Hearing about women getting termination procedures while I'm pregnant...

shannonshare · June 2014

I work at a non-profit organization and part of my job is managing our volunteer program. We have volunteers who work with us through a welfare to work program; generally, they are women who already have children. They often are around my age (27) or younger. In the past several months, I've encountered two volunteers who were pregnant at the time I met them and were making the difficult decision to terminate their pregnancies. One of them was already working two jobs and said that she just couldn't handle it at this time and she already had four children, I believe. The other one told me today that she has five children and has been homeless with her children before so she needs to think about all of them. I don't judge them for their decisions to terminate, but it does make me particularly sad to hear about their stories while I am so excited to feel LO kicking away and to meet her in a few months.

I guess I don't have a question here, but just wanted to share how much more emotionally affected I am hearing about all this nowadays. :-/

lrobi13 · June 2014

That has to be extremely hard but also would make me want to ask them about birth control. I am guessing that they can't afford it but it seems as if they could acquire condoms for free at a health department. It has to be cheaper and less heart aching than dealing with a termination.

I am sorry that you are in that spot.

AmandaJean12 · June 2014

That's so hard. My heart aches for anyone who feels they have to make that decision because of financial circumstances like the women you're mentioning. Makes me grateful that I know we can provide for LO... You have to focus on the blessings.

DaniGrace89 · June 2014

I've felt sad hearing things like that lately too.

I couldn't imagine not wanting this baby to be a part of me. Must be a really hard decision

shannonshare · June 2014

theresat858 said:

lrobi13 said:

That has to be extremely hard but also would make me want to ask them about birth control. I am guessing that they can't afford it but it seems as if they could acquire condoms for free at a health department. It has to be cheaper and less heart aching than dealing with a termination.
I am sorry that you are in that spot.

This, but birth control is fully covered by all health insurance now, isn't it? I think that was part of Obamacare... so being able to afford it should not be an issue (and even before that, Planned Parenthood provides free/low cost birth control to anyone who needs it...).

I don't know the details of birth control under health insurance nowadays, but I do agree that it is important for people to find ways to make sure they aren't put in these difficult situations. It's just so sad to be hearing about the situations many women have gotten themselves into after the fact rather than before when it could have been prevented.

lrobi13 · June 2014

Nicb13 said:

theresat858 said:

lrobi13 said:

That has to be extremely hard but also would make me want to ask them about birth control. I am guessing that they can't afford it but it seems as if they could acquire condoms for free at a health department. It has to be cheaper and less heart aching than dealing with a termination.
I am sorry that you are in that spot.

This, but birth control is fully covered by all health insurance now, isn't it? I think that was part of Obamacare... so being able to afford it should not be an issue (and even before that, Planned Parenthood provides free/low cost birth control to anyone who needs it...).

I think it's viewed as "too much work" for some people to go out and acquire BC so instead, they have unprotected sex and find themselves in a situation they don't want to be in. At least that's what I've encountered with a few people IRL I'm close to.

I would rather have too much work on the front end than to deal with having a completely preventable expensive medical procedure. I really can't wrap my head around that. As mentioned before I am pro-choice but it just breaks my heart that so many people don't know and/or don't care about birth control options.

Man oh man oh man...

staryb · June 2014

theresat858 said: lrobi13 said: That has to be extremely hard but also would make me want to ask them about birth control. I am guessing that they can't afford it but it seems as if they could acquire condoms for free at a health department. It has to be cheaper and less heart aching than dealing with a termination.I am sorry that you are in that spot. This, but birth control is fully covered by all health insurance now, isn't it? I think that was part of Obamacare... so being able to afford it should not be an issue (and even before that, Planned Parenthood provides free/low cost birth control to anyone who needs it...).

