Still sensitive to others pregnancy?

absolutelymaybe · June 2014

I'm pregnant! I'm having twins for God's sake! So why do I still feel a little sense of resentment when I see a pregnancy or a birth announced?

For example, last night on FB someone I went to school with checked in at a hospital and said "Havin' a baby!" Normally I have his posts hidden because he's one of those people who regularly spams my feed with oversimplified or just plain false "political" reposts (usually about guns and 'Bama takin' 'em), but somehow this got through. I think this is like #5 for him and his wife and I'm just like, "Really!? Why is it so easy for some people?"

Does anyone else still experience this?

Mrs.McIrish · June 2014

Yes! I think I always will though. I think it is why I am totally awkward about my own pregnancy --bc it was sooooo hard for us and most people never give it a second thought. I had someone ask me the other day if these babies were planned---what on earth do I say to that?? Like I could just have a roll in the hay baby?? Lol.

happygirl1013 · June 2014

I have a similar situation- my best friend got married last summer and is pregnant (3 months ahead of me). I don't even like to talk about pregnancy with her because she always talks like she's an expert, and although she does have insights because she is further along than me, I keep thinking to myself, "You got pregnant in a sneeze and I tried for years, what can you know!". It's so weird and not a very nice thing of me to think or feel, but it's real.

liz4paws · June 2014

Sometimes, but I'm surprised how much my sensitivity to other's pregnancies has decreased. The thing that still hits me hard is when others complain about their pregnancy or make comments that are clear they take it for granted. I feel the sting especially if I hear the comments made in front of others who may or may not be silently suffering. I also personally feel a little sting when people comment about how much their baby looks like the mom or dad. Since we used donor embryos we know our baby won't look like either one of us which is totally okay. It's not their fault and it's not like I'm resentful toward them. It's my own personal issue. Just once and a while it stings a little if it catches me on the wrong day.

ccam · June 2014

I think I'll always have some of those feelings even when my family is complete. The feelings have changed / lessened since having DS and getting pregnant with #2, but they're still there.

Mrs.McIrish · June 2014

liz4paws said:

Sometimes, but I'm surprised how much my sensitivity to other's pregnancies has decreased. The thing that still hits me hard is when others complain about their pregnancy or make comments that are clear they take it for granted. I feel the sting especially if I hear the comments made in front of others who may or may not be silently suffering. I also personally feel a little sting when people comment about how much their baby looks like the mom or dad. Since we used donor embryos we know our baby won't look like either one of us which is totally okay. It's not their fault and it's not like I'm resentful toward them. It's my own personal issue. Just once and a while it stings a little if it catches me on the wrong day.

Yes, I am always wondering who is silently suffering too when they hear my news and I always feel like I am quick to volunteer that it took 8 IVFs for us (I don't volunteer the DE aspect at this point to most) bc I want whoever is silently suffering to feel a little better that I am one of them...

GettinCrafty · June 2014

Mrs.McIrish said:

liz4paws said:

Sometimes, but I'm surprised how much my sensitivity to other's pregnancies has decreased. The thing that still hits me hard is when others complain about their pregnancy or make comments that are clear they take it for granted. I feel the sting especially if I hear the comments made in front of others who may or may not be silently suffering. I also personally feel a little sting when people comment about how much their baby looks like the mom or dad. Since we used donor embryos we know our baby won't look like either one of us which is totally okay. It's not their fault and it's not like I'm resentful toward them. It's my own personal issue. Just once and a while it stings a little if it catches me on the wrong day.

Yes, I am always wondering who is silently suffering too when they hear my news and I always feel like I am quick to volunteer that it took 8 IVFs for us (I don't volunteer the DE aspect at this point to most) bc I want whoever is silently suffering to feel a little better that I am one of them...

Yes, this. Me too. 100%!

brittneyandadam · June 2014

calindi said:

I try to tell anyone who I tell that I'm pregnant that this was long fought for. I don't want anyone who is suffering in fertility when I tell them my news to miss the opportunity to hear that I feel their pain. The hardest thing for me recently that I would've expected to be easier now was the "how long did it take you?" thread on my month board. It's stupid, because we're all expecting babies in the same month, but it made me feel so resentful and envious of those who had it so much easier than we did. Especially those who are on baby number two, because if all had gone according to plans that would've been us right now.

This. I love the ladies on S14, but I was feeling serious resentment toward the moms who got pregnant the second they thought about it. A big part of it for me was the way it was worded and how "carefree" it seemed to be for them. The ones that posted that they "weren't not trying" and "whatever happens, happens" really got to me.

I'm also trying to be super cautious on social media. I think besides our pregnancy announcement, I've posted maybe twice about being pregnant. I know two other ladies who are also pregnant...and it ticks me off when they post copious amounts of bump photos or nursery photos. I've had people ask why I haven't done more and I just say it's not my thing. But, in reality, I don't want to be the cause of someone's pain. I know how hard it is to see that kind of thing...even among friends...and it would break my heart knowing that one of my posts would bring up all those crappy feelings.

