So confused, making the right choice. 21 week miscarriage.

mellovesado · June 2014

I am 21 weeks pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. I went for a routine check up this week and the hospital told me they couldn't find her heart beat. I am so heartbroken, I can't eat, sleep or think straight. I went for another scan just hoping a praying that they were wrong, but sadly she has passed. It doesn't feel real, I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare and I just want someone to wake me up already. I went to talk to the doctor today, to tell me my options. I have decided to wait for labour to come on naturally, I don't know if this is the right choice. I don't want to be induced knowing that I could be waiting at the hospital for days on the labour ward with all the other mums having their beautiful healthy babies, when I know mine will never take her first breath. I have had 4 other pregnancy, I have 3 amazing happy healthy kids and I lost twins at 31 weeks in 2011. I have had c-section with all 4 pregnancy and have no idea what labour feels like, I'm scared and don't know what to expect. This time last week I was the happiest I had ever been, it took me nearly 3 years to know what true happiness felt like again after I lost the twins. I suffered server depression, anxiety and even attempted suicide. I had a gorgeous little girl in 2013, my pregnancy with her was very complicated and I found that I couldn't get excited about the pregnancy cause I was so scared of losing her after the twins. When I fell pregnant this time I was so excited, I was picturing our future, I was enjoying getting fat, I felt like I had so much to look forward to. I now feel like my world has been turned upside down again, i have so much heart ache in front of me, delivering the baby, making funeral arrangements. Feel like I'm back at square one, I have an amazing supportive partner,. Who I can't be thankful enough for. He supports all my decisions as he just wants me to be happy but I think he wishes that I chose to be induced. Any advice would be great

RIP my beautiful angel Ellie xxx

kimmyberly26 · June 2014

I am so sorry for your loss and my heart aches for you. I don't have any experience with this late of a loss but wanted to offer you support and hugs.

Do what you feel is right in your heart. Either way, it is going to be difficult to go through and either decision will be heartbreaking.

Again, huge hugs and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

km_md · June 2014

I don't have any advice I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope that you come to a decision you can find peace with.

BootsOrHearts · June 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Ellie. I had a loss at 18 weeks, same thing, just one day no heartbeat. I had to be induced to deliver him. When you do go into labor, I strongly suggest taking whatever pain meds they give you including the epidural. Labor sucks and when there's only heartache on the other side, it's not worth putting yourself through the pain.

I know it's hard to see through the heartache right now but you will get through this. I'm glad you decided to name your little girl, she will be in your heart forever even though she can't be in your arms. She knows she was loved even though she was only with you for a short time.

Please PM me if you want to talk more with someone who has been through something similar, and I'm sure @encchanted would be happy to do the same.

BootsOrHearts · June 2014

I also wanted to suggest checking out the Loss board, it was very helpful for me when I was going through my loss and shortly after.

Mom2anAngel2 · June 2014

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of you sweet Ellie. I lost my first son at 19 weeks. We found out he had passed during our A/S. I was induced the next day. My hospital was kind enough to put me very far away from the othe mothers, so that I did not have to hear them laboring or babies crying. They also posted a picture of a rise on the door, which is the hospitals signal to all employees that a loss mother was in the room.

The entire process took about 18 hours for me. I did have an epidural, not because the pain was that bad, but my doctor suggested it. He did start piticin and felt that it would be easier to deal with the discomfort and emotional distress after having an epi, I think it helped. We were able to hold our son afterward. They were also kind enough to take pictures for us, as we were to distraught to remember a camera.

Funeral arrangements were grueling, but it is still nice to have a place to go and visit our son.

My only advise is to do whatever you feel you need to do. Take time if you need it.

((HUGS)). Again, I am so sorry you are going through this.

BootsOrHearts · June 2014

@mom2anangel2

Thank you, you reminded me of a few pieces of advice: Do take pictures, even if you don't think you will ever want to look at them, you may in the future and you may regret not doing so. Same for footprints.

They will also ask if you want an autopsy done and if you do, ask them if there will be remains you can take home. In our case, it meant there was nothing we could take home and in retrospect I regret agreeing to do the autopsy. We already had chromosomal results and knew Harrison was chromosomally normal and I had had a normal pregnancy up to that point. When we saw him, we could tell he looked physically normal and no surprise, the results of the autopsy came back as 'unknown/inconclusive' which was really disappointing. I wish I had skipped that and been able to take my baby home and have him cremated or put him in the church cemetery.

