Our ongoing daycare drama

littlestjerry · June 2014

So, it's been 2 weeks since we got back from vacay, and DS is still losing his shit at drop off and talking about how he doesn't want to "see his friends" and wants to stay home. DH texted me today that he can't take it anymore. DS kicks and screams from the time they leave the house until and through drop off. He's also started saying DH is mean probably because he's the one who forces him into school. I feel awful for DH. So I called the school today.

She basically said he's playing us...that he calms down after awhile and that lots of kids do this. She also said "I talked to his teacher after your husband called the other day, and they said he doesn't even play with [the problem child DS said was hitting him]." I'm sure I'm just being over sensitive, but I felt like the implication was that DS is lying. Remember that when H called, she confirmed this kid is a behavior problem.

So, anyway, I'm just kind of torn up about all this. The older kids are moving up at the end of this week, so maybe the arrival of his old friends will improve the situation. Does anyone else have an older toddler that randomly began hating school and crying uncontrollably at drop off? Is he really just playing us?

Again, sorry TL;DR

[Deleted User] · June 2014

DS goes through these phases. He will throw a fit only to be fine 15 minutes later. And then refusing to leave school at the end of that exact same day.

Vacation has also thrown him off routine. I would wait until the other kids move and see how it goes. As far as the other kiddo, will he be part of the group moving?

littlestjerry · June 2014

Yes, problem kid is moving on up!

I wouldn't be as concerned if he didn't talk about his hatred of school at home. Like, he seriously hates school now and he used to love it.

MrsJakes · June 2014

How does your husband respond to him when he's pitching the fit? Does he try to help him calm down or does he just drop him off and leave?

There's a lot of reasons why the crying could have started, but if he's getting some sort of payoff for the behavior through extra attention from your husband or the daycare, then that might be why it continues.

RondackHiker · June 2014

DS always looses his mind at drop off for about a week after vacation. When he was having bully issues he was reluctant for a few weeks.

I'd try talking to him about daycare, as PP suggested. Ask what upsets him about daycare and if there's somethign that could help him feel better. With DS we did a LOT of coaching. "If a friend is being mean, what do you say?" "Good, you can hold your hand up and say no!" "What if the friend doesn't stop?" "Say no again! Good! And if that doesn't work?" "Right, play somewhere else or get a teacher." "If someone is upsetting you, who should you talk to?" "A teacher or mommy or daddy, that's right. Who can you play with instead?" "Oh, she's fun! What do you play?" "Wow! Can you do that tomorrow and tell me how it goes?"

Giving him coping strategies and changing our drop off routine a bit (he now waves out the window and we honk) helped him deal with his anxieties and has really made him GREAT at standing up for himself.

I'd see if you could wait a week after the problem kid moves up. After all, if you did decide to move him he'd still need to go there in the meantime.

I'm so sorry. This is so hard. Your poor kiddo and your poor H. I would sob in the car after rough drop offs.

littlestjerry · June 2014

H said he pretty much throws him at the teacher and leaves, he just feels awful.

I'm not feeling defensive about the allegation he's playing us, more so that he's lying about this kid being mean to him. But I do acknowledge I could be taking that too personally.

RondackHiker · June 2014

Little Jerry said:

H said he pretty much throws him at the teacher and leaves, he just feels awful. I'm not feeling defensive about the allegation he's playing us, more so that he's lying about this kid being mean to him. But I do acknowledge I could be taking that too personally.

Is that what they said?

Because even if they don't play together the other kid could say or do mean things, or say or do things that your son feels are mean or hurtful. If they're dismissing it without looking into it or watching, that would bug me.

dashofreality · June 2014

I know that I am not the norm on daycare mom's but I moved my kids when they were upset. Different situation, but we started a new place and it didn't go well. My younger one would cry at drop off, unlike him, and my older one started acting out at home and freaking out. Getting really upset at night because she knew she was going back the next day. I pulled them after a week.

I would definitely give it a bit more time since the kids are moving up, hopefully that helps. But I'm a big proponent of going with your gut. I didn't have a lot of options and I had to put them in a kinda crappy daycare for a bit but they were happy. I know a lot of people say stick it out for a month, but I just don't have that in me. GL, I know it is stressful.

littlestjerry · June 2014

She didn't overtly say he is lying, just that DS never plays with him and must be saying the kid hits him because he overhears him getting in trouble for hitting.

MrsJakes · June 2014

Little Jerry said:

H said he pretty much throws him at the teacher and leaves, he just feels awful. I'm not feeling defensive about the allegation he's playing us, more so that he's lying about this kid being mean to him. But I do acknowledge I could be taking that too personally.

Maybe the kid isn't being mean to him in a way that the teachers notice. He could be saying something in passing or doing something that other kids wouldn't necessarily be as bothered by, but it hurts your son's feelings.