I haven't found the right time to come out about our IF journey...I really want to, for reasons above, but I don't want to sound like an AW about it. I do know that it can make things awkward for people because when it gets brought up in conversation, people just get really quiet and don't know what to say.

GettinCrafty · June 2014

In addition to not wanting to cause anyone suffering IF any pain via my pregnancy, I'm also aware of the fact that many who knew of our struggles see the success we finally had and now believe that's the norm. That success is inevitable. That they "knew" it would happen. That people should never lose hope. I fear they'll spew that nonsense and share our story to the next person they meet struggling with IF.

Without being too intense, I do try to reiterate that we've been incredibly lucky, and that there are so many others living childfree not by choice after not finding success via treatments or adoption -- or even being able to pursue IF treatments or adoption in the first place. There are no guarantees. Ugh.

Lady2010 · June 2014

I think it is totally normal and I completely feel the same. The week we found out our FET was successful, we found out a very close friend of mine is expecting #2 in early Dec (their daughter will be 2 at the end of Dec). She got married 6 mos before me. And while I am happy for her, it still makes me a little sad / frustrated that it took us so long to get to our first. (she knows what we have been going through but doesn't know about us yet as it is early)

We are waiting until week 10 to tell parents (ideally would wait until after 1st tri but we are seeing DH's parents at week 10 and after that we don't have plans to see family till Aug/Sept when I would be 17 - 20 weeks. Only 1 friend knows (my best friend was visiting last week - she has 2 boys - and I just couldn't hide it since I kept checking if I could eat certain foods).

We don't plan to announce on FB really - at some point it may become obvious - if there is a vacation photo and I am clearly showing or something. But that is it. I have had a hard time seeing announcements, bump photos and the like that I don't want unknowingly make one of my friends feel the way I have felt.

TXUltraRunner · June 2014

calindi I too have had the same emotions as you on the J15 board in regards to how long it takes people.

I can relate to everyone on this thread about still feeling the twinges of resentment every time someone I know gets pregnant easily. I have a really close friend who knows everything I've been through. She's single and has no children and she's been a great ear when I need one. However, one of her friends according to her had "trouble getting pregnant" and recently had a miscarriage. My friend was very upset for her other friend as many people I guess would be but when I questioned her about the pregnancy and found out it only took her friend 3 months of trying to get pregnant I was far from sympathetic. The feelings I had toward this persons miscarriage made me hate myself. I felt like the girl was pretty lucky to get pregnant after 3 tries and while a loss was sad, I felt like she's got way better of a chance than DH and I had and I took my friend's sympathy for another friend as not being considerate of my own struggles. I feel so insane about these feelings. Infertility really messes with every fiber of your psyche. It makes me feel like such a horrid person sometimes.

lincoln79 · June 2014

I was just feeling this way yesterday at the OB office. I will always grieve not being able to experience a full pregnancy with our child. I know that I am at peace with our decision, but it doesn't mean I haven't lost things.

One thing IF has taught me is that it is completely possible to feel two opposite feelings simultaneously.

Saintelizabeth · June 2014

I’m still uncomfortable around other pregnant women or babies. I’m ok with my niece, my godson, close friends who have small kids that I've been around a couple times. But last week a coworker brought her 4 week old into the office and when I realized she was here showing off the baby I immediately put my headphones on and buried my face in my work. I didn't want to see the baby or hear people talking about the baby. I thought these feelings would have subsided a little, but I still have that IF mentality.

I also feel like my family isn’t keen about the fact that I don’t want to talk about the pregnancy at all. I think they feel like I should have shaken off my hesitation the minute I got my BFP. My mom keeps telling me to “be happy, this is what I’ve fought for” I remind her that nothing is guaranteed till I have a baby in my arms. I’m happy, but cautious. She and the rest of my family don’t get it.

OutdoorGirl10 · June 2014

I still feel it too when the person announcing makes some specific reference that it happened quick or wasn't planned or whatever. But it has subsided when people don't make that reference - it's like I check myself and think maybe it took them a long time too and they just didn't feel like sharing that.

And like the PP, some comments still sting and some people just don't get why I'm not jumping and down with joy and all crazy with baby stuff. I am, it's just been a struggle and emotionally very up and down and some people will never understand that.

xc1148 · June 2014

Kind of, glad I'm not the only one. My coworker asked if it was planned, so i told her it was planned for three years lol. Now that I have a BFP, I'm very open about our struggles so people understand that IF affects a lot of people.