I believe it is covered now under most plans but maybe not the grandfathered plans just yet. Also, there are still a lot of people out there who don't have insurance, the fine is only $95 for the first year which is much cheaper that paying the premium for the year. Heck I didn't even have insurance until after I found out I was pregnant. Still, if you're having financial problems and can't afford to feed your 4+ kids or get some form of birth control then you probably shouldn't be having sex. Abstinence may be frustrating but is free.

And I agree, this would be very difficult to hear from someone you actually know, it's making me sad just reading about it!

ETA: Not sure why this isn't quoting right...tried to fix it but it didn't work.

MissMandyD · June 2014

crawford411 said:

I am not quite in the same situation. I do pre-op history and physicals for my job. We often get add-on cases (put on the next day's schedule after I leave for the day) who are having D&Cs for missed abortions first thing in the morning. Obviously, none of these women are having the procedure by choice, although some did not know they were pregnant until after the loss. Seeing these women grieving is awful, especially since many of them have recurrent losses or are begging for a repeat ultrasound to confirm loss. Although this is pretty much always wishful thinking, I so hurt for them and we always do them before surgery. I spend the entire time trying not to cry, because I can't imagine losing this baby.

I've been fortunate to be able to button my white coat and hide my bump until now, and now that I'm bigger, my coworkers do what they can to keep me away from these cases (for the patient's sake). But it's getting to the point where the belly doesn't hide any more and the coat doesn't button. I live in total fear that one will happen on a day when I am the only one there to do the H&P.

I just wanted to tell you that being thoughtful and considerate when someone is facing a D&C or D&E is so appreciated and does not go unnoticed. All the staff at for our D&E were wonderful and it made a horrible day a little bit better.

chicitygirl7 · June 2014

Not to sound all judgey, but if one has 4 children, 2 jobs and is facing homelessness, how do they even have the time or energy to have sex?! Seriously?! There aren't enough hours in the day. I am pro-choice, but it's hard for me to conjure up sympathy for people that don't take precautions. If they can't afford birth control, how do they afford abortions?

Mnerani · June 2014

crawford411 said:

I am not quite in the same situation. I do pre-op history and physicals for my job. We often get add-on cases (put on the next day's schedule after I leave for the day) who are having D&Cs for missed abortions first thing in the morning. Obviously, none of these women are having the procedure by choice, although some did not know they were pregnant until after the loss. Seeing these women grieving is awful, especially since many of them have recurrent losses or are begging for a repeat ultrasound to confirm loss. Although this is pretty much always wishful thinking, I so hurt for them and we always do them before surgery. I spend the entire time trying not to cry, because I can't imagine losing this baby.

I've been fortunate to be able to button my white coat and hide my bump until now, and now that I'm bigger, my coworkers do what they can to keep me away from these cases (for the patient's sake). But it's getting to the point where the belly doesn't hide any more and the coat doesn't button. I live in total fear that one will happen on a day when I am the only one there to do the H&P.

I'm sure this is very hard for you. I can't imagine how hard it would be for the patient to see you pregnant while they are undergoing this procedure. Not something for you to feel guilty about AT ALL, but I do hope your colleagues find a way to continue to exclude you from these procedures, for the mothers' sakes.

Mommy2Boys09 · June 2014

When I was VERY pregnant with DS #2, I went to the doctor and was sitting behind a lady who was on the phone yelling, saying "YOU BETTER HOPE I'M NOT PREGNANT, I'M GETTING AN ABORTION IF I AM!" and was just talking crap to the baby's father about how she wasn't going to carry his baby. It did not sound like she had any other kids, or like she was doing it for any reason other than to piss this guy off. My husband and I were so pissed. I just felt like crying and screaming, how dare she come in there talking like that in front of a bunch of pregnant women? How idiotic. She had no care (so it seemed) that it was an actual baby, just worried about getting back at some guy.

ADH0906 · June 2014

Not to wade in too deeply, but how do we know that they played fast and loose with birth control or unprotected sex?

lrobi13 · June 2014

ADH0906 said:
Not to wade in too deeply, but how do we know that they played fast and loose with birth control or unprotected sex?

