The things people say...

Spring78 · May 2014

I know this was a topic a while ago, but I cannot find the old thread now, so I thought it might be time to start a new one. The stupid things people say sometimes -- innocent or otherwise.

So, here's what happened to me a few days ago that is still stuck in my head...

DH and I were staying at a hotel over the weekend (mere days before FET#1) & as we were headed to the elevator, I decided to slip back to the room to double check that I had unplugged the iron. I managed to get to the elevator right as door closed. DH asked where I had gone. I explained I was 99% sure I had unplugged iron, but just wanted to make absolutely sure. A strange, random woman on the elevator piped up to say "It's a mom thing, isn't it?" What could I do but laugh awkwardly. All I wanted to do was cry. I know she didn't mean anything by it, but, wow, the sting of it caught me off guard. Good grief, how much I wish it was a mom thing! About an hour later, even DH commented out of the blue how uncomfortable that was.

So, who else has stories to share of things you just can't believe someone said to you or caught you off guard -- innocent comments or otherwise?

jaztastic · May 2014

LOL so only mothers care about not burning down a building. lol

Spring78 · May 2014

Apparently. Who knew?

LundleBean · May 2014

Warning: Children mentioned (not mine) Loss briefly mentioned

Along similar lines: The last time we checked into a hotel, we checked in at the same time as our friends who have two young children. Their son was in a stroller with them, and their daughter was running around closer to us. The woman checking us in decided to tell us a few of the places we should and shouldn't go with 'her' (the child she assumed was ours). This was after 6 hours of flight with a 2 hour layover in there somewhere and I was still pretty numb from my loss, so I let it go. Luckily, she didn't start asking us questions or anything and she ended up upgrading our room by the end of it, so it was really easy to take our keys and walk away.

DH has been pretty good at trying to divert these things if need be, as I tend to walk away if I can't stand through it.

AMShark · May 2014

**Loss briefly mentioned**

There isn't one particular incident that's bothering me, but recently, it seems that people have been asking me whether or not we have kids. Seriously, I can think of 3 separate times in the past 4 weeks - since we first got the news about our possible, now confirmed MC - when different people asked me whether or not I had kids.

It's not so much the initial question, as the pregnant pause as I try to decide how to answer. And 2 out of the 3 times I got the follow up zinger of, "Well, you're young. You have time."

Actually, I'm 37. I don't know if they were trying to be polite, or if they actually thought that I am younger than I am, or if they just forget that while 37 might not be old for a lot of things, .... for this particular thing, its pretty old.

.... and then I beat myself up for feeling overly dramatic.

.... and then I do a 180 and get indignant over the question, and pretend that next time I'll answer with, "You know, it's poor form to ask a woman in her 30's whether she's got children. While we're on the topic of inappropriate question, what's your age/weight/favorite sexual position?"

MKateG · May 2014

This may be a little tmi but I'm a nurse so I have to do these things sometimes, but I had just gotten a new patient her daughter carefully watched everything that I did and asked one million questions in the process, I was helping the tech clean the pts back side and was putting rash cream in her bottom, the daughter while I was putting rash cream on her 80yr old over weight Mom (this was not a super easy task) interrupted and said "do you have kids" I though Gray that lovely question "no mam I don't" she replied "ha I can tell by the way you put that cream on her" I MEAN REALLY LIKE PUTTING CREAM ON A BABY IT'S EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME! I was just ticked off about this for the rest of the night. Ppl are so rude!

AMShark · May 2014

@MKateG - Wowsa! That takes my entry to a whole new level. We must come up with a mantra to chant in times like these, to keep us from saying the things we wish we could.

LundleBean · May 2014

@AMShark I fear that question and hope I can handle it whenever it comes up. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it when I think it might be coming. I did have to laugh at your retort of inappropriate questions. I could only imagine. The next time I am asked about children, everyone better hope I'm not in a particularly snarky mood. I've snapped once, so far.

@MKateG That really was a jerk comment. The daughter is probably just as terrible with everyone. Sorry you had to deal with that.

jbasore1123 · May 2014

@MKateG- you're a saint for not saying anything

jessimi06 · May 2014

@NariaDreaming‌ (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry your sister is being a horribly immature and insensitive brat. Having a sister (she's 21), who just came out of that phase, I know they can say some really crappy things. I hope that she knows how much she hurt you and that she apologizes.

Side note- since when was it cool to be happy for your 16 year old friend that got knocked up by her bf of less than 3 months?!?!

AMShark · May 2014

@NariaDreaming - I volunteer to hold your sister's arms back while you punch her in the face. I hope she grows up and learns empathy sooner rather than later. (But until then, my "arms" offer stands).

siempre595 · May 2014

My co-worker tonight said "it is ok for people with kids to be late, they have an excuse. But since you don't' have kids, you should always be on time."