Or maybe other kids tell on him, so the teachers are more aware. If your son doesn't say anything, then they don't know.

littlestjerry · June 2014

I believe them that he calms down, but he's very sensitive and often keeps things in around people that aren't us. Like, if he falls and my in laws are around he does this little lip quiver thing and tries desperately not to cry. The thought that he might be spending some of his day trying not to cry and repressing his sadness breaks my heart. I know I'm not being quite rational but I'm tearing up just typing that.

MrsJakes · June 2014

Little Jerry said:

I believe them that he calms down, but he's very sensitive and often keeps things in around people that aren't us. Like, if he falls and my in laws are around he does this little lip quiver thing and tries desperately not to cry. The thought that he might be spending some of his day trying not to cry and repressing his sadness breaks my heart. I know I'm not being quite rational but I'm tearing up just typing that.

Have you mentioned that concern to his teacher? I would hope that she would notice if this was happening, and she would be there to comfort him.

jesuisfatiguee · June 2014

Not sure if this is an option for the interim, but DS had a hard time a drop off for a couple of weeks while he was transitioning to having a new teacher. If they took him (screaming, flailing, melting down) and just stood in the doorway to the yard with the door open, he would calm down pretty much instantly. That might have worked as a good distraction because he is younger than your DS, though. It also doesn't help with the more long-term issue, but yeah.

I hope that once the problem kid moves out and his old friends move up things get better. I would be really torn up about this, too

[Deleted User] · June 2014

DS does much better if I don't react or try to mitigate the fit. He calms down much quicker if I say "Sorry buddy. I love you but I have to go." And I leave. And he stops- usually by the time I hit the front door and can see him on the camera (they have monitors in the front that shows all the rooms).

The teacher will encourage the kids to "push mommy out the door" and I swear it works. The kids feel in control in an appropriate way.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

DS will wake up whining that he doesn't want to go to school. I flatly (no emotion) say "sorry but you have to go to school today."

I then talk up playing with his friends or whatever activity is that day. For example, I talked up music and yoga today since those are Wednesday activities. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes I toss him in and run. He has yet to be miserable at the end of the day.

littlestjerry · June 2014

I'll try to talk to the teachers today at pick up. I'm a loser though, and I'm scared I'll cry. I'm way too emotional about this.

Manateearmz · June 2014

DD did this out of the blue one week. We actually found that completely changing her morning routine worked like a charm. We woke her up earlier and gave her a few extra cuddle minutes at home and fed her breakfast at home instead of school.

If you have ongoing problems I would maybe set up a few tours to determine if this really is the best fit for you.

angelashly · June 2014

PrivacyWanted said:
DD went through a phase like that last summer. She had just started DC then. I gave her a "special necklace". I'd wear it at home and then when we dropped her off (or she was leaving with DH to be dropped off) I'd give her the necklace. I told her she could rub it whenever she needed me to be thinking about her, it helped a lot.

I mentioned in the other thread that she also would sometimes say a kid was being mean and hit her, when really the kid was being mean and hit a friend. Around 2.5 is when she started to become empathetic/sensitive. Even if the kid who was hit/picked on wasn't a friend, she'd feel bad and take on that hurt and say she was hit. She still does this

This sounds like a great idea and will probably use it when she starts daycare soon.

littlestjerry · June 2014

When I picked him up, he was in a really good mood. On the way out, we stopped at the front desk and the person I talked to earlier said she talked to his teacher again and the teacher said he will cry no more than ten minutes but forgets about it once everyone is there and they start their day. So, I'm going to give it a week and see how he does with his old friends in his room. Im realllly hoping he will be happy to have those kids back with him. Thanks for asking!

Eta: his regular teachers were already gone for the day

LadyXaverian · June 2014

DD goes through this from time to time, usually after vacation. It took a good month to get her to stop crying at drop off after Christmas holidays. DCP assured us that she stopped crying pretty much as soon as we were out of sight, but it still sucked.

I hope the change of students in his class makes a difference for him.

littlestjerry · June 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:

@littlejerry I hope so too, maybe he's saying he doesn't want to see his friends because people are calling his new classmates his friends/he understands the term friends to mean daycare classmates, and he's trying to express that the kids in his new group are not his friends? Does that make sense? Also ^ what pp said about empathy developing and being hurt by seeing other children hit is really, really common. Whatever is really happening, it's important that the adult validate his fears and express to him that they will protect him. It wouldn't take much for his teachers to say "I know you're worried about X hitting you, I promise I'm going to be watching to make sure nobody hurts your body, okay?" It's perfectly normal and appropriate to be really emotional when you're bringing up these concerns with his teachers. They are well aware that you're trusting them with the most important job you could ever give someone, and they need to view themselves as an extension of your family and vice versa. That's the feeling you should have at daycare. I'm hoping you'll have a great update to share in a week or so!

Thanks for this. All of it!

RondackHiker · June 2014

I want @tyrannosauruslex to move close to me and take care of my kids. And give me all her wisdom.

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