TTC After a Loss
anitaflora
member
(updated) AW: Update - Egg Retrieval Sun...then the end of the very, very long road.
anitaflora
member
(living child mentioned briefly for background/context)
__________________
Hi ladies,
Just wanted to post a quick update.
I'm having a really hard time right now so please forgive me for the brevity here.
Sunday we're going in for Egg Retrieval. This is our second round of IVF, for those that are mobile. And, my heart is breaking, I hate bringing myself to write this... I don't want to.... I am resisting with every ounce of my being.
But this is going to be our end. This is it. One way or the other we are going to be done our journey. Either we will be blessed with another child. Or we will be a one child family.
My husband does not want to continue trying. He is unable to support our trying. I hesitate to know what to write here, because I don't want to sound like I'm putting any blame upon him. But we are definitely not on the same page. With this last cycle he kept going back and forth about what he said to me. We basically continued this past cycle because his words were, "No, I don't think this is a good idea. But I'm not going to be the one to tell you no."
And the entire cycle his feedback has just been over and over that it's my decision and my decision alone. When I told him I was going to be done the injections this morning and things were looking good, he was completely apathetic. I asked him if he was happy at all and he said that no, he wasn't. He couldn't even muster any happiness for me that I was done injecting myself.
So I have been alternating between crying all morning and trying to get on with my daily life and routine.
He said that of course he would be happy if this cycle worked, but he is not looking forward to the stress of having another child. When he started to talk about how he's 40 now and how he doesn't want to deal with an infant and all their needs... I just had to walk away. I just couldn't listen to him talk about that again. But again, he feels as though he is just accepting that this is what we're doing. Because it's our last chance to have another child at all. There are no other options in front of us.
So I can't in good conscience go forward with another cycle. We can't continue to try any more.
I am completely heartbroken beyond words that I can find.
I'm sure all the hormones aren't helping anything.
But the thing that is so bothersome as well is that it's not that he doesn't want to be a father again because of any other reason than 1) he's worried about how we're going to "make ends meet" (when frankly, while yes, we are in a very tight position at the moment, it won't last forever, and I do not agree that we are in that bad a position - he has much more desire for material things and wealth than I do so this is a major rift between us) and 2) he doesn't want to relive the "newborn" phase - which yes, of course it's tough, but it's all worth it. And it's a temporary phase.
So to me, while I completely understand and respect his feelings.... and that is what I have to do to be fair to any possible future child... to me... I just think that truthfully, if we were to have another child, we would be able to work things out financially and that deep down he would love being a father again and love having a sibling for our son. I think he's just scared. And I hate that if this cycle doesn't work we're going to be leaving our last chance (our insurance would cover one more IVF cycle) on the table because he's scared.
But I think we have to. I can't go on without his support. I can't do it again. It's not fair to him or me or anyone.
I'm sorry for the lengthy post, ladies.... and thank you so much to anyone who's taken the time to read it.
I love you all. I don't know what else to say. Other than thank you, thank you, thank you again for all the support you all have shown me for so very long. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.
But it will be soon.
UPDATE:
First of all, thank you so much for all your kind words and support about all of this. I did make a call Friday afternoon to someone I found who I think would be a good counselor to start seeing. But her message said she was out and not able to get messages until after 6/3, so I will call back then. I'm not sure how it's going to work with how they charge for marriage counseling if we were both to go, because I've met my out of pocket maximum under the plan now (several times over now!), but my husband has not. So I don't know how they charge it. My hope is that we can do marriage counseling together and somehow it would be just charged to me. I need to find out. But first steps underway to try to do so.
We had started seeing someone a good while back but only had about three appointments and felt they weren't quite what we needed. I'm hoping this new insurance allows us - or at least me - to see someone better. I agree that I do think it's pretty important right now to help us through this.
As for the retrieval - (XP from the awesomely nice and kind @snegde thread - thank you again @snegde!)
They got 7 - so that's good! At first the surgeon told me that he didn't expect to get that many since my estrogen level was quite a bit lower than the last cycle. He said it was over 2,000 last time when they got 7 but this time my estrogen was only around 1,200. So I was completely bummed going into it. And I think that's left me with this lingering feeling of dread. Maybe the lower estrogen means there won't even be as many mature? I'm not sure. But I'm very, VERY relieved that he was wrong and that they did get the same amount as last time.
