sad stuff...not pregnancy-related UPDATED

longcat07 · May 2014

SO's mom has been battling nonhodgkins lymphoma on and off for the better part of the last decade. several rounds of chemo and all that. about 2 years ago, as sort of a last-ditch effort, she underwent a stem-cell transplant. she did ok for a while but developed a cough last summer that got worse and worse, and in january they finally confirmed GVHD (graft vs host disease) in her lungs. normally, GVHD is when the body rejects a transplant organ...in this case, it's more her new immune system from her brother's stem cells rejecting her body (or her lungs, in this case). she and SO's dad seemed hopeful that the treatment would be going ok, although in the 6 weeks between our visit last march and our visit a couple weeks ago, she seemed to have declined quite a bit.

i guess the doctor told them today that she'll be hospital-bound probably in the next 3-4 weeks, and gone in 3 months. SO is kind of a wreck right now. i mean, of course he is. the boy loves his mama. i don't know what to do. my own experience with loss is that there really isn't anything i can do, but my experience is very different. i didn't have to watch the person i love decline over time and waste away. i'm sad for his mom because she's such a wonderful person, but i admit what's killing me is seeing how much pain this is causing SO.

i guess that's it. not really looking for advice because i know there isn't much, although if you have some it'd be welcome. T&P for her comfort, maybe? this just sucks.

UPDATE: i wanted to update here instead of starting another thread, so i'm not littering the board with really depressing NBR things. things went a lot faster than expected...i guess the "3 month" quote was provided that she go into the hospital on a breathing tube. she didn't want that, and she went down hill a lot faster than expected anyway. she passed away this afternoon, in her house, while SO and i took DS out to get him out of the house before he went thermonuclear. (we'd come down last night because SO's dad let us know that the end was near.) it's going to be a rough 5 days till the funeral.

i kind of feel like it's good we're done after this kid, because evidently i can't get pregnant without someone close dying. and i know that's a totally stupid way to think because this has nothing to do with me, and she was sick a long time before i even met SO. it's just one of those dumb thoughts that sneaks in when you're not paying attention.

thanks again for all the thoughts everyone. SO seems to be doing ok (he broke down last night after we got here and saw how bad she was), as is his dad, but i know there will be moments when they aren't (his dad especially). i'm doing my best to just let them do their things for now and stay kind of in the background, planning meals in case someone is hungry, etc.

Lalalady54 · May 2014

With your new babe on the way and SO's mom declining- maybe use this time to do some legacy building, for your family. Have her read a recordable book to baby so you have it (maybe your SO's favorite so it's a good memory for him too), have her write baby and husband letters if she is able, take photos, look through old photos and have her tell you the stories, take this time to build memories, because those will never leave. I will be thinking of your family

hugs.

bmblebea · May 2014

So sorry for you and your SO. It's a very difficult situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys. I agree with Lalalady54 that legacy building is a great idea so that your LO with have a piece of his/her grandmother

peggels24 · May 2014

Oh I'm so sorry that both you and SO have to go through this. T&P's for you, him and his entire family. I love the idea of legacy building.

rmpar29 · May 2014

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Many (((((HUGS)))) and I hope that they can keep her comfortable. My thought will be with you and DH!

12chachacha · May 2014

I am so sorry for what you're going through. Many good thoughts to you and your family.

mellie86041 · May 2014

I'm so sorry! Many many T&Ps for her and your family!!!

kmcorter · May 2014

Lalalady54 said:

With your new babe on the way and SO's mom declining- maybe use this time to do some legacy building, for your family. Have her read a recordable book to baby so you have it (maybe your SO's favorite so it's a good memory for him too), have her write baby and husband letters if she is able, take photos, look through old photos and have her tell you the stories, take this time to build memories, because those will never leave. I will be thinking of your family hugs.

I love this. All of it. I think it's a wonderful idea. Unfortunately I lost my dad to cancer when i was a teenager and hanging on to the wonderful memories of him is what kept me strong.

longcat My thoughts and prayers to you and your family and for your SO's mom and her comfort. hugs to you during this difficult time.

spoonleg · May 2014

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. It must be incredibly difficult for your SO.

