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court - advice, suggestions, opinions

runningmama22runningmama22 member
in Single Parents
Hi all - at risk of sharing tmi publicly, I had to get a temp PFA against BD 2 Fridays ago bc he threatened my life and expressed severe disappointment I was not miscarrying after having a week of cramps. Stupid. The temporary PFA got a continuance until this coming Monday. My atty spoke with his atty, and they seem to have come to some agreement - a 3 month extension of the temp PFA, with no communication, and then BD and I can speak again before I go into labor to see if he's calmed down/if he is going to be part of his daughter's life.  At that point Im planning to only communicate over email so everything is documented and easy to retrieve if needed for any reason.  Is this a stupid agreement? Should I still fight for a permanent PFA up to 3 years?  

A little background - Initially, before he threatened my life, we had a shitty abusive (verbally and emotionally and he pushed me once) relationship - well it was roses before I got pregnant, but that's neither here nor there... we had been planning to discuss custody and draft our own agreement and take it to court to get it court ordered w/out having the judge make all the when/where decisions.  NOW, I don't want to be alone around him... I dont know what I'll feel like in 3 months... I dont know if he meant what he said or what - all I know is he is scary and abuses alcohol and drugs, and I only want him around our daughter if he is clean and/or supervised. 

Thanks, I'm just overall terrified of court and all of this, but I guess I should get comfy with it since I'll be there off and on for the next 18 yrs ...
Team Pink!

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Re: court - advice, suggestions, opinions

  • MinnesotaMomma91MinnesotaMomma91 member
    You know, im torn here. I want you safe and that part of me says push for three years but at the same time i dont want you to change your mind three months from now for a couple reasons one being its a lot of work to reverse a pfa order and two ot doesnt look good one you to reverse one.

    So i guess my advice is this, ask your lawyer if in 3 months your still scared/worried/nervous to be alone with him that your pfa can be extended to three years. If yes go that route if not, ask your lawyer to advice you as your paying them to do whats in your best interest. Thoughts prayers and well wishes
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  • 20thirteen20thirteen member
    I have to agree with Minnesota. If you don't feel safe now, I'm not sure how you'll feel in three months. I doubt things would change much for him to change your mind about how safe you'd feel around him, and it sounds like by then you'd have an infant to protect as well. If you don't feel safe, you wouldn't feel safe bringing an infant into that environment either.

    I would also vote for keeping the pfa for 3 years.

    Lots of hugs and good thoughts your way.
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  • MinnesotaMomma91MinnesotaMomma91 member
    Upon further thought ask to push for the three year pfa. You need to protwct you and your lo
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  • OneBlessedMummaOneBlessedMumma member
    Ok I'm no expert but my 2cents worth GET A PFA!
    My reasoning it sounds harsh but a leopard does not change its spots and any guy who makes you fear for your life or wish miscarriage on you is a bad one!
    My very best friend was in an extremely abusive relationship for six years and when it was good it was amazing and when it was bad there where broken ribs, the bottom line was despite how good and perfect this guy could be, he was always also that jerk who started small with put downs and six years later excellerated to broken bones, you cannot risk a child's safety because he might change and might not revert to being the bad guy!
    My next story is another piece of why it's so important to take him out of the equation and protect that child, I was with a guy, living planning a life together and I got unexpectantly pregnant, he was so mad, he was very much like your ex.
    I lost the baby and he was pretty happy about it but this guy told me he loved me wanted to marry me etc etc before I lost the baby he wanted me to get rid of it to save our relationship.
    Our relationship did not survive he was a master of emotional abuse which he always was, I then got pregnant to my sons father who was an acquaintance I had no ties to he was never mad, said he would never ask for a paterinity test ( my son is 100% his but you know what guys can be like especially if you never had a relationship with them) and has been a massive support unit and part of our family, he doesn't love me he doesn't have romantic feelings for me but he will always be the down right decent guy he is, a leopard doesnt change it's spots!
    You need to start concentrating on you and baby and anyone who is a possible danger needs to be removed.
    I always say its what you can live with, if you didn't get the 3yr PFA and something bad happens could you live with that?
    It's easy for someone to put on a good show for three months, it's easy for them to do it for six, you have seen their true colors, is it now worth the risk to see if it was just a phase???
    Again no expert and I hope you make the right choice for you and you little one xx
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  • tig594tig594 member
    Go for 3 years.  It won't be any better after your LO arrives and you'll be too tired/stressed/emotional to make sound decisions for quite some time.  Protect yourself now.  
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  • jellybean529jellybean529 member
    tig594 said:
    Go for 3 years.  It won't be any better after your LO arrives and you'll be too tired/stressed/emotional to make sound decisions for quite some time.  Protect yourself now.  
    Thisthisthis. It's never okay for anyone to make you fear for your life. Get that PFA for as long as you can and don't look back.
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  • runningmama22runningmama22 member
    Wow, thank you all ladies very much for your support and suggestions! I appreciate all of it very much. I have spoken w/ my atty and we are going to continue to push for the 3 years. Unfortunately.. we have a bad judge now, who throws these PFA cases out left and right. I sometimes hate the state I live in, bc the statutes for what constitutes "abuse" are not as liberal as they are in other states. It's pretty scary because in my opinion, does it matter if he "just threatened my life once"?? How many times does he have to do it??? Especially while I'm pregnant, thus threatening my baby girl?? And the statistic is that more women experience domestic abuse WHILE PREGNANT than any other time... shocked me, blew me out of the water, but I'm now going to counseling at a domestic violence center nearby, and they gave me the facts.  It's terrifying - and you all are right, it should be extended as long as possible... he DOES scare me, and @oneblessedmumma your story scares me so bad, because it's totally possible with this guy. I know he is just words right now except for the one time he pushed me, but years of words can easily turn into something more aggressive, and I have years ahead of me.  Thank you all again so much <3
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  • freeatlast2014freeatlast2014 member
    I just got a permanent lifetime one. He pushed me once, used intimidation and control and disgusting language in front of my kids. I know i did the right thing, 100%.
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