Now I wait for the fert report tomorrow to find out how many were mature and fertilized and how they're looking.
Thank you so, so much again, ladies.
__________________
Hi ladies,
Just wanted to post a quick update.
I'm having a really hard time right now so please forgive me for the brevity here.
Sunday we're going in for Egg Retrieval. This is our second round of IVF, for those that are mobile. And, my heart is breaking, I hate bringing myself to write this... I don't want to.... I am resisting with every ounce of my being.
But this is going to be our end. This is it. One way or the other we are going to be done our journey. Either we will be blessed with another child. Or we will be a one child family.
My husband does not want to continue trying. He is unable to support our trying. I hesitate to know what to write here, because I don't want to sound like I'm putting any blame upon him. But we are definitely not on the same page. With this last cycle he kept going back and forth about what he said to me. We basically continued this past cycle because his words were, "No, I don't think this is a good idea. But I'm not going to be the one to tell you no."
And the entire cycle his feedback has just been over and over that it's my decision and my decision alone. When I told him I was going to be done the injections this morning and things were looking good, he was completely apathetic. I asked him if he was happy at all and he said that no, he wasn't. He couldn't even muster any happiness for me that I was done injecting myself.
So I have been alternating between crying all morning and trying to get on with my daily life and routine.
He said that of course he would be happy if this cycle worked, but he is not looking forward to the stress of having another child. When he started to talk about how he's 40 now and how he doesn't want to deal with an infant and all their needs... I just had to walk away. I just couldn't listen to him talk about that again. But again, he feels as though he is just accepting that this is what we're doing. Because it's our last chance to have another child at all. There are no other options in front of us.
So I can't in good conscience go forward with another cycle. We can't continue to try any more.
I am completely heartbroken beyond words that I can find.
I'm sure all the hormones aren't helping anything.
But the thing that is so bothersome as well is that it's not that he doesn't want to be a father again because of any other reason than 1) he's worried about how we're going to "make ends meet" (when frankly, while yes, we are in a very tight position at the moment, it won't last forever, and I do not agree that we are in that bad a position - he has much more desire for material things and wealth than I do so this is a major rift between us) and 2) he doesn't want to relive the "newborn" phase - which yes, of course it's tough, but it's all worth it. And it's a temporary phase.
So to me, while I completely understand and respect his feelings.... and that is what I have to do to be fair to any possible future child... to me... I just think that truthfully, if we were to have another child, we would be able to work things out financially and that deep down he would love being a father again and love having a sibling for our son. I think he's just scared. And I hate that if this cycle doesn't work we're going to be leaving our last chance (our insurance would cover one more IVF cycle) on the table because he's scared.
But I think we have to. I can't go on without his support. I can't do it again. It's not fair to him or me or anyone.
I'm sorry for the lengthy post, ladies.... and thank you so much to anyone who's taken the time to read it.
I love you all. I don't know what else to say. Other than thank you, thank you, thank you again for all the support you all have shown me for so very long. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.
But it will be soon.
UPDATE:
First of all, thank you so much for all your kind words and support about all of this. I did make a call Friday afternoon to someone I found who I think would be a good counselor to start seeing. But her message said she was out and not able to get messages until after 6/3, so I will call back then. I'm not sure how it's going to work with how they charge for marriage counseling if we were both to go, because I've met my out of pocket maximum under the plan now (several times over now!), but my husband has not. So I don't know how they charge it. My hope is that we can do marriage counseling together and somehow it would be just charged to me. I need to find out. But first steps underway to try to do so.
We had started seeing someone a good while back but only had about three appointments and felt they weren't quite what we needed. I'm hoping this new insurance allows us - or at least me - to see someone better. I agree that I do think it's pretty important right now to help us through this.
As for the retrieval - (XP from the awesomely nice and kind @snegde thread - thank you again @snegde!)