Yes. I can't possibly EVER have ANYWHERE else to be in my life that is more important than being on time to work 125% of the time because I do not have children yet. But everyone else, they can be late and I will pick up the extra work for them. Maybe this is why I'm exhausted?

jencity9 · May 2014

@nariadreaming It hurts me so much for you the things your sister said. It is soooo immature but mostly really really MEAN and hateful.

I hope she realizes one day the stupidity in everything she said.

(ETA: take out the word "insightful" that somehow made in there.. I think I was trying to say NOT insightful or something along those lines but I took it out, Lol)

AFM, I work with parents who are court ordered to do therapy due to abusing or neglecting their children. Yes, I am aware every single day of the irony of my situation with my job. Almost every client I have asks me at one time or another if I have children and I always answer honestly (while crying on the inside of course) and I hear a lot of "you would be/will be a really great mom" and in my head I'm like "I KNOW, RIGHT??!?!!!!" Lol...

LundleBean · May 2014

siempre595 said:

My co-worker tonight said "it is ok for people with kids to be late, they have an excuse. But since you don't' have kids, you should always be on time."

Last Summer, my schedule was changed out of spite by my immediate manager. (I have been there several years and have had Sundays off since nearly the beginning because I fought to get them.) Her boss was mediating and said something about how people with kids had reason not to work the weekend. I aggressively responded "You can't use kids against me!" That excuse was dropped immediately.

jencity9 · May 2014

It is so condescending when people decide that your family situation is less than theirs because they have children and we don't.

katib77 · May 2014

@NariaDreaming‌ I am so sorry your sister is such a narcissistic bitch. I'm sure it's a phase, when we're young we all believe we'll do so much better than others, what a rude awakening the real world is. But to be so rude, on top of utter cluelessness is just sad. ((Hugs)).

Mozzarella13 · May 2014

@NariaDreaming‌ ((hugs)) though at 19 her frontal lobe isn't fully developed, that's no excuse for her to treat you that way and be so judgmental!! She sounds a lot like my sister unfortunately. I would also gladly hold her arms for you to TP her...or maybe just a bucket of ice water? *-:)

Erma81 · May 2014

I'm always amazed at how rude, ignorant or plain stupid people can be. I've been upset because of posts on social medias that say things like "You know you're a mom when you have to restart the washing machine because you forgot to take out the clean clothes from it and now they smell funky." Why would that mean you're a mom? It has happened to me, and it merely means I am a very busy person who happened to forget the clean laundry in the washing machine. So ridiculous! A lot of people seem to associate changes in their life with having kids just because they happen to occur at the same time, but it's often just an illusion, those changes are not necessarily caused by having kids. Most of the time, it has to do with becoming an adult, being busy, or just not being a teenager anymore. So frustrating that some people need to bring everything back to motherhood, especially when it doesn't have anything to do with it. I promised myself that if I ever have children, I will not overuse the motherhood card. I hope I will remember to skip the "But as a mother..." and the "Oh it's such a mom thing!". By respect for all of those who have been through this, and those who are still going through this. And if I forget, I hope someone will shake me and say "Hey! Watch your mouth!"

scooteriste · May 2014

I've heard most of the typical comments during our time TTC, which now should probably be termed POATSAUSWADWMOTT (pulling out all the stops and using science which actually doesn't work most of the time). Its hard to get too mad at fertile friends if they make one insensitive or goofy comment, but if it keeps happening or if they turn awkward on me (not mentioning their newborn like it doesn't exist or not inviting me to events, etc) I just sort of block them out. The worst offenders in my book are people who announce or tell me details about their pregnancy and then tell me that they're trying to give me "hope". I just can't with these people. They're just AWs who can't keep their mouths shut and would rather hurt me than not get doted on for 5 minutes.

Bandy514 · May 2014

My Grandmother passed away a few days ago. That side of my family hasn't had a great past (long story), but there had been years of contention on my Grandmother's part with all of her kids and grandkids.

I'm in my 30's and my two cousins are barely in their 20's. They both have babies and one looked at me a few days ago and said to me "so you don't want kids, you've been married for a while."

Granted, we haven't seen each other in years, but I was shocked someone would ask me that! Plus, I'm friends with them on Facebook and a few weeks ago for NIAW I posted a few things.

Just goes to show how ignorant some people can be about infertility.

scooteriste · May 2014

@Bandy514‌ , I'm so sorry about your grandmother. My grandfather passed away on Monday and I've had the same kind of week. Tough stuff to deal with during IVF. ((Hugs))

jbasore1123 · May 2014

jessimi06 said:

@NariaDreaming‌ (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry your sister is being a horribly immature and insensitive brat. Having a sister (she's 21), who just came out of that phase, I know they can say some really crappy things. I hope that she knows how much she hurt you and that she apologizes. Side note- since when was it cool to be happy for your 16 year old friend that got knocked up by her bf of less than 3 months?!?!

