(living child mentioned briefly for background/context)
Just wanted to post a quick update.
I'm having a really hard time right now so please forgive me for the brevity here.
Sunday we're going in for Egg Retrieval. This is our second round of IVF, for those that are mobile. And, my heart is breaking, I hate bringing myself to write this... I don't want to.... I am resisting with every ounce of my being.
But this is going to be our end. This is it. One way or the other we are going to be done our journey. Either we will be blessed with another child. Or we will be a one child family.
My husband does not want to continue trying. He is unable to support our trying. I hesitate to know what to write here, because I don't want to sound like I'm putting any blame upon him. But we are definitely not on the same page. With this last cycle he kept going back and forth about what he said to me. We basically continued this past cycle because his words were, "No, I don't think this is a good idea. But I'm not going to be the one to tell you no."
And the entire cycle his feedback has just been over and over that it's my decision and my decision alone. When I told him I was going to be done the injections this morning and things were looking good, he was completely apathetic. I asked him if he was happy at all and he said that no, he wasn't. He couldn't even muster any happiness for me that I was done injecting myself.
So I have been alternating between crying all morning and trying to get on with my daily life and routine.
He said that of course he would be happy if this cycle worked, but he is not looking forward to the stress of having another child. When he started to talk about how he's 40 now and how he doesn't want to deal with an infant and all their needs... I just had to walk away. I just couldn't listen to him talk about that again. But again, he feels as though he is just accepting that this is what we're doing. Because it's our last chance to have another child at all. There are no other options in front of us.
So I can't in good conscience go forward with another cycle. We can't continue to try any more.
I am completely heartbroken beyond words that I can find.
I'm sure all the hormones aren't helping anything.
But the thing that is so bothersome as well is that it's not that he doesn't want to be a father again because of any other reason than 1) he's worried about how we're going to "make ends meet" (when frankly, while yes, we are in a very tight position at the moment, it won't last forever, and I do not agree that we are in that bad a position - he has much more desire for material things and wealth than I do so this is a major rift between us) and 2) he doesn't want to relive the "newborn" phase - which yes, of course it's tough, but it's all worth it. And it's a temporary phase.
So to me, while I completely understand and respect his feelings.... and that is what I have to do to be fair to any possible future child... to me... I just think that truthfully, if we were to have another child, we would be able to work things out financially and that deep down he would love being a father again and love having a sibling for our son. I think he's just scared. And I hate that if this cycle doesn't work we're going to be leaving our last chance (our insurance would cover one more IVF cycle) on the table because he's scared.
But I think we have to. I can't go on without his support. I can't do it again. It's not fair to him or me or anyone.
I'm sorry for the lengthy post, ladies.... and thank you so much to anyone who's taken the time to read it.
I love you all. I don't know what else to say. Other than thank you, thank you, thank you again for all the support you all have shown me for so very long. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.
But it will be soon.
First of all, thank you so much for all your kind words and support about all of this. I did make a call Friday afternoon to someone I found who I think would be a good counselor to start seeing. But her message said she was out and not able to get messages until after 6/3, so I will call back then. I'm not sure how it's going to work with how they charge for marriage counseling if we were both to go, because I've met my out of pocket maximum under the plan now (several times over now!), but my husband has not. So I don't know how they charge it. My hope is that we can do marriage counseling together and somehow it would be just charged to me. I need to find out. But first steps underway to try to do so.
We had started seeing someone a good while back but only had about three appointments and felt they weren't quite what we needed. I'm hoping this new insurance allows us - or at least me - to see someone better. I agree that I do think it's pretty important right now to help us through this.
As for the retrieval - (XP from the awesomely nice and kind @snegde
thread - thank you again @snegde
They got 7 - so that's good! At first the surgeon told me that he
didn't expect to get that many since my estrogen level was quite a bit
lower than the last cycle. He said it was over 2,000 last time when they
got 7 but this time my estrogen was only around 1,200. So I was
completely bummed going into it. And I think that's left me with this
lingering feeling of dread. Maybe the lower estrogen means there won't
even be as many mature? I'm not sure. But I'm very, VERY relieved that
he was wrong and that they did get the same amount as last time.
Now I wait for the fert report tomorrow to find out how many were mature and fertilized and how they're looking.
Thank you so, so much again, ladies.
dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010
<dream 2> 12.2011
2.10.12 : 4 weeks
6.17.12 : 10 weeks
10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days
12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day
4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days
10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days
4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day
6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative
AMA, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR
"all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream"
***All always welcome!!***