They got 7 - so that's good! At first the surgeon told me that he didn't expect to get that many since my estrogen level was quite a bit lower than the last cycle. He said it was over 2,000 last time when they got 7 but this time my estrogen was only around 1,200. So I was completely bummed going into it. And I think that's left me with this lingering feeling of dread. Maybe the lower estrogen means there won't even be as many mature? I'm not sure. But I'm very, VERY relieved that he was wrong and that they did get the same amount as last time.
Now I wait for the fert report tomorrow to find out how many were mature and fertilized and how they're looking.
Thank you so, so much again, ladies.
dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010
<dream 2> 12.2011
2.10.12 : 4 weeks
6.17.12 : 10 weeks
10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days
12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day
4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days
10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days
4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day
6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative
</dream 2>
AMA, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR
"all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream"
lyrics
lyrics
***All always welcome!!***
This discussion has been closed.
Re: (updated) AW: Update - Egg Retrieval Sun...then the end of the very, very long road.
My Blog
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**
PgAL welcome
Married 6/11/2011
Me & Hubby: 34
TTC journey started 12/2012
BFP #1 6/5/2013, MC confirmed 6/26/2013 @ 7 wks
BFP#2 8/25/2013 MC confirmed 10/16/2013 @ 12 wks (D&C 10/18)
Diagnosis: unexplained RPL, unexplained IF.
Also have hypothyroidism
Started TTC again 12/2013
IUI#1:Clomid CD 3-7, Trigger'ed CD 12. IUI CD 14. BFN
IUI #2:Letrozole CD 3 - 7, Follistim CD 9, Trigger CD 10, IUI CD12. BFN
Current plan: IVF with PGD. Antagonist - Vivelle Protocal. Stim start 12/1. ER 12/14.
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/502498
Anita, I am keeping you close to my heart and have absolutely everything crossed for you for this cycle. I am so sorry that you are on different pages and that you find yourself at a really difficult juncture. Sending so much love and (((hugs)))) your way.
BFP #1, 3/12, EDD 11/9/12, MMC 3/27/12, D&C 4/10/12
BFP #2: 11/16/12, EDD 7/25/13, MMC 12/5/12, D&C 12/6/12, Complete molar pregnancy confirmed 2/9/13, benched for 6 months until August 2013
IUI #1, 8/16/13 Femara + Menopur, 3 mature follicles, BFN
IUI #3, 10/8/13 Femara + Menopur, six mature follicles, BFN
BFP #3, 12/9/2013, while on treatment break, EDD: 8/22/2014 Please stick and grow, LO!
Additional Dx: hypothyroidism, TgAb positive & anti-TPO positive, POR/DOR (2/2013), and suspected endometriosis
******All AL always welcome******
My Ovulation Chart Fruit
I'm sorry that you and your husband are not on the same page regarding this and probably never will be. I agree that you can't go forward with another cycle without your husband being on the same page. Not only is it unfair to you to have to go through the stress of an IVF cycle unsupported, it is unfair to push him down a road he is unwilling to go down.
Whatever the outcome of this cycle, I agree with the above recommendation for counseling. My ex, after four years of TTC and countless unsuccessful IUIs, agreed to one cycle of IVF. One. When the doctor not only recommended cancelling that cycle when my follicles stalled but also told us that he thought he had a better protocol he could do, my ex refused. That cycle was it no matter what the doctor we were paying so much to recommended as the best course of action. I did good with not being bitter in the moment and working on accepting our CFNBC status. He, in the end, did not. And, 12 years later, I look back with a lot of regrets knowing that my ex effectively took away any chance I had of having a child and I let him.
TTC is hard on a marriage and IF is harder. You are not on the same page on this issue but you need to make sure you keep communicating with each other and that both of you are listening to what the other one is saying. Lots of ((((hugs)))) friend.
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
I'm so sorry you are finding yourself at this cross roads, and you have felt alone going through the protocol for your 2nd ivf.
I agree with @meladoriestar that couples counselling may be helpful for you both to navigate your feelings on this to move forward regardless of the outcome. This journey is so hard.
Keeping you in my T&P.