This exactly!

airidh80 · May 2014

Ditto everything PPs have said, @NariaDreaming. I sincerely hope that when she grows up a bit, she realizes what a huge c*nt she was to you, and apologizes from the bottom of her heart.

***potential trigger warning below****

Right after I had my chemical pregnancy, one of my co-workers was relating one of her friend's IVF CP, but she completely didn't understand how they work. She actually called it a "fake pregnancy" because "after an IVF transfer, your body is already pregnant, so sometimes you get fake pregnancies." I was probably a little harsh as I explained to her what a CP actually is.

ikrystal · June 2014

jaztaz1 said:

LOL so only mothers care about not burning down a building. lol

LMAO that's what I was thinking. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, but I can certainly see how that was awkward/painful.

RunCC37 · June 2014

@Spring78, I'd like to believe that it is a mom thing, and it was just a sign that you will be a great mom. Hopefully very soon! Good luck with your transfer

RunCC37 · June 2014

@NariaDreaming.... I am APPALLED. I am so sorry you have to put up with that. It doesn't sound like your sister has the maturity to empathize, and quite honestly, her comments are toxic. Take care of yourself

Twinkie0612 · June 2014

Last weekend DH's friend's wife was asking about how our IF treatments were going. I filled her in on our disaster FET with donor embryos and then rode with her to drop her daughter off at her MIL's house. She decided to break out the old "God will bless you with a child when the time is right" crap. I tried explaining to her that this is not comforting, that she's basically telling me that God thinks child abusers and drug addicts are more deserving of children than I am. She replied that she really believes God will make it happen when the time is right. ::face palm:: luckily we got to her MIL's and the topic was dropped.

Justone13 · June 2014

@NariaDreaming‌ your sister is an idiot. I think I would have caught a charge if she said that to me.

When my stepdaughter found out we were going through ivf a few months ago (found a letter in the mail from the clinic) she flipped out, said it was the worst mistake we could ever make, didn't we know that's how octomom happened?!? Oh and my favorite... She has enough siblings thanks to her mother for having a total of 7 kids. Guess me asking to have one and only one is too much to ask!! She later apologized but it's hard to forget something like that.

penad5 · June 2014

Erma81 said:

I'm always amazed at how rude, ignorant or plain stupid people can be. I've been upset because of posts on social medias that say things like "You know you're a mom when you have to restart the washing machine because you forgot to take out the clean clothes from it and now they smell funky." Why would that mean you're a mom? It has happened to me, and it merely means I am a very busy person who happened to forget the clean laundry in the washing machine. So ridiculous! A lot of people seem to associate changes in their life with having kids just because they happen to occur at the same time, but it's often just an illusion, those changes are not necessarily caused by having kids. Most of the time, it has to do with becoming an adult, being busy, or just not being a teenager anymore. So frustrating that some people need to bring everything back to motherhood, especially when it doesn't have anything to do with it. I promised myself that if I ever have children, I will not overuse the motherhood card. I hope I will remember to skip the "But as a mother..." and the "Oh it's such a mom thing!". By respect for all of those who have been through this, and those who are still going through this. And if I forget, I hope someone will shake me and say "Hey! Watch your mouth!"

I hate the "oh it's a mom thing" comment!! Get your head out of your ass - woman have been having babies since the beginning of time - your not mother nature. I have a friend who keeps saying that when she became a mom it was like she was granted access to a new club that only moms can be a part of. Don't get me wrong - I want to be a mom... but I hope if i ever start thinking i'm better than someone/or deserve special treatment/or feel it's an excuse for anything - someone better slap me

megwill126 · June 2014

NariaDreamingnI am so sorry your sister had the nerve to say those assholish thing to you!

***Kids Mentioned/Pregnancy mention***

I had to get blood drawn today and honest to God even before my ass hit the seat I was asked if I had kids. Obviously I said no and then explained to her I was going back to CNY fertility and yada yada. This naturally invited her to tell me about her niece that comes from a family of 6 sisters and they all got pregnant easily except for her niece.

One of her sisters offered to be a surrogate for her and then all of a sudden what do you know?! She got pregnant with a daughter who is now 1 and she's pregnant again.

Then the nurse gets done drawing my blood and she's like " you ok? You got real pale real quick on me" I wanted to be like we are doing two of the things I hate most. Getting my blood drawn and talking about random strangers who get knocked up easily. Yes I'm fine now let me go mope in my car!

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