You are right, we don't. I was just assuming. But if they have had numerous children they can't afford it would seem like good bc would be something that would be extremely important.

Kendrav4 · June 2014

theresat858 said:

lrobi13 said:

That has to be extremely hard but also would make me want to ask them about birth control. I am guessing that they can't afford it but it seems as if they could acquire condoms for free at a health department. It has to be cheaper and less heart aching than dealing with a termination.
I am sorry that you are in that spot.

This, but birth control is fully covered by all health insurance now, isn't it? I think that was part of Obamacare... so being able to afford it should not be an issue (and even before that, Planned Parenthood provides free/low cost birth control to anyone who needs it...).

Your assuming they can afford healthcare...and planned parenthood doesn't provide free or reduced cost to anyone who needs it, you have to meet their low income requirement and sometimes still have to pay a portion of the cost...at least in Nebraska, not to mention it can take months to get an appointment.

I really try not to judge people in these situations. Its very easy to say well practice abstinence or make sure you have birth control, but its not always just that easy for everyone.. And its not always people who just are being irresponsible who end up in these situations.

Littledeer84 · June 2014

Sometimes BC fails...

mcclan03 · June 2014

OP and @crawford411, I feel for both of you. I'm pro-choice because I believe the alternative (criminalizing abortions) translates to even worse situations/ramifications than abortions, but I have to say, since becoming pregnant, I can barely even think about it. And I don't want to open a can of worms, but it's almost shocking to me to think about the fact that some women have abortions after the first trimester. I know this isn't the time or place for the Roe v. Wade debate but, man, it's all pretty terrible.

Point is, I can't imagine regularly bearing witness to those losses, planned or unplanned. I'm sure your professional training is kicking in, but it can't be easy. I hope you're able to keep some distance from the hardest parts of it.

LaDyBostonRN · June 2014

I actually have to assist with D&C's all the time and I guess I am just good at removing myself in a personal way, from the situation. I just think, I have my life and this is theirs. Not to say that sometimes with certain cases I don't feel sad, or upset, but for the most part, I think I have been trained to remove myself in a professional manner and it works for me.

MrsTinMKE · June 2014

chicitygirl7 said:

Not to sound all judgey, but if one has 4 children, 2 jobs and is facing homelessness, how do they even have the time or energy to have sex?! Seriously?! There aren't enough hours in the day. I am pro-choice, but it's hard for me to conjure up sympathy for people that don't take precautions. If they can't afford birth control, how do they afford abortions?

I have to agree, and it the situation is that serious, why wouldn't you take better precautions. I have a hard time having sympathy for this type of situation. I am pro life - but because I have seen many careless women in my life, throw away life like it is nothing. I understand that situations vary; but sometimes you need to be more responsible when it comes to preventing pregnancy.

makaelashook2 · June 2014

Honestly, with me being pregnant now and hearing of people terminating their pregnancies make me sad, but enrage me also. Everyone's story is different, and everyone goes through hard times but the way I was raised, abortion is wrong. No one ever considers adoption apparently. I just think about that poor, innocent little baby that could be something in the world, a human is a human, no matter how small. There are so many people out here who cannot have children, who deserve them, and then there are people who are "struggling" so they decide to terminate their pregnancy. Truth is, everyone struggles. Do someone a favor, and adopt.
If you have the decency to open your legs, have the decency to either raise the child or give someone else the gift of life.

ADH0906 · June 2014

makaelashook2 said:
Honestly, with me being pregnant now and hearing of people terminating their pregnancies make me sad, but enrage me also. Everyone's story is different, and everyone goes through hard times but the way I was raised, abortion is wrong. No one ever considers adoption apparently. I just think about that poor, innocent little baby that could be something in the world, a human is a human, no matter how small. There are so many people out here who cannot have children, who deserve them, and then there are people who are "struggling" so they decide to terminate their pregnancy. Truth is, everyone struggles. Do someone a favor, and adopt.
If you have the decency to open your legs, have the decency to either raise the child or give someone else the gift of life.