EDD 5/2/14, NMC 9/11/13
EDD 10/15/14, CP 2/8/14
IF Diagnosis: PCOS, MFI
Current Cycle: 5 mg Femara/1000mg Metformin + TI = BFP, EDD 4/23/15 Please be our RAINBOW
**ALL AL/IF Welcome**
My Chart
Oh sweet Anita, I can't imagine the stress you are going through right now. Not being on the same page with your H is heartbreaking. I think he's probably just overwhelmed. He might not be processing the end the same as you are. It's so difficult when you both don't have the same desires, I can see how that coudl cause a rift and a struggle to move forward. I'm so so sorry this is the end for you. I don't know what else to say. I just want to offer ((hugs)) and love. We are here if you need to vent more. You've been such a lovely part of this community and so supportive. You don't have to go if you aren't ready. No one is going to kick you out. If they try we will revolt! So much love to you and your family. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you!!
THE DARK SIDE IT IS
and GBCB
BFP 8/2/12 EDD 4/9/13 Addie was delivered 1/4/13 at 26 weeks due to Eclampsia
BFP 9/15/14 EDD 5/28/15 Please be our R A I N B O W take home baby BOY
~All AL always welcome~
You need some major positive energy right now so I hope you can find a great group of girls friends to go out with tonight. Surround yourself with love and positivity this weekend.
TTC #3 since June 2013
BFP #1 7/21/2013--EDD 3/30/14--D&C 9/24/13
BFP #2 1/28/14--MC 2/7/14
IUI #1 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
IUI #2 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
IUI #3 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
TTC since October 2012
BFP#1 1/11/13, EDD 9/19/13, M/C at 9wk6dy
BFP#2 11/12/13, DS born 7/28/14!
Chart
Everyone is welcome
8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)
-5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)
11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13
8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF
IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties
12/19/14- FET of 2 embabies = BFP!!! One Little Bean EDD: 9/3/15
Everyone Welcome.
Dx: PCOS/Unexplained
July '13 - Mar '14 - Letrozole and TI - BFN
April '14 - HSG - All clear - Letrozole, Trigger and IUI - BFP
May '14 - Miscarriage 5w 3d
July '14 - Letrozole, Trigger and IUI - BFN
Aug '14 - Letrozole, Trigger and IUI - BFN
Sept '14 - Letrozole, Trigger and IUI - BFP
Beta 1 - 87 Beta 2 - 193 Beta 3 - 441
SA - All good
ALL Welcome
***BFP 1-22-13, baby boy dx with Trisomy 13 at 15 weeks.
We let him go to Heaven on 4-27-13 at 17 weeks 1 day***
I pray that your ER and ET go well and the miracle of seeing a LO grow from inception will turn his worry to joy. FX you get to complete your family with this. Big ((hugs))) and lots of love.
IUI#4 1/23/13 on 75iu x9 Follistim = BFP then chem preg m/c (Feb 2013)
IUI#5 BFN (April 2013)
S/PAIFW , S/PALW
My Blog
Anita, I am so sorry you and YH are at this point in your journey, and it's putting you at different crossroads. I hope and pray with everything I have that this ER and ET is the one for you. Regardless of what comes I second what others have said regarding counseling, I hope you can heal the rift between you and YH so negative feelings on either side don't affect your marriage.
TTC Since 04/01/13
BFP #1 04/28/13 Its twins! EDD 01/08/2014 MMC confirmed 06/27/13 D&C 07/17/13
BFP#2 05/19/14 EDD 01/30/2015 Please be our rainbow!
My Ovulation Chart
*~*~* All AL Welcome*~*~*
Married April 9, 2011
TTC since October 2011
Me 34, DH 40
IUI #5 w/ Tamoxifen+Ovidrel+Acupuncture Oct 24, 2014-->BFP!!! EDD July 17, 2015. Panorama=low risk...and it's a GIRL!
DD born July 10, 2015
--------------------------------------------------------
Trying for baby #2!
IUI #1 w/ Tamoxifen+Ovidrel+Acupuncture July 10, 2017-->BFP!!! EDD Apr 2, 2018. Panorama=low risk...and another GIRL!