Sorry to bring up such morbid topics, just things you may want to think about.

daisy19782011 · June 2014

I am so so sorry for your losses, and I know your shock and pain. I just want you to know that you are not alone and I will be thinking about you. Whatever decision you make for the delivery is the right one. My heart breaks for you.

salsa_wifey · June 2014

I am soo sorry for your losses. I recently lost my baby boy at 16 weeks. It was a regular u/s appt and they discovered his heart was no longer beating. I didn't have to endure labor (D&C) but for me I wanted it over as soon as possible - before the shock wore off. I told them I wanted all testing done but in the end, the results were all normal and there was no reason why my baby boy died.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl, Ellie. Take all the time you need and do what you feel is right for you. (((Hugs)))

docamy2011 · June 2014

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through! My heart aches for you!! I don't have any advice for a later term loss but I know with my mmc I wanted it over as soon as possible and opted for a D&C instead of waiting for everything to pass naturally. And I agree with what PP said about getting the epidural. You are in enough emotional pain as it is, the epi will help prevent any physical pain. Again I'm so sorry! *huge hugs*

a&aw12707 · June 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a loss at 17 weeks, so a little earlier, and I had to be induced. I will echo the others by recommending taking any and all pain meds they offer. They can't ease the emotional pain, but they can make sure there's no physical pain on top of it. Also, take pictures even if you don't want them right now. We only got the ones from the hospital photographer of him by himself, and I hate them.

There are none of us holding him, and I regret that all the time. Another thing, spend as much time with your sweet girl as you can. Huge hugs to you in this terribly hard time.

KJsbabe · June 2014

I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet little Ellie. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible with your labor and delivery.

Olismom · June 2014

I am so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through. We found out our baby didn't have a heart beat at 20 weeks, it will be a month since he passed this Saturday so this is all pretty fresh for me. I have a 4 year old and had a c section with him they told me I would have to deliver this baby though. Like you I was scared out of my mind no idea what to expect and felt it was cruel to have to go through labor. Now that I'm on the other side I can say it was the right decision surgery is too risky that early in the pregnancy and the recovery was much easier which helped with my emotional recovery as well. I was induced and I was really mad at the time because they told me it could take 3 days for me it took less than 24 hours my doctor told me they have to say that because it "could" last that long but it usually doesn't. I would say induce as far as my experience im.glad now that I did. However I think that these situations are unique and it's ultimately whatever you feel is right. As far as the labor they had me wait till the baby easy far down the birth canal so that I didn't really have to push. I pushed once I guess if you can call it that but it didn't feel like I was doing anything. I would also say take the pain med and get an epidural when you can. I waited till I started dilating to get mine since I didn't know how long it would take to get to that point.

meli1025 · June 2014

I am so, so sorry for your loss of baby Ellie. I was induced at 19 weeks and it took 26 hours to deliver my sleeping baby girl. I had never experienced labor before either, as my living son was delivered via c-section. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, it is so unfair for you to be going through another devastating loss. I know you want to go into labor naturally, but my doctor explained some risks to me in doing that which could've harmed me, so I chose to induce. I know it's hard and it sucks that you are even faced with this decision. In the end, I was glad I chose to induce right away because it gave us a chance to begin the grief process and start healing. As you know, you will never get over it but in time you learn how to live with it. So many ((hugs)).

rlajambe · June 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I experienced a loss at 21 weeks from incompetent cervix. I was given the same choices, as I was dilated too much and an emergency cerclage was not an option. I elected for induction. Labour took about 6 hours and was not nearly as painful (physically) as I thought it would be.

As for delivery in L&D, ask if there is any alternate space where you could deliver in private. My doctor arranged for a room on another floor in the women's hospital.

I know that's a horrible choice to have to make. Do whatever make you feel comfortable. Big {{hugs}}.

ellebelle2384 · June 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. Keeping you in my T&Ps.

goldengirl84 · June 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss. I said prayers for peace for you tonight and I will continue. It is so unfair that you and all these other wonderful ladies have had to go through this.

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