I was so proud of myself for not touching this thread when it was first posted. *takes deep breaths*

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I used to be more pro-choice before my two back-to-back losses. Now the idea of women being careless with their bodies and then choosing to abort their babies rather than giving them a fighting chance makes me sick. When I first saw this LO's heartbeat on the monitor at almost 7 weeks, I knew he was so much more than a "bundle of cells". Before my first miscarriage I never gave it that much thought, I guess. I am more pro-life now, but not staunchly so. I do think things like rape and incest make it a completely different situation than someone who is just being careless and unable to take responsibility for the consequences of that carelessness.

ADH0906 · June 2014

The problem with all this judgement is that it's not up to any of us to decide whether they were "careless" with their bodies. That is not your call, and there's a whole lot of stereotyping happening in this thread.

ADH0906 · June 2014

Nicb13 said:

dorothyzbornak97 said:

ADH0906 said:

The problem with all this judgement is that it's not up to any of us to decide whether they were "careless" with their bodies. That is not your call, and there's a whole lot of stereotyping happening in this thread.

Right? Everyone who gets an abortion was not "careless" or "opening her legs" to everyone in town. That's the vibe I'm getting from this thread, and frankly, it's disgusting.

Dude, this thread came back and took a turn for the worse. It sucks now.

I'm going to argue that it sucked from the beginning.

shannonshare · June 2014

ADH0906 said:

dorothyzbornak97 said:

ADH0906 said:

The problem with all this judgement is that it's not up to any of us to decide whether they were "careless" with their bodies. That is not your call, and there's a whole lot of stereotyping happening in this thread.

Right? Everyone who gets an abortion was not "careless" or "opening her legs" to everyone in town. That's the vibe I'm getting from this thread, and frankly, it's disgusting.

Dude, this thread came back and took a turn for the worse. It sucks now.
I'm going to argue that it sucked from the beginning.

Thanks for the kind words regarding my decision to post how I was feelings, @ADH0906. It's unfortunate (and I guess somewhat expected) that controversial topics like this would cause divisions and bring out opinions on both sides. In any case, I posted this because it was a current situation that was on the forefront of my mind, rather than my trying to put a pro-life or pro-choice opinion out there. I figured that (and was somewhat correct) people would empathize with having to encounter these difficult situations on a regular basis.

ADH0906 · June 2014

dorothyzbornak97 said:

shannonshare said:

ADH0906 said:

Nicb13 said:

dorothyzbornak97 said:

ADH0906 said:

The problem with all this judgement is that it's not up to any of us to decide whether they were "careless" with their bodies. That is not your call, and there's a whole lot of stereotyping happening in this thread.

Right? Everyone who gets an abortion was not "careless" or "opening her legs" to everyone in town. That's the vibe I'm getting from this thread, and frankly, it's disgusting.

Dude, this thread came back and took a turn for the worse. It sucks now.
I'm going to argue that it sucked from the beginning.

Thanks for the kind words regarding my decision to post how I was feelings, @ADH0906. It's unfortunate (and I guess somewhat expected) that controversial topics like this would cause divisions and bring out opinions on both sides. In any case, I posted this because it was a current situation that was on the forefront of my mind, rather than my trying to put a pro-life or pro-choice opinion out there. I figured that (and was somewhat correct) people would empathize with having to encounter these difficult situations on a regular basis.

Honestly, I didn't have a problem with what you posted, as you seemed actually empathetic toward those women and acknowledged that they were making a difficult decision.

It was all the "they need to use birth control," "careless with their bodies," "opening legs" talk after that took this thread to an ugly place.

@shannonshare‌ I agree with the above, and didn't mean to imply that the original OP sucked. The responses were disappointing to me from the
start, not necessarily your post. I apologize for not being clear. I'm not sure what you mean by it being unfortunate that controversial topics bring out both sides...by default, that's exactly what they so.

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