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July 2012 Moms
snickersforeveryone
member
Brother stuff
snickersforeveryone
member
I'm sure you all are tired of hearing about this, but I don't have anyone else to really turn to. I'm so upset and just need to get this out.
I think I last told you guys about my brother being in jail. His lawyer was able to get him out after a few days. He is living with my parents and has to follow court ordered sanctions (for example, no access to weapons, so I have a couple of his and all of my dad's).
He stopped taking his medication and is spiraling back down into paranoia and fits of agitation. I found out from mom that of all the people he distrusts, I'm highest on the list. He seems to think that I'm conspiring with my best friend (the girl he cheated on his wife with) to bring his life down. Mom thought I should be around him more to help him see that I support him and am not part of some weird conspiracy. I didn't know any other way to show him I love him and would never hurt him, so that made sense to me.
On Memorial Day, we were all supposed to get together at my mom's. I took the kids by myself because DH had to work. I got there and could immediately tell that my brother was agitated. I've seen him on edge before and just tried to give him space.
He was pretty harsh with me a few times and even spoke somewhat abruptly to Emily twice, telling her to come to me when I called her. Em wasn't upset so I let it slide. Then I heard him in the kitchen basically bullying my mom, trying to get her to buy him cigarettes and give him money. He insinuated that he would be nicer to everyone if she did. She told him that she didn't want to feel like she had to buy him cigarettes for him to be nice to her. He kept after her, talking to her like she was less than dirt. Finally it got to the point where I felt like I should at least go in there...maybe a reminder that others were around would make him stop.
When I went in, he gave me a half hug and told me he was in a bad mood and not to take anything personally. I told him I loved him but he was being mean to mom.
He went off. I've never seen him like that. The things he said were so hurtful and so offensive. At one point he advanced on me like he was going to hit me, but his eyes flicked down to where I was holding Nicky and he stopped. He settled for more yelling. When I started to cry, he called me his wife's name in a derogatory way, and basically accused me of trying to manipulate him with my tears. I pointed out to him that I have never been like that, but he didn't seem to care. He refused to stop yelling even when I told him I wasn't going to continue the conversation because it was upsetting the kids. He told me to put down Nicky and come outside, like how a guy will call out another guy for a fight.
It was horrible. I packed up my kids and came home, with him yelling at me from the porch. He hinted that if I left, there would be no reconciliation between us. But I couldn't keep exposing my kids to that.
I've pretty much been crying off and on ever since then. I know I've vented about him, I know he's made a lot of big mistakes, but when you get down to it, he's my brother. We grew up as best friends. We always looked out for each other and had a bond so strong that people thought we were twins. I feel betrayed that he would treat me that way, that he would think so little of me, and would expose my kids to that kind of venom. I'm sad that he doesn't seem to care enough to call or email. I feel like I shouldn't be so upset because I know he is ill. Mostly I just feel this awful deep sense of loss.
I talked to my parents and my husband and decided that my kids won't be spending any time there without me. And I won't be going over there when he's there. It kills me to say that, but I just don't think it's a good idea for me to be around him. It seems to agitate him more.
Anyway, if you read all that, I'm amazed. If you have any advice, I welcome it. I want to help him but I have to protect my family.
I think I last told you guys about my brother being in jail. His lawyer was able to get him out after a few days. He is living with my parents and has to follow court ordered sanctions (for example, no access to weapons, so I have a couple of his and all of my dad's).
He stopped taking his medication and is spiraling back down into paranoia and fits of agitation. I found out from mom that of all the people he distrusts, I'm highest on the list. He seems to think that I'm conspiring with my best friend (the girl he cheated on his wife with) to bring his life down. Mom thought I should be around him more to help him see that I support him and am not part of some weird conspiracy. I didn't know any other way to show him I love him and would never hurt him, so that made sense to me.
On Memorial Day, we were all supposed to get together at my mom's. I took the kids by myself because DH had to work. I got there and could immediately tell that my brother was agitated. I've seen him on edge before and just tried to give him space.
He was pretty harsh with me a few times and even spoke somewhat abruptly to Emily twice, telling her to come to me when I called her. Em wasn't upset so I let it slide. Then I heard him in the kitchen basically bullying my mom, trying to get her to buy him cigarettes and give him money. He insinuated that he would be nicer to everyone if she did. She told him that she didn't want to feel like she had to buy him cigarettes for him to be nice to her. He kept after her, talking to her like she was less than dirt. Finally it got to the point where I felt like I should at least go in there...maybe a reminder that others were around would make him stop.
When I went in, he gave me a half hug and told me he was in a bad mood and not to take anything personally. I told him I loved him but he was being mean to mom.
He went off. I've never seen him like that. The things he said were so hurtful and so offensive. At one point he advanced on me like he was going to hit me, but his eyes flicked down to where I was holding Nicky and he stopped. He settled for more yelling. When I started to cry, he called me his wife's name in a derogatory way, and basically accused me of trying to manipulate him with my tears. I pointed out to him that I have never been like that, but he didn't seem to care. He refused to stop yelling even when I told him I wasn't going to continue the conversation because it was upsetting the kids. He told me to put down Nicky and come outside, like how a guy will call out another guy for a fight.
It was horrible. I packed up my kids and came home, with him yelling at me from the porch. He hinted that if I left, there would be no reconciliation between us. But I couldn't keep exposing my kids to that.
I've pretty much been crying off and on ever since then. I know I've vented about him, I know he's made a lot of big mistakes, but when you get down to it, he's my brother. We grew up as best friends. We always looked out for each other and had a bond so strong that people thought we were twins. I feel betrayed that he would treat me that way, that he would think so little of me, and would expose my kids to that kind of venom. I'm sad that he doesn't seem to care enough to call or email. I feel like I shouldn't be so upset because I know he is ill. Mostly I just feel this awful deep sense of loss.
I talked to my parents and my husband and decided that my kids won't be spending any time there without me. And I won't be going over there when he's there. It kills me to say that, but I just don't think it's a good idea for me to be around him. It seems to agitate him more.
Anyway, if you read all that, I'm amazed. If you have any advice, I welcome it. I want to help him but I have to protect my family.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Brother stuff
You're right, you need to protect your family so I think it's a good idea for your kids not to spend any time there without you right now.
If your brother has been off his meds then he isn't in his right mind. I went through similar situations with my ex. It's so hard and so hurtful I know
Is he getting help? Do you think he'll start taking his meds again?
Maybe your mom needs to talk to his lawyer. If they could get the court to order him to take his meds and get counseling it would help.
My own DH has ptsd so I understand how frustrating it can be.