Advice on dealing with IF stress?

.Mrs.Matt. · June 2014

I started stressing about IF pretty early on for some reason while beginning TTC, but I'm worried now that it is affecting my body negatively. I wouldn't say I'm extremely stressed, but I have nearly constant thoughts about IF (except for during work). During my personal time, I just can't seem to turn it off! Other than IF, life is good - better than it has ever been. I also have difficulty with letting others in close enough to know our struggles, and I don't foresee that changing.

Over the last year, I've been sick more times than I can count. Currently dealing with awful 'allergies' but medication isn't even helping, so now I'm wondering if this is just all been an ongoing battle with a cold.

Does anyone here have coping techniques they employ to help get the constant negative IF thoughts to simmer down? We have a trip planned at the end of this month which I think will help, but that's obviously not a permanent solution!

jaytee16 · June 2014

I'm sorry you're feeling the IF stress, it can be so overwhelming and hard to handle. A trip sounds awesome, but I also know that isn't a permanent solution. You said you're pretty private about IF, we are too IRL, do you have any support system? I have heard great things from ladies who have been to support groups through their clinics or Resolve. I've also heard great things about the Cirlce + Bloom program, although I haven't personally tried it.

Personally, I find my blog to be a great outlet. I have learned about myself that holding in my feelings or wishing them away only makes them worse, so being able to get it out has really been therapeutic for me. It also helps me to organize my thoughts. Most recently, after much reluctance, I went to see a therapist for a couple of sessions. She showed me some anxiety techniques which I have been trying to use regularly. I have heard the more you practice the better you get at it. Same with meditation. Do you have any hobbies or interests, or projects you could focus on?

I wish there was an "easy fix" or something, but everyone deals and copes differently. I hope you can find something to help you through this ridiculously difficult journey, and know that you're not alone, we're here and we understand.

lebradford · June 2014

I definitely don't think there is an easy fix. FWIW, I feel like I pretty much think about IF constantly too. I know that doesn't fix it for you, but you are not alone. I'm still working on some ideas for how I can hope, but I haven't really implemented much yet.

This summer I think I am going to try to stay as busy as possible (with fun things). I want to plan at least a long weekend trip so I have something to focus on (planning and going). I'm going to try to read more books (instead of just reading the Bump....) I will probably try to run or walk more often. I have been thinking about seeing a therapist again too. I was going about a year ago, and I tapered off, and I think it would be helpful, but I'm putting it off. I think a blog might be a good idea for me too. I think writing down my thoughts is really helpful.

I hope that helps! I wish I had a magical answer!

.Mrs.Matt. · June 2014

Thanks, everyone! My clinic hosts a support group on a monthly basis, but it isn't well attended. I went one time and was disappointed that there was only one other couple in attendance. They also have a therapist available, so I may set an appointment sometime in the future with her. I want to tell myself just to STOP thinking about it and focus on something else... but that never works!

Sometimes I wonder if staying off of these boards would help (I lurk!), but I find so much comfort and support just by reading the posts that I don't want to stop.

Knowing I'm not alone in this torture is definitely comforting, so thank you!

sweetsurrender9 · June 2014

emilee871 said:

...

Totally OT, but that picture of Dave is outstanding. In case you weren't aware.

BunnyBerry · June 2014

Thank you for asking this question. Yours and everyone's posts here have been really helpful to hear.

For me, participating in 3T makes a huge difference, because I don't feel weird or abnormal the way IF feels IRL, and also because I can channel all that obsession/worry into participating in a healthy social environment.

To help with the cyclical stressors of treatment over the summer, we've planned house projects that I have really wanted to do for each month, whether or not we get PG. They cost money and time, so I feel like I am getting a big treat from DH as a consolation prize each cycle. It's also a great distraction, and checking off projects feels really good and like something productive was done. I also like getting our house in order (it's been a year here!) because that encourages me to invite a wider circle of people over, which is also a great distraction and healthy and fun.