TTC since April 2012
BFP #1, 10/03/2012 - EDD 6/15/2013 - MMC 11/15/2012 - D&C 01/04/2013
BFP #2, 04/06/2013 - EDD 12/17/2013 - MC 04/19/2013
6/12/2013 Diagnosed with Balanced Translocation (12 & 16)
IVF #1 with PGS: 10/2013: Canceled 9/27/2013 for issues with genetic lab
IVF #1.5 with PGS: 11/16/2013: Canceled. 11 eggs retrieved, 9 mature & 9 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos
IVF #2: 1/22/14: Canceled. 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos
IVF #3 with PGS: 5/10/2014: Switched to FET in July. 10 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 healthy embryos!
FET #1: 7/31/2014: Transferred 2 nearly perfect (6AA, 6BA) healthy embryos- BFFN
Laproscopy: 10/2014: Healthy uterus
IVF #4: 12/8/2014: Canceled. 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 10 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos
Everyone welcome on my posts
Sending lots of love your way. (((Hugs)))
"It's, not, where you are, it's where you're going,
And it's, not, about the things you've done, it's what you're doing, now"
TTC Journey Began 8/12
BFP #1 11/9/12, MMC/D&C 12/21/12 @ 9w2d, EDD 7/24/13
SAs: 2%-3% Morph - RE Official Diagnosis Unexplained
BFN = IUI #1 (Clomid) | IUI #2 (Letrozole)
BFP #2 4/19/14 = IUI #3 (Letrozole)
Expecting Our Elf 12/27/14
~All Welcome~
Married August 2012. Me: 41 DH: 42
Daughter from previous marriage: 20
BFP 12/19/12: Ectopic discovered at 8 weeks, right tube removed 01/18/13
June 2013 Testing Results: Progesterone: 31.7, LH: 5, FSH: 5, Estradiol: 161
Clomid cycles Nov. 2013 and Jan, Feb, and March 2014
TTC journey over as of the end of October 2014
TTCAL BLOG
All ALers welcome!
08/2011: Clomid 50mg, IUI --> BFN ,
10/2011: Clomid 100mg, IUI --> BFN
04/13: Clomid, IUI BFP --> MC at 6w1d
05/13: Femara 2.5mg, IUI --> BFN , 08/13: Femara 2.5mg --> BFN
03/14: Femara 5mg, IUI --> 1 follicle @ 27d --> BFP! EDD 12/02/14--> blighted ovum, missed MC 6w6d --> D&C
4/23: D&C...starting over again, with a little part of my heart broken off
7/14: Femara 5mg + brevelle + menopur + IUI --> converted to IVF, ER 7/28 --> ET cancelled due to severe OHSS.
9/20/14: Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFP--> EDD 6/6/15 --> MC at 5w3d
10/16/14: Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFN
2/6/15: Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFP --> MC at 5w4d
3/20/16: PGS-tested Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFP, Living Child born 12/1/15
6/6/17: Fresh IVF Cycle --> Severe OHSS, 5 PGS-tested embryos frozen
2/23/18: PGS-tested FET --> BFN
3/30/18: Cancelled cycle due to lining 4.2mm
Oh Anita. So so many (((hugs))). I will keep you in my thoughts and in my heart. I hope that this cycle is a success for you. I'm so sorry that you are struggling with all of this.
Sweetie my heart aches for you. All of my T&Ps are for you tomorrow as you have your retrieval. I am so hoping that this cycle brings you the second LO you so desire. I just want to reach through this board and hug you so tight. Xoxo
DX: Adenomyosis, Compounded MTHFR, PAI-1 4G variant
DH: 34
MFI due to Testicular Cancer
Married March 2012
IVF w/ICSI #1
10 little polar bears
FET #1 with 2 polar bears ~Nov 6, 2013 BFN
FET # 2 with 2 more polar bears ~March 19, 2014 BFP!!!
Beta 1= 276
Beta 2= 662
4/19/14 ~ baby A became an angel
5/02/14 ~ baby B became an angel
5/3/14 ~ D&C
FET #3 with 1 male polar bear ~October 3, 2014
October 13, 2014 ~ BFN
Fur Children: Memphis 3y, Dutch 3y, Marcel 2y, Meadow 1y
January 2015 Siggy Challenge TTCAL
Animals Interacting with Snow
BFP #1: EDD 05/27/2014 (D&C 10/17/2014)