P*#%ed with DH!

Re: P*#%ed with DH!

• jsaffer01 member

  June 2014

  I feel ya, but I have a different situation. My husband works the overnight shift. So I'm the only one doing night time feedings. Well he is also taking a class 2 days a week, so he managed to switch his schedule around, so he has 4 nights off. Which has been so helpful for me since he lets me sleep. Well since I'm on leave I don't get a paycheck so we're tight on money. His old job contacted him the other day and asked if he wanted to work. Apparently his old boss said he'll make a part time schedule for him. So he's going to take it for the money. Which I completely I understand we need it. But this just means he is going to be working 7 days a week, and 3 of those days are going to be from 5pm-7am, the other days are 11pm-7am and one day is 3pm-11pm. So this means to me is I'm the one now doing everything by myself. Because when he gets home from work he is either going to sleep or go to his class and then sleep. It just frustrates me because when I got home from the hospital he was working those hours and I had a week of doing it by myself all the while trying to heal from a c section. I cried every single night. And I just know how it's going to be again. I will not be surprised if I end up with PPD, because of this. My fear is that because I'm doing everything around the clock that I'm going to resent my son. I've talked to him about this, but he just keeps saying he would rather be home, but we need the money. But I've noticed when he is home he doesn't help out much either. I've told him many times how he needs to help me, so he can understand why I'm stressed and frustrated. He acts like he doesn't want to hold our son. He doesn't try to help him when he's gassy. He can't multitask for the life of him. Tonight LO needed gas drops and MH had to have me give them to him because he can't hold him and get them at the same time. It's just completely frustrating that I managed to do things for the baby and our dogs at the same time and also do some house chores. But not my husband he can only handle one thing at a time.
  
  So again I understand your frustration mines just in a different boat.

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• gurleymomma member

  June 2014

  You two need a sit down conversation.with my first daughter i felt like i carried more of the load at night, which was fine since he worked overnights but on his nights off he wouldnt even get up for a feeding at night.after about two weeks of no sleep i exploded and told him i needed help.i really dont think he noticed how stresssed i was.He began to get up for a least 1 feeding on his night off and on days he worked he made sure i got a nap after he got home.with this baby he has been wonderful,while he still on overnights he now a manager and works 12 hour days.that leaves me with the baby all night and our other all morning and evening.but this time he always is asking what he can do to help.dont be afraid to hand that baby off after hes been home for a few.my poor dh would sometimes get the hand off at the door.tell him straight up how u feel.

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• usernewname member

  June 2014

  You need to have a talk with him.
  
  I do understand your frustration but YH can't read your mind either. You need him to watch LO or do something for LO, ask. But things he can handle and will succeed with.
  
  Men have no idea what they are doing when it comes to babies. Some dive in and are very hands on from the start. Some are nervous and want to but are hesitant and some don't care.
  
  My DH is the nervous and hesitant group. He wants to do many things for DS but I can tell he's super nervous. I ask him to do things I know he can handle, such as putting his basket in his office while be sleeps for DH to keep an eye on. Or to hold him for a moment while I go the bathroom.
  
  He has yet to change his diaper, clothes or care for him alone while he is awake. But I can tell he feels helpless when DS cries out of hunger. I do know he will do more things once he gets more comfortable or there will be no choice but to do it.
  
  I say all this because maybe YH has some feelings about it all. But my first statement remains. You both have to talk it out. Hang in there

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• stephierd81 member

  June 2014

  @jsaffer01‌ - sorry you are dealing with such a crazy schedule!! yeah. I forgot to mention I also have our two dogs during the day. Including my husband'a arthritic incontinent 12 year old lab. I can relate to so much you said. DH can't multitask either. He will help when LO gassy cause he seems to be better getting him to burp than me, but he also seems like he doesn't want to hold him as much. He's so quick to put him down. I know men and women are wired differently but damn!!!
  

   

   

  

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• jsaffer01 member

  June 2014

  @stephierd81‌ MH is very quick to put him down as well. Last night when we got him, he put the car seat down and then immediately went and sat down in the living room. I had bottles to clean, and dishes to do, so I look at him and say "are you just going to leave him in the car seat?" His response he doesn't need to be held all the time. No he doesn't need to be held but he also doesn't have to be sitting in the car seat either, take him out and put him in the swing or pnp...
  
  I've quickly learned that I have to tell MH what I want him to do, with anything in life. He can't read my mind. But I also don't like asking him 5 times to do what needs to be done. Men are definitely wired differently than women.

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• jsaffer01 member

  June 2014

  @stephierd81‌ I private messaged you.

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• cnbean member

  June 2014

  I agree with PP that the best thing to do is talk to your DH. Personally I don't feel like working all day is a good excuse to not help out at home.

  
  

  One thing that I feel like really helped my DH to understand how hard taking care of a baby is was for me to leave. That forced him to figure out what to do and how. If possible try and plan a girls night with a couple friends, then turn off your phone and let him figure it out! And the bonus is you get to relax and have some fun with out the baby, which I always find helps make it easier to deal with the baby later. 

  
  

  Good Luck! Being a FTM is hard, but it gets better.

      

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• banks81 member

  June 2014

  I agree with tge advice to leave thr house. It gives my DH time to learn what works best for him so I'm not correcting him and telling him "my way" to do everything. I had to learn by doing, so he can do the same thing. Also gives him a chance to bond with DD without me there. Good luck!

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• MissLadyTay member

  June 2014

  MH works 8 hours a day. Taking care of our kids takes up to 24 hours a day. He can help with his kids. If you are FF I don't understand why you can't just hand him the baby and leave. Trial by fire.

   

  DS - 2 years old

   

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• pistolpackinmomma member

  June 2014

  It sounds exhausting but some men just need exact instructions. If you say "I need to have DS sleep on your side of the bed to give me a break" then he will put him on his side and that is that. They almost need you to say I need him to sleep on your side of the bed so you can get up when he needs changed/fed. When DS1 was little and I had asked DH to get up with him he got up and picked him up and looked at me like now what? I made the mistake of only saying he's hungry and DH fed him and put him back down. Great. Except he needed changed too so now we will wake him when we change him. As for the diaper bag, we have a 17 month old and a new baby. DH could not tell you the first thing about what we needed in a bag other than diapers until he spent a week doing everything on his own because I was healing from my c/s and could only tell him what to be sure to pack.

  
  

   
  

    

  
  

  Congrats to my GP Sister from another mister Bruinsbabe!!

  
  

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