart to heart with my MIL two weekends ago about why we have needed to be so absent from their lives during our struggle with infertility and loss.

The best part was that mh was sitting next to me, but let me express my feelings to his mother. it ended with all of us crying tears over our lost babies and a better understanding of each other.

If you can do this, I encourage it. She probably is just trying to fill in where she knows you would want your mother and likely feels overwhelmed by that too.

(((Hugs)))

Sarahbeth612 · June 2014

I'm sure this isn't easy for you

If it were me, I would write or email almost exactly what you said here, to be able to get your words and feelings out without interruption. She will absolutely understand!
Hugs

PandaCon · June 2014

I think PP's have given you great advise about how to handle MIL.

As far as needing someone the first week or two, I think it depends on comfort level with the person. My mom took half days at work the first week and would come around lunch time. She would make me lunch and love up on DS along with helping to run a vacuum or load of dishes. She was also there to help with dinner. I had people from church dropping on dinner some nights and it was nice to have her there in case I was BF'ing or DS was sleeping (or I was). I was totally comfy with her helping and being there.

If it was anyone else I would have felt like I had to entertain in a way. It was great to be able to stay in sweats with no bra (because one didn't fit at the moment) and not worry about what others were thinking. My MIL would probably have just wanted to sit and hold the baby. That to me isn't helpful. I am capable of sitting on the couch holding the baby. Now if someone want to throw in dishes or laundry, then they can totally hold the baby as a reward!

)

It will probably be different with DS around this time. People can come and play with him and that will be a huge help!

Just my perspective!

kaimee27 · June 2014

I think that PP have given great advice. Maybe you could either have your DH explain things to your MIL if she would take it better from him, or at least have him by your side when you explain things-that way you're presenting a united front. Also, I would think she'll probably (hopefully) understand when you explain that it's not that you don't want her there at all, you just need this tradition to continue to help you get through the difficulty of not having your mom there. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this at all!

AnnieRoo13 · June 2014

PPs have given wonderful advice and I don't have anything to add, but I wanted to say I understand where you're coming from as my mom passed away 5 years ago and my MIL is also trying to fill her place at times. If you ever want to chat about it I'm always here

although our moms are gone, they would have been ecstatic to be grandmas. Just remember that when you're feeling sad.

justjinny · June 2014

It is awesome you have people in your family who can help out like that! I agree with others it is best to be open about you feelings, otherwise things may get misinterpreted and your MIL could feel left out.

With DS#1 we told family they could come visit the weekend after he came home, but no overnight stays. We said we wanted time and space to settle in and have a quiet house. Everyone respected that and no one had hurt feelings over it. We didn't need much outside help though sine it wasn't like I was recovering from giving birth.

My Mom and MIL don't get along, so we always try to set up separate visiting time, usually saying "that way you'll get more time with baby and not have to share." That also keeps them from pouting or trying to guilt us into inviting them over.

With this baby I am planning to ask only my Mom to come stay a few days. It will be nice to have an extra person to help while DH and I take naps or keep up with housework. My MIL can be stressful when she's here. You should not feel bad for limiting visitors to just those who you will feel most comfortable with in your first few days home. It is really sweet that your sisters can be there for you.

Singingmama10 · June 2014

I like the idea of MH being there with me and me expressing what I need to. I just don't think she would understand it quite as well coming from him. Quite honestly, I think I will feel like I need to entertain her... and if the house is the mess I will feel like I have to clean it. I think I am just going to have to get over that. That is more my own issues, rather than anything anything else. but if she was here for too long (all day and night) I do feel like I would be more uncomfortable than comforted.

Thank you for all your suggestions... I think I have a much clearer picture on how to deal with this. I was feeling a little guilty. I was thinking I was being overly emotional about it, but I feel much better about it now.

@AnnieRoo13 They definitely would be ecstatic to be grandmas to our babies. Before my mom died she made my future child a baby quilt (another tradition she would do) and I can't tell you how special that is. but yeah they would have been, but still can be amazing grandmothers because of their legacies. Thank you for your kind words and the same goes for you, if you need to talk or hash anything out feel free to pm me also

.

hiketheworld · June 2014

I would also sit down with her in person and just be honest. Tell her that it is hard to go through this without your mom and that your mom always stayed the first week. Your sisters are going to be filling this role on behalf of and in honor of your mom. Tell her you appreciate her offer and you feel so lucky that your have her in your life, that she will be an amazing grandmother. I would hope she would understand.

wallygirl · June 2014

My mom stayed with me the first week and my MIL for a few days the week after. Could you do something like this or would it still be too painful for you? This was the best solution DH and I could come up with so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. Be as honest with her as possible. Hopefully she will at least try to understand.

Edit: hit post too soon

Nfranco973 · June 2014

I totally feel where you are coming from as I just lost my mom as well. She was at both my births and around to help me afterwards. When I found out I was pregnant my sis offered to take her spot as she knew it would be difficult for me emotionally knowing that my mom was not there to share the moment. I would have it no other way. My DH asked me if MIL can come after baby is born. I told him I don't mind but I would rather my sis help me with things because I would be more comfortable. Truth is, I would feel just like you. It would probably make me more sad that she's not here anymore and other grandma gets to see and be around her grandchild. Maybe I will feel differently down the line but right now it's still fresh.

Edited because my phone posted before I was finished typing lol

pennyandandy · June 2014

Sorry for your loss. As far as needing help after, I had a c/s, so I needed help, especially at first. My h had time off the first three days we were home, so nobody stayed then, except the first night. My mom stayed after that for a week, then mil for about a week. Nobody was supposed to stay with us the first night, but long story short my mil ended up staying. It was the most horrible experience ever. It completely ruined our first night home as a family. I was a hormonal mess, my milk had come in and she was all up in my business. I have the most awful memory of that night.

alexgenie · June 2014

So sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad recently and it's already so tough knowing he's missing out on all these amazing times.
I think if you don't say anything now, you'll have a lot of other times in future where you wish you'd spoken up this first time and avoided other awkward situations. I don't mean this in a horrible way, but "put her in her place" now.
I hope once she knows the reason behind why you feel that way she accepts it gracefully and steps aside.

mamatohne · June 2014

Is your dh going to be home with you for the first week? It might be a good idea for her to stay with you while you have him to stop her if she's stepping on toes? From my experience I didn't need anyone's company/help until dh went back to work and then I asked people to come stay for a couple days ( mostly because I thought I was going to loose my mind in an apartment by myself with a new born and HARDCORE baby blues) it might be nice for your sisters to be there for you then.

I'm sorry for your loss as well. My mother in law (who I was more close to than my own mother ) died of brain cancer when I was pregnant with ds. My due date was the day she was diagnosed one year later. Yesterday would of been her 50th birthday and it was a really rough day.

rahkitt · June 2014

My MIL is in England, and with my first baby her trip was planned around my due date. I was so relieved when DD was born two weeks early and MIL wasn't there to see my blood and milk dripped on the bathroom floor, or walking around without a bra because my breasts hurt so much.

I guarantee there will be days and nights down the road when you will desperately need to catch up on sleep. Not so much that first week when baby is sleeping all the time and you probably have your husband to help, but later. I would ask her if she would be willing to be "on call" should you need some help on random days or nights in the future. There were times when my mom came to spend the night and she was perfectly happy staying awake all night holding the baby and only bringing it to me once or twice to nurse. She was happy to do it because she hadn't been helping for a week straight. Plenty of people want to help that first week, but when you have a one year old still getting up 6 times a night, that's when you really need it.

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