Recently, the best way I've been getting my mind off IF has been helping my DH with his English classes (he's in school, and English is not his first language). It's been an amazing experience of watching him grow and learn, admiring his enthusiasm and creativity that had not seen before, and spending really great quality time together getting closer before we do parent. I definitely recommend and twosome projects you could do with DH because it always feels like we're working on our family in another way, helping to prepare a happier home for future LOs.

As far as negative thoughts - for me, I absolutely have to prevent any kind of hope or expectation for success in a given cycle. The ups and downs are too upsetting and after 5+ years, I am just so done with that feeling and how it takes everything out of me! So I try to replace negative or positive thoughts with just, "the chances are super low for us, we are only practicing now." Along with that is trying to go a day at a time and not letting my thoughts wander down the path of future possibilities (will we ever have kids?). Not always successful controlling my thoughts that way, but I find it well worth investing time and effort in trying to think that way because it cuts down on the disappointment.

Finally, for me, spiritual peace makes a world of difference. I have complete faith that God is taking care of us and loves us and has the ability to help us through any difficulty that comes our way, no matter how hopeless or painful it is. That knowledge really helps me be at peace with the process.

theholmanherd · June 2014

Honestly, if I let myself think about IF, I just want to slam my head into a wall. So, instead, I have taken up several hobbies and projects. I am a camp counselor, youth leader, VBS and Sunday school teacher, I'm writing a series of books, I work 25 hours a week at a very physical job, I read all the time (about 2-3 books a week), and I mess around on the bump and talking to friends on facebook. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about something I have zero control over. There's an old saying from sales I learned that helps me: control the controllables and don't worry about the uncontrollables. You can't control when you'll have a baby or how much it will cost, but you can control the rest of your time in the meantime, which can help you cope with and control your feelings and stress.

Good luck!

.Mrs.Matt. · June 2014

Thanks again, everyone! I am thankful for this board because it has really shown me that others are going through the exact same issues, regardless of diagnosis. As we'll only be able to try a couple of IUI's with injects for the remainder of the year, I'm sure I'll need that daily reminder that we're not alone even more!

So I think the boards are a huge blessing and a tiny curse

I love love love seeing BFP's on this board, it gives me great hope for our future! I'm trying to turn negative thinking around by imagining looking back on this journey in 5 or 10 years, and feeling complete thankfulness for the children we'll have (hopefully!) by then.

LindseyM2012 · June 2014

I find that trying not to think about IF or pretending like it doesn't bother you is incredibly counter-productive. I do give myself little projects around the house to keep myself from wallowing though. Things like cleaning out a closet (or any part of the house really), cooking different meals, lots of reading, crochet projects, etc. If there is a goal, it doesn't feel like busy work you're doing just to keep your mind off something.

I did need to give myself time to "grieve" the fact that our TTC process won't be like I thought. Being a control freak, this is a sort of loss for me. That acknowledgement is pretty therapeutic. Not saying that there will never be bad moments, but allowing yourself some time to be sad can stave off chronic sadness that you're trying to push away.

mindaa · June 2014

Not much to add. Unfortunately I can't say that I've figured out how to full shake the chronic "blues" but like others, I cope by distracting myself with busy-ness... especially travel and sports-related activities that would be more difficult with kids. I also just finished writing a book and have another in process. And I just got a 2nd job as an adjunct instructor, which has been really fun!

I do allow myself a couple days at the start of each cycle to really wallow in and let myself fully feel the pain. But like others, I have a strong faith that won't let me stay in that place for long, so I make sure I'm listening to or reading plenty of encouraging, hopeful messages.

mindaa · June 2014

.Mrs.Matt. said:

I'm trying to turn negative thinking around by imagining looking back on this journey in 5 or 10 years, and feeling complete thankfulness for the children we'll have (hopefully!) by then.

This is so true. During the TTC process I've often reflected back on how I felt during the year or two before I met my DH. I had a similar sense of longing and emptiness and the restless uncertainty of not knowing if/when I would ever meet someone.

In hindsight, it seems silly that I got so worked up... the timing was perfect and DH was well worth the "wait". I went through! Someday, I look forward to feeling the same about all this

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