I agree with what others said about legacy building. FWIW, my H's grandfather passed away several months before he was born, but someone in the family (H's mom? grandma?) asked him to write his future grandson a letter before he passed. That letter was sealed in an envelope and kept in a special place until H was old enough to read and appreciate it himself. I have never read the letter (I don't think anyone but H has), but every now and again I see it lying out, as if H has pulled it out to re-read it. I just saw it a couple days ago. It's obviously very special to him. He was named after this particular grandfather. If we have a son, he will likely be given the same name.

liladelphia215 · May 2014

That's awful! I'm so sorry

It must be so hard on your SO

Mdm159 · May 2014

I'm so sorry for you and your family. We went through the loss of my FIL last summer to pancreatic cancer and it was the hardest experience I've had. Hospice really helped us to understand the process of letting a loved one go, hopefully they can guide your family as well. I also agree with the legacy making-- wish we'd done that. Thoughts and prayers xoxo

MoreThanSparrows08 · May 2014

I am so sorry y'all are going through this. (((HUGS))) I absolutely love the idea of having her write a letter or read a recordable story book for your LO. Sending thoughts and prayers for comfort and peace during this time.

alibc123 · May 2014

So sorry got what you're ALL going through. Thoughts for her comfort are being sent her way!

Bigboneded · May 2014

(((Hugs))), sorry you have to go through this. I will certainly keep her and family in prayers!

IHeartScience · May 2014

I'm so sorry. Prayers for strength and peace.

longcat07 · May 2014

thanks everyone, for the kind words. we all only barely know each other but it still feels good to have support in such a heartbreaking situation. i feel terrible saying it, but i kind of knew it was coming...i just wasn't expecting it so soon.

@Lalalady54, those are some awesome ideas...we changed our non-plans for the weekend so we could go down for a visit. i'll mention these ideas to SO to see if he wants to pitch some of them to his mom, since we're probably going to break the news to them this weekend instead of after our u/s like we initially planned. i especially like the idea of the letter. the recorded book would be great, but i'm afraid she might not be able to talk that long without going into a coughing fit.

@spoonleg, thank you for sharing your experience. i think the letter might be a good route here...hopefully she can hold on long enough to know if we're having a boy or girl, but even if she can't, i think it's a great idea.

@nursesouder, hospice isn't involved yet as they literally just found out yesterday, but SO said his dad had said something about it to him on the phone last night, so i'm sure they will be before long. we'll be grateful for whatever resources they might have.

mommajw · May 2014

I'm so sorry! Sending thoughts and prayers your way. I love the idea of taking this time for legacy building, especially love the letter idea!

christyp42 · May 2014

so very sorry to hear about these trying times for your family. my dh's mom is terminal with cancer, she will be moving in with us next week for home hospice..long,trying times are coming but the best you can do is be supportive of your so no matter what they need. many thoughts and prayers for you all. feel free to pm me if you want to chat

penguindash · May 2014

I'm so sorry to hear you and your family are going through this. Sending hugs and thoughts your way.

BookitBoo · May 2014

I'm so sorry to hear what you guys are going through. Thoughts and prayers.

taberbtb · May 2014

I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out t you, your SO, and his family.

polevaultRN · May 2014

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. Keeping you all in my T&Ps.

hamlett17 · May 2014

So sorry, this must be so hard. Thoughts & prayers.

Bigboneded · May 2014

Prayers for you and your family (hugs)

longcat07 · June 2014

update: (i posted this in the OP too, so if you already read it there, go ahead and skip it here)

i wanted to update here instead of starting another thread, so i'm not littering the board with really depressing NBR things. things went a lot faster than expected...i guess the "3 month" quote was provided that she go into the hospital on a breathing tube. she didn't want that, and she went down hill a lot faster than expected anyway. she passed away this afternoon, in her house, while SO and i took DS out to get him out of the house before he went thermonuclear. (we'd come down last night because SO's dad let us know that the end was near.) it's going to be a rough 5 days till the funeral.

i kind of feel like it's good we're done after this kid, because evidently i can't get pregnant without someone close dying. and i know that's a totally stupid way to think because this has nothing to do with me, and she was sick a long time before i even met SO. it's just one of those dumb thoughts that sneaks in when you're not paying attention.

thanks again for all the thoughts everyone. SO seems to be doing ok (he broke down last night after we got here and saw how bad she was), as is his dad, but i know there will be moments when they aren't (his dad especially). i'm doing my best to just let them do their things for now and stay kind of in the background, planning meals in case someone is hungry, etc.

Maebb · June 2014

I'm sorry for your loss.

Beauxbaton · June 2014

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. You guys will all be in my T&Ps

Milagros315 · June 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. T&Ps for you and your family

GromMom · June 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss! (Hugs)

Ktbug613 · June 2014

Hugs

rmpar29 · June 2014

I'm so sorry for your and DH's loss. Losing a parent, even one that's been sick, is never easy and I'm glad that you are there to help take care of everyone. You and DH's family will be in my T&Ps! So many (((((HUGS)))))) for you!

mmooki · June 2014

So sorry

kmcorter · June 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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