Deardra77 · June 2014

For sure, it's hard to hear how blasé some people are about getting pregnant. We are done after this pregnancy (#2) but it still hurts to think of all that was lost by going through this journey versus just having sex and what da ya know, pregnant!
kills me to hear women complying about pregnancy after getting pregnant with no effort, I want to tell them how incrediably lucky they are and how many women there are that would give anything to be in their shoes

edited to add, the whole is it planned question. Got asked this by our FIL, he knows we are infertile, it's like how in the fuck would we have gotten pregnant unplanned?!?!? Even standard IVF can't work for us, has to be ISCI. Unplanned pregnancy, p-luease!!!

brittneyandadam · June 2014

@saintelizabeth I totally get being cautious! My mom keeps bugging me about getting the nursery done...and deep down, I'm so scared of jinxing the pregnancy. Like, as soon as we paint it and get it ready, something will happen. IF brain is the pits and I don't think a lot of people understand the emotional and psychological toll it takes

formerwigirl · June 2014

I have to agree with many of the PP. When they posted a threat on S14 about how long it took you to get pregnant, it was tough to read. Plus in my neighborhood we have a lot of people our age. Well 5 had babies in the last year and currently 3 of us are pregnant. Of the 3 of us pregnant, I was the only one who struggled. The two of them got pregnant their first month of trying. I am happy that my LO will have playmates but it still hurts. Plus we found out my BIL and SIL are expecting #2 just a month after us. It made me say "well at least they didn't lap us." I also get the whole you are pregnant and you should be enjoying this, but I am still a bit worried something may happen. I try not to focus on it but its there. I feel bad too because I know in the IF world we didn't struggle for that long compared to others. We were at petsmart the other day and the girl who was at checkout asked me how far along I was. I told her and she said oh yeah im 13 weeks. So we chatted pregnancy until she said yeah its been hard, we can't even afford food. It became awkward and I said well there is help out there. We all have our own problems, we struggled to get here.

My hope is that as time goes on and once LO gets here that time will help me deal.

TXUltraRunner · June 2014

calindi I hope you responded with a correction. I probably would have said "if stress prevented pregnancy, no one undergoing fertility treatments would ever get pregnant. Nor would anyone with a stressful job"

absolutelymaybe · June 2014

brittneyandadam said:

calindi said:

I try to tell anyone who I tell that I'm pregnant that this was long fought for. I don't want anyone who is suffering in fertility when I tell them my news to miss the opportunity to hear that I feel their pain. The hardest thing for me recently that I would've expected to be easier now was the "how long did it take you?" thread on my month board. It's stupid, because we're all expecting babies in the same month, but it made me feel so resentful and envious of those who had it so much easier than we did. Especially those who are on baby number two, because if all had gone according to plans that would've been us right now.

This. I love the ladies on S14, but I was feeling serious resentment toward the moms who got pregnant the second they thought about it. A big part of it for me was the way it was worded and how "carefree" it seemed to be for them. The ones that posted that they "weren't not trying" and "whatever happens, happens" really got to me.
I'm also trying to be super cautious on social media. I think besides our pregnancy announcement, I've posted maybe twice about being pregnant. I know two other ladies who are also pregnant...and it ticks me off when they post copious amounts of bump photos or nursery photos. I've had people ask why I haven't done more and I just say it's not my thing. But, in reality, I don't want to be the cause of someone's pain. I know how hard it is to see that kind of thing...even among friends...and it would break my heart knowing that one of my posts would bring up all those crappy feelings.
I haven't found the right time to come out about our IF journey...I really want to, for reasons above, but I don't want to sound like an AW about it. I do know that it can make things awkward for people because when it gets brought up in conversation, people just get really quiet and don't know what to say.

Yes, this topic recently came up my BMB and, honestly, it was just kind of surreal reading how other people got pregnant "on the first try" or by accident. I wasn't so much as resentful, but just in disbelief that stuff like that even happens because of what we've been through and the fact that I've surrounded myself with others who have been through similar struggles (for example, this board). It just seems so surreal and a complete opposite to our experiences.

But it was a good opportunity for me to share my story and that kind of made me feel better -- that at least I am able to get the word out about infertility and make it known that it's not that easy for everyone.

calindi said:

The IF rage showed today when my dentist, upon hearing I am pregnant and asking if it's our first, I replied, "Yes, and long fought for. It took nearly 2 years and a doctor's help." He then said, "Oh yeah, my wife and I had trouble. We tried a few months with egg whites and sperm in a turkey baster before we went to IVF. We took a few months off before IVF and got pregnant. The doctor says it happens all the time because stress prevented pregnancy." It made me seriously consider getting another dentist. Egg whites?! And sure, waiting for IVF can happen, but chalking it up to stress?! I hate you.

I would wait until he didn't have any sharp objects in my mouth and then punch him in the throat. Seriously!? You'd think someone who is educated enough to become a dentist would know better. Argh